OK, im going to try and explain more. I dont BELIEVE in diagnoses! I went to college and studied much psycholsoy ( i bet a therapist LOVES hearing that line) and i think that people are a product of their unconscious and whatever happened in the past (abuses, traumas etc). I guess maybe i dont believe that 100% because i suppose its known that some people are born crazy as cases have been cited. in any case, im not here to know everything. i was a normal albeit sensitive child. I started having very disturbing sexual "issues" at a young age 11, 12, 13? i was obsessed with sex, even feeling "urges" toward children. thank GOD i didnt act on those somewhat fleetin urges and thank GOD i am way rational and logical enough that i would have RAN like hell for help had I gone past the feelings of that. From the time i can remember my parents fought BRUTUALLY every 2-3 days. I quickly grew to hate my mother with a hate that knew NO boundaries because in these fights i was in the middle like a ref at a boxing match, screamingf and crying and begging my mother (she was the agressor, father was the passive receiver) to stop, pushing her away from him when she strated to hit him or come at him with a knife, this lasted HOURS! not to mention my little brain being filled with all the SICK SICK SICK stuff she would say to him. my life being abnormal at a very early age. finally after hours of this, she would collapse in her bed victimized by the fight, he would curl up like a child in a corner of the room or on the cough catatonic and embarassed. i would then HAVE to tend to her, make her food, agree with her, console her, soothe her, on and on and on until she finally fell asleep. i would then move on to caring for him. the nasty thing was the feelings i would have for him, like those of a mother, feeling SOOOOO bad for him, sickeningly bad for him, pitying him like he was the victim, then trying ot care for him, bringing him a blanket, some food, some encouraging words (out of earshot of my mother of course). at these times he was a true child and martyr. he WANTED to hurt himself this way, to deny himself rest on a bed, to reject food and a blanket etc and it grew to me feeling this nauseating responsbilitity for him and sick by his refusal to take help. his mother died when he was 8 and i think he enjoyed punishing himself. i couldnt take this punishment he inflicted upon himself, this sick feeling it engenered in me led to my OBSSESSION with stray dogs and their suffering, the SAME feelings i had to him and the dogs, the same. poor innocent victims hurting and i had to save them.
i think he sexually abused me but i dont REMEMBER, just gross feelings and the above mentioned gross young sexual issues i had.
he was my hero, my mother was my enemy, my hate for her indescribable, not the least for which the normal life and childhood she ROBBED me of. for being insane and doing nothing about it., for exposing me to this psychotic SH*T at a tender age and never ever once ever saying "sorry" or acknowledging ANYTHING, to this day even. to hear one parent call the other satan, evil, sick, etc etc etc makes you realize that you must be that way too BECAUSE YOU CAME FROM THAT PARENT! she is mentally ill to the maximum never did and has never gotten help. i remember once when i was around 9 i slept in the bed with both of them for some reason, and they both slept naked, and i remember lifting the covers and seeing my father fondling her while i lay right there right next to them and feeling the sickest feeling of RAGE come upon me and wondering what the F is wrong with these people? how can they do this when i am sleeping here? that rage has been with me since. everytime he woudl hold her hand, touch her, kiss her even smile at her i wanted to kill someone i got so angry.
at early teens i felt VERY odd, a constant self consciousness accompanied me, almost like seeing myself form the outside, i think it was anxiety. ALSO if all that wasnt enough, we moved every 6months or so until i was 14. just picked up and moved, no sorries, no explnanations, nothing. NOTHING WAS NORMAL EVER. i couldnt have friends because i was sooo acutely aware of how abnormal my life (me) was. i couldnt go to a friends house because my sick mother would make me call her every 30 minutes and report where i was who and what i was doing and when the hell am i coming home? i couldnt ever have friends over because, like that movie mommy dearest (though i wasnt beaten) they would SEE the insanity i lived in! once i had friends over when i was 15 and i was so humiliated i thought i would die by my mothers reactons to them and her behaviors. they thought i was insane after that. this theme of abnormalcy raged throghout my young and teen years and into my 20s as i persisted in living with my mother until i was 24!!!!!! she treated me no different at that age then when i was 7. i hate her with a passion that SCARES me. i have wished the ugliest things upon her, yet i cant let go like my older sisters have (they dont and refuse ot ever speak to her). i feel responsible in a way to deal with her, so i talk to her as little as possible enough to relieve my guilt. my father died on april 26, 2008 - i cant describe the feelings i have over this.
