Author Topic: [NSFW] Psychology of a cuckold  (Read 92376 times)

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ILADHD

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[NSFW] Psychology of a cuckold
« on: June 01, 2009, 09:26:23 PM »
I debated if I should post this under relationships or here in personality.  I decided here since that is the root of my question.  I searched the topic 1st with no results.

I have searched the internet for this, but can't really find much on the Psychology behind this.

Can anyone describe (and point to additional resources) of the psychology of a man that is a cuckold. (Likes spouse/girlfriend to have sex with other men)

I understand it's a submissive personality, but what kinds of things form this personality?

I am asking the question in regards to myself.  I do have ADHD.  My mom is great, no issues with how she raised me.

I understand a lot of things about myself, but really can't figure out the root of this.

Thanks in advance and I appreciate replies.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2011, 11:51:05 AM by SWM »

captphredd

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2009, 08:59:04 PM »
I debated if I should post this under relationships or here in personality.  I decided here since that is the root of my question.  I searched the topic 1st with no results.

I have searched the internet for this, but can't really find much on the Psychology behind this.

Can anyone describe (and point to additional resources) of the psychology of a man that is a cuckold. (Likes spouse/girlfriend to have sex with other men)

I understand it's a submissive personality, but what kinds of things form this personality?

I am asking the question in regards to myself.  I do have ADHD.  My mom is great, no issues with how she raised me.

I understand a lot of things about myself, but really can't figure out the root of this.

Thanks in advance and I appreciate replies.

captphredd

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2009, 09:13:52 PM »
I wish I knew, I am trying to figure out the same thing. I very much like my mom, my dad was a good guy but kinda distant. I am not a push over with my wife on anything in our relationship but am very much a pleaser and I do look for her to make the first moves sexually in our relationship. 

  This is my second marriage and it was a deal breaker with me if she did not want to sleep with other men before and after we got married, something she found hard to believe at first but thankfully and happily is my friend and we have shared together.

  Now I would like to figure out the root of it, not so much to get rid of it as I have not only made peace with it, but embraced it as part of myself, but so that it doesn't control or get in the way of my relationship with my wife.

carlforu2

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2009, 01:59:41 AM »
ok. here is the deal. i have thought about this for a long time.  I cannot figure out why i am so turned on by my wife having sex with another person.  After going to counseling I have unfolded an event in my life at the age of 4 or 5.  basically my sister who was 14 or 15 at the time I was born attached to me as a kid mother.  The story goes that I went everywhere with her starting at an early age.  Had a real emotional bonding take place.  she was normal and my family was all really healthy too.  She gets married at the age of 18 or 19.  After the wedding she and her groom slipped out of the church's back door.  I was waiting at the front with rice in hand.  Here is the trauma.  The feeling of not being able to compete with the groom was so overwhelming that i was shamed and humiliated. 
It seemes like i turned the pain in to pleasure.
All through highschool dating I was obsessed with "losing my girl"  I was and have been extremely Jealous.... until I discovered that I could turn the pain into an orgasm.
If I try to put the thoughts of my wife having sex with somebody else away.... i instantly become Jealous.

Does anybody else have a trauma event that produced the feelings I have described and struggles with desires to be a cuckold?  I am making progress but need help.

ToUnderstand

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2010, 04:29:41 AM »
I debated if I should post this under relationships or here in personality.  I decided here since that is the root of my question.  I searched the topic 1st with no results.

I have searched the internet for this, but can't really find much on the Psychology behind this.

Can anyone describe (and point to additional resources) of the psychology of a man that is a cuckold. (Likes spouse/girlfriend to have sex with other men)

I understand it's a submissive personality, but what kinds of things form this personality?

I am asking the question in regards to myself.  I do have ADHD.  My mom is great, no issues with how she raised me.

I understand a lot of things about myself, but really can't figure out the root of this.

Thanks in advance and I appreciate replies.

