Would counselling/ pshycho-therapy help me?

[slimjim]

Hey guys I suppose I'll need to explain my situation, may not be concise as it is a story with many elements but here goes.

I lost respect for my mother a long, long time ago. Her and my father are still together and he is genuinely the sweetest most caring, considerate and empathetic man I have ever met and we have a very strong relationship. When I was very young I witnessed my mother's infidelity when on a camping holiday, a drunken mistake, as a man of 21 I understand these things happen. Never the less I couldn't ever forgive her for number one leaving me with the burden of suppressing this secret and number two regardless of her intoxication cheating on my father with this man whilst I was there.

She is a very volatile and unpredictable person and I suppose living with that for a long time has given me that same ability, but only in certain circumstances. I expect a huge amount off of the people I am close to and give them a great deal in return, if there is even a hint that the standards I set are not being reciprocated I will cut people out of my life without a moments thought and get incredibly upset which can lead to threats of violence or physical acts. I would attribute this to being betrayed by the woman who should have been setting my moral standards. Now this is all well and good it has indeed left me with a core of people who wouldn’t dare let me down and respect me for my loyalty and the lengths I would go to to help them but I just don't think its sustainable. I would like to be a little more tolerant of peoples indiscretions but my subconcious resentment and past experiences I believe have shaped this behaviour.

 I have witnessed my mother attack my father on a number of occasions and blame him, she has beaten herself in front of me and smashed up the house and never offered an apology or reasoning for this behaviour. On one occasion after yet another row whilst still very young I pleaded with her to talk about why we always clash, to this she told me to ‘not be so sensitive’ looking back on it that truly disgusts me. Without my father in my life as an incredible role model of what a good person is I wouldn’t be the well rounded man I am today. For this I owe a great debt and its torn me up inside over the years given how my mother has verbally and physically abused my father subsequent to her infidelity. I get in to rages with her over very little issues and afterwards far from feeling sickened by the anger I have directed at firstly  a woman and secondly  my mother I feel glad that she should feel how I did for much of my childhood. In this way I suppose I feel I am righting wrongs and defending my dad in a very irrational way. I am fiercely protective over people I care about and I suppose again this can be attributed to my past wherein I as a small child wasn’t in the position to give the man the beating he deserved. If I got my hands on him even to this day I would be scared of the consequences. I can’t let things go, peoples poor choices or rudeness in every day life get the better of me and have lead me to a number of confrontations, again I can’t go and right the worlds wrongs and one day it may get me into serious trouble.

Fast forward to around age 15 and I've met my first love, the only female I ever opened up to. She was beautiful, sweet bubbly and we loved each other. Four years later quite rightly she split up with me. I had no trust in her I would check her phone and get angry if she received any attention off other boys blaming her for it. Again I knew why I did it but a mental block wouldn’t allow me to let it go. I'm scared of letting another girl in my life now. I think because my first love was the only female who provided me with emotional support I still love her. I need to let go but I can't, I want to let go of my slightly misogynistic mindset brought about because my enduring experience of women is distrust, resentment anger and hate.

I'm a very rational person and I have fought very hard to try and make sure my past doesn’t affect me, but this is not a sob story by any means. It’s just sometimes my behaviour leads me to think I have subconscious deep seated mental blocks. I suppose what I'm really trying to do is separate nature and nurture. Of course experiences shape you but I want a way of minimizing that effect. I’ve now moved out and feel no urge to see her or contact her avoiding her calls and only going home to see my dad. I’ve come to terms with the fact we may never have a good relationship and I’ve gotta say it doesn’t bother me. I am afraid that I may become her in some way as I grow older though, I’m afraid of attracting a woman like her as I know you are attracted to people who are like your mother and as a result I’m afraid I may never have a woman as a permanent fixture in my life. My father has never spoken of his mother and I believe she was very physically and mentally abusive to him and I want to break the cycle. To be the man I should be and to offer my future children (with any luck) a mother that is deserving of them.
So the question is after this post (somewhat longer than I had intended) is what sort of pshyco therapy treatment (if any) can help me? and any other advice you can offer. As you can see I believe I know why I do these things but even after analysing it for such a long time I can’t rectify it. To the people who stuck with it thank you and many thanks in advance for your help.

