Is there a form of therapy...

[FinalLee]

Is there a form of therapy where the client is deliberately not validated by the therapist?

I'll start with this question for now and see how the thread develops.

[FinalLee]

Is there a recommended demeanor with which the therapist would confront the client?

You can confront another person with "You're feeling hurt? Really? What I'm getting now from you is mainly anger."

Or you can confront them with "You're hurt? B*******!"

Or does it depend on what "sort" of client the therapist has in front of him/her?

[SWM]

validation is not an aspect of the major models of therapy. what has lead you to focus on being validated by the therapist?

edit: or could you explain what you mean by being validated.

[FinalLee]

Not feeling emotionally "safe" with the therapist and being told that my feeling safe is not important. 

Really?  I can't see how this is going to be a productive relationship and it feels more destructive than helpful.

What I see as red flags: 

Therapist frequently rolls eyes and looks disgusted.

After a year of once-a-week therapy does not pronounce my name correctly despite being repeatedly corrected.  Most people do not initially pronounce my name properly, but most usually manage to remember it during our first encounter after one or two corrections. There is a "Yeah, yeah, whatever" aspect to T's attitude to my request to pronounce my name properly. After a year, this seems like disinterest / disrespect.

Remembers "dramatic" parts of my issues but forgets frequently-mentioned and significant-to-me issues.

Uses "The b******* technique" often. Is this really necessary? I accept that I may be substituting one feeling for another because of my past, but I came to T as a successful and functional middle-aged child of a borderline parent whose issues are compliance-avoidance and lack of assertion. I'm not a dysfunctional rageaholic teenager.

It feels like I'm not getting anywhere and actually just repeating old patterns.  I went to this T on the recommendation of someone I trust who thinks the world of T. I knew and articulated from the first meeting that I project a lot of my BPD parent onto this T.

From my side, it feels like the method is "I'm going to keep punching you in the face until you punch me back." Logically, I see the potential in this, but I'm not finding it helpful. 

I spent my childhood having all my perceptions invalidated. Grew into adulthood and realized that my perceptions were mostly reliable. Wanted more growth. Came to therapist and have sat through a year of having my perceptions consistently invalidated. It feels like the most assertive and helpful thing I can do right now is to get the heck out of there but T, of course, claims that this is the worst thing I could do.

I can't see this thing from T's perspective and am trying to do so, so any explanation would be helpful.  Edited to add: I have asked T to explain T's model and was told that I didn't need to understand it, that trying to understand things is part of my problem. 

[SWM]

evidence has shown that the therapeutic relationship is the most important aspect of therapy across all therapeutic models. the most effective relationships is one where an alliance is formed between therapist and client. client feels safe and supported. a therapist who assumes the role of expert has taken power away from the client and this will result in a less effective treatment.

It feels like the most assertive and helpful thing I can do right now is to get the heck out of there

I spent my childhood having all my perceptions invalidated. Grew into adulthood and realized that my perceptions were mostly reliable

these two comments strike me as significant.

[S. Earl Martin]

Yeah I went to a doctor who made several mistakes. My wife and I were forgiving. We continued to go to him. He ended up giving her the wrong medication and killing her. There are a lot of doctors, counslers, etc. find one you feel comfortable with. If someone isn't meeting your needs especially if you are paying them? Time to find a new one.

[FinalLee]

these two comments strike me as significant.

Me too.  Thank you.  I was wondering if there was method behind what feels like madness to me. I've searched the internet and can't find any.  I figured T was the expert and knew what T was doing ("I've had thirty years of experience.")

Yeah I went to a doctor who made several mistakes. My wife and I were forgiving. We continued to go to him. He ended up giving her the wrong medication and killing her. There are a lot of doctors, counslers, etc. find one you feel comfortable with. If someone isn't meeting your needs especially if you are paying them? Time to find a new one.

What a horrible experience! I am so very sorry that happened and wish you and your family condolences.

Yes, indeed, time to find a new one.

And maybe learn from this that my gut instincts aren't actually all that bad.

Thank you both for your helpful observations and for indulging a newbie.

[S. Earl Martin]

No problem. I hope you will stick around and post again.

[FinalLee]

No problem. I hope you will stick around and post again.

I just might!

[FinalLee]

validation is not an aspect of the major models of therapy.

SWM, for my own learning, I want to understand what you meant by this.

I think I'm not using the concept of "validation" correctly in this context.

[SWM]

validation is not an aspect of the major models of therapy.

SWM, for my own learning, I want to understand what you meant by this.

I think I'm not using the concept of "validation" correctly in this context.

i think you were using the wrong term, you clarified this above. you were thinking more about feeling safe to discuss your problems. feeling invalidated would not be a good thing to help you feel safe in a therapeutic relationship. a therapist would be working with principles of acceptance, respect  or unconditional regard rather than validation.

[FinalLee]

I can see from the context that I was using the wrong term.  I was wondering what you initially understood of my question, particularly since you came back to ask what I meant.

[SWM]

my understand of your initial question is that you were asking if your therapist was following some model that involved deliberately making you feel insecure.

my answer to this question would be i do not know of any model that has any reliable evidence behind it which would involve making the client feel insecure in the way you describe.

[FinalLee]

my understand of your initial question is that you were asking if your therapist was following some model that involved deliberately making you feel insecure.

my answer to this question would be i do not know of any model that has any reliable evidence behind it which would involve making the client feel insecure in the way you describe.

That was my initial question, yes.  And your second paragraph is very helpful.

[SWM]

if you take anything from this thread take the following.

It feels like the most assertive and helpful thing I can do right now is to get the heck out of there

I spent my childhood having all my perceptions invalidated. Grew into adulthood and realized that my perceptions were mostly reliable

these two comments strike me as significant.

[FinalLee]

if you take anything from this thread take the following.

Already taken, SWM. 

I understand that I am susceptible to ideas like "I have 30 years of experience and you are the one coming to me for help, so why do you think you know better than I do how you feel?"  Especially when coming from a person who is highly regarded by a friend who I highly regard.

I had hoped that understanding the model being used might help me understand what was going on.

I'm going to leave this in the category of "I don't think I'm going to understand - if there IS anything to understand - but it's time to move on."  As a Spiritual Director friend of mine says "Be careful who you let name you."