Most People I know are Horrible WHY?

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I can count on one hand the number of nice people I've met in my life and I wonder if other people experience the same. Are the majority of people horrible? And is this 'evolutionary' developed as 'survival'...
Why are people horrible and why do we not like each other so much? Aren't we meant to work in teams to increase survival changes (different skill-sets etc) yet the opposite is happening. Can anyone offer a theory?

Most people I've known are:
Liars
Manipulators
Bullies
Abusive
Unreasonable
Underhanded
Unreliable
Nasty
Ignorant etc.

Why?

[NataEames]

Mommy, majority of people are weak, therefore they cannot mature completely. Immaturity is like being a child, and children are selfish, jealous, bullying etc.

This is not really survivalism. Being ignorant does protect you from pain but that is just short-term. Those who are survivors learn to live with pain and bear it, and eventually become above it, they don't run away from it. But since majority of the world is weak that list you wrote is what we come across.

But most of those people aren't "bad", they just didn't grow up and are too weak, therefore they find other means to get what they want. And a lot of people who have been treated bad in their lives live with the need to treat everyone around as bad. Naturally, they don't do that openly - they con, lie, manipulate, sabotage and other things.

You are very right! Working in teams and learning to co-operate is the way to survival. Charles Darwin said “In the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed”. That is very true.


-Enter voodoo scientist-  LOL my idea of a joke

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Yes I think I can get what you say about the infantile state. Reminded me of a book I once read I think it was called 'Consumed'.
And again I think you hit the nail on the head with those who manipulate, sabotage etc they learn underhanded methods, naturally not doing it in the open, maybe because 'wanting' is a weakness. But' having' is perceived as success. Hmmm interesting.

I'm the improvisation queen, can make or do anything except that is be in the company of 'horrible' people, so I fail Darwins natural selection as I'm unable to collaborate with these people. Or even tolerate them. I've tried and it's too hard, makes for uncomfortable and incongruent relations.

Just seems to go against all evolution, maybe it is natural selection and maybe that's what war is about, killing each other, keeping the numbers down so we don't overpopulate the world. possibly there are too many of us now and it's like 'This planet isn't big enough for the both of us' Bang!

[voodoo scientist]

Most people consist of all these characteristics and more. The reason that most people you know are horrible is because you perceive them as being horrible. You could just as well choose to perceive them to be good, you just don't. Ultimately, "who" people "are" only makes up about 20-25% of their behavior, so you can really make up whatever opinion you want.

Basically, you hit the nail on the head yourself: your methodology for evaluating people is maladaptive and needs to be changed to factor in positive characteristics at a higher weight. You'll know you've got it when about 50% of the people you meet qualify as bad and 50% of them qualify as good, or whatever you feel is a good distribution to achieve your goals.

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"your methodology for evaluating people is maladaptive and needs to be changed to factor in positive characteristics at a higher weight"
you have such a subtle way with words voodoo. :-) Harry Hill has nothing on you.

I've tried to think of nice qualities in these people and they don't have any. I wrote examples but they were lengthy so have deleted them. But really, they are 90% horrible.

[NataEames]

Another possibility could be that those peoples' personalities just do not fit with yours. You may be gentle as a person while they are too straight-forward and blunt or you may have a different mindset from them etc.

As a teenager, I would pick fights with certain people unpleasant, thinking that they were asking for it. In reality, they were more decent-talking to me than my own friends. But as a hypersensitive, I could tell their deep-rooted dirty intentions as if they were in their words and thought that everyone could see it. I had a lot of trouble with such people because of my views.

Point is, I can tell that you are a very sensitive person and we sometimes take things from our feelings more than our logic. That is irrational because most feelings are in fact false. I sometimes can truly feel that I can fly - doesn't mean I jump off a roof. Sometimes we might take people as horrible people from some small negative signs which might as well just be the person being in a bad mood for the day or just a part of their aggressive personality. We can remember this as a big flaw in their personality and them being horrible people if we don't think it through logically and rationally.

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I get what you're saying, really I do and maybe on my part it is delusion I will therfore give examples.
My dad was wealthy, he made his money honestly and worked hard, he would sit in his chair at the end of the day and count his massive wad of money. He was a womanizer an alcoholic and a wife beater, he made a fire in the garden and threw on all my moms family photo's. She left him after he beat her up with me in her arms when I was 18 month old. He collected top of the range cars and expensive watches but my mom had nothing, he was a miser. O I almost forgot upon his death it was discovered he had bought many business and had secret family that he also treated badly. I was generous when I said 90% horrible.