I am also desperately seeking to understand this.  Interestingly I seem to have some things in common with you; I have ADD, and have been raised by a single mother.  I'll also make a point of stating that my mother does not fit to the stereotype of the single mother and has strived to raise me well.  Despite all the thought I given this question and the various things I've read, I have not found information as relevant to the understanding the question as the thoughts displayed in the few posts here. 

Instead of attributing the fact that we have the same 'fantasy' to our ADHD/ADD, I think it's more likely that the shared character traits and inquisitive natures often displayed in ADHD/ADD sufferers leads us to both seek the answer to this question.  I found it quite interesting that you said "I understand a lot of things about myself, but really can't figure out the root of this" because It sounds as if we are similar.  I give things a lot of thought and seek to reach solid understandings over many things concerning my personality, but particularly to validate things like relationships and friendships. 

I am a cynical and untrusting, but very trustworthy person.  I’ll  describe elements of my nature throughout this to in order to help those others in search of the answer , because it’s through only through understanding the similarities between us wannabe cuckolds that we can begin to understand the psychology behind it.  In a similar sense it also useful to note what differences there are amongst us in order to define what characteristics can be regarded as unrelated to the ‘fantasy’ of wanting to be a cuckold.  For you only have to briefly surf the net to see that this is not an uncommon obsession. 

Just to keep things accurate and allow for productive responses I’ll clarify before anyone else does the fact that having these urges is not what makes someone a cuckold.  The term ‘cuckold’ is originally used to describe someone whose spouse’s infidelity is displayed without consent.  It was a derogatory term (with a very interesting history that I won’t delve into) used to describe whichever unfortunate person whose wife had been nailed.   So it’s apparent that the expression has merely been adopted by the significant numbers who yearn for their other half to enjoy someone else - or is it for them to be enjoyed by someone else? Or both?  Or is it out of degradation of oneself?  It is difficult to describe the exact ideology of the modern ‘cuckold’ because it is practiced on so many different levels – from those who insist on being there and there being no kissing – to those who go to the extreme stage of putting their wives up for ‘breeding’. 

In the earlier days of my relationship the mere thought of someone else having my girlfriend turned my stomach.  There was nothing exciting about it in the least.  So that leads me to believe that it is something that develops through time and the level at which you go to is entirely dependent on how much restraint you exercise.  You describe the personality of a cuckold as being a submissive personality.  I don’t think that it’s necessarily down to having a submissive personality – but most definitely submission is in the end product. 

Apart from one night stands and meaningless short relationships with quite a few girls, my relationship with my girlfriend is my first and only ‘proper’ relationship.  We say we have been together for 5 years, but there was a year spent apart when I went away to university and couldn’t bring myself to trust her.  PERHAPS relevant, is the one occasion where my girlfriend did betray me.  We were both very young and while on holiday she kissed another guy.  She didn’t love me back then as I’m certain she does now – but I certainly loved her, and as pathetic as it may sounds – it tore me apart.  She was honest about it (not to the degree I wanted, and it did take a few days to get the full picture) though and was determined to remain with me.  We stayed together, her feelings for me increased dramatically but I remained extremely untrusting.  I’d hate to be classed as insecure, or to be accused of being controlling over her, but it was the case that I hated her going out with her friends, or doing anything that could allow for flirting etc. 

Out of decency I refrained from making any demands, but it was clear that I didn’t trust her at all and thus the relationship had to end when I went to uni.  The thought of her being with someone else was utterly awful... but it was the idea of being betrayed that scared me most.  What wasn’t mine to worry about - was less to worry about and a long distance relationship would have turned me into an insecure wreck.  It was easier to block it out of my mind and I got on with uni life, which involved a fair bit of sex for me.   

It was only after we got back together (and we have now been for nearly 3 years) that I became conscious of these strange urges.  I can clarify that I’m in no way bi-sexual like some wannabe cuckolds are – which probably helps in ascertaining the basic psychology of the cuckold (without the existence other urges which inevitably add complication).   

So can any of the above be connected to the development of my cuckold urges? 

