New member intro

[Revlon John]

Hello, first time writing to the board.

I just turned 40 and my life is mostly failures, disappointments and bitterness.

I have tried shrinks several times but I always end up getting bored by them. They just sit there, quietly, and every once in a while will say, "so how does that make you feel?" What a bunch of hooey. My brother was lucky to run into a good one and kept her for years, and he made a lot of progress.

anyway, I have really low self-esteem. Haven't been with a woman for at least two years (since my last relationship, which last four years and was unhealthy), I'm lonely in general, unemployed, I feel paralyzed. I live in a bad part of town, unhappy in a share situation (the apt is a dump) and I just feel sad, paralyzed and suicidal. I feel like, anything I might undertake in the way of writing (I'm a writer) will lead to failure and rejection anyway so why bother. I have no money (and when I say no money, it literally means, I'm eating oodles of noodles), and I'm bad at handling money.

I read about success stories in the news or among my acquaintances and I feel jealous, more bitter and more angry, as in, why not me?

I just feel like I'm such a loser, and yet, everything good should've happened to me. I'm handsome and a decent human being, life should've smiled at me, but instead, thanks to a series of bad decisions and poor choices, I have made my own bed and can't get out of it.
I've been suicidal for twenty years. Maybe some day I can work up the courage to go through with it. I've been studying the different ways of doing it. What's stopping me from doing it is the love I can from my family (mother, brother, step-father).

anyway, not sure how much I should write about this first time around don't wanna bore you. I can explain more if anyone has read thus far and wants to know more. I would like to share my life story.

[Thanks

Revlon John