[gone]

It's a shame you have been so disturbed by what you witnessed, but you are carrying the burden unnecessarily, it is not your place to be judge and jury, in pagan times sex was celebrated, conditioning has made you believe she commit a morel sin. But worse you are blaming her for what you believe are your problems now.
Your mother commit adultery but it's just sex, it is not? She will have had her reasons, have you asked why she did it? You don't seem to like your mother very much, you are not unique in that, many people don't like their parents and parents often don't like their children. No point pretending.
It just seems like you've taken on the problems of others as your own and feel it your duty to right the wrongs of others (as you identify), I think probably because you have a strong sense of justice, but ultimately you are suffering unnecessarily because of others.
I would suggest you recognise you are not responsible for the morel code or behaviours of others, leave them to it, learning to accept them for what they are is key, as is learning to accept yourself for who you are. Even if that means recognising the traits of your mothers and learning to live in peace with them, they may not be as negative as you percieve.
You are responsible for your own morel code and behaviour so stop worrying about, and blaming others and concentrate on yourself. Perhaps would be a start.

Counselling/psychotherapy, if you like talking about yourself while having someone nod their head in a sympathetic response then sure, go for it. But I would recommend research first because personally I think it's a waste of time. You can not rely on others to solve your problems. You've already identified issues on introspection and that's more than what most therapist will do, I fear you'll be disappointed if you went down that route. They just 'listen'...

[slimjim]

Thank you you do raise some valid points.

Sex is sex as you say and I fully recognise that but as highlighted my mother had children and regardless of what she had been through she made that decision to make that mistake in front of her children and as a result I feel she should quite rightly be judged on it. I believe a clear distinction must be made between simply cheating and what happened here. You are right I most probably do have an inate sense of justice but in no way am I trying to blame people. I'm looking for some kind of reason behind how I feel and realistically this is the only unresolved issue in my life and my mind does now and again wander to it.

It wouldnt be so bad if my dad was a horrible bastard but hes not and never has been and I guess the crux of the problem is I can't trust any female regardless of how well I treat them to show me the same respect and treatment. Without confronting the issue (which will never be an option) I'm afraid I will hold on to it and this may have adverse affects.

Disliking my Mother as mentioned isn't a huge problem you don't choose your family after all. I would just like to feel like I don't have to carry this anymore ;to have the idea of the sanctity of a relationship dashed at a very young image is bound to leave a mark a I'm sure. Im the number one priority if I'm honest because I'm a young man with most of my life to live I don't want to be held back by this burden.

Like you say I was a bit worried that anyone would simply nod their head in agreement, I'm not really sure what to expect when it comes to 'therapy'. I guess I'll continue to address the issues by myself analytically I'm sure all females aren't the same.
This is the first time I've opened up much less to a forum of strangers btw.

Kind Regards,

[acousticeagle]

Actually, I think you are doing your own pretty good job at psychoanalysing your own psychological 'condition' - as it were.

The thing is, we want to love our parents, we as children growing into adulthood desire that our parents are those people that would never think of failing or disappointing us. But alas, that's not reality for many of us and what we desire - from that heart that still contains the heart of that child still within us - and what we would much rather have as true.

We feel terribly betrayed by the 'sins' of our parents. They are meant to be our role-models, meant to represent all the good things of integrity. I think that some people should never become parents, but life being what it is...   A parent ideally, IMO, should be someone who believes they are emotionally capable enough to see themselves raising a child to healthy psychological adulthood. In an ideal world, eh?

Your mother sounds like she's borderline personality disordered. Given to rages and emotional roller-coastering - anything to enlarge her emotions. It's a tragic situation that the person we have believed and trusted in to nurture us is herself or himself a very wounded and psychologically damaged individual.

You're a grown man now and maybe you can finally begin to put the past away and see her in that respect that I have described above. You're also very hurt for your dad's sake and maybe you see your mother's infidelity as a betrayal on the family for not only was she unfaithful to your dad but to you too. That trust was betrayed and the wound has cut deep.

You don't want the girl you end up with to be made to feel insecure by controlling/jealous behaviour from you. Consciously you know that your gf is not your mother. But it's that fear that makes you want to check up on her to make sure that she is not going to end up like her ( your mother).

I would suggest practising further self-awareness. Don't allow yourself to unwittingly fall for a girl that is like your mother (maybe ask your dad what your mother was like, personality wise, when they were dating?). A fear of marrying a girl that might end up like your mother is like a subconscious desire to do just that so you can 'fix' the past by attempting to change your mother (who your gf would substitute for).

Somehow or other you will need to let the past go. Right now you are feeling the pain and I really think we need to feel that pain - that hurt - so we can finally get past it.