-   Well while I had quite a lot of sexual experiences during the break up she did very little, she had still slept with no one else and had only kissed a couple of guys.  Perhaps her lack of experience and my fears that she’d probably want more?

-   My increased knowledge of the female of the species and the realisation that very few can really be properly trusted (i’m VERY untrusting)?

-   My absolute love for her and fear of losing her?

Well I know as much as to assert that the urges of the cuckold hold a strange correlation with the darkest fears of the cuckold - Initially anyway.  I think this must be the case for everyone in some way?  Again, it is the extent to which a man allows these urges into his life which controls how far he is to go with it.  This all involves the level of explanation to the other half of the fantasies and the respective perception of these fantasies by the other half.  The fear of how the other half may react, or interpret your sexuality also goes a long way into deciding the level at which you engage it.

Commonly accepted by the cuckold is the status as inferior, or less manly than the one who she will be having sex with.  This is often also related to the confidence of the man, the size of his manhood and his virility. 

Now, while I’m not a confident and outgoing person, I am sure of myself.  I may be not be proficient in attracting girls in the conventional ways e.g. by approaching them on the dance floor, but I seemed to have good luck when I was single and enough girls came to me.  Similarly, I only gained confidence through sex, having a pretty large member.   I got back together with my girlfriend because I loved her, couldn’t resist her and valued the relationship more than cheap sex.

So why did the urges come along after all that? I don’t want to view myself as submissive – i’m very hesitant to and don’t really like the label.  I’m the kind of guy that stands up for himself regardless of how big the other guy is, or indeed how many of them there are.  In the same sense, when I first liked the idea of my girl doing another guy, I hoped for him to have a smaller penis than mine, as not to pleasure my girlfriend so much she doesn’t want me anymore!  But now, as i’ve carried on along the road of cuckold fantasy I realise that indeed it would be a bigger turn on if he was better endowed than me and gave her more pleasure...

So...

Is it the case that by allowing the fantasy to persist and develop I’m getting into the more ‘hardcore’ ideology? Am I letting the barriers down and allowing for desires to get increasingly extreme? What once would have upset me – the idea of her being pleasured more by someone else – become accepted and turned into fantasy? And is my view of myself of the tenacious kinda guy that ‘stand sup to...’ just an example of short man syndrome?  Perhaps so.  With the calming of our sex life through time, have my fears been turned into fantasy?  And why...


“Female Infidelity and Paternal Uncertainty: Evolutionary Perspectives on Male Anti-Cuckoldry Tactics by Steven M. Platek and Todd K. Shackelford, Cambridge University Press, New York, 2006”

Is more concerned with ‘fear’ than the ‘fantasy’ and on face value has seemingly little to offer to this question.  However, I read the following book review:

“Evolutionary Psychology,  A Review of Steven M. Platek and Todd K. Shackelford  “Female Infidelity and Paternal Uncertainty: Evolutionary Perspectives on Male Anti-Cuckoldry Tactics” www.epjournal.net – 2007. 5(2): 358-362,  The View From The Cuckold, Kelly D. Suschinsky and Martin L. Lalurnierne,  Department of Psychology, University of Lethbridge, Canada”

It initially put things into perspective for me in the simple way it analyses humans from an evolutionary, and hence primitive perspective.  I often remind myself that people in the past regarded themselves with as much virtue as we do in our age.  We are just a little farther along the evolutionary timescale, yet in our modern world we perceive ourselves as so different from our ancestors.  We have the very same emotions, we just exercise them in accordance with the ways of our society (which inevitably will be regarded as primitive one day too).  Sorry if I’m seeming to go off at a tangent...but it’s so true... and key to understanding many things about ourselves

Anyway, the review focuses on mating strategy... it’s a very interesting review and I suggest you read it for yourselves.  I won’t go into it in any more detail, but the main relevance to this question the following  exert:

“An interesting implication of the notion of male intra-vaginal competition is that male sexual arousal need not always be tightly connected to male sexual preferences. In general, men physiologically respond to sexual situations that match their sexual interests (something that is not quite true in women). But intra-vaginal battles demand men to become aroused to situations that are actually unpleasant for them, for instance the suspicion of their partner’s infidelity” – p3

Again we arrive at the issue trust. Or at least the question of whether you can guarantee in your mind, the faith of your partner...

