Am I mental ill? plz help...

[erichartuv]

I'm a 27 years guy with very helpful nature. I try to help others and don't want to hurt anybody.
For example if I give some money to one of my friend, then I don't ask him to return my money even years passed and many things like that, it was just a little example.
Whenever I talk to someone I do not want to upset him at any cost. I'm always afraid that what will he think about me? He will not talk to me in future, Even if the mistake done by the person whose I’m talking.
In my local area and in my group I'm a man without helping my parents a small businessman and some of my friends do not like it and they talk wrong things about me which I don’t like ...

Because of nature my work, I realize I'll not find time to give my relationships but all says you’ve changed, you do not have time for anyone. I don’t like to go to any party or in crowd, I got nervious..
I'll try to buy themselves all are happy with me but it does not. Now a days I don’t have any true friend to whom I can talk and share my pains, just think myself and in live inside.
Everytime I think what People think about me, I'm not a sociable person and have noby in my area who can talk me freely.
I just want to live my city..but I have not enough money for settle in another city..
I do not know what my problem is? I think maybe I'm mental ill and I need to cure ...
Plz help… I'm thinking just negative...

[pixx]

Being asocial does not make you mentally ill. Neither empathy you posses. Nor, as it seems your low self-esteem (just my impression). All of these may be seen as mild disorders that you can fight on your own. Being workaholic is outcome of not being able to face yourself so you spend your time working in order not to think about yourself. You say "a nature of your job" is getting in your way - as it looks like you are doing something you do not approve yourself or better, you are doing something that you have a misconception of. Say you are a police officer fighting drug crime and working undercover - it would be understandable that your work is getting in your way of life, but I doubt this is the case, and even if it is, you can always find some time to have friends. On this issue I think you give yourself a lot of credit, looks like you are proud with what you do.

Some advice:

1. Moving to another place will not ward off the problems you have. You need to face yourself and see what the problem really is, and work on that. If moving is imperative or desirable for other reasons it is worth doing, but moving because you have problems with yourself is not the solution and will not bring the resolution - when it comes to this I always remember sentence of a friend of mine after some of my wandering while I was young - "You cannot run away from yourself" (even if you change places).

2. Having a close friend helps a lot. Try to find some, finding one does not have to be on a crowded place. An exhibition, hobby club, library are good places to meet people alike. Also we have always someone we trust somewhere nearby - I am sure you can think of someone like that. Since you feel threatened, such person shall not be one that you meet everyday, rather a person you can retreat to, when in need. Opening to another person is not an easy thing to do, but its worth trying. Find time to spend with friends. Work alone as much as it can give you pleasure is not enough as it seems you need some time to unwind and relax. What could be better than a bunch of close friends?

3. Having a girlfriend helps even more. You are not mentioning anything in this sense. You are young. I'd expect at least you will be talking about that too.

Come back, write more.

[erichartuv]

Pixx,
thanks for your advice, I really depressed.
I'm a married man but also affair with a girl who was my childhood love, she proposed me after 4 years of my marriage and I accepted her as I already loved her.
The main problem is "she"
She force me to leave my wife but I don't wanna do that, I like my wife very much, I also have a 2 years old daughter.
The problem is I don't do something which my g'frnd wants and she abuses me too much i.e.
you are the worst buy among your friends, my first b'f was far better than you, you are the worst fault of my life..and also tells bad words for my wife and family with her friends and me too..

Now she says that don't keep any relationship with your wife until I would get married .. but I know it is not possible and then she abuses me.

Few days ago, from any matter she started quarreling me and asked 8-9 times "what is your relation in the bed with your wife?" and I have no answer for her.  and I switched off my phone and from that day she is not talking with me from last 20 days and I'm feeling very very sad.
I don't want to come in-front of her or any person related to her. she lives just near my house.

Now only from her, I'm depressed but also I don't want to lose her as I love her...
But I don't see any way...
I have nobody to share my problems so I joined this forum.

hope you will reply again.

