Something is driving me mad, and although I'm not keen on posting here, I know of no other place to express this. So here goes. I don't even know how to explain it, but people are a problem to me. It's like I can only see their hidden motivations for behaviour. I've had my fare share of rants about people here, are they really all horrible because time & again I lose faith in them, or is it just me?
For example: I know someone who's set up a charity, to the average person there is nothing odd about that BUT I KNOW her motivation for this is so she can wear a nice dress, have her picture in the paper, be a socialite, get attention, pull a bloke (although she's married) & get some money thrown in for her efforts.. She isn't a nice person, infact she's down right horrible, and being perceptive I can guess how this charity episode will end, bitterly.. But why can't I just believe like everyone else. She hasn't said to me "I'm starting up a charity so I can tart about and get my picture in the paper" so why should I think that? (because I know her motivations and anything else would be fooling myself - I don't even think about this stuff it's just obvious).
Just last week someone said to me "I was going to get a website made, then I remembered you could probably do it for me".. Ok there may be nothing in that sentence that rings bells to the average person, but that to me is a sentence of clear manipulation.
I just knew he wasn't going to get a website done, I know he wouldn't pay a professional when I've done stuff for free for him before. I know the score.
Rewind a few months and he said he was going to get a leaflet printed and would I "Have a look at his design".. Which wasn't a design at all, but a microsoft word document with big & small lettering on. So out of the goodness of my heart and because I'm a natural 'giver' I knocked a professional leaflet out that would have cost £200+ had he paid a designer. Graphic design, web design is not my thing or my business, it just so happens I'm creative and self taught in this stuff and can do a job as good (if not better) than any professional. I said I would do the webiste for a friend a favour at £400 and he said fine. But this inc a lot of work, from him wanting me to take photo's to socially network his site, and writing in SEO and ultimatly getting his site to top of google listings.. Not a problem because I'm smart too, but this would have cost £1,500+ if he paid a company for all he required.
I built the site, and linked it into other stuff and he said he'd pop round with further instructions, I said call at the bank on your way because I want £200 now it's built and the remaining £200 when complete to c satisfaction. He came with £30 and said he was struggling so I'd have to wait. I did a bit more work on his website while he was giving me instructions, and he said "Leave it at that for now" because he had no money to pay and only wanted it next month anyway, (lie - he said he wanted it for the end of February) but I let that go and was diplomatic and reasonable and emailed him a day later to say I'd leave it up and if I didn't hear anything within a week I'd remove it, then we could re-negotiate it nearer the time he wanted it.
A week later I'd heard nothing so I reminded him before removing the content (site remained but without words), saying it's just on hold and we could still re-negotiate towards end of March when he required it. He said "Bloodhell I didn't expect you to react like this, companies only pay me at the end of the month" and followed with questions asking if the work I'd done for him has stopped me getting paid from someone else? He needed to know because he wasnt' sure.. (notice here: what has that got to do with anything?). The thing here is he tries to justify not paying by saying companies work on a 30 day invoice... I replied if he wanted to talk in company terms: design companies work on a deposit and so do I and he hadn't even paid that.. But worse, he tried to turn it into a thing about MY time, saying he thought I was going to work on it 'here & there' not spend 2 days doing it.. to which I replied "Weather I worked on it bit by bit or in one big go, why would you think one set of time is less than the other"... And then he said "I need a website if you don't do it someone else will and thought you could do with the money.. (obviously trying the blackmail route of money) then "I never pay for good before I recieve them" I reminded him he had recieved the goods, he had a website..
There was nothing he didn't try to manipulate.. a website, then to manipulate the dispute to being about MY time, then about payment terms, then the threat about going somewhere else while reminding me I could do with the money?... I ended up saying "I find your methods manipulative and I think it better you get someone else to do it"..
Had he just said 'Thanks for what you've done so far I'll get back to you at a later date" that would have shown appreication for what I'd done and left relations good, but no.. He'll have to pay someone else a shit load of money for less of a job.. hehehe :-)
What is wrong with people? Building a website for someone for 1/4 of the cost they don't pay then try to make out I'M the unreasonable one? This is the mentality of people. Why?
And that's how I concluded it, I don't want to know people like that.
This was someone I knew well some 20 years ago, we've been in touch on occasion as friends for the last 3 years, he's irritating and ignorant and arrogant but I accepted him for those things, as part and parcel.
But the episode above concluded in me realising he's manipulative and that's something I can't and don't want to tollorate in anyone. We met in a town for drinks one night & I watched him as he watched his watch as his last train time came and went.. no effort to catch it, stranded 20 miles from home, without so much of a word.. My sister was with us and drove him home, but he missed the train purposely, manipulating the situation as he wanting to stay over.. But I paid my siter £10 fuel money to take him home.. ARgghhhh...
So this is how perception works. I rememberd that missing his train episode, I remembered his 'what do you think of my leaflet' episode and now we had the website episode.. Each time there was an element of manipulation.. him saying 'leave the website at that for now' would have meant he'd manipulated a free website 'for now'.
Removed & condemned to history, I can't stand people like that..
But that's my problem all people are like that, manipulative, ignorant or selfish.. only on occasion do I see something nice in people, but those aside for now. It is what I believe a problem, do I really have insight or do I just think I do, maybe he above wasnt' manipulative, what do you think?
I don't seem able to see the superfical, the facade, like a cereal box will say 'WHOLE GRAINS, OATS' the image of hearts, people jumping, crops etc gives the illusion it's a healthy product, but read the back of the box and it 40% sugar.. People present themselves like the cereal, as one thing, but look at the back of the head and they're another thing entirely. And that's what I see, I can't see anything else..
Now I think about it, I don't think I'm going mad because actors, writers, directors also observe this but I would like to turn it off now & then. Do I learn to tollorate them, or tell them what I think of them?
Anyone know what I'm talking about?
Topic: Perception, Insight into the Motivations of Others - (deciphering behaviours) (Read 1353 times)
November 10, 2008, 03:43:44 PM