 I have a lot more to say, and I know this isn’t structured well...  but I’m going to have to cut it short.  I’m amazed I’ve managed to concentrate for so long as it is.  But my power of expression is fading and no more rits tonight.  No time for a conclusion tonight, but I must beg the question of whether we should just fight any such urges? Because as enjoyable as it may be for both – you ARE doing it for different reasons... and while the faithful love of your spouse may persist... you’re still gonna let some other guy fuck her... i mean wtf?  Arghhh.... anyone feel free to polish off a conclusion for me, i’m spent.  If the discussion continues I most definitely have more to say.  I'd like to adress carlforu2's point too and discuss the timeline/expression of the urges.  Also i'd like to take the advice of any older people who read this, because i know at the age of 22 its remarkably early - but i have time to save myself right, and nothings gone wrong as yet, gnight

« Last Edit: January 12, 2010, 04:47:39 AM by ToUnderstand »

Quigon

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2010, 11:06:20 AM »
As, I think with most things in life, who we are is dependant on what we get out of being who we are. Basic behavioural psychology. Calforu2, you have turned what was a pain round into a pleasure and now get that from being a cuckold so what need have you to be anything else? Until, possibly 50 years or so ago, the idea of a man’s wife having sex with anyone else with the knowledge of her husband was probably unheard of except, perhaps in the more lurid areas of Europe. In the UK it was certainly not the done thing. Now over the last 10 years I have spent a lot of time mixing with those whose tastes are definitely of the fetishistic variety. I was amazed at the number and variety of men who would submit to all sorts of weird practices. Some quite tame and some very extreme indeed. As far as I could tell there was no norm amongst them. They were all, as far as I could tell, intelligent, educated people. The majority of whom had good jobs. If you saw them on the street you would think they lived a fairly average middle class life and the most exciting they got up to was the family accounts on a Thursday night. But come Friday night there is almost a metamorphic change. They put on a dress or fetish wear of some description and become their alter ego. To go back  to your original question ILADHD of describing the psychology of a man that is cuckold I think the range would be quite broad. There are those who are indeed very submissive and enjoy the shame of being replaced and humiliated by their wife’s lovers. What about those who are involved as swingers? If you want to know more about this sort of thing might I recommend you to a journal called “Forum”. It is an English publication that is published in 6 countries and is, I think, primarily a sex magazine but it does look very closely at such things as this.

edit: Link removed no links to adult sites please
« Last Edit: November 22, 2010, 04:47:47 PM by SWM »

Zepher08

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2010, 04:44:22 PM »
Fear of intimacy & fear of engulfment. People do all sorts of things to create distance from making contact on a truly intimate nature. I think this is one method.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2010, 04:45:51 PM by Zepher08 »

hortonpilot

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2010, 06:44:30 AM »
Zephyr,

"Fear of intimacy" was what Eric Berne always said was the root cause of much of abnormal behavior.

Don't think much has changed  really.

Odd the very thing that might bring us peace and contentment is feared by the majority of us?


Horton.

Zepher08

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2010, 05:38:35 PM »
Fear of intimacy comes from the general thinking condition that vulnerability is dangerous and equals weakness. Attach the reality of fear and all kinds of stupid things happen. This would be a patriarchal theme and by and large males suffer from this fear more than females. The whole of the macho man and the super man no less a male god which resides on the exterior are manifestations of fear.

I do believe it is counter productive to the health of entire human race .

Z
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 05:53:47 PM by Zepher08 »

hortonpilot

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2010, 02:33:04 PM »
Zepher08,

  interesting .
Some times i am incredulous at the extent to which males will go in being macho and the denial of feelings. To the extent that they will risk their health and life.

