I've discovered I have issue with men

[CompletelyBroken]

and I have no idea exactly what it is or whats causing it but it almost ruined my marriage.

This will be a very long post and I appreciate anyone who finishes it!!!

My name describes exactly how I'm feeling. I almost ruined my marriage of 3 years to the most wonderful man. Up until this point we've had a healthy and stable relationship. I'm 24 and he is 39. We have had small issues with the age difference but not the kind people would think. We are very compatible in all the right areas and up until a few days ago we have been perfectly happy with our relationship.

I have quite recently discovered something about myself that I had been keeping in the dark. I have issues with men. I constantly seek male approval whether it be from a close friend or a random acquaintance. I have lost 18 lbs since the beginning of the year which seem to set my need for approval on fire. I've had secret little friendships with men since early on my marriage. Internet chatting mostly. Some people I've met through out the marriage that I saved their phone number and we would text, just little things like that that at the time seemed innocent and harmless to me. It all escalated when I finally took it too far. I worked as a cocktail waitress as a part time job to bring in a little extra money and met someone who I was very attracted to. He caught onto this and before you know it I'm giving him a car ride to a house his crew was renting (he was a contractor from out of town). We sat in my car for an hour give or take. There was no sex or anything extremely intimate but it could have easily gotten to that point. I let him touch me, ex. play with my hand, kiss my forehead, caress my cheek, give me a back massage... After awhile of this I kept telling myself this just isn't right and finally asked him to leave my car. Even though I know I didn't physically cheat on my husband, I emotionally cheated on him because I kept in contact with this guy for awhile. I finally confessed the situation to my husband. After the car incident it hit me like a ton of bricks that there was something very wrong with me. I love my husband. I have never a day in my life wanted to become intimate with anyone else or even be with anyone else. We have a very satisfying and steamy sex life, so I'm not missing anything in that department.
I really have no complaints about my marriage except that my husband has to work quite a bit and so the amount of one on one time we get to spend is limited.

I'm at my wits end with myself. I have done more soul searching and examination of myself in the last week than I've ever done. My husband and I have talked about the infidelity and we decided that we will work through this together. Now I have to start from scratch. The issues lie within me, not my relationship, and that is one of only a very few realizations I've come to. I also figured out that I lie to myself. I tell myself things are innocent and no big deal and that its normal for me to feel I need attention from men. It's also not about sex. If I wanted sex I would have been cheating on my husband. I would have had the man that was in my car. It's about getting their attention. Now I guess the first thing anyone would tell someone like me is "Tell me about your father". My dad was a truck driver and gone a lot over the road when I was growing up but always active in my life and very loving. When I turned 18 he and my mother divorced and he moved away to a different state. I was hurt for a bit but a year later moved with him. We went through a few years where our relationship was a bit rocky but now he is living with us for a until he can find work and a place of his own.

I was hoping maybe someone had insight on why women feel such a need for male attention. I want to work on my marriage I'm terrified of losing my husband he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It kills me every day to think of what it was like for him to hear from me about all these "friendships" I had been hiding from him and all the flirting that went on. I am ready to lay it all down, I am willing to abandon any friendship I've had to regain his trust. At this point I feel as if I don't want to deal with men at all but I know this isn't the healthy way to "fix" myself. I want to figure out what is causing the issues then learn how to have a healthy acquaintance with men.

Thank you so much for reading if you made it this far. I'm not sure if this is the right category but I figured I was pretty safe in the "general". :-)

[seekinghga]

This inner desire for the attention of men is just that:  an inner desire.  To suppress it would make your husband happy but could very well damage you psychologically in the long run.  Let me ask, is this a desire like "I want a beer" or "I want to go to the mall" OR is it more akin to "I need air to breathe"?  If it is the latter then you can almost be positive that this is a deep-seated, subconscious message that is trying to reach you and will most likely need more personal attention than can be provided by a forum.  In such a case you could consider counseling.  Meditation, too, could help you get in touch with this problem at a more "spiritual" (poor word, but you get what I mean?) level. 

The important thing is that if this is not some capricious whim and you really, really feel in your heart of hearts that you require this attention, you must NOT suppress it.  Your mental health will not pardon an offense of that magnitude, that you can be sure of.  (Look at the Roman Catholic priests who took vows of chastity which in turn suppressed their sexual desires, and see how that suppression manifested itself in the form of child abuse.  While that is not even close to your scenario, it is a very poignant example of what suppression can do to otherwise mentally sound persons.)

[CompletelyBroken]

I don't know what kind of desire it is because up until this point I have completely ignored that it was a "desire" and convinced myself it was completely normal. I do know that when i try to step away from myself and look at the entire picture, I view myself as being broken. It no longer feels natural it feels like I have a huge burden hanging onto me and I want to rip it off. I'm disgusted and literally nauseous when I think about it. I have this nagging feeling that it might not be about men at all, that somewhere along the line I developed this idea that having male attention would make me feel a certain way. These things are so hard to explain. I know a forum can't fix me, but I was just hoping someone would say something that would make sense or point me in the right direction. At this point I cannot afford counseling.

