Disturbing dreams about yourself?

[Shell]

Last night, I dreamt that I looked in the mirror and a monster was staring back at me.  It wasn't a big boogeyman type of monster.  It was me with the right side of my face melting.  It was ugly and scary.  Creeped me out.  I woke up and just prayed about it.

I've had weird dreams about myself.  Another dream was that my head had dime-sized holes all over it and the holes were filled with yucky liquid.  My hair had fallen out, with the exception of the spaces between the holes.  Yuck!!!!!!!

Have you ever had a dream about yourself that just made your skin crawl?

[SWM]

i used to dream lots and became really good at interpreting them.

the most disturbing dream i had (apart from my childhood which was very disturbed) was during the later stages of my mental illness. it is difficult to recall it all now though some parts where so extreme that i could not forget.

i was standing over a cauldron and stirring the content of it. the contents of the cauldron was like a cannibals stew. if you can imagine juicing a human and putting the remains into a big boiling pot, you would get a picture of the cauldron i was stirring. the juice of the stew was hot steaming blood an floating around was body parts, chunks of flesh and bones, whole pieces of human skeletons floating around in the boiling blood. as i was stirring this stew a head came to the surface and i noticed it was my head. i managed to catch this head with my stirrer and scoop it out. i held up my head to examine it. fascinated and terrified by my decaptitated head that was no longer part of my body and now the ingredient of my cannibal broth.  i watched as chunks of my flesh fell from my face and splashed back into the boiling blood broth. my eyes where still in the sockets and staring back at me as i watched from my perspective my gums melting and my teeth plink, plonk, plinking back into the boiling stew as they fell from my skull.

i dont remember much else of this dream but this particular scene is very vivid.

[Shell]

Whew!  Very vivid indeed!!!  I think interpretation can help us put logic into these disturbing images -- depending on the type of interpretation, of course. 

[SWM]

what do you make of your dream cecile?

if you would like to have a go at my dream too?

i have just realised both our dreams involved images of our faces being destoyed in someway. 

[Shell]

what do you make of your dream cecile?

if you would like to have a go at my dream too?

i have just realised both our dreams involved images of our faces being destoyed in someway

Hmm I can try.  Yours was really creepy though! 

Here's my dream interpreted:

Last night, I dreamt that I looked in the mirror and a monster was staring back at me.  It wasn't a big boogeyman type of monster.  It was me with the right side of my face melting.  It was ugly and scary.  Creeped me out.  I woke up and just prayed about it.

During the week of this dream, I was going through some internal challenges between my faith in God and myself.  I won't go into too much detail, but I will say that my emotional needs have caused me to become inpatient with God and I have been feeling very guilty about this.  Because of my guilt, I have been -in a way- hiding from everything:  God and me.  I had chosen to bury my situation instead of analyzing and resolving it.

In the dream, I am looking into the mirror - or simply reflecting my inner self and not liking what I see.  A part of me is as it should be and the other part is torn and twisted. 

I would say that this is simply my inner self reminding me that I have conflicts that need my attention.  I can't just let them sit and build.

My other dream:

I've had weird dreams about myself.  Another dream was that my head had dime-sized holes all over it and the holes were filled with yucky liquid.  My hair had fallen out, with the exception of the spaces between the holes.  Yuck!!!!!!!

At this time, I remember I was facing many mental/emotional problems.  I felt as if I were going absolutely insane and I had many migraines - at least 3 a week.  I think this dream was a visual reminder that I felt mentally sick and I needed a resolution to the things I was facing.

Your turn!  It will be hard for me to interpret someone else's dreams because I believe that your feelings to the objects and symbols in the dream will tell you what they represent.

i was standing over a cauldron and stirring the content of it. the contents of the cauldron was like a cannibals stew. if you can imagine juicing a human and putting the remains into a big boiling pot, you would get a picture of the cauldron i was stirring. the juice of the stew was hot steaming blood an floating around was body parts, chunks of flesh and bones, whole pieces of human skeletons floating around in the boiling blood. as i was stirring this stew a head came to the surface and i noticed it was my head. i managed to catch this head with my stirrer and scoop it out. i held up my head to examine it. fascinated and terrified by my decaptitated head that was no longer part of my body and now the ingredient of my cannibal broth.  i watched as chunks of my flesh fell from my face and splashed back into the boiling blood broth. my eyes where still in the sockets and staring back at me as i watched from my perspective my gums melting and my teeth plink, plonk, plinking back into the boiling stew as they fell from my skull.