It is like the whole world of feelings , poetic feeling and introspection are just felt by a few men who write books?
So great is the denial of feeling it gets in the way of their lives.
Pathetic little rituals of older men in how they arrange the tools or chainsaws on the back of their ute are copied by young men as a bad to show the world that they are a man.

Vulnerability is such a human emotion in reality.

Horton

hortonpilot

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2010, 02:34:52 PM »

sorry tired.
bad ,read badge.

Quigon

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #11 on: February 16, 2010, 02:58:54 PM »
Why is it a fear of intimacy? I admit that it might be one of the more obvious reasons but what if, through masochistic tendencies, it is a way to deeper intimacy? The feelings they get through this may be deeper than anything else they have felt. Just as some mystics reach some sort of spiritual nirvana through inflicting themselves with pain. Does the humiliation of being a cuckold create some sort of emotional high in the individual? It must do something or else they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Until someone asks a cuckold male why then we are just speculating.

mike

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #12 on: February 18, 2010, 07:15:29 PM »
Hi everyone, I am so happy to find this post, as I have wondered for the reason behind my desire for cuckoldry for a number of years, and have wanted to discuss it with "real people" and not the sex crazed fantasy fillled bullshitters on so called "cuckolding sites".

So that you can compare your own lives and experiences I will give you a little "background info"
I am a man of 47 living in a cuckolding relationship with a very beautiful woman who is 12 years younger than myself.
We have been together for 12 years and married for 10 of them. We are very much in love and still have a very hand holding hugging kissing "newly in love" type relationship.

When in my teens I was always a very jealous possesive person regarding girlfriends and I had difficulty in trusting people. I was a blonde haired good looking young man, although very much on the thin side and not at all a "fighter", infact  was often picked on, yet still got more than my fair share of girls due to my looks.

In my early teens I had a number of girlfriends that I was sooo "in love" with.
I was in a band and one of these girls came to a gig. I watched as an older man sat next to her while I was onstage and he flirted and laughed with her the whole evening. She seemed to really enjoy the attention from him and she also seemed to enjoy that I was jealous and fuming about it.  I felt trapped onstage and unable to go down to her to seperate them.

On another occassion ( same girl ) I turned up at her house top find her dressed up, make up, etc..and on her way out. She hadnt mentioned that she was going out before. She was apparently going to her friends house just down the street as it was her birthday.
A week later I found out from a friend that she was really at a nightclub that evening dancing with other guys.

On another occassion I turned up at a girlfriends house and she had another guy there who she then tried to hide from me and sneak him out the back door.

I was really hurt by all of these experiences and found it VERY hard to trust anyone again after that.

I myself was no angel either however, as I was often seeing a few othergirls at the same time too and non of them knew about the other.
I think that it is quite possible that somewhere in my subconcious I felt that if I was going behind their backs so easily, then they were probably doing it to me too...and I guess from there came my jealousy and mistrusting nature........then add to that the experience of discovering girls lying to me too.

The girlfriends Ive had over the years have always been eye catching and wearing short skirts, high heels etc...and going anywhere would always draw the attention of other guys which would make me feel both proud...but insecure and uncomfortable.

Apart from the times when I had lots of girls on the go at the same time and felt "in control", I have always felt insecure and a little submissive and I relate that back to always being picked on by the bigger guys at school.

Eventually I settled down and got married to a beautiful, wonderfull, kind, and loving woman.
For whatever reason a female domination relationship apealled to me in the sexuall arena, where my woman would order me around, make the rules and do whatever she desired to confirm my submission and commitment to her.

From that came my desire for her to cukold me. It would humiliate me, degrade me, and make me submit to her even more.

It took a lot of convincing her to do it to me, but we started cuckolding a number of years ago and are still involved in that lifestyle.
She has a regualr boyfriend that she sees approx 2 -3 times a month.
I have recently even asked to be denied entrance to her, and that she should only give herself to other guys in the future, and we have done this now for approx 5 months. I have even asked her to try to find another guy to see often too.

