How to deal with people who get on your nerves?

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For the past 6 months or so I've been working with a lot of people, I lreally love them, we work really well together & I feel I really belong amongst them. Anyway about 3 weeks ago a new guy joined us and I began to notice he was getting on peoples nerves. Nothing was said, I could just see it, feel it. Then I began to notice why he was bothing people. As a group we have respect for each other, for the manager of the project, we get on with our tasks but pass the odd word, have a joke and a laugh, but the new guy never shuts up. He has to run a commentry on everything he does, he's really loud, he tells people what to do, and he questions the ideas and actions of the manager while puts in his opinion on everything, he really makes his presence known.

Yesterday he began to irritate me and I just wanted him to shut the fook up, his voice is a constant.
Today the manager said to another who was in my area so I overheard 'I'm sorry I just can't stand it, he's chipping in on everything and it's getting to me now, I've had enough'..
A little later I also heard him say to another 'No it's your job, you keep that, he's not to take it off you'.. So the problems were plentiful amongst the group it emerged.

As I was doing my work I though about this awkward situation and how I would be clueless to find a solution. What could possibly be done to ease the tensions?

As I was thinking about this he said something to me and I responded politely, I was busy and he was trying to delve into my private life so I didn't engage in conversation, but continued with my work as I was concentrating on it. About 10 minutes later he came back and said 'I didn't mean to offend you before when I said... ' I replied he hadn't offended me I was just concentrating on my work. But he kept on and on & continued to try and delve into my private life further (he hadn't got a satisfactory answer before so although he came back to apologise he was bringing the subject up again - so I guess his apology was an attempt to pry further to get an answer, but I didn't want to answer & I was cornered) at which point I snapped and said 'I'm not answering that because my personal life has nothing to do with you, I'm concentrating on my work and unlike you, if I've nothing worth saying I won't say anything at all'..

And that was that. He shut the fook up! result. I didn't think anything could silence him, but that did, and not just for an hour but for 4 full hours, not a word was spoken from him and peace was restored, infact he shut himself in a cupboard to do some work. So he wasn't heard or even seen.

I wasn't proud of my reaction, quite embarrassed, I have limited self control. I certainly wouldn't discuss that, I would never talk about or criticise a member when they're not there. But the team aside for a mo, if I hadn't of responded like that, I think he would have tried to exercised his control over me. I'm actually quite nice, quiet, helpful & unconfrontational & people like him throw their weight about & his behaviour towards me I'm certain would have become more difficult, let's say.

So I think the problem is, he is the newest memeber of an already well established group, he hadn't integreted but instead has tried to take control, which doesn't go down well. We all have a drink together after work and he's the only one talking, and talking louder than anyone else and not even about anything interesting. He's disturbed the equilibrium, we were balanced before. I don't know the psychology of a person who enters into a group and tries to control it, arrogance perhaps? But what's the diplomatic procedure when one member of a large team is causing the rest problems? how is this situation dealt with 'tactfully' I suppose he needed putting in his place and that certainly wasn't my job or my intention to put him there (in that cupboard he took to), but what else is there to do?

[hortonpilot]

Mum',
 this is something i battle with.

sometimes we snap as you say and we are unhappy with this...... but it gets results .
We have to go this far to show the limits to others because they don't see them otherwise.
Don't beat yourself up over the matter.  which i do.

As time passes you can often be friendly with these people despite the "snap' so it is just part of the process.


Horton

[hortonpilot]

Oddly for me some of my explosions at work have really cemented my position in the "team".
People have a better idea of where i am coming from , i think.

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It's a difficult situation. I think you are right, however wrong it may feel it does get results. I remember working in large office with a control freak, he would kick over chairs & cause such a fuss when he wasn't happy, the managers were afraid to approach him & he pick & choose his jobs. He ran the show while they cowered beneath him.
I think also the guy above has been winding me up longer than I realised, over this last week he kept on saying 'You're not taking me on you are you' and I didn't know how to repond to that, I didn't know if I'd been concentrating so much I'd not heard him speak to me so asumed that comment meant I'd been ignoring him, but I don't think it did, I think it's a phrase he uses randomly. Also whatever I was doing he would comment ie: if I had a pencil in my hand he would say 'Do you want a sharpener for that' or 'Do you want a tape for that' etc.. I replied a few times that if I wanted something I would get it myself or ask.. He's just on people's case all the time, any excuse to talk and control I suppose, but he doesn't realise because after my outburst he said to the manager 'I'm sorry I just seem to be getting on people's nerves tonight' so maybe it did make him realise & hopefully he wont hold it against me but know his place now.
There is already a heirachy established based on work, commitment, time served, helpfullness & ability to get on & get on with people.. He's at the bottom of the pecking order being the last to join but he didn't realise this, maybe he will now..
Thanks horton and I agree it's better to express genuine feelings rather than repress them. There is no subtle way I guess, many people are afraid to express their true feelings and maybe in the right circumstances it can be admirable.

[hortonpilot]

Mum,

 everything you need to know is in what you have written,
"'You're not taking me on you are you' and I didn't know how to repond to that, I didn't know if I'd been concentrating so much I'd not heard him speak to me so asumed that comment meant I'd been ignoring him, but I don't think it did, I think it's a phrase he uses randomly. Also whatever I was doing he would comment ie: if I had a pencil in my hand he would say 'Do you want a sharpener for that' or 'Do you want a tape for that' etc"

Highly manipulative , whilst appearing slightly helpful.
Well constructed games by this person that most would miss.
Everything for this person is a deal, beholden is a situation they like, their way.