It makes me feel as if at the time you had this dream, you felt yourself dying emotionally, mentally, or both.  You may have felt like you were on the outside looking in and watching your own destruction.  Funny how you mentioned that you were both fascinated and terrified that your head was no longer part of the body -- could mean that you were very observant of your own detachment to self?  As if you were slipping away from your own fingers, yet a part of you is very observant of this.  You may have felt as if things were out of your control, yet you could watch it all happening before your eyes.

**How was that?  Am I way off?  I think many things factor in to interpreting your own dreams.  Your current situation at the time of the dream, the objects/symbols in the dream and your reactions to them, your feelings about the dream in general. 

I used to have a dream interpretation book - was big on astrology/zodiac stuff.  Well, I now think this book was completely retarded.  For instance, say two people had a dream that a white dove was following them around.  The book's definition of the white dove is:  peace (as always).  YET, one person is terrified of birds, white or not and in the dream they were freaking horrified that this damn bird kept stalking him.  THEN the other dreamer is the average joe who thinks, hmm pretty cool, this bird keeps following me around.  Peace?  Sure, whatever. 

Know what I mean?  I think the individual dreaming would be the best person (or someone who knows their situation very well) to interpret the dreams.

What do you think?

[SWM]

Hmm I can try.  Yours was really creepy though! 

Here's my dream interpreted:
During the week of this dream, I was going through some internal challenges between my faith in God and myself.  I won't go into too much detail, but I will say that my emotional needs have caused me to become inpatient with God and I have been feeling very guilty about this.  Because of my guilt, I have been -in a way- hiding from everything:  God and me.  I had chosen to bury my situation instead of analyzing and resolving it.

In the dream, I am looking into the mirror - or simply reflecting my inner self and not liking what I see.  A part of me is as it should be and the other part is torn and twisted. 

I would say that this is simply my inner self reminding me that I have conflicts that need my attention.  I can't just let them sit and build.

My other dream:
At this time, I remember I was facing many mental/emotional problems.  I felt as if I were going absolutely insane and I had many migraines - at least 3 a week.  I think this dream was a visual reminder that I felt mentally sick and I needed a resolution to the things I was facing.

thats was good. i can see how your interpretation fits with the situation you were in.

Your turn!  It will be hard for me to interpret someone else's dreams because I believe that your feelings to the objects and symbols in the dream will tell you what they represent.

It makes me feel as if at the time you had this dream, you felt yourself dying emotionally, mentally, or both.  You may have felt like you were on the outside looking in and watching your own destruction.

 Funny how you mentioned that you were both fascinated and terrified that your head was no longer part of the body -- could mean that you were very observant of your own detachment to self?  As if you were slipping away from your own fingers, yet a part of you is very observant of this.  You may have felt as if things were out of your control, yet you could watch it all happening before your eyes.

**How was that?  Am I way off? 

wow, you are good at this. i dont remember the exact time that this happened or what was going on at this time. it was around the time when i was recovering from my  psychosis and the things you describe would fit well with this time of my life. being able to see my own destruction (mental, emotional), being aware of my own part in this destruction. being terrified and fascinated would fit with my fear about the possibility of losing my mind and fascination with becoming aware of the potential that my mind has to impact on my life. my ability to use my mind to take control of my life.

you said something that i had not realised myself. "Observant of your own detachment to self" i think that is also probably true, but something i dont understand myself.

I think many things factor in to interpreting your own dreams.  Your current situation at the time of the dream, the objects/symbols in the dream and your reactions to them, your feelings about the dream in general. 

I used to have a dream interpretation book - was big on astrology/zodiac stuff.  Well, I now think this book was completely retarded.  For instance, say two people had a dream that a white dove was following them around.  The book's definition of the white dove is:  peace (as always).  YET, one person is terrified of birds, white or not and in the dream they were freaking horrified that this damn bird kept stalking him.  THEN the other dreamer is the average joe who thinks, hmm pretty cool, this bird keeps following me around.  Peace?  Sure, whatever. 

Know what I mean?  I think the individual dreaming would be the best person (or someone who knows their situation very well) to interpret the dreams.