When all of this is happening, I am worried, scared, very jealous, hurt, very insecure, and yet I find it exciting and sexually stimulating, but cant wait for her to get home !
Its like I feel I need to feel humiliated, degraded and put down by her. Made to feel pathetic and wimpy compared to other men.

As I said earlier, otherwise we have a very loving ,caring, close, "soulmate" type relationship and are always together.

I have wondered for years why I want the beautiful woman that I love and adore more than anything in life...to be unfaithful to me and put me down ad prefer other men for sex !


hortonpilot

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2010, 06:55:31 AM »
Quigon l
Why is it a fear of intimacy?
People who play mind-games with others are generally projecting their neurotic behavior.

"I admit that it might be one of the more obvious reasons but what if, through masochistic tendencies, it is a way to deeper intimacy? "
Intimacy needs to be defined.

*Your statement confuses sensory pleasure with intimacy.
Some pleasures are low in actual intimacy but high in pleasure.
In fact many people choose pleasures that do not involve emotional attachment and intimacy.
To confuse that deep pleasure is the same as deep intimacy is silly , it can be but probably is not inmost of  the cases that you suggest. Other factors are involved.

People in surveys list lack of intimacy as a problem, even those in a relationship. I think therefore people may not know how to find intimacy very easily?

Horton

grasshopper

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #14 on: March 28, 2010, 06:48:15 AM »
Rather than the often quoted rationale that the desire to see one's spouse in sexual encounters with others arises from a fear of intimacy, could there not also be an element of pride and delight in the attractiveness of one's partner, or conversely of sexual boredom with one's longtime partner, coupled with a desire to witness external, independent affirmation that one's partner is still sexually attractive ?

While I draw the line at encouraging my current 23 year old girlfreind to get intimate with anyone besides myself, I must admit to a certain cruel delight in witnessing the reactions she triggers when dressed in a bikini, both from other women, who cast glances of barely concealed envy her way, and from men who drool like rabid hounds, in much the same way I did over other unattainable women, during those long stretches of my life when I was alone and hornier than a three peckerd rhino.  I am no shrink, so all this is purely wild conjecture.

ryan

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2010, 12:53:16 PM »
Hey guys, I found this by searching on google and decided to register, I feel like I need help badly as this is destroying me.

I'm 19 in november, I'm from Glasgow, Scotland.
I'm quite masculine, I'm 6ft 4 inches tall and 15 stone, mostly muscle.

I'll tell you a little about my background.

Growing up as a kid, I was always quiet and quite timid, I was very nerdy and grew up watching things like star trek, stargate, star wars etc.
My mum always seemed to bottle things up and mess things up although she has a good heart and always wanted to do the right thing, yet she seemed to always do the wrong thing and seemed like she never cared.

My dad is a great guy, one of the best in the world, he puts everyone before himself and tries his hardest to make everyone happy. We never always had much money due to my dad not being able to work as he's epileptic and I watched him do without just to do little things for other people, to make them happy. I've sort of got that from him.

My mum ended up fucking my dad around for years and years, yet he'd take her back again and again until recently, almost 2 years ago he realised it wasn't worth it.

When I started secondary school, I went to a school slightly out of my area. I was the only boy from my area there and it was full of boys from 3 different areas. So I got the shit beat out of me nearly every day for 2 years by roughly around 50-60 boys who were roughly 4 years older than me, and when you're 11/12, 4 years is a big difference.

Until one day when my Gran whom I loved dearly was dying with cancer and I had just had enough of the bullying, I took a hammer into school and put 6 boys in hospital. From there on I started acting like scum although I never realised it at the time, I started "repping" where I was from, running around with the young team fighting with other gangs, seeing both friends and "enemies" get stabbed and wasted, sometimes you would get the occasional murder, although at the time it was the older boys that happened with.

So being bigger than most of my so called friends at the age of 13-14, and being a naturaly good fighter, I basicly became the Alpha male and I continued with the fighting until i was just over 16 and a lot more stuff happened in those years than anyone would care to know.