Step back a bit.
Observe others and you will understand the dynamic of your office.

As you rightly say , one can be uncomfortable with holding your ground or even losing it a bit.
i have battled with it all my life.
A friend at work asked me about this aspect....... she is under the hammer.
when you consider the past  the explosions rarely have catastrophic and life-ending results, 90% of the time it is good , although you may not feel comfortable.
Never the less we shy away from this stuff because of politeness..........may be it is all crap being nice?

Note . Some do this all the time and are comfortable with it!
Ponder this.

The best thing to do is choose your time and always be prepared with a good defence.
Go to the right person /boss when you are calm and put your case in un emo terms that they will understand.
For this you need to be on the ball and not act like an arse with others..boy who cried wolf.

I had a problem with a serial bully at work,  waited till the right moment when they went far too far in front of others in a professional situation.

with good clear thinking i was able to chose my moment to complain of the behavior from a professional POV and then just said when you come to work you should leave all person crap at home......the person is not happy and needs to get their life in order , then their work and level of happiness will increase.
Boss i think was taken aback but realised it was all true.

Since then the work relationship with that person is fine.

I am not privy to what people say about me because i don't gossip to hear.
But a was told people are a little scared of me .

Do you see the mechanics of it ?

Horton
Meanwhile i get treated fairly well , but i have a good work ethic and never lazy

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yes I do observe behaviour, ask me what he was wearing and I wouldn't have a clue. funny you say 'office' as this was the key the word that set me off. I don't work in an office.. He said to me following one of his 'You're not taking me on are you' to which I replied 'I'm sorry did you say something I was concentrating' and he replied 'You didn't use to work in an office did you?' ... I felt uncomfortable with that as it was obviously asking what I use to do but without asking, and I was aware of this and why I found it hard to respond to the technique of covert language manipulation. I didn't want to tell him what I use to do, so I said 'Do I look like someone who'd work in an office' and turned to continue my work.. Having not got the answer he was after - being a nosey git.. he came back to apologise and brought it up again, to which I still didn't answer and he eventually said 'what did you use to do?' to which I replied (actually screamed) 'It has nothing to do with you...'
hehehe it seems funny now... But can you see what he did to try and find out what I use to do? I don't usually react in such a way when asked directly and had he asked directly over a drink or at a more socially appropriate time, I would have been more civilized in my reply. I just can't respond to such techniques.

I totally agree that it is better to observe to bide time and calm down, I do usually as it's the common sense & mature approach, the problem was he cornered me, I didn't know how to react. Strangely I recently wrote about this 'What we do when we don't know how to react is usually not to react at all), and I have even told myself and written myself a script for when these occasions arise for I would say 'I don't know how to react to that, so I'm not going to' but I didn't draw upon my plan of action instead few into a furious rage... hehe

And like your relationship above that has improved, I believe if people accept & overcome their differences without holding a grudge it's a true sign of maturity, intelligence and acceptance and therefore a person of more value than previously percieved :-)

I wouln't want people to fear me, does that not bother you? I would want them to know I was a just and fare & genuine person that they can have some fun with. That's all.

[hortonpilot]

I returned to the workforce after many years of working for myself, so i was very much out of practice with "office politics".Situations were not what i was used to,it caught me a bit by surprise. Earlier in life workplace situations were very different and i think close to perfect, harmony for the most part. so coming to work in a toxic workplace as it is known has been a real challenge.
Always in my mind is that i need to keep this job at all costs.

So it was for a long time a thing of being bullied ,various other just cop it but i don't.As far as people being "fearful", i only meant they can never be sure what i will say.
I always stand for justice and what is fair.
Am known for being cheerful when others are negative.
I guess this is some kind of force?

Things seem impossible at time but in the longer term you can overide a lot of stuff, takes a bit of time, be patient and consistent.
Horton

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 'toxic environment' such a powerful description. An environment - weather it's an office or a country is subject to a culture, don't you think? The culture dependent upon what though?

I've been in environments where I certanly don't belong, ie: in an office.. it's not for me although I remain friends with x colleagues. That was a case of me also having to have a job at any cost, having walked out from the previous office job (no self control hehe).. which was to keep my children housed, but home is where you make it.

I'll never feel at home in a corporate enviroment or satisfying duties that have no meaning to me. They seem to be people of a different breed.
I work in creative arts (I'm able to think and make things) and this has been where I find people most like me. The environment & people suit me well. I think it's finding your own natural place to suit individual interest, skills and ability. It works best. The majority of people are in the wrong jobs and incompetent (I was one of them in the office).. people need to find the job & the environment for them instead of doing any job at any cost. The environment is more important than money to me and I have walked from well paid (office) jobs to low paid jobs because my life is more important than anything that money can buy.

I also think if a person doesn't fit in, they don't stay, but move on until they find the place they belong. With the guy above I think he will eventually move on or he'll have to adapt and be more like us, it he desires to feel any sense of belonging.

I found it really patronising that he could keep saying to me 'Do you want this for that' I thought because I'm female he thought me incabable of doing anything'.. I thought at one point to myself If he asks me if I want something again I'm going to ask him if he wants a pie'.. (he's obese) I would never have said that but the thought made me chuckle.. He's likely to need a pie more than I need help.
The funny thing too is he give out his orders, 'just pick that up, just hold that, just get that for me' to the younger guys but if someone ask him to do something he'll say 'I'm not getting on that ladder I'll break my neck'.. or 'I'm not picking that up I'll get splinters in my hand'... hahaha Oooo seriously he's got to gooooo!! :-)