I debated if I should post this under relationships or here in personality. I decided here since that is the root of my question. I searched the topic 1st with no results.
I have searched the internet for this, but can't really find much on the Psychology behind this.
Can anyone describe (and point to additional resources) of the psychology of a man that is a cuckold. (Likes spouse/girlfriend to have sex with other men)
I understand it's a submissive personality, but what kinds of things form this personality?
I am asking the question in regards to myself. I do have ADHD. My mom is great, no issues with how she raised me.
I understand a lot of things about myself, but really can't figure out the root of this.
Thanks in advance and I appreciate replies.
I am also desperately seeking to understand this. Interestingly I seem to have some things in common with you; I have ADD, and have been raised by a single mother. I'll also make a point of stating that my mother does not fit to the stereotype of the single mother and has strived to raise me well. Despite all the thought I given this question and the various things I've read, I have not found information as relevant to the understanding the question as the thoughts displayed in the few posts here.
Instead of attributing the fact that we have the same 'fantasy' to our ADHD/ADD, I think it's more likely that the shared character traits and inquisitive natures often displayed in ADHD/ADD sufferers leads us to both seek the answer to this question. I found it quite interesting that you said "I understand a lot of things about myself, but really can't figure out the root of this" because It sounds as if we are similar. I give things a lot of thought and seek to reach solid understandings over many things concerning my personality, but particularly to validate things like relationships and friendships.
I am a cynical and untrusting, but very trustworthy person. I’ll describe elements of my nature throughout this to in order to help those others in search of the answer , because it’s through only through understanding the similarities between us wannabe cuckolds that we can begin to understand the psychology behind it. In a similar sense it also useful to note what differences there are amongst us in order to define what characteristics can be regarded as unrelated to the ‘fantasy’ of wanting to be a cuckold. For you only have to briefly surf the net to see that this is not an uncommon obsession.
Just to keep things accurate and allow for productive responses I’ll clarify before anyone else does the fact that having these urges is not what makes someone a cuckold. The term ‘cuckold’ is originally used to describe someone whose spouse’s infidelity is displayed without consent. It was a derogatory term (with a very interesting history that I won’t delve into) used to describe whichever unfortunate person whose wife had been nailed. So it’s apparent that the expression has merely been adopted by the significant numbers who yearn for their other half to enjoy someone else - or is it for them to be enjoyed by someone else? Or both? Or is it out of degradation of oneself? It is difficult to describe the exact ideology of the modern ‘cuckold’ because it is practiced on so many different levels – from those who insist on being there and there being no kissing – to those who go to the extreme stage of putting their wives up for ‘breeding’.
In the earlier days of my relationship the mere thought of someone else having my girlfriend turned my stomach. There was nothing exciting about it in the least. So that leads me to believe that it is something that develops through time and the level at which you go to is entirely dependent on how much restraint you exercise. You describe the personality of a cuckold as being a submissive personality. I don’t think that it’s necessarily down to having a submissive personality – but most definitely submission is in the end product.
Apart from one night stands and meaningless short relationships with quite a few girls, my relationship with my girlfriend is my first and only ‘proper’ relationship. We say we have been together for 5 years, but there was a year spent apart when I went away to university and couldn’t bring myself to trust her. PERHAPS relevant, is the one occasion where my girlfriend did betray me. We were both very young and while on holiday she kissed another guy. She didn’t love me back then as I’m certain she does now – but I certainly loved her, and as pathetic as it may sounds – it tore me apart. She was honest about it (not to the degree I wanted, and it did take a few days to get the full picture) though and was determined to remain with me. We stayed together, her feelings for me increased dramatically but I remained extremely untrusting. I’d hate to be classed as insecure, or to be accused of being controlling over her, but it was the case that I hated her going out with her friends, or doing anything that could allow for flirting etc.
Out of decency I refrained from making any demands, but it was clear that I didn’t trust her at all and thus the relationship had to end when I went to uni. The thought of her being with someone else was utterly awful... but it was the idea of being betrayed that scared me most. What wasn’t mine to worry about - was less to worry about and a long distance relationship would have turned me into an insecure wreck. It was easier to block it out of my mind and I got on with uni life, which involved a fair bit of sex for me.
It was only after we got back together (and we have now been for nearly 3 years) that I became conscious of these strange urges. I can clarify that I’m in no way bi-sexual like some wannabe cuckolds are – which probably helps in ascertaining the basic psychology of the cuckold (without the existence other urges which inevitably add complication).
So can any of the above be connected to the development of my cuckold urges?
- Well while I had quite a lot of sexual experiences during the break up she did very little, she had still slept with no one else and had only kissed a couple of guys. Perhaps her lack of experience and my fears that she’d probably want more?
