Need suggestions for major family issue

[Creation]

Hi, I'm not sure if this is proper place for this as I am new but here goes.

I have an "uncle" who is dying of cancer.  This is a man who I have not known my entire life.  He has never made an attempt to care about any of the people outside of his immediate family.  I have never had a conversation longer than a sentence as far as I can remember.  From what I know about him, I don't like.  He's leeched off his parents most of his adult life.  Borrowed money constantly to support a drug habit whilst living in Thailand.  Never had a job until the last 3 years, but probably only because his parents could no longer send him money.  He was arrested in Thailand with a large quantity of methamphetamine and was found guilty with intent to sell.  Spent about 4 years in a Thai prison (2001-2005).  He has several mental problems according to my mother, and I'm not an expert, but from what I know about anti-social behavior, I would say he has at least that.

My mother is a very loving, caring person who forgives anyone no matter what they've done.  For instance, when my mother was in her 20's, she lost her only son in a fire.  Only days (less than a week) after the tragedy, the aforementioned uncle (her brother) cursed her out and told her that it was her fault that her son died. 

My mother wants me to go see my uncle because she still loves him, whereas I do not.  For me, love between family members is expressed through caring about one another no matter the cost.  A man who does not make an attempt to connect with members of their family does not care about them.  I can however, understand not having the guts to speak to someone you haven't spoken for a long time to their face, but instead say through a third party something along the lines of "Hey, I'd like to talk to that person" or something.  I know for a fact that he hasn't even done that, as my mother honestly told me when I asked her.  I obviously have much less of an emotional attachment to him, but I do consider myself a reasonable person, and since I love my mother, I offered her the following:  If my mother asks him whether he would like to see me, and he responds in the affirmative, I will go see him.  Am I being selfish or unreasonable? 


A few other issues.  No one outside of his immediate family (his mother and my mother) have been to see him, because to some degree or another, they feel the same way I do.  He's nonexistent to most of the family.  Also, my father is very critical of my mothers family, and shows a lot of resentment towards them for too many things to name.  This leads my mother to defend them no matter what.  All I get from my mother is good things, and I mostly get negative things from my father.  My mother thinks that my father has corrupted me, and while the things he's told are true about the family, I do admit that he painted a bad picture of them in my younger days.  At this point in my life, I feel I've been able to separate myself from his views and make my own mind up about them, as I reject a lot of things he says nowadays.  For example, when he starts complaining about his mother in law, I ask him to be quiet. 


I know this is long, and I appreciate any help.  I've never felt that these issues were strong enough to go see a psychiatrist in person, but I don't have an avenue to go to now.  Cheers.

[Philbert]

...and since I love my mother, I offered her the following:  If my mother asks him whether he would like to see me, and he responds in the affirmative, I will go see him.  Am I being selfish or unreasonable?

Sounds like a good solution to me.  It seems wise to not assume what the dying person might want, and to ask them, and then respect their wish if possible.

When people get sick, a power vacuum is created, and sometimes others rush in to fill it.   Sometimes with good intentions, sometimes not.   You're allowing the sick person to keep their power by bringing the question to them.  Thumbs up for that.

Sometimes some people like to manage other people's relationships.   Not such a good plan imho, especially when dying is involved.   

Personally, and this is just for me not anybody else, I'm not wild about the idea of rushing to the bedside of someone I've had no contact with in years, or vice versa, them coming to me.  If I'm not willing to be in their life, I don't really have much business being involved in their death.  Again, this is just a personal outlook for mysef, not a judgment or a prescription for anybody else.