so from time i can remember until my 20s, i grew into someone who constantly just felt a combo of sick sexual feelings, intense rage and hate, sadness beyond description, etc etc, so many things and i have always just been a really sensitive person, one of those people that can see iinto things uncannily, can read others ina second, etc. just sensitivities. at 25, one year into law school and at the dawn of the potential end of my nightmare that had been my life (i got into law school the future was looking bright, NORMAL), I met a man and sabotaged my life and left law school, ran away across the country, married him in 2 months, realized he was a F*ing maniac (literally), suffered much abuse physical and mental at his hands, cried for 2 yrs straight, then got pregnant by him and had the child. When my baby was 8 months old i finally found the fortitude to run the F away from him and did so, to where? MY MOTHERS HOUSE! i ran back to my mother because i was like a child! i had no idea how to make it in the world, i only knew someone better take care of me, i had grown into an impotent idiot, i didnt even know how to keep a job, yet i went to an excellent college, did great, wa ssmart etc, but still like a child. she took me in and within a week the mental torture started and i flipped out finally in front of her for the first time, told her the most awful things i could, grabbed my baby and fled to a friends house. i stayed with this friend, and somehow moved on tomeeting another man in the area (florida), i really liked him, my impulsivity by then was just all of who i was. i made no decisions, i simply flew from one impulse to the next. this man, my current boyfriend, was at least not psycho and not abusive, though not a great match for me either, but he was nice and accepted that i had a 9 month old and we all moved in together in this sh*t town he was from where i hate and hated from day 1. at that time i was about 27-28. (my memory is VERY poor). We have lived together since, my son has grown up knowing him as his father and for the most part he has been a good and loving dad to my son (did i mention prev. that my son is diagnosed with things like PDD NOS, tourettes, ocd, ADHD but doing pretty well considering all those Dx's). So i went from psycho mom and dad from little age, to pscyho first husband at 25 to a child with multiple problems - point being the sheer TRAUMA has NEVER abated in my life save for the ONE great year i had in law school. ive even had continuing trauma in my relationship now with this man tho nothing compared to traumas i grew up with or first husband. im SO sorry if ive said all this history already, i cant rememebr and im posting in 2 diff forums and cannot keep straight what ive said where. sorry.
so now i am 35, i have done a hell of a good job with my son tho at time ive felt he is going to kill me due my PTSD and anxiety issues, but ive survived and he is doing pretty well, though im a mess. sooooo, now this is the rage i have, the anger, the irritability. and i think, as i started this post with, that its not a damn bi polar or some other made up conflaguration, but the result of years of traumas unresolved torturing me. ive had no relief, ive had no good therapy that has HELPED. all therapists have been as this one i have now is - wide eyed at my state, my agitation is a clear sign that i am bi polar (of course) and, as the sky is blue, i must be medicated immediately. i am sooooooooooo sick of this. its like therapy for rats or something. i am a complex invididual, i dont come out of a book. KNOW me, understand. of course i have anger and mood changes. i dont know. the strangeness i was mentioning was the death of my marijuana habit about a month ago and the accompanying feelings of impending doom and depression. also quit cigarettes did i say that? yes i ramble, yes i have an urge to speak and speak yes i feel ADHD and yes i feel hyper aware of myself, always have. i am not in denial that things are wrong with me, im in denial that i should go near medication. i am angry for a REASON. i dont want to medicate that. what has concerned me is the quickness with which i will go from calm to furious, and the intensne anger that comes up at stupid things like a bad driver, a dumb person talking ot me, my mate being a space cadet, etc. i dont like that and it is scary. but i wonder if its just that sooooooooooooooooooooooo many years have passed with me untreated, getting no help, just COPING, just hanging on, having panic attacks and bieng restless to the point of feeling like i am crazed in my body, not like restless legs or hyper, but unable to be in the moment at ALL. i remmebr as a child my worst nightmare was dinner time because i would have to just SIT with nothing to do but eat! no stimulation. i wonder if this is "ADHD" or that my brain and unconcious helped me survive by constantly taking me out of the present moment. i am a Freudian, i believe psychoanalysis is the foundation for mental treatment, not that any others are not worthy.
i started questioning my own sanity since i started seeing this mental health counselor, who, frankly, i think is a bumbling idiot with what seems ot be the education of a 4th grader. maybe thats my bi polar thinking im so great!!!!!!!!!!