What do you think?

definitely agree with that. i think symbols are personal, there are obviously universal archetypes that could be outlined but would still involve some personal associations. zodiac signs are obvious examples of archetypal symbols. some of the zodiac symbols are more obscure than others such as the half horse, half man, archer of sagitarius and definitions can help to interpret. perhaps dream interpretation books should focus more on helping people find there own associations to their symbols.

i interpret my dreams in much the same way that you describe, using the associations of the symbols how the symbols interact, how i interact with the symbolism and how i feel when i am dreaming and how i feel about the dream on reflection.

[Shell]

Cool, I did all right then!    I

you said something that i had not realised myself. "Observant of your own detachment to self" i think that is also probably true, but something i dont understand myself.

Have you ever experienced the few seconds between sleep/dreaming and awakening.  You open your eyes and an object or two from your dream is visually there in real life?  You reach out, but as soon as your fingers are almost there the object disappears and your consciousness slips in to take over?

That's kind of how I describe detachment to self -- or... that's what I meant when I said it.  It is like you are in a time in your life when you feel as if you are in a coma - it's not you, the real you is inside screaming to get out but you can't free yourself.  Instead you watch as you kind of sleep sadly through this time.  The other you, physical and mental, is fighting and being destroyed.  You feel a bit powerless.  You know what needs to be done but your inner you is so tired, trapped, maybe even reluctant to take that first step.  You are watching everything that is going on and you might even figure out the problem and solution, but you're in some kind of cage.

[SWM]

Cool, I did all right then!    I

Have you ever experienced the few seconds between sleep/dreaming and awakening.  You open your eyes and an object or two from your dream is visually there in real life?  You reach out, but as soon as your fingers are almost there the object disappears and your consciousness slips in to take over?

i have not experienced this exactly. i have had many strange "crossover" experiences but not in the way that you describe here. the period between consciousness and sleep is for me a wonderfully active time. it is a time when i hear the voices in my head most clearly and the when my visions take on a figurative qualities rather than my usual electric/energetic visions.

sometime this week while i was in this state my girl was talking to me about something i dont remember (i often fall asleep when she is talking to me  ) and i was having visions of dogs these visions i have are a bit like dreams only i am still conscious, i am still able ot hear my girl talking, and i am able to describe what i am seeing to her. there were a few of these dogs and i remember saying to my girl, i can see dogs, i then went on to describe some of the characterisitics of these dogs to her. she is used to me doing this by now so she just listend to me. early in our relationship she knew that i had unusual experiences but one time when we were in bed and i started to tell her about the people in the room with us she was just a little bit too freaked out.

another time when the dream state and waking became confused was a perhaps a couple of months before the cannibal stew head dream. in this instance i believed i was awake and i heard somebody coming up stairs. during this period i always slept with a short samuria sword close enough for me to get hold of if i needed to. i picked up the sword and i got out of my bed. i waited behind the door until the person coming up stairs was on the other side of the door. i opened the door and walked through the person with my sword pointing out in front of me. i just walked through him as though he was a hologram. he never reacted to me or the sword and he jsut dropped to the floor. i walked across the landing to the top of the stairs then i walked back into my bedroom. i still felt like i was awake and i was confused about what i had just done. i walked back into my bedroom and walked around to the other side of my bed. i put my sword down and sat on my bed i held my head in my hands and i was confused with the situation trying to make sense of what had happened. i looked at the carpet below my feet and i knew that it was not the carpet that was in my bedroom. it was at this point that i realised that i was not awake that i was dreaming.  that i had some how become more conscious than i should be in a dream and that my dream was more realisitic than dreams should be. at this point i woke up. everything in this dream was as real as in waking state apart form the strange response of the man that i killed with my sword, and the carpet in the bedroom. everything else could have been real.   

That's kind of how I describe detachment to self -- or... that's what I meant when I said it. 

It is like you are in a time in your life when you feel as if you are in a coma - it's not you, the real you is inside screaming to get out but you can't free yourself.  Instead you watch as you kind of sleep sadly through this time.  The other you, physical and mental, is fighting and being destroyed.  You feel a bit powerless.  You know what needs to be done but your inner you is so tired, trapped, maybe even reluctant to take that first step.  You are watching everything that is going on and you might even figure out the problem and solution, but you're in some kind of cage.

that is pretty accurate to how i would have felt around the time. it was a very confusing time for me.

