Being home alone and driving....

[AnthonyE]

My wife and I are having some problems in the recent months of our marriage.  I know all marriages have their issues, we have our share of disagreements, but this is beyond disagreements.  She has had a problem with driving by herself since we got together, she had issues with not wanting to be without her mother, she wouldnt leave the house and go out to dinner or movies or anything for the longest time.  Well it all slowly got better, we went on dates, hell we even bought a house together then got married.  Life was good, except she still wouldnt drive. I wouldnt have a problem with her not driving if we didnt have a 4 year old daughter.  That was the main concern I had, what if something happened to her, would my wife not drive her to the hospital? would she have to call me or her mom to take them when her car is sitting in the driveway?
Ive tried to reason with her, that to just "practice" driving alone.  Go to the store and buy a drink, or drive to my parent's house which is a few blocks away.  Or drive to one of her girlfriend's house (a few blocks away). This makes me the bad guy, because I want better for her. 
So we have been married for almost a year now, We conceived a child on our honeymoon, so she has been pregnant for our first year of marriage (baby boy born Feb.23).  When she was about 6 months pregnant, she said she was scared of being home alone, afraid something would happen to her with no one around. So she came up with a plan to stay with her mother, so me just wanting the best for my wife and unborn son (at the time) agreed.  Things were alright, I learned to deal with the fact that my wife was gone, but safe, or that she felt safe.  fast forward through the remaining 2 months...she back home now, we have a beautiful baby boy and a wonderful daughter that makes a great a big sister.  Well we are back to square one, every morning I am having to drive her to a nearby parking lot to meet up with her mother to pick her up so I can go to work.  That was fine for the first week, well its been making me late, getting them up and ready, and myself up and ready (im not a morning person) then going to this parking lot that her mother takes her sweet time to get to.   I've had enough, her mother has had enough, her mom is not able to go to work because of my wife, they cant take a newborn baby onto a construction site.   So we are trying to tell her its alright to be at home alone, Ive told her to watch tv, play video games or even clean, just do whatever will take her mind off of being home alone.  ONE DAY, she stayed by herself, and it made me feel good, that I could go to work and she would be fine.  Every mornign since then, its been a huge fight for me to leave for work.  She get irrate throwing picture frames, breaking chairs & cabinets, running outside in the front yard throwing planters yelling at the top of her lungs, screaming at 6:30 in the morning.  I have to go to work, its draining me so bad because there is nothing I can do, I a stuck in a rut.  Do i stay home and make no money for my family, or do I go to work and leave my wife at home to suffer??  I understand it is hard for her...but we all have to do things we dont want to do.  I dont want to wake up everymorning and come to my shitty job...but I have to...Im just lost...I dont know what to do anymore, I found this forum and got excited and thought i could use it to help...so if anyone can make any sense from my ramble..please right back...im to my breaking point...the only option i see is divorce if we dont find some help...i cant live my life like this forever.

[Enigma]

A few questions:
How old is your wife?
Has your wife ever admitted that her behaviors bother her or cause her distress in everyday life? 
Is she fully capable of driving with someone else?  Do you think, in her eyes,  this is a problem of lack of driving ability or an attachment issue?
Whats the situation with her father?  Are her parents divorced, did her father pass, was she raised solely by her mother?

It sounds to me like an attachment issue.  Do you think your wife would agree to see a counselor?

[AnthonyE]

My wife and I are 23.  she has acknowledged it effects her mother and me, she thinks of it as shes an inconveinence (sp?)  Which i can admit, I have slipped and told her before that we cant just drop everything and carry her when she doesnt feel like doing something.  Her parents are divorced, but she has had her step father in the picture the whole time after the divorce, and with in the past year she has been reconnecting with her real dad.  And its not like her step dad is one of those horrible step fathers that beats her and treats her like crap, hes taken her in as his own and worked hard to give her a wonderful life.
She drives perfect with someone else in the car, its not that she cant drive, she just cant drive alone. (ive tried making jokes for her to just get a big cardboard cut out of me and put it in the passenger seat.)
There was one day that she started her tirade in the morning and I hit my breaking point..I called my manager crying..I'm not a sissy, but i just hit that point of confusion/frustration/anger/depression that  as soon as he got on the phone i just started ballin trying to explain what was going on..he's a preacher for his church so we sat on the phone and said a prayer and everything..and me and my wife had a long talk about seeing a counselor...we went through the phonebook and called every psychiatrist in the yellow pages, but no one was excepting new patients until the end of april, or later. But yes, she has agreed to see a counselor, I just dont know if shes going to follow through.

[SWM]

hi anthony,

does your wife have some form of fear about what will happen when she is alone or driving. questions such as what goes through your mind when you think about being alone/driving? what is the worst thing that will happen if you are alone/driving?

my guess is there will be a thought process which causes an emotinal reaction that results in her attempts to avoid being left alone.

if you can figure out the thought process then there maybe a simple way to help break this patern of behaviours.

if the above is true i would suggest trying to get in touch with a cognitive behaviour therapist or looking for some cbt based self help books for anxiety. 

i would recommend a couple of great books which i use many exercises from with my patients.

Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think

and The Feeling Good Handbook

[drywaterdrywater]

you sure picked a good one. just dont give in she'll come around eventually if not hire a 24/7 chauffeur. problem solved