How do I work with my low self-esteem students?

[chueh]

I am a piano teacher.  I have one 8-year-old male student who has sensory disorder.  He has a twin brother who is very gifted in everything, while he has problems of learning.  His mom thought that he was interested in piano, for he was learning the star trek theme songs with her help (she is a church pianist).  While he is learning piano, his twin brother is learning guitar.  This way, his mom thought that he could be doing something that his twin brother cannot do.

I usually recommend a parent to sit in with the child.  Not only does the parent have the knowledge to help the child at home during practice time, but also the bond created by learning together helps their relationship and the learning process become less lonely.  However, I did not ask this boy's mom to sit in for the first semester, for I always asked the reasons and goals the parents and the students have.  I was informed that he had medical problems, besides I did not want to take her time off, if she wanted to sit-in at the guitar lessons. 

The first semester was ok.  I could definitely see that he had no confidence at all.  He got frustrated easily.  Once in a while, he did not listen to my instruction.  Since I understood his conditions, I was very patiently teaching him and encouraging him in every way.  I taught him everything he had to learn, yet I did not expect him to remember everything.  In other words, I was pretty easy going on his progress.  I saw his interest in piano playing gradually decreasing towards the end of the semester, as well as his impatience increasing.

We had a pretty good recital at the end of first semester in December.  He did it so well.  His parents, twin brother, and I were all so proud of him.  He felt so good about himself too.  We thought that it must have been made him a little more confident.

Beginning of this semester, I asked his mom to sit in, for the last couple of lessons last semester, he would not listen to me at all.  The first lesson this semester with his mom's presence was pretty good.  I could see how much he wanted for his mom's approval and love by cuddling her after each song he played.  The second lesson was a distraction, because we had to switch to 3 different classroom, due to environmental noises.  He got distracted so easily.  The very last lesson we had was not very pleasant for him.  He seemed to have a bad mood once he came into the piano room.  Whenever I corrected him on the notes, he lost his interest and sighed.  I tried explained how to find the notes correctly on the music, without saying even a word of "wrong" or anything about his incorrect played notes.  I showed him the relationship between what he played and what was on the music to him withOUT saying anything he did was incorrect.  Nevertheless, he just could not take any explanation or emphsis of the parts he needed to play better.  He could only accept "very good" and "good."  He got upset and did not follow instructions.  His mom told him to listen to my instructions, but he kept sticking his tongue out at her with a disobeying attitude.

I wrote his mom after the lesson and asked if the boy had a bad day before he came to the lesson, and how we could work together to help him.  My purpose of writing her was NOT to complain about his behaviors, but to figure out some ways we could all work out.  Also, I would like her thoughts of anything I needed to change in terms of teaching him.  Also, I asked her if it was ok not to sit-in from now on, for I did not think that it was a good idea on his case anymore.  I could pretty much persuade him to play the piano pieces at least after several times of trying without his feeling of pressure.  On the other hand, when he was not following my instructions, she jumped in and asked him to follow my instructions.  It resulted in his anger on his mom and me, and then he lost his interest for all.

I also told her that private piano lessons are originally designed for piano learning and progress.  It is my job to correct students' incorrect notes.  I cannot let them playing anything however the way they want to.  However, her son's case is different.  It makes me feel bad every time when I correct him, for I see his frustration clearly.  He definitely has lost his interest in piano.  If both she and he decide to keep taking the piano lessons to keep building his confidence, then I can change the method to be more fun and silly, rather than caring any progress.  Otherwise, there is no other way, other than his quitting the piano lessons totally.

I have not heard from her yet, but my question here is not what she will tell me what to do or agree with my suggestion.  It's always MY FEELING that giving a child all positive words without correcting what he/she is doing spoils the child.  A child can never learn how to be strong without some negative condition or obstacles.  Yes, positive words make a child happy, but does it make the child prone to discouragement more? 

I have another student, a 10 year-old girl.  She started taking piano lessons much earlier than her little sister with another teacher.  By the time they both came to me, their skills were not much different.  Now, the little sister plays and understands music better than the older sister.  The little on works much harder too.  The older one wants to be the best and always claims that she is at a higher level than her little sister.  She was upset that they played the duet together.  I tried making her feel better by saying that her part was more difficult.  She gets upset when she made a mistake, without my opening my mouth or starting any facial expression.  She expects to be excellent, yet she is actually not.  Thus, she is struggling, yet she is not confident enough to practice. 

My question is: how do I teach these kids who have low self-esteem, especially in the above mentioned examples?  Both of the boy and the girl are not as talented as their siblings, yet they want to be competitive with them.  To be honest, I don't want to keep lying to them by saying they play well, when they do not, according to the normal progress they should make.  However, the bottom line is that I say it according to their OWN LEVEL and SKILLS, without comparing with others.  Anyway, am I doing the wrong thing?  Please advise me.  What should I do with them?  Thank you

[S. Earl Martin]

I read your story with interest. Motivational factors and positive or negitive reinforcement. This is something I have studied for sometime. Why do some people react to positive renforcement(praise) and others react to negitive renforcement (critisism)? Where is the balance that encourages and still maintains a realistic perspective? One suggestion is to not have the children compete with anyone, but themselves. "You are improving here. You need work here." It is many times natural that siblings compete, but it can lead to problems in other areas. "You and your sister are different people and do things differently etc." I am many times very blunt with my teaching style. "Do you want to do this or not? Then you need to work harder and concentrate more." Another suggestion is to let the child with the disability that plays different notes write a song using whatver notes they choose. I took piano lessons when I was young and was forced into a very rigid and diciplined enviornment and I lost interest when I was constantly critisized. Now I am a song writer and can write music just by sitting at a keyboard and hearing the music in my head and playing it. When I tried to do this before I was told that I was wasting my time and I had to do it the way I was told. I have just played notes that came in my head in public and people thought that it was a prewritten song. Another thing is that some people are destined to be average or even below average. It is a tough reality, but the sooner we accept it the better we can coup with it. I am very good at somethings, but others I have always wanted to do, but can't. That's life!