A long term friend I would invite to places would always say 'sure' I'll come, then 1/2 before the event would call with an excuse and let me down (every time) but it was no big deal I invited her to share in the experience. But I would go out of my way for her she would message me  and say 'I need my facebook picture changing do us a nice one will you'. 'I need a lift to the train station' 'I need to buy a camera and don't know which one so come with me' and as expected I was there. The only one time I asked something of her she let me down. I was pretty discusted and ripped into her with a text. She never appologised but got spiteful and did things she thought would get to me. What sort of 'friend' is that. She's nasty. She could never say sorry to anyone but makes excuses up for her behaviour. She once gave birth not knowing if her husband was the father. She only mentioned it in passing years later as if was nothing. I was generous when I said 90% horrible.

My mom had a tough time so the story is complex as my brother became disabled/brain damaged she had it hard (my dad said he couldn't return to his house as he didn't want to look after a cripple) because he's lived there before his accident. So he came to live with mum & sister (as they were long seperated after he beat her up while hold of me - she walked out). So my brother now disabled after being in a coma for two years come to live with my mom, my sister and me. He's frustrated & such (he was a nice person before) and hit me on top of my head so hard I became unconscious. I was 11 he was 20, his violence and abuse continued throwing things at me from across the room, making snide comments etc. My mom pandered to his every need and each day she spent every hour keeping him occupied with playing games like backgammon. When she had a minute she would spend it in the kitchen talking with my sister. My mom showed favouritism to my sister and was ignorant towards me. I never held this against her as it was tough but she wasn't very nice to me. Money was tight and one xmas when I was 16 she handed me an envelope with £20 in and said 'you're too old for presents now'.. I thought that was how it must be when you turn 16. Then I looked across the room at the £150 stereo my sister had got, who was 5 years older than me. That's just one example. That sister I fell out with a long time ago, that's another story. But she was horrible to me too.

My x from 12 years ago still post notes of abuse through my door as he continues his campaign of intimidation and abuse which is unreasonable and ridiculous to which I don't respond. Another horrible person.

Just last year I met a few guys. One I saw for months lied and said he lived with his parents but he lived with his girlfriend. Another had a girlfriend but pestered me & really tried hard to manipulate me. Another was just ignorant.

In the past people have lied about me. My niece who I grew up with told family that I tried it on with her husband? people thought either I had or he'd made it up to get her jelous. they didn't even go so far to think she made it up..

Of late I've tried hard with people, I bumped into cousins and old friends and arranged to meet up, I leave my number but they don't get back in touch! can't believe people so ignorant.

I HAVE WONDERED IF THEY ARE JUST HORRIBLE TO ME

I can be quite passive, for example I never showed any emotion when I lived at home, with my brother, sis & mom who really did all pick on me. It was hard on everyone and I was like the person they took out their frustrations on. I never responded. Did't express any emotion, I was really hurt but pretended it didn't bother me (which probably made it worse in hindsight). I've learned to pretend being let down doesn't bother me, but it gets to the point where it's a piss take and I can take no more and I don't.

Also I think I've just realised (like 20years too late) that I'm physically very attractive. I've been compared to Natalie Umbruglia, kirsten Dunst, cheryl cole (type) in the past but i thought this just hair or something. But even in shops recently I've had guys say 'O my you're pretty' and passing someone on the street one guy said 'You're gorgeous' or 'hello beautiful'.. I put this down to them being charmers.

But now when I put that with everything else I have artistic talent, I am intelligent, and I wonder if people are just horrible to me because they're jealousy. Is that possible. IT'S ME. And it's me who causes people to be horrible towards me?

I will point out I've never been jealous of a woman in my life. I have been jealous of men and the lifestyle and commaradarie they share, though. I guess this is because although I'm quite happy to be with women they see me as a threat and so I've never really experienced that level of intimate relations I observe in men.

So I conclude. Some people are just horrible to everyone like my dad and my x long term friend. But others are just horrible to me. It's something about me. Possibly because they're jealous or see me as a threat..
Mostly I have good relations with men. Apart from the odd one or two lying to get me into bed (hehe) I get on really well with most men. The problem is women & my x.


Thanks guys.. Writing this has helped me loads.

[NataEames]

Mommy, they are not just horrible to you. There is nothing wrong with you. I understand a lot of the things you wrote and you would be surprised how much in common we have, even our fathers.