[Shell]

sometime this week while i was in this state my girl was talking to me about something i dont remember (i often fall asleep when she is talking to me  ) and i was having visions of dogs these visions i have are a bit like dreams only i am still conscious, i am still able ot hear my girl talking, and i am able to describe what i am seeing to her. there were a few of these dogs and i remember saying to my girl, i can see dogs, i then went on to describe some of the characterisitics of these dogs to her. she is used to me doing this by now so she just listend to me. early in our relationship she knew that i had unusual experiences but one time when we were in bed and i started to tell her about the people in the room with us she was just a little bit too freaked out.

You fall asleep while she is talking to you!  OMG you just lost boyfriend points, Stan.  LOL  just kidding - that was funny to read, though!  I've had times where I'm sleeping and Rick (hubby), who has horrible sleep issues, will be awake in bed watching TV.  I'll stir and I guess he'll take this as an "I'm awake, talk to me" moment and he'll start a conversation.  I'll talk back, but will talk about something I'm still dreaming about and I'll be really into it.  Rick will usually just laugh and tell me to go back to sleep.

another time when the dream state and waking became confused was a perhaps a couple of months before the cannibal stew head dream. in this instance i believed i was awake and i heard somebody coming up stairs. during this period i always slept with a short samuria sword close enough for me to get hold of if i needed to. i picked up the sword and i got out of my bed. i waited behind the door until the person coming up stairs was on the other side of the door. i opened the door and walked through the person with my sword pointing out in front of me. i just walked through him as though he was a hologram. he never reacted to me or the sword and he jsut dropped to the floor. i walked across the landing to the top of the stairs then i walked back into my bedroom. i still felt like i was awake and i was confused about what i had just done. i walked back into my bedroom and walked around to the other side of my bed. i put my sword down and sat on my bed i held my head in my hands and i was confused with the situation trying to make sense of what had happened. i looked at the carpet below my feet and i knew that it was not the carpet that was in my bedroom. it was at this point that i realised that i was not awake that i was dreaming.  that i had some how become more conscious than i should be in a dream and that my dream was more realisitic than dreams should be. at this point i woke up. everything in this dream was as real as in waking state apart form the strange response of the man that i killed with my sword, and the carpet in the bedroom. everything else could have been real.   
that is pretty accurate to how i would have felt around the time. it was a very confusing time for me.

Wow, how strange and confusing!!  Did you sleepwalk?  I'm a sleepwalker (sometimes) and sometimes I will wake up totally confused about why I'm standing in the middle of the hallway.  Eek!  Once, when I was at a two-week combat training, I was dreaming (thought I was awake, though) that everyone in our tent was lining up in the middle aisle (it was one of those big tents) and we were all getting ready to head out.  Well I get in line and am wondering why we're marching in place in the dark, with only some flashlights for light.  Then, suddenly I began feeling a coldness beneath my feet.  I look down and realize I'm only in socks and everyone else is in shoes.  So I kneel down and search around for my shoes.  The coldness of the ground slowly brought me back to reality and in a few seconds, I was kneeling in pitch black silence.  Everyone was still asleep.  It was a creepy experience!!

[SWM]

You fall asleep while she is talking to you!  OMG you just lost boyfriend points, Stan.  LOL  just kidding - that was funny to read, though!  I've had times where I'm sleeping and Rick (hubby), who has horrible sleep issues, will be awake in bed watching TV.  I'll stir and I guess he'll take this as an "I'm awake, talk to me" moment and he'll start a conversation.  I'll talk back, but will talk about something I'm still dreaming about and I'll be really into it.  Rick will usually just laugh and tell me to go back to sleep.

hehe! me and karen have an understanding, she can talk as much as she wants as long as she does not expect me to listen. this is a girl that TALKS in her SLEEP. at least once a week she will wake me up with her chattering. sounds like you have rick well trained.

Wow, how strange and confusing!!  Did you sleepwalk?  I'm a sleepwalker (sometimes) and sometimes I will wake up totally confused about why I'm standing in the middle of the hallway. 

i dont know. i really dont know, this was very unusual experience for me. i have never had a sleep walking experience that i know of. when i was writing about it in my previous post, i cannot remember whether i woke up in bed or i woke up sat on my bed holding my head in my hands. if i was sat on my bed, then sleep walking could possibly be an explanation.

