Need advice: lonliness -vs- relationship

[nate720]

Who ever it was that said: "women, can't live with them, can't live without them", knew what they were talking about.  Because that pretty much sums it up for me.  If I have a wife or girlfriend, all I want to do is get free.  If I am single, I get so lonely that I need my girlfriend back so bad it drives me crazy.  This is an endless looping cycle that I am stuck in.  It led to my divorce and now effects my relationship with my current girlfriend.  So I find myself skimming along the surface between these 2 worlds like a rock skipping across a pond.  What is the solution?

[liza123]

"We never have what we like, we never like what we have, still we live, love and hope that some day we will get what we love or love what we get, that is life".....

Perhaps, it is time for you ask yourself what sort of life partner you are looking for....

Love thyself before you can love others, your life partner is not there to fill any void......

[SWM]

it seems that you know what you want, although you have not made this explicit in your post.

you want to have compnaionship and you want to have freedom.  currently your relationship is not allowing you the freedom that you need and perhaps you are overdosing on the company as a result.  

how can you find a balance, to maintian both companionhsip and freedom? that is your current quest.

[liza123]

As SWM said, that is what your post seems like. It is as if you know what you want(deep down though you may not fully acknowledge it!) but you want the best of both the worlds,you do not know how to balance it. another person cannot fill your void. it is one of the reasons why personal(husband-wife/bf-gf) relationships tend to break up. you have to "fill up your own void". your partner is there to share, support, etc

[liza123]

finding the balance between freedom and "having a relationship" is difficult but, it is possible..

the solution has to come from you. you have to ask yourself what you want out of a life partner(to choose the right one!), how to occupy your time so that you do not feel lonely without a partner, etc.

the solution is in your hands.

ps- there are people who lead solitary lives and yet, they do not feel lonely. they are occupied with something that they love to do.

[anaklio]

Breaking your dependence on other people is incredibly hard to do. Our society breeds dependence. I think everyone should be single for an extended period of time in their adult life at least once. I learned so much about relationships by being alone. <---That's what you call "dramatic irony ;-)

[Farsight]

The solution is to get a grip of your drives and impulses, and understand that you have to steer a middle course instead of careering from one extreme to another.  Maybe. Maybe it's something else. Question: did you love your wife, do you love your girlfriend, and do you love yourself? If the answer is no, that's your real problem.

[voodoo scientist]

People who have the kind of trouble you describe (my interpretation of which may or may not be accurate) often have trouble committing because they can't predict the full consequences of committing to the particular thing. In relationships, this can cause an effect similar to the "loop" you describe, as the biological imperative to select a mate and reproduce comes into conflict with the fear of commitment.

If this seems intuitively recognizable to you, seek out a good cognitive psychologist and use him to help you better understand why you act the way you do in and out of relationships. Until you understand why you do things, you have poor hopes of changing how you do things.

Edit: Get a real psychologist, not some self-help NLP quack. And don't accept antidepressants right off the bat, they're just trying to get you out of their practice.

[psy_guy]

Why do people keep reviving threads of more than one year old? I mean, in other forums it's counted as spam...

[username]

sorry...

[SWM]

sorry...

there is no need to apologise.

I moderate this forum and it is not counted as spam here.

I don't understand why somebody would have a problem with old threads being commented on, nobody has got to read or comment on them because they have been revived.

some of the topics have special interest and appeal to a narrow section of the population by reviving the thread the poster is connecting with that special interest group.

[gone]

Many times when I've been researching or reading (even pc problems) I've ended up reading post that span upwards of 5 years. For anyone wanting information (not just conversation) the date doesn't matter. Anyone can add their 2 bits worth at anytime and I for appreciate the contributions. And by complaining psy guy you are just making them more current ;-)

[username]

since everyone is here anyway: did nate720 ever solve his problem?

[xiaoyu]

everything has it's way to solve,I believe this words.we need courage to face it.

good luck!