People can see that you are very understanding of how they are, or at least feeling. And they may view that as a threat but generally for that reason people just wouldn't be around you, than be horrible to you.

Those people who still post notes after years and stuff just have no lives of their own. I could have spent my day posting crap on people's walls but I have things to do and it's not worth it. Nobody who has a life would do such a thing. It's insanity and obsession. Those are very wrong people.

The long term friend you mentioned who would always let you down and ask a lot of you, I've known dozens of people like that. They are selfish, weak and parasitic! Such people have betrayed me and everyone around them. They are like this to everyone because they have been treated unfairly before. This is their idea of revenge on the world. And if you do happen to make them do something for you, they will make sure you do something 10 times more for them. Personal experience.

You see, all of those things sound like they make a person horrible. But if you look deeper, they are just sick. This is illness and corruption due to how their lives have been. We are all susceptible to becoming like them or worse if we give in to this and I have watched some of my own friends become selfish and betray me. A truly evil person wouldn't do this. They would make a plan and strike or always be openly bad to you. These people are in fact worse. They just do this, most times not even knowing why (it is all in their subconscious). They are harmful to others because they are harmful to themselves in the first place. Does that make sense?

I'm going to go out on a limp here and guess this about your father: When your mom met him he was caring and charming and she fell in love and everything was beautiful. Then slowly, most possibly after you were born or while she was pregnant, she found out that his beautiful words were filled with lies and his behavior changed drastically because of his drinking. And possibly, she would even provide him with alcohol so that he drinks and passes out because when he would start sobering up and needing alcohol, he would be ten times more aggressive and abusive and she was scared for hers and your safety.

He may have tried to quit and promised her that he would change (especially if he was in trouble or she threatened to take you and leave him) but he would always go back to the same ways and even worse. He would throw things and beat her up and when your mother left him, it was immediately after he punched her with you in her arms or after waiting and hiding until he passed out. She took you and left the house with no money and barely, if any, baggage. She went and stayed at a family member's or very close friend's house.

Does any of that sound familiar?

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Thank you nata for reading and your reply, which for the most makes sense and that's a comfort. I remember not agreeing with you when you said previously people who treat people badly do so because they've been treated badly themselves. That's not the case. My long term friend is an only child and has always been spoilt rotten. By her parents and by her husband. She's like Nelly of Little House on the Prairy. I've seen her reaction when she's manipulated things and it's like an achievement for her that she relishes. It's worth pointing out I was her only long term friend. Not many people like her. She gets friends quickly but they are always short term and I recently realised how she does this, she offers them something like babysitting then from thereon it's only ever taking.. So she manipulates friends.. Who aren't real friends & why they don't last. I may be disappointed in people but I can't deny I find their behaviour interesting.

My family is complex. The story of my father is just a story I retold as I have no real experience or emotional connection to that story. (except on hearing he burned photo's I was horrified). But as I was only 18months when we left I don't remember anything. I'm the youngest of 8 children. I believe they were happy for the first 8 years and stayed together 16, the latter 8 of which were hell, I overheard. My older sisters talked of hiding under beds at times when all hell broke loose, they moved out asap when they turned 16.
I saw him on the occasional sunday until I was 8years old, I didn't see him again & he died when I was 15. On those sundays we visited he would always say 'Tell your mom to come back'..
Meanwhile he was keeping another family, the eldest of which just 2 years younger than me (I have 4 younger 1/2 brothers, only discovered when he moved them into his house 10 years after my mom had left, (when I was 12) but he continued his violence with her, she often left for the  refuge, but she always returned. I guess what you describe above is what they experienced.

Alcohol would have played a huge part in it I'm sure. Tragically. It's a real shame all round, the alcoholic too, they must do battle with themselves as well as everyone else.

I work in isolation a lot so what I use to say in the office I now have to say online, like here and is how I get my communication fix. I can sometimes loose the plot and loose myself in philosophy or theory and become detached from the physical world (but I do write fiction so I'm well practiced in it). But these past few day's I've mixed with a few people and it's restored the balance a bit especially as these were NICE people :-) including yourself Nata..

[NataEames]

Thank you for your kind words. I've always known that people with whom I had a lot in common have gone through similar childhoods to mine, which is how I could predict those things about your father. And you yourself have mentioned a while back that you think we have a lot in common.

Please make sure your mom knows that she did the right thing leaving him and it was for her and your safety. My mom knows she has done the right thing but sometimes feels guilty that she had me grow up without a father. Me telling her that anything was better than growing up with a monster like him and that she was strong to leave him and raise me on her own helped her a lot and made her happier.