- My increased knowledge of the female of the species and the realisation that very few can really be properly trusted (i’m VERY untrusting)?
- My absolute love for her and fear of losing her?
Well I know as much as to assert that the urges of the cuckold hold a strange correlation with the darkest fears of the cuckold - Initially anyway. I think this must be the case for everyone in some way? Again, it is the extent to which a man allows these urges into his life which controls how far he is to go with it. This all involves the level of explanation to the other half of the fantasies and the respective perception of these fantasies by the other half. The fear of how the other half may react, or interpret your sexuality also goes a long way into deciding the level at which you engage it.
Commonly accepted by the cuckold is the status as inferior, or less manly than the one who she will be having sex with. This is often also related to the confidence of the man, the size of his manhood and his virility.
Now, while I’m not a confident and outgoing person, I am sure of myself. I may be not be proficient in attracting girls in the conventional ways e.g. by approaching them on the dance floor, but I seemed to have good luck when I was single and enough girls came to me. Similarly, I only gained confidence through sex, having a pretty large member. I got back together with my girlfriend because I loved her, couldn’t resist her and valued the relationship more than cheap sex.
So why did the urges come along after all that? I don’t want to view myself as submissive – i’m very hesitant to and don’t really like the label. I’m the kind of guy that stands up for himself regardless of how big the other guy is, or indeed how many of them there are. In the same sense, when I first liked the idea of my girl doing another guy, I hoped for him to have a smaller penis than mine, as not to pleasure my girlfriend so much she doesn’t want me anymore! But now, as i’ve carried on along the road of cuckold fantasy I realise that indeed it would be a bigger turn on if he was better endowed than me and gave her more pleasure...
Is it the case that by allowing the fantasy to persist and develop I’m getting into the more ‘hardcore’ ideology? Am I letting the barriers down and allowing for desires to get increasingly extreme? What once would have upset me – the idea of her being pleasured more by someone else – become accepted and turned into fantasy? And is my view of myself of the tenacious kinda guy that ‘stand sup to...’ just an example of short man syndrome? Perhaps so. With the calming of our sex life through time, have my fears been turned into fantasy? And why...
“Female Infidelity and Paternal Uncertainty: Evolutionary Perspectives on Male Anti-Cuckoldry Tactics by Steven M. Platek and Todd K. Shackelford, Cambridge University Press, New York, 2006”
Is more concerned with ‘fear’ than the ‘fantasy’ and on face value has seemingly little to offer to this question. However, I read the following book review:
“Evolutionary Psychology, A Review of Steven M. Platek and Todd K. Shackelford “Female Infidelity and Paternal Uncertainty: Evolutionary Perspectives on Male Anti-Cuckoldry Tactics” www.epjournal.net
– 2007. 5(2): 358-362, The View From The Cuckold, Kelly D. Suschinsky and Martin L. Lalurnierne, Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Canada”
It initially put things into perspective for me in the simple way it analyses humans from an evolutionary, and hence primitive perspective. I often remind myself that people in the past regarded themselves with as much virtue as we do in our age. We are just a little farther along the evolutionary timescale, yet in our modern world we perceive ourselves as so different from our ancestors. We have the very same emotions, we just exercise them in accordance with the ways of our society (which inevitably will be regarded as primitive one day too). Sorry if I’m seeming to go off at a tangent...but it’s so true... and key to understanding many things about ourselves
Anyway, the review focuses on mating strategy... it’s a very interesting review and I suggest you read it for yourselves. I won’t go into it in any more detail, but the main relevance to this question the following exert:
“An interesting implication of the notion of male intra-vaginal competition is that male sexual arousal need not always be tightly connected to male sexual preferences. In general, men physiologically respond to sexual situations that match their sexual interests (something that is not quite true in women). But intra-vaginal battles demand men to become aroused to situations that are actually unpleasant for them, for instance the suspicion of their partner’s infidelity” – p3
Again we arrive at the issue trust. Or at least the question of whether you can guarantee in your mind, the faith of your partner...
I have a lot more to say, and I know this isn’t structured well... but I’m going to have to cut it short. I’m amazed I’ve managed to concentrate for so long as it is. But my power of expression is fading and no more rits tonight. No time for a conclusion tonight, but I must beg the question of whether we should just fight any such urges? Because as enjoyable as it may be for both – you ARE doing it for different reasons... and while the faithful love of your spouse may persist... you’re still gonna let some other guy fuck her... i mean wtf? Arghhh.... anyone feel free to polish off a conclusion for me, i’m spent. If the discussion continues I most definitely have more to say. I'd like to adress carlforu2's point too and discuss the timeline/expression of the urges. Also i'd like to take the advice of any older people who read this, because i know at the age of 22 its remarkably early - but i have time to save myself right, and nothings gone wrong as yet, gnight