Eek!  Once, when I was at a two-week combat training, I was dreaming (thought I was awake, though) that everyone in our tent was lining up in the middle aisle (it was one of those big tents) and we were all getting ready to head out.  Well I get in line and am wondering why we're marching in place in the dark, with only some flashlights for light.  Then, suddenly I began feeling a coldness beneath my feet.  I look down and realize I'm only in socks and everyone else is in shoes.  So I kneel down and search around for my shoes.  The coldness of the ground slowly brought me back to reality and in a few seconds, I was kneeling in pitch black silence.  Everyone was still asleep.  It was a creepy experience!!

this definitely sounds like what i happened to me. i was conscious of doing and being in some sort of reality but only because of the discrepencies did i realise that i was not in normal reality. though i have some sort of normal consciousness in that reality.

[Shell]

it kind of sounds like you did.  i think stress or any big changes can cause you to sleepwalk or talk in your sleep.  i only sleepwalk during any of those times.  i've had family members do some really strange things during sleepwalking.  one of my aunts was trying to do dishes in her sleep -- she was kind of fumbling with the dishes that were left in the sink overnight.  thank goodness there weren't any knives in there.  then a cousin of mine (when he was 4) was riding his little bicycle around the living room in circles.  creepy!  lol

[SWM]

i was definitely under a lot of stress at the time. this is the only time i had an experience of this nature. after reading your comments i am inclined to think it was a sleep walking experience.

any more dreams to interpret? anybody?

[Shell]

Just had this dream when I woke up this a.m.  The entire dream is now just a mess in my head but there is one part that is completely vivid and feels as if my mind decided to save this little piece. 

It was of me holding a huge bright red rose.  I was peeling off the petals one at a time, but wasn't sure why.  Every petal I peeled, I kind of tossed it to the ground but always made sure I did it gently and that it didn't fly away.  I was very careful about this.  Someone (don't know who, just a man's voice in my head I guess) was telling me, "the middle is where the best things are, just make sure to peel the rest off slowly so you don't damage it."

That's all.  Thought it was weird and didn't know what to make of it.  But it was kind of interesting and nice.

[SWM]

it sounds like nice dream to have. iget the sense of seduction and romance, but with yourself having a lot of control and awareness, also there is some mysterious quality to it.

what do the symbols represent to you?

(i like the latest pic) 

[Shell]

Stan, nice interpretation - I didn't think of romance, was just kind of intrigued about how cautious I was with peeling off the petals.  But I can see the seduction/romance thing. 

The symbols- I'm not much of a rose person.  I think they're gorgeous, but so elegant and I don't feel like an elegant person.  Love love love calla lilies and tiger lilies. 

The color red, however, is something I totally connect with.  Red is one of my favorite colors - reminds me of passion, fire, heat, all that yummy stuff.  Ha!  You're good, Stan. 

Aww, you like me uniform pic.    Figured it was time for an update.  Glad you like it!

[SWM]

"the middle is where the best things are, just make sure to peel the rest off slowly so you don't damage it."

is it just me, or does this allude to a romantic/sexual interaction? take your time, peel them off slowly, savour the moment, dont spoil it.

"the best things are in the middle" hmm not sure what that might mean

 

[Shell]

Haha!  Oh goodness.  You've inspired me to write a poem. 

I definitely see the sexuality in the dream now, thank you Stan.  hehe

However, after thinking more about it, I'm starting to think that half of it is sexual just like you're thinking... but the other half is more sensitive.  I think it also means peeling off the layers of the person - secrets, personality, thoughts, and the middle is not only what you (naughty) are implying, but also the heart and soul.

It's both.  When you are truly into someone, you want to get to know them by peeling off their layers and getting into their deeper side.  But to do it right, you have to do it gently because if not, you'll damage their heart.

What a nice way to start the morning. 

