Help with a younger sibling

[Jacketfan89]

Hey guys,

First post here, but it might be a long one in which counseling is the only suggestion lol.

My brother is 17 and I am 21 and both us went through a lot although the timing may have affected him more. My parents divorced in 94' which left my brother 2 and me 5 or 6. We lived with my mom and great grandmother until my mom lost her house in 97.

At that point we were forced to move in with our dads apartment. It was much different for both of us and I think that's really when we started to argue.

As a kid,I had a lot of built up anger from my parents divorce and although he'd egg me on like a normal little brother, we'd still fight prettyrough which I think is normal for  most brothers.

He's always had problems in school as he's been diagnosed (by the public school) with EBD and dyslexia.

Around 11-12 he started stealing from my parents. He loved money and anything valuable he could get his hands on, he'd take just to have. It got worse when he started smoking mj and he began pawning and skimming of my parents checking account.

He's 18 and still in 10th grade and has the most negative outlook on a facets of life. He was forced to go back to my moms recently as he was getting kicked out of school for breaking about every rule possible and my stepmom getting the final straw from his stealing.

Now he has this dream of moving out to a dirty extended stay hotel and getting a job and continuing on in his path.

If he keeps going at this rate, he'll be in jail soon and I feel like it's partly my fault because his early school years could have gone a lot better...but we had a single Dad that worked 7-7 to maintain an apartment and we didn't get along like I wish we would have now.


I just want a way to get through to him. He's so stubborn, thinks hea invincible and knows everything about everything. He comes home from school and goes straight to his room on the laptop.


What is the best way to get through to a person like him? Before it's too late...

[thinkingprocess]

kill him

[pert -5]

Would he be hostile towards open communication?  Maybe you could express these thoughts and feelings to him in a constructive way.  How is your relationship with your brother, do you guys get along?

[iNuha]

Attitude is everything in regard to change. If he see no change is needed, consequently, nothing you do to assist will avail.

Alas, communicating is a start. Perhaps, someone from a neutral stance can aid.

[acousticeagle]

Hi Jf99.
First, I'd like to ask what the reason for your parents' divorce was. Did they stopped just wanting to be together or was there another reason.

The reason I ask this is because of why your younger sibling is behaving the way he is. Basically it's rebellion that comes from a great deal of anger and confusion and a feeling of lack of security. The confusion would be enhanced by the fact that he has those disorders.

Sometimes children even blame themselves for their parents' break up, not a feeling that anyone could really explain in terms of what is rationally understood, but it's possible that he heard or overheard things that he cannot overcome, something he might have taken from listening to your parents personally. He might even be angry at your father b/c you both lived with your mother and gran for sometime until you mum lost her house. He's resentful to the point of taking money from your parents, probably as a sign of having lost respect for them.

My suggestion is to take steps to reinstil him with a sense of security again. Where once there was Mum and Dad, there came after much unsettling - and all that confusion is playing out in his bad behaviour.

I might also suggest helping him deal with anger. So many people will tell us "Don't be angry" and "forgive and forget" - but I think that sometimes repressed anger needs venting or else it manifests in bad behaviour. There might be a way to deal with repressed anger involving some sort of therapy, but I really think his anger (tho' he may not even manifest it as such) needs to be dealt with. Repressed anger does manifest as rebellious behaviour. Confusion will manifest as a repetition of bad behaviours that's very attention seeking. Seeking attention is a way for the wounded person to seek from those around him or her the love, approval and acceptance that they feel that they are lacking.

You might like to start by sitting him down for a talk to see if he can get to admit to his inner feelings, and telling him to ok to feel what he does without any judgement. Children can manifest all sort of negative behaviour when their parents separate and divorce. The secure home life they once new is like a rug pulled out from under their feet and they don't know how to deal with that on an emotional level, so they manifest negative behaviour. But shutting himself in his room it will only cause him to repress and brood more so you are doing the right thing by seeking help. It's never too late for things to turn around.

[Manon Eileen]

I'm 21, my brother's 18, and our parents divorced in 1999. My brother sounds quite similar to your brother, although a little less extreme as for the stealing part. My brother started to become involved in fights more and more often.

As the older sibling, especially in the situation you and I are in, you have an extreme sense of responsibility. You sound like you do. What I have seen in my brother is that he's quite young for his age, and that he needs more time to grow up. That might be the case for your brother, too.
My brother always became extremely hostile when I tried to talk with him about his behavior, I don't know if that's the case for your brother, too... I think most of that aggression came from having the feeling that I wanted to "mother" him, or maybe even because he thought I was disappointed in him.

Essentially, what he's doing is his own responsibility. I think you should not confront him as much with his behavior if that means he becomes hostile towards you. Instead, he needs to know that you love him and that you're there for him, any time he needs you or your help. He needs to grow up, you can only help him with that... He needs to realize what he's doing and most likely, he already knows it.

My brother's been improving a lot, lately (he's nearly 19 now), so perhaps puberty is finally releasing its hold. I hope things will become easier for your brother with time, too.

Perhaps a short time in jail will clear your brother's mind - my brother was put in jail for 2/3 days or so and it scared him to death... ;p.

Remember his life is his responsibility. I really had to remind myself of it over and over... But it's helped me somewhat to gain a more objective view of the situation.

Oh, by the way, does your brother have someone "good" (as in, non-criminal, like a friend from when he was younger) that he can trust and talk with about his personal feelings? That usually helps, too, because they're not as personally involved (like you are).