And as for your longterm friend, if she was spoiled like this than it's just her being stuck up but there are people who want payback from the world. One way or another, both those kinds of people feel like the world should be kissing their feet. Which is why nobody will ever like or stick to them unless they have something they need.

The world is filled by a lot of people who are selfish, greedy, rude, weak, ignorant, etc. But a lot of people are different in different situations.

Eg. The man is kissing his employer's ass and beats his son when he comes home. This is misplaced anger from his work, which he takes out on his family.

A woman at the mall yells at you that you're a bad parent and your child will never be disciplined because your child accidentally bumped into her while looking at something else. This woman might have been in a hurry and had a lot of stress on her and probably regretted saying that later.

Such cases are very common and vary depending on the personality and the situation.

I'll even give an example of myself:
I like to think of myself as a polite and reasonable person and I don't get angry easily but the mechanic who came over to fix my car was late and I missed my meeting. And after he fixed it and left, I went to pick up some documents and it stalled half-way again. After the mechanic had specifically confirmed that this wouldn't happen. I was stuck on the side of a highway with my battery low and it was getting dark (this is one of the situations I have always feared). I called the mechanic while in that state and yelled at him. I told him he was a con man and that I was going to sue him and his company. He was a pretty big guy but he got very scared, he called me back several times to apologize and beg me not to go through with my threats.

That wasn't very reasonable of me so I calmed down, called my fiance and waited for him to pick me up. I faced the situation I feared most and snapped. If I was a weaker person I would have picked fights with my family and friends because of my bad mood.

I guess another point that I am trying to make is that we get tested in such situations where we are not in control.

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Hehe, it's funny what you wrote (not literally) but because I thought I may be coming across as a pushover, letting people treat me badly, but I don't. I can only tolerate so much. And it seems neither do you with you screaming & threatening your mechanic. I don't think you were unreasonable at all. You did good there I think! Made him realise how he'd made you feel & maybe by doing so you became human and not just another paying customer.
I think many people would have been too embarrassed or too passive to complain and yes that's when they take out their frustrations on someone close. Totally agree with that.

I haven't been stressed for years. But just lately I could kick a cat, although I never would. And I think because people have been shitty. Can't believe you say 'Tested in situations we are not in control'... I was recently tested in such situation and I kept control, only I wish I hadn't. I was in a business meeting with a total tosser (he was offensive & rude bla bla ) everything about the circumstances told me to get up and walk out, it was very hard to remain seated, but I thought by doing so I was being 'professional' and in control of my emotions and saw it as a test of my 'professionalism' but on reflection because it went against my nature so much it didn't make me feel 'professional' it made me feel 'shit' because I hadn't been true to myself.. 
A few weeks later I was called for another meeting and I said 'I wouldn't by choice put myself in the same room as him again, so I will absolutely not be there'... I suppose I had to go through that to realise I value honesty & dignity above 'professionalism'...

People think nice people are a walkover and week in their niceness but they're wrong. I was recently at a manic street preachers concert, for some time I tolerated a little erect penis being rubbed into my back by some weirdo behind me but I couldn't tolerate a group of 10 dick swinging cretins who thought it fun to push & crush the little people before them, physically & purposely hurting them. A guy who kept throwing his whole bodyweight on to me finally got the message when I punched in him the face, another I had to elbow in the ribs until he doubled over in pain & the last I kneed in the .. well you get the idea as I felt it my duty to protect the little innocent people from these thugs (and they were huge and stocky men in their 30's) hehe..

It can't ever be the right thing for women to stay in violent relationships. Your mom was strong in leaving, it takes strength of character. I've never had a 'father figure' and I've never missed it. The only thing I would say is because I've never witnessed what a father should do, I ended up takin on the mother & father role when I had children, my partner did absolutely nothing and I took on disproportionate responsibility I would be tiling the bathroom, decorating, shopping, the houswork etc as well as working full time (he never once turned on the washing machine or cooked or cleaned) because I didn't know what fathers were suppose to do..

I was never close to my mom she died when I was 24.

I've observed so much horribleness from people it just made me wonder why have we evolved this way.. Any reality show (not that I watch them) the contestants hate each other..  I think it's an interesting question why people are at conflict so much and what evolutionary purpose does this really serve. I shall now go to bed and imagine a world where we all get on, like each other and just imagine what that would be like, just because I like to imagine things.. :-) You're a shining star in a dark sky Nata, you are hope for the future of humanity lol..