[SWM]

i almost edited my post to make it less naughty, but i thought, nah! cecile can handle that and i will add to it after.

i was inspired myself by this topic. particularly by the rose as a symbol of sexuality, or to think of sexuality another way (which was my inspiration) the beauty of the acts of creation.

getting to the middle where the best bits are. at the centre of the rose beneath all the petals is the place where a lot of magic happens. bees are attracted to that little centre. seeds are produced (i presume roses seed) it is the part of the rose that gives life. but then i thought about that point wher creation takes place. is there an actual point in where that act takes place, is there an place on the rose or is there a point in time where that act takes place. i dont think there is.  i think myself, i am the same as that rose. there is no place in time or one single part of the organism that is responsible for that act of creation. the creative force is not in the soley seeds or in the pistils, it is not in the pollen or the petals, it flows through the organism through that central point which is focus of the enegry. the whole of the organism is working through space and time for the pupose of that act.

or i think it would be more acurate to think of the forces of life flow through the organism and move each organism to their own acts of creation.

[Shell]

i almost edited my post to make it less naughty, but i thought, nah! cecile can handle that and i will add to it after.

hehe Yeah I can take most anything.

getting to the middle where the best bits are. at the centre of the rose beneath all the petals is the place where a lot of magic happens. bees are attracted to that little centre. seeds are produced (i presume roses seed) it is the part of the rose that gives life. but then i thought about that point wher creation takes place. is there an actual point in where that act takes place, is there an place on the rose or is there a point in time where that act takes place. i dont think there is.  i think myself, i am the same as that rose. there is no place in time or one single part of the organism that is responsible for that act of creation. the creative force is not in the soley seeds or in the pistils, it is not in the pollen or the petals, it flows through the organism through that central point which is focus of the enegry. the whole of the organism is working through space and time for the pupose of that act.

or i think it would be more acurate to think of the forces of life flow through the organism and move each organism to their own acts of creation.

Stan this is so beautiful!!  It's very poetic.  The act of creation.  Wow.  I find myself reading this over and over.

[SWM]

when i read it myself i think i have not expressed it well enough. you know that sense of words not being adequate to explain my feelings in a succinct way but if i was to add more to it i would be loosing the flavour of the sensation. by rambling over and over the same idea.

[Shell]

Aww I understand what you mean.  I think you did a great job describing your thoughts. 

[corwin137]

Cool, I did all right then!    I

Have you ever experienced the few seconds between sleep/dreaming and awakening.  You open your eyes and an object or two from your dream is visually there in real life?  You reach out, but as soon as your fingers are almost there the object disappears and your consciousness slips in to take over?

Just when I told you I don't have much to say of dreams.  Anyway.  There's two naturally occurring types of hallucinations- hypnagogia and hypnopompia.  They occur sometimes just before sleep, and just after waking, respectively.  Wiki:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnogogia

[Shell]

Ooh interesting! I saw the part about hypnagogic sounds -- I get these so often.  I think it was Sunday that I took a nap with my son and I heard this loud banging and it threw me out of bed.  I ran to the front door and found nobody there.  My old dog always barks at knocking or at the doorbell, but she wasn't doing anything so I figured it was just a dream. 

Thanks for the link and for the terms - always wondered about this!

[Psychobable]

I had a strange dream that I was in the middle of a city on the roof of this building. I was staring across to another building, a glass building where I could see my reflection. I start to walk foward, and keep walking untill I fall off the building. I fell for what felt like an eternity, and right when I'm about to hit the ground, I wake up. I had this dream when I was four years old, and for some strange reason I can't remember anything before that dream. And the dream lingers in the back of my head, as if it's underminding some unknown event. It scares me.

[Shell]

To Psychobable -- what a very vivid and intense dream for a four-year-old!  Must've been really scary for you.  Can you think of anything at all that might've triggered the dream?

[Psychobable]

The only thing that I remember is that there were decorations hanging around the house when I woke up. I learned that someone had a birthday the day before, but I can't for the life of me remember who's it was. Other than that, I don't think anything else would have made me dream what I did.

[andydeskano]

We've all had unpleasant dreams; for me: I'm naked at the mall or unprepared for a big test at school. 

[SWM]

funnily enough i have been having odd dreams lately but i had not thought about much until i now.

recenlty i have been having dreams about being stalked by gay men. i am passionately heterosexual, so this is a bit odd for me. and while i am dreaming these dreams i am quite disturbed by them.

[coyote]

I'm sorry Stan, your dreams make me giggle!

Last night I dreamed I was pregnant. Thats really all I remember of the dream.

[reira]

I keep on dreaming things about me something that has a message but still looks complicated. When I woke up I can't remember a thing about my dream.