And I want to make clear that even though bringing infidelity into my marriage is what made me realize I had an issue in the first place, this is something I want to fix whether I can save my marriage or not.

I have thought about meditation and have been on somewhat of a "spiritual" journey if you will to open myself up and let out all the issues in myself that I've been harboring. I want to bring it to light so that I first at least identify what the problem is and then figure out the best way of taking care of it. 

[SWM]

hi CompletelyBroken

i think that you are experiencing a very normal process. perhaps it is a process that not all people go through but it is "normal" in the sense that it is not "abnormal" if you get me.

it is very natural to have positive feelings about the attention of other people, particularly members of the opposite sex.

it seems to me that you are seeking positive reinforcement about your identity as a "sexually" (using the word in a general, non specific way) attractive female. again this is nothing "abnormal" it is quite natural.

perhaps there are two things that we could think about as problems with the above process.

1. you feel guilty about this process particularly when you act on your instincts to seek male attention. this is perhaps due to the betrayal of your own and your partners values about relationships.

2. this kind of behaviour suggests that you dont have a positive internalised sense of self worth. ie. if you felt with in yourself that you are sexually attractive, (or some other quality which i may not identified yet) then you would not feel the impulse to seek approval or attention form males in the same way you do at present.

hope that makes sense for you.

so i dont think you are CompletelyBroken as your name suggests perhaps OnlySlightlyBroken would be more appropriate   lol

[Enigma]

I have thought about meditation and have been on somewhat of a "spiritual" journey if you will to open myself up and let out all the issues in myself that I've been harboring. I want to bring it to light so that I first at least identify what the problem is and then figure out the best way of taking care of it. 

If you truly want a spiritual journey to inner core of your psyche, then I recommend LSD. 


If you plan to take this route, be sure to thoroughly research the topic. 

[seekinghga]

I almost ruined my marriage of 3 years to the most wonderful man. Up until this point we've had a healthy and stable relationship. I'm 24 and he is 39. We have had small issues with the age difference but not the kind people would think. We are very compatible in all the right areas and up until a few days ago we have been perfectly happy with our relationship.

I have isolated this paragraph because there may be some connection between it and your problem, maybe not, but your posts are all I have to go on.  You say that you have had small issues with the age difference, but not what people think.  What do people think?  What are these "issues?"   If the details are too intimate, then except my preemptive apology for eliciting them and ignore the question.

You say that you let a man make physical contact with you in your car, while not intimate, but in a way that oversteps the bounds of normal social intercourse at that stage of relationship.  I know this is stating the obvious, but I must lay my groundwork.  How did you feel as this was going on?  How did your husband react when you told him?  How did you feel when your husband reacted?

You then say that you do not want sexual relations from other men, just their attention.  This, to me, is indicative of a different form of lust than the usual corporeal version.  Also, you indicate that this attraction to other men disgusts you very much.  Being repugnant to your finer senses, I would posit that this feeling exists at the bestial level, which is the realm of tendency and instinct.  A grotesque portion of what C.G. Jung calls the Collective Unconscious.  Somewhere along the line some thought or idea or notion was implanted into your mind (I'm not talking microchips or alien abduction superstition) through the act of your perceptions nurturing your outlook on life.  This notion then continued to grow until it reached the point that it is at now.  My advice to you is to begin keeping a log or journal of any such times this tendency afflicts you.  This way, if there is a pattern to this behavior, it will become more apparent.  Now, I am just making a suggestion, please do not lambast me for giving orders or such sort.  Furthermore, really try to understand your reactions when this occurs, what forms they take, how much resistance you show, etc.  You have already objectified the problem, which is a definite first step, and a good one.

As for spiritual recommendations, there is a veritable cornucopia of religions and paths that one can follow to suit their needs.  The Dhammapada of Buddhism, the Upanishads of the Hindus, the Torah of the Jewish people, the Quran of the Arab, etc., are all doctrines that have been praised throughout modern history.  I always recommend Raja Yoga as a non-dogmatic alternative to religion.

I am just adding to what has been said and do not wish to offend anyone, in any way.  Perhaps by answering my questions, you will find that others are able to lead you to more fruitful ends.  In either case, I wish you peace.

[Merana]

I know someone who was in a similar situation of needing and enjoying men's attention while never actually thinking about being unfaithful to her husband. She wasn't a flirt, either, but she was very pretty, so guys were drawn to her. She grew up without a dad, with a mother who was rather stern, always finding faults in the daughter. So no wonder she craved other people's approval and admiration. It took her some time to figure out the reasons. When she did, it was easier to deal with things.