[NataEames]

When i said "we are tested in situations where we are not in control", i meant not that we can't control ourselves there, but that we are under authority or some other obligation. We are not the bosses.

I do agree on what you said about valuing your dignity and honesty to yourself more than merely an idea of professionalism.

Most people hide that they are horrible and most others ignore their behavior.  I do wish that people were more considerate but they are so overwhelmed and absorbed in their own selves and their own problems that I don't know if I have the right to blame them anymore. It seems that the world we live in produces people like these.

But they are not highly sensitive like we are. We can see people "right through" sometimes. Most times. But we are the minority, even though I think we are superior. Most of the great musical inspirations, artists, philosophers and psychologists were highly-sensitive people and at least for a part of their lives, they were thought of as crazy or weird because they were not like others.

[decian]

Dear Psycho-Mom,

You've heard the story of the blind men trying to describe an elephant based on touch, alone? One felt the trunk and said "snake;"  the leg-feeler said "tree," etc. you get the idea.  You can imagine that the person whose arm sank into the opening below the tail, must have reached an unpleasant conclusion about elephants.  Their tiny perspectives misled them all.  Had they known the true big picture, they might not have been squashed or shat upon.

The point is, IF all you ever see is a very tiny, "bad" fraction of humanity, you can't help but conclude that most people are bad. 
I have found that exactly the opposite is true. 
People are rational by nature -- they always try to do the best they can (as they understand it) under their circumstances. 
They instinctively know that their best chance for happiness depends, largely on them and how they relate to others.
You are an excellent example for you have rationally sensed that things are not their best and wish to change that fact. 
Hence, you've asked for opinions here. 
But, the part of the elephant you have felt, so far, has led you to an unhelpful conclusion about the way thiings are.

If people are basically good, how is it that they do bad things?
It's because they don't have enough choices that are good for others and themselves at the same time.
They were brought up this way, or have been jaded by bad experiences, or made a mistake, or things simply stacked up wrong for them.
You have to play the cards you've been dealt. OR BETTER YET, CALL FOR A NEW HAND OF CARDS, A NEW DEAL.

May I suggest that you change the circle of people you're most exposed to (at least widen it). 
The right set of folks, once found, will change your circumstances and views in a most favorable way. 
And the odds are very much in your favor for finding them -- for there are simply more of them.
Once you meet enough of them (and believe your eyes), you will come to agree that most people are good -- because to believe otherwise is not a formula for success in this world. 

Lessons:  (1) pick your friends and circumstances with care and (2) don't stand behind elephants.

I wish you great good fortune in your quest for truth.

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Nata "When i said "we are tested in situations where we are not in control", i meant not that we can't control ourselves there, but that we are under authority or some other obligation. We are not the bosses."
I'm really sorry, I knew what you were saying about control but I used it and twisted it to tell my own story. But you noticed. hehe... I totally understand everything you say and only 'misinterpret' purposely and selfishly to talk about ME :-)
All the greats were indeed like us, because we are observers, thinkers and I wonder if you too are 'creative'.

Thank you Decian your words are very wise and also comforting. The big picure is what I see. Like the 'friend' would see a designer handbag as a status symbol, but I could see the process of this from beginning to end, including factory in china and the marketing techniques & placement of ads. Most people only see what they want to. (or what's put in from of them). The elephant is a good analogy of the retail business also.
Yes I've dumped a lot of people this year which leaves virtually no one. But it's been a cleansing experience and I'm positive the people I may associate with in the future will be valued relations. The thing here is I don't and can't impose myself on others, I've tried to befriend people & it does't work, the people I know mostly are people who've imposed upon or befriended me and I've accepted them. Hope that make sense?

[hortonpilot]

 Most People I know are Horrible WHY?

You need fewer people in your life?

Horton

[NataEames]

Lol it's ok. I've done that quite a bit too. I have a bad habit to notice and pick on such little things (I also have a streak of OCD) sorry

Why don't you make a list of the personality traits you would like to see in people? It seems like you have had to compromise quite a bit in your life and didn't get the chance to meet and befriend those who are more decent and humane.

There are quite a few kind and considerate people in the world. We sometimes miss them because we only look at the unpleasant ones and focus on their flaws. Just don't lose hope that there are such people and you said you have your own children, try to encourage them to be kind yet strong.

You need to have a hard shell for the harsh outside world but let the close ones around you inside the shell where it is your own kind and loving atmosphere to share with those you love. By keeping that in mind, I've been living my life quite happily with my family and friends around me.