19 year old female sexually attracted to men in 30s - help!

[anonymous24]

Hi everyone,
I joined this page to try and find some explanation to how I've been feeling recently (as in the past few years).
I seem to be very attracted to men between the ages of 30 and 40. I'm 19 years old and even in high school there were several teachers who I found very attractive. Now I am still finding myself being attracted to neighbors, bosses, professors, etc. I don't understand why. When I was 18 I did have a sexual relationship with a 38-year-old man. He was my manager at a restaurant I served at. I am not looking for somebody to tell me how wrong this is, I'm simply laying all the facts out so that I can find some good advice. Now I'm growing more and more curious about a man I babysit for. He seems to flirt with me sometimes, and he is very good-looking. Tonight he offered drive me up the street. I only live a few houses down, but I accepted the offer because crazy things have been happening in my area lately. He offered me a beer and I took it. He told me I'm always welcome to take his beer, haha (yes, I KNOW I'm not 21). I said, "I'll have to chug it," and he said, "I can drive slow...or just take the long way around." He blasted the music in his BMW and we drove around for a minute so I could drink my beer before reaching my house. He didn't make any moves on me or do anything that I'd consider to be "creepy."
Anyway, my father has been extremely angry and easily irritable my entire life, but at the same time we are close because we are alike. Basicaly, I'm looking for an answer other than the "I'm looking for a father figure in older men" thing.
Also, the top three older men I've been most attracted to have seemed to like me too, in some way (no, I don't mean they love me). They just seem intrigued by me. I don't mean to sound cocky but maybe they think I'm mature and intelligent for my age?
All of this being said, I just have been wondering why it is I'm like this. I'm rarely attracted to guys my age (I love them as friends, though. I'm a tomboy on the inside).

Is there a psychological explanation for this, or is there nothing wrong with it and maybe it's just "how I am?" Maybe older men are "my type?" I don't know.

Once again, please no criticism... thanks! 

P.S. Just thought of another possible factor... When I was just in the sixth grade, I was physically abused by a guy who I really liked and I allowed him to take advantage of me. Also, a few months ago, I was one of several victims of sexual assault by the same guy on my college campus.

[S. Earl Martin]

There could be a great number of reasons as to why we or you do what we do. Why do some people like choclate and others like vanilla? Because you are young you possible are exploring your enviornment. Testing your boundries. Who knows? Only you can decide what is the reason. Just be careful you don't end up doing something you will regret. Like getting a STD or a baby. Or being videoed and put on the internet. Many people when they were young did videos and they ended up on the internet. Later they came back to haunt them. Costing them careers or relationships. I am sure your daddy would be thrilled if one of his coworkers showed him a video of his little girl he found on the internet with a dong in her mouth? It happens. Someone my wife and I knew had a video of his daughter that they saw on the internet sent to him from a computer at a library. So the person could stay anonymous. She even used her real name. He didn't want anything more to do with her. It is very easy to make a mistake that can ruin or change your whole life. I have known a lot of friends who's daughters became pregnant and didn't even know who the father was. One of our friends 14 year old daughters kept trying to get me to have sex and I kept telling her no. She later became pregnant and went around telling all her friends at church. Then she wanted to abort the baby, but her parants wouldn't let her. She had the kid and after about a year she went to a party and just left the kid at the party. Her mom noticed the kid was missing and she said" I was tired of the little brat so I dumped her". It took her Mom and my wife 2 weeks to find the kid. She was filthy and obviously had been abused. Later she did it again, didn't tell anyone and was charged with child abandonment and went to jail. The kid went to foster care and later is being raised by the grandmother. Don't wreck your life over some obsession. Or a one night stand.

[Enigma]

They just seem intrigued by me. I don't mean to sound cocky but maybe they think I'm mature and intelligent for my age?

It's more likely because you have tits and a vagina and are young, naive, and impressionable. 

[S. Earl Martin]

Good answer Enigma. I thought about saying something similar, but didn't LOL!

[Enigma]

I calls em' like I sees em'. 


@anonymous24:

What kind of beer did he give you?  Was it a typical American pisswater like Miller or Coors or was it a microbrew?  This is important to ascertain his true feelings.  Seriously though, I'm assuming that since you babysit for this guy he has a kid and is married.  Your feelings of sexual attraction to older men are perfectly legitimate and valid feelings, but it's important to recognize that some feelings should not be translated to actions, cause home-wrecking is a pretty bitch move and won't win you any friends.  Human sexuality is an immensely complicated and dynamic beast, so as to why you have this attraction to older men, it's a complex interaction of these events in your past and how you responded emotionally to them and how you remember them now.  You're still young, it's pretty assured that your preferences will change and morph as you mature.  There's nothing wrong with you, in fact you're a pretty normal human being. 

[MGify]