It sounds like you love your husband and are willing to do anything to save your marriage. That's good, you are on the right track. I don't think your marriage is failing, either. You have talked to your husband, and you have agreed to work on this together. You also say that you are willing to abandon all these friendships. I'd say you are on the right track.

[Philbert]

I have thought about meditation and have been on somewhat of a "spiritual" journey if you will to open myself up and let out all the issues in myself that I've been harboring. I want to bring it to light so that I first at least identify what the problem is and then figure out the best way of taking care of it.

I dunno.   I feel foolish inserting myself in to this, but I am foolish, so here goes.

If there's a mistake, maybe it's only in taking yourself a tad too seriously? 

You had some very normal emotions.   You made a baby mistake.   You've admitted the baby mistake to yourself and your husband.  You're dealing with it together.

You're in good shape!

Meditation seems like a good plan, more good sense from you.   I would suggest, don't use meditation as an analytic tool to grind on your situation.   Use meditation as a break from grinding.   

You've discovered that you're imperfect.  Welcome to the club!  You'll always be imperfect, no matter what you do.   Cut yourself some slack, and smile and be happy.   You love your husband, he loves you, and life is a bowl of cherries.

Hey, it could be worse!  You could be a silly old man who gives free advice to total strangers on the Internet.   Now if something like that should happen to you, ok, then it's time to start worrying.  :-)

[pljames]

Completly Broken,
 We are social creatures like it or not. There are hermits but only a small majority. It is our nature to find fault withourselfs or others. But claim it as a learning experience and move on. You are unique there is only one you! The word perfect is a misnomer. The sentence you are a learning person is better than finding fault. pljames

and I have no idea exactly what it is or whats causing it but it almost ruined my marriage.

This will be a very long post and I appreciate anyone who finishes it!!!

My name describes exactly how I'm feeling. I almost ruined my marriage of 3 years to the most wonderful man. Up until this point we've had a healthy and stable relationship. I'm 24 and he is 39. We have had small issues with the age difference but not the kind people would think. We are very compatible in all the right areas and up until a few days ago we have been perfectly happy with our relationship.

I have quite recently discovered something about myself that I had been keeping in the dark. I have issues with men. I constantly seek male approval whether it be from a close friend or a random acquaintance. I have lost 18 lbs since the beginning of the year which seem to set my need for approval on fire. I've had secret little friendships with men since early on my marriage. Internet chatting mostly. Some people I've met through out the marriage that I saved their phone number and we would text, just little things like that that at the time seemed innocent and harmless to me. It all escalated when I finally took it too far. I worked as a cocktail waitress as a part time job to bring in a little extra money and met someone who I was very attracted to. He caught onto this and before you know it I'm giving him a car ride to a house his crew was renting (he was a contractor from out of town). We sat in my car for an hour give or take. There was no sex or anything extremely intimate but it could have easily gotten to that point. I let him touch me, ex. play with my hand, kiss my forehead, caress my cheek, give me a back massage... After awhile of this I kept telling myself this just isn't right and finally asked him to leave my car. Even though I know I didn't physically cheat on my husband, I emotionally cheated on him because I kept in contact with this guy for awhile. I finally confessed the situation to my husband. After the car incident it hit me like a ton of bricks that there was something very wrong with me. I love my husband. I have never a day in my life wanted to become intimate with anyone else or even be with anyone else. We have a very satisfying and steamy sex life, so I'm not missing anything in that department.
I really have no complaints about my marriage except that my husband has to work quite a bit and so the amount of one on one time we get to spend is limited.

I'm at my wits end with myself. I have done more soul searching and examination of myself in the last week than I've ever done. My husband and I have talked about the infidelity and we decided that we will work through this together. Now I have to start from scratch. The issues lie within me, not my relationship, and that is one of only a very few realizations I've come to. I also figured out that I lie to myself. I tell myself things are innocent and no big deal and that its normal for me to feel I need attention from men. It's also not about sex. If I wanted sex I would have been cheating on my husband. I would have had the man that was in my car. It's about getting their attention. Now I guess the first thing anyone would tell someone like me is "Tell me about your father". My dad was a truck driver and gone a lot over the road when I was growing up but always active in my life and very loving. When I turned 18 he and my mother divorced and he moved away to a different state. I was hurt for a bit but a year later moved with him. We went through a few years where our relationship was a bit rocky but now he is living with us for a until he can find work and a place of his own.

I was hoping maybe someone had insight on why women feel such a need for male attention. I want to work on my marriage I'm terrified of losing my husband he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It kills me every day to think of what it was like for him to hear from me about all these "friendships" I had been hiding from him and all the flirting that went on. I am ready to lay it all down, I am willing to abandon any friendship I've had to regain his trust. At this point I feel as if I don't want to deal with men at all but I know this isn't the healthy way to "fix" myself. I want to figure out what is causing the issues then learn how to have a healthy acquaintance with men.

Thank you so much for reading if you made it this far. I'm not sure if this is the right category but I figured I was pretty safe in the "general". :-)