Like Pmother says above, you can only be responsible for your own moral code. You place morality and ethics highly, and the world needs people that do, but you cannot change the way people are, they will either 1. make their own mistakes and learn from them or 2. make their own mistakes and not learn from them.

I would therefore suggest that you seek friendships of people that are of the first category, and when your friends do make mistakes, just realise that we are all capable of them and forgive them and yourself. You have the choice here so it's not about predestination about the past to do with your mother and history repeating. Now you know how you really feel inside, you can ensure that history does and will not repeat itself.

Keep believing in the power of love that is less of the emotional kind and is more the 'act' kind (emotions can be transient)  and remember to laugh often.

Good luck, mate!

[Zepher08]

Sure psychotherapy would be good, why the heck not.

I can understand that kind of rage. I think I used to have it as well. It didn't manifest quite like it has for you but... it would be because my father totally cheated on my mother right in front of us kids. I was at the age where I could figure it out. I knew it.

Any way, yes it does corrupt trust and it can and does become an issue in terms of trust with in ones own relationships.

It seems that every child at what ever age, preferably a young adult, has to go through the process of no longer perceiving the parent(s) as gods. Mom or Dad can have disorders. Mom and Dad are simply human.  Yes a character disorder or other is going to affect our growth as individuals and the way we connect with ourselves and others.

I think it a fine idea to go to therapy.

[acousticeagle]

Oh, I would like to add that I think that if you feel you need to seek therapy, by all means do so. Anything you can do to 'unravel' what gets tangled around your psyche is a good thing.

[hortonpilot]

Sometimes i am not sure that anybody except ourselves can untangle our mess?

You might be lucky , but i find most people understand less ..............

It is a most worthwhile jouney.

Horton.

[hortonpilot]

SlimJim,

depth of feeling is such a difficult thing for those who have it  and complicated .
Outbursts fill us with remorse though we do not say, regret , pride, frustration ,frustration again at what we can't change .
Beyond that exists people who do not behave properly and respectful to the family they are part of.
the line in the  sand and how you should behave are clear .. seems you are right to object.

Perhaps taboo to be critical of our mothers but in the quest for understanding you have to explore this stuff?

None of this prevents you from being a functional person, perhaps helps.

Critical analysis of events is useful.

My own mother was destructive ,i have come to terms with this and try not to perpetuate it.

Horton

[sure]

parents are dull


and against:


 

[sure]

Dear Z e p h e r , thank you! Sorry that happened to you! But imagine the cheated on you (and not on your mother)! Is cheating violence ? Give her a hotline for violence against women and children, a telefonnumber or contact. Or do it yourself. ALcohol! Drugs! The penis is th elittle difference. Show it to them every morning! Yeah, i have one! I have one! ANd you not! I have one, and I'm of more value than the wife............................... besides the GERMAN BUNDESBAAANK has a nea slogan: "MOTIVATION THROUGH LONGING" and not "TRUST IS THE START OF IT ALL!" baby-boy sure

[ErikAndersen]

If OP hasn't already entered into a doctor-patient relationship with an M.D., I suggest he should. Cognitive-behavioral therapy and medications would work well for OP's discomfort, as he is aware of his problem and has the mental capacity to "talk it out" and use medications as an adjunct therapy.

Good luck OP!

[sanjana909]

HI slim jim

Its nice to speak up when its unbearable. NO matter how much u hate women u know somewhere there’s  something wrong , what u think about women. N  appreciated that u looking for a remedy. 

People have weird ideas about that the therapist only sit and listen  our problems and they give only a sympathetic support and charge top dollars only for nodding to us. They are very well equipped for dealing with mental illnesses and disorders. 
These are only people’s conflicts, belief system, and perceptions  which grows one day in mental illnesses and anxiety which later on distorts  one’s  life in to pieces and wander from reality.

That’s true we look up to our parents for all  the things in childhood as they are our role model for moral conduct. Some incidents, events  can completely change our views and that’s what makes us what we are as grown up. Those events only shape us.

And there is hell lot we can talk here about therapies and personalities development but u need someone who have exact knowledge about this. So if it’s possible go to therapist besides solving one’s problems, they can make and support us in becoming a practical and happy human being ………

See u soon … as a happy and content being … wishing u a very happy n peaceful life …..
 

[J2ME_Tutorial]

Hi there,
I had read all your quries and I think I have something for you.
Thanks.
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