? anyway, the past few days, i am thinking i will still go to my psychiatrist appt, but i wont accept any meds. of course this will conveniently play right into their need to label me bi polar or schizo or whatever fills the description of the patient who "denies" and "refuses". i dont care. im tired of being misunderstood. i need psychoanalysis, i KNOW in my BONES AND BLOOD that i need ot re live that child hood and get rid of it! i know i need ot find out if i was sexually molested and remmeber it and re live it! i know this as i know many things.
so does all this mean i am crazy? i dont know HOW you cured youself of the psychiatric disorder you had. i think i can be cured by psychoanalysis. maybe my childhood abuses changed my brain chemicals. i dont know. i am sorry this is ridiculously long, but this is it. i tell all this to my therapists, and she finally last session said, well we need to make a treatment plan for all these issues. now i just HATE her too. thanks for reading, sorry again for the length.
it is okay here, general psychology is a catch all category
i can understand how this menagrie of opinions can be confusing for someone that just wants one answer to a problem. people come form different professional and educational back grounds all having different knowledge and understanding. it is similar to a group of mean each man is asked to go to a certain building and take a description of the building. each member of that grou pgoes to a different point in the building and takes down some information. on man might stand in the doorway. another stands across the street. another walks around the outside of the building and another walsk around the inside. each member of this group observes different qualities of the building. they record their information and they give their description of the building.
if we think of the above group of men as the same group of men that you describe having differing opinions about mental ill health. we can recognize that neither opinion is right or wrong. but each man has a fragment of information around which he has built his theories and upon which stands his profession.
you opened your post saying "how can i trust and find out what is wrong with me?" if you knew that the people you where talking to only had a fragment of information and they believed that they had a solution which they had gleaned from that fragment of information, would you trust any of them?
do you trust yourself?
you ask "how do i find out what is wrong", ask yourself what is wrong? trust yourself.
doctors have a great deal of confidence in their profession there is a lot of research which supports thier profession. people tend to trust docotrs because on the most part doctors are able to help people with many of their problems. unfortunately with mental health it appears to be hit and miss, some people get better with meds some people end up worse on meds. some people get better without meds some people get worse without meds. what i do know is that generally speaking medication can help to manage certain symptoms however managing certain symptoms does not equate to improving a person health. psychiatrtic medication often has a negative effect on the overall health of the individual while managing some symptomatic problems.
this is a matter which i have struggled with myself. i have myself recovered from a psychiatric illness without medication. my mental health deteriorated while on medication and being treated and i was told that i would never recover and i would never be able to stop taking medication. i am not sure who was benefiting from my treatment but it was not me.
i now have the dilemna of working with people who are asked to continue taking medication and are told similar things to what i was told. very often i dont know what is best for any individual, but i know my responsibiliity is to help people to stay well and to promote recovery. i feel more like i am promoting dependence on medication more than promoting recovery. that seems to be how it is in psychiatry recovery is correlated with compliance with medication. having been through a recovery with out medication that is a difficult for me to swallow.
if you cannot trust your self what do you have left. if it is your disorder speaking perhaps that is closer to the pain and struggle of your experience. what if your disorder has more wisdom than your intellect? i am curious about what you situation is, how is it strange?
"how do i know if it isnt psychological and not neurological" as in my metaphor above the group of men looking at the same thign from different perspectives. any psychological event will conincide with a neurological event. if you alter the chemicals in the brain you will alter the content of the brain. if you alter the colour of the walls in your bedroom it will alter your brain chemistry. neither the psychologist or the neurologist is looking at the whole of the problem.
i am quite sure that i have not been helpful to you in the sense of making things easer but i wanted to give my honest opinion on what you have shared.
please if you feel able, i would like to know what is going on. be as specific and as personal as is comfortable for you.
Topic: how do i find out what is wrong? (Read 1390 times)
March 26, 2012, 02:05:38 PM