Hello. It has been a bit over a year and I've lost all of my friends. I have literally stopped talking to them and become very distant. The reason for this is simple. I feel that I am inadequate for all of them. I failed to get into the university I wanted too, I failed to qualify for the school state tennis championship, a broken arm during tryouts prevented me from becoming quarterback, my performance in alpine skiing that year was the worst I've ever had, and I had an acne breakout on my right cheek after which 2 pimples have scarred into 2 disfiguring red spots, ruining my previously perfect skin. I am now in my first year in university.
So now I have literally no friends. Which has become a problem, since without friends I have no one to appreciate me. Family doesn't count since it's unconditional love and appreciation, which means nothing since it's not earned.
Now getting new friends is quite a problem. Firstly, there's the conversation conundrum. If we begin talking, the conversation might stray into our existing social lives. Obviously mine is nonexistent, so I must lie. Now I have to enforce this lie, which means I must continuously make up excuses regarding what I do with other friends and whatnot. Also my mediocre social, academic, and athletic achievements in my recent life make the telling of personal anecdotes a challenge.
However that is insignificant compared to the next problem. You see as I talk to people I immediately start judging them. I cannot help it, I do it whether I want to or not. I notice how they look, how they talk, how they dress, their lifestyle, their race, and their achievements in life.
If they are superior to me, with better clothes, looks, higher achievements and a more interesting lifestyle, I become jealous. I cannot bear to be near them for my inadequacies become more and more apparent, glaring at me. Eventually the pain of my underachievement compared to them becomes too much to bear and I withdraw, for any enjoyment I take in their companionship is overshadowed by the burning jealousy I begin to feel and the raging self loathing it brings along.
Now if it is the opposite, with them being inferior to me, perhaps they are poorer, dress worse, have an uglier haircut or inferior skin, I begin to despise them. They offer nothing to me in terms of status. I feel that if I hang around them, their inferiority will begin to rub off on me. People will see me with them and assume I am their type: scum, a loser, trash. I cannot stand to be near them and again brush them off.
Obviously the solution would be to find people who are exactly like me, but alas, even that fails. For the person I am right now is not who I was 2 years ago. And these people begin to remind me of my inadequacies. As a result, my self loathing transfers to them. I begin to hate them and cannot stand to be near them. Friendship is impossible.
I have tried to make friends the traditional way, but I have failed at that. People who I have nothing in common with I find uninteresting, so I avoid them. However even people who engage in the same sports and hobbies as me, I cannot develop a friendship with them. I have a couple people with whom I go skiing, several that I play tennis with, and a group who invites me to play football with them. However none of these people seek any involvement with me outside of these activities. I am by far more interesting and intelligent than most of them.
Obviously the first two friendship dilemnas apply to this as well. I dislike the ones whose atheltic skill is inferior to mine, yet I also feel intense inadequacy in the presence of those with superior skill to mine. I also find conversation difficult like I said before, since I tell people from skiing that I go to parties with people from tennis, and people from tennis that I hang out with people from football, and so on.
My love/sex life has vanished as well. I cannot bear to talk to girls, for any conversation I have begins to remind me of my friendless condition. The pain it brings is unbearable, so I have ended all attempts at conversation.
Does anyone else have this problem, or perhaps you had it in the past? I have thought about it for quite a while now and I cannot think of a way to solve it. Any experience with this sort of problem would be very my appreciated.
Topic: Advice appreciated (Read 130 times)
July 04, 2009, 08:48:43 PM