Thanks

[pixx]

Hmmm I see, you have several life problems you did not mention earlier giving completely different picture.

In the complex relationship situation you describe it is not easy to find right path. I guess you are likely coming from culture where marriage happens very early. With that come all sort of psychological and cultural obstacles not easy to resolve. It also shows as to why you are trying to run away from your existing life. What I hate is to moralize and tell what you shall and shall not do by any moral standards. But there are some points I always say:

1. Do what pleases you, by making yourself happy you make people around you happy. On that way try not to ruin other people (although it happens in complex situation of various interests that someone gets burned, including yourself)

2. Sometimes you have to give up something in order to gain something else. Being primates, giving up is not in our behaving program. It has to be done rationally. Weight what is more and less important and start from there.

3. If faced to 2 women, the outcome is usually that you loose both of them.

4. Would be moralizing but from my viewpoint is of top priority - it is last but not least - you have child, and you shall be responsible for her - in whatever thinking you make about your relationships you shall always first take in account as to how your child is going to grow up, what she will learn from their parents, and what kind of person she will become if growing up in the environment you set for her. As 27 year old person (assuming that is correct), you may not be finished with discovering yourself lest to understand what is important to your child - but you shall try to make a view point from the stand of your child. This is only thing that I would say what you SHALL do. Anything else is purely personal life of an adult person.

There is no recipe as to how someone shall live. Furthermore as bottom line, and to your original question - you are not mentally ill - you are under life pressure and have challenges of situations to resolve. Take courage and resolve them or as one friend use to say: "i do not want to be better, then I loose chance to complain" you may also leave everything unchanged and enjoy your suffering. This is also your choice.

[acousticeagle]

The main problem is "she"
She force me to leave my wife but I don't wanna do that, I like my wife very much, I also have a 2 years old daughter.
The problem is I don't do something which my g'frnd wants and she abuses me too much

You sound like a person with an innate sensitivity and that sensitivity is being abused by people who see that as your weakness.

It can be difficult for people with this sensitivity to find where their social strengths are when their minds and emotions are busy picking up signals from others. The trouble is with empathy is that it can have two sides, one side of it useful in 'reading' people but the other side ends up doormatting to what you perceive as what other people may be wanting or needing from you.

What was your upbringing like? Where you discouraged a lot as a child ie., did either one or both of your parents find ways to put you down, like in verbal ways? Verbal discouragements may be interpreted by the developing personality as "you're not good enough" (for eg.). So the person who thinks that 'they are not good enough' will try to prove in subliminal ways that they 'good enough' are somehow.

Thus, a person who has experienced early discouragement conditioning can end up being a doormat for the use of others - and, like I mentioned, others can perceive that as a form of people-pleasing and use that person to their own ends. It does not promote the respect of others, in other words.

I pulled that quote from your post to illustrate this.

What I think is that you are seeking acceptance and approval via a love affair. But I would suggest you to work on the 'weakness' side of the empathy-sensitivity you have and turn it into a strength.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." --Eleanor Roosevelt

Don't give them "permission" - try to cure yourself of cowing to the discouragments and criticisms of others. You sound like a kind-hearted person who does desire the best for others. This is something good about you, but work on how other more hard-hearted people are perceiving that about you and learn to say things like "no" and "I don't agree with what you're saying" and "that's not any of your business" and "you've judged me wrong" - things like that. You don't need to say these things in a defensive way, just with a steady, quiet manner.

When you can learn to stop the criticisms, nip them in the bud (in the knowlege that your own conscience is clear about your own doings), others will see that you're not going to present yourself as weaker before them. It's a pecking-order thing not merely relegated to the world of the chicken species. Human beings are good at doing that too.

I concur with pixx, look after the emotional well-being of your child, and seek to love yourself in healthy self-respect more.

All the best to you.

[HexHammer]

It seems that you are obsessed with pleaseing others, in that you fail to realize they abuse you, and fail to realize what is good/bad, wrong and right.

Others will see you more as a door mat who has no mind to respect, put youself in respect and cut off what is bad to you.