You want some good advice, take my advice and just say no.  Being that men you're attracted to are in their 30s - 40s, just says that they're using you to make themselves feel younger.  Quit that job and get another job.  And from now on, someone flirts with you, don't flirt back.  You're the one who's causing the temptation here, not the old men.  There is a fine line between being mature and intelligent and to being young and insecure.  Truth is, you're just getting there, you're maturing and learning new things, but at the same time, you're like a virgin, you might not be, but they don't see it that way.  Older men sees that as an opportunity.  In your age, what you're feeling is insecurity and arrogence and old men sees that type as the "easy" ones.  You feel like, if you don't take these attention that you're getting from them, you won't get anything else from anybody else.  You take what you can, right?  And I get it!  I totally get, it's hard being single at your age.  Before you come to sexual conclusions, just so you know, a "Father figure" is not someone you should be having sex with.  Just sayin', its what you typed in here.
Think abou this.  You're only 19.  You're at the prime of your life, your time is now, the men you're attracted to... theirs was 20 years ago.  Trust me, you will regret it when you're going in your 30s, still young and feeling energetic and the men that you "so love" are in a freakin' wheel chair or walking with a walker.  That's disguisting, girl.
I really don't wanna be mean, but I don't wanna hear about any excuses about why you are acting like a future gold digger or a future prostitute, cuz I've heard it all.  I've also had some dark experiences.  I was molested when I was 8... 8!!!!!!  You don't see me going at it with some guy twice my age, today.
So, trust me.  You're young, that's why you're targeted as a sexual tool for older men that wants to feel younger.  Honestly, I don't feel sorry for you, cuz from the things that you said on your post, you're already working, going to college, you've got everything figured out.  But these older men that you're attracted to are men that are either desperate, cheating or just like screwing babies.  You're a trophie to them and I don't know if you want yourself to be labeled as one, but I do think you enjoy the attention, but I really think you're too good for that.  If I were you, I would go for the guys your age or something in the middle.  Maybe start with men that are only 10 years older than you, not another year older.  My grandparents were 10 years apart, they had 6 kids, including my mom and were very happy and the best part was, they were able to grow old together.

[FinalLee]

Dear anonymous24

I agree that there could be many reasons why you are attracted to older men and we would not be able to tell you why just on the basis of one post.  You certainly are not the first nor will you be the last.

Why are older men attracted to you? I also agree with what was said previously although, as a woman, I might express myself less crudely! Nevertheless the straight-talking approach above might give you an idea of some differences between the sexes. I'm sure you've heard it a number of times, but - yep - men do see things that crudely.  As a young woman of 19 your youth eagerness and curiosity are attractive to a man of 38.

As to the beer in the car and the guy you babysit for "not doing anything creepy". This behavior is called "grooming".  Whether the guy is 100% conscious of it or not, he's testing YOUR boundaries.  Will you accept a lift from him that's totally unnecessary?  Yes (boundary fail). Will you accept "fun times" from him that our society says you should not? Yes. (boundary fail)  Will you collude with him in this odd behavior of riding around with the music blasting (this is very immature behavior for a 38 year old man!) and downing a beer? Yes. (boundary fail.) 

Oh, and by the way, if you did actually meet one of your parents face-to-face on the way in, they absolutely could smell the beer on you. I can smell last night's beer and cigarettes off a stranger in an elevator.  Did your parents challenge you?  If not, they have raised you in an environment where you have not learned to speak openly about boundaries.  Like "Why do you want to give me a lift and a beer when I live two doors away? That's pretty strange."

As I say, I don't know you but we can take some pretty good guesses as to both your motivations.

1) The guy.  Men like sex.  They especially like sex from young, firm, curious women.  Some men can't control their inhibitions even though they know they'll regret it later (this guy is married, right?).  Just like some women and men can't stop eating ice cream or KFC even though they know it's making them fat and unhealthy.

2) You.  We could speculate that you have a good relationship with your father and attracted to older men because you see it as the same sort of love and security.  Or we could speculate that you have a bad relationship with your father and are seeking the love and security you never got.  Or we could speculate that you want to have sex but you don't want to be in a committed relationship with anyone, so older married men seem safe.

I know you've heard it a million times and this is one of the things a person learns from life experience, but having a sexual relationship with a married man will only bring you heartache.  You CAN'T "handle it" because the person who is emotionally mature and centered wouldn't even consider having a relationship with a person who is married.  What I write is not about "There is a rule and you are a bad person for violating this seemingly random rule." It's simply a statement of what many generations of human beings eventually learn to be true.

Please respect yourself and avoid getting into a relationship with someone who is married.

[S. Earl Martin]

I like the two previous posts. It is good that women responded, it gives it more credability than a man I think. No matter how I phrased my post it still seemed like I was a father telling her to behave. Peace. 

[moonfairy]

Do you think it's because a young woman may see an older man as being a better provider or more stable than a younger man? 

[S. Earl Martin]

moonfairy: This could be it is hard to say. If the guy is married I would think it might not be, but who knows?
I like your screen name!

[caykuu]

Just wanted to let you know that I looked up my issue on google and found you. ;_; I'm 19 years old as well. And I'm so glad you asked this.

You can assume that everything you said is same as my situation ; and I'll add that I was mentally(?) abused/favored by my swim coach when I was 12~14. He was 39 years old during that time -  Now I'm nearly only highly attracted to men between 30~40.. Since my "abuse" doesn't sound nearly as harsh as yours was, I'm guessing is why I still have some lingering interest for some guys around my age.

I also get the feeling that I can't connect with my peers on a deeper level. We can goof around and drink, but (not to be cocky, just putting this out there) 90% of my peers lack some compassion/sensibility/social intelligence (?) that I'm able to sense, and I can't communicate with them on that level.

Just letting you know: maybe your youth experience is very much the main reason.

For me, it's their stability, maturity, and intelligence that attracts me. (Mind you, I'm still selective about the man; I'm not attracted to just any 35 year old on the street. )

Aaand now I'll proceed to read the blunt replies above. LOL

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Right, and my opinion on the man who offered you a beer and blasted music while driving around: obviously he knows you're interested. And my gut feeling is he decided to take advantage of that on a whim, feel young and single again, and to "show off" to the public (whoever happens to be looking) like "look, I'm young and cool and I got this young girl drinkin beer next to me with my awesome youthful loud music" LOL. Sounds very blunt and harsh, but that's the vibe I got, anyway.

And yes, he sounds like an extreme creeper doing that for his age + MARRIED.

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/after reading/ Guess I'm forever stuck with admiring on the sidelines. LOL oh well, the world.
Maybe I can legit get together with a 35 year old man... when I'm 30. Haha