When I was just over 16 and a lot of my friends were going to jail and a few people had died around me, I realised this was never what I wanted in life, So I moved to London, to break myself away from the circle and it worked, I'm very glad I did, because I've recently moved back to Glasgow and most of my old friends are taking heroin and are in and out of jail constantly.

Now I'm not stupid as you may presume from that, I'm actualy a very intellectual person, I never really had any real schooling because of everything that went on around that time, I don't have any GCSEs and I've taught myself almost everything I know in the terms of literacy and application of number. I've also wrote a book on Greek Mythology.

Anyway, back to the point. I'm an Alpha male, Although I'm not as straight to the point violent anymore and I would rather talk something through first nowadays, but I can feel it inside me sometimes, I was never an Alpha male to begin with, I was a quiet, shy and timid little nerdy guy, and I'm letting that side of me show more now, I don' t feel the need to act of aggressive and cool anymore.

I've had this " cuckold " thing for a while now, although I don't have a girlfriend or such at the current moment. I don't understand it, I feel like I'm cursed and there's something wrong with me? Why do I enjoy girls comparing me to other people? Why do I always want to be smaller than them? I'm actualy above average aswell, I just don't understand it, I feel like I need to hear these things, that I'm small and "his" is way bigger and better than mine when I'm horny? After I'm done I usualy feel really sad inside and ashamed, I wish I had never done it but I can't undo it, then when I'm with a girl again and I'm horny, even though I hate it so much and wish it would go away, It comes out again, no problem, no hesitation and then afterwards I feel so ashamed inside again, It's like an unstoppable cycle? This is really driving me up the wall.

I was reading about the fear of intimacy and I'm like that, I've had an unrealistic number of official girlfriends yet my longest relationship is 5 weeks.

I don't know what else to say, I just feel terrible inside!

I'm not really expecting anyone to even read this let alone reply, but if you do take the time to read this, then thank you !


P.s. I've only just started reading about being a " cuckold " and I presume that's what I am/have got? although it says you would need a wife? I have no idea!

hortonpilot

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #16 on: June 23, 2010, 04:44:44 AM »
I will re-read your post tonight after work, it is really interesting.

I had a similiar life in some ways and reached the end of the road too, i then deceided to re-invent myself as there were still things i wanted to do in life.

i literally walked away from the bad things and there was some really good stuff i will never see again, like heaps of money and being an alpha male.

I don't tell anyone about my past and i am a very different person.

*One thing i did was look at women who were the opposite of what i had before .
from wild to dead-shit boring .
The lack of sexual partners in my life is something i miss.
Doing this changed my life and i keep real distance from people who might have interested me before.

i have been married 20 years with no outside dipping , i am not comfortable with this at times .
There is no action to speak of except in my head and it dives me mad sometimes .
But then there are no dramas and heartache.
There is no contact with my past at all and i have only a few photos as evidence, can't bring myself to burn them.

I used to like my life to be where one felt that one was plugged into 240volts mains power!

At times the only way i make sense of it is to say i am alive now, where as it is likely that i would not be otherwise.

Let me think?

Horton

lavalamp

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #17 on: July 07, 2010, 11:21:08 PM »
hi everyone,

i write from the perspective of the live-in girlfriend of a "cuckold". i searched online to see what came up from a more scientific perspective, rather than the fetish sites as someone else pointed out. i found the scientific article posted by carlforu2 interesting. i haven't find much else yet on google scholar though. first off, i am very happy in my relationship, i'm just very curious about where his interests might come from and yeah, i hope it doesn't spell any trouble in the long run. we're in our early thirties, professionals, city-types with lots of friends (some of whom know about our arrangement). my boyfriend "matt" used to get jealous when he first heard of my sexual past. he had a problem with the fact that i had sex sometimes purely for the enjoyment of it, rather than for love or acceptance or validation or whatever other number of reasons people have sex. i have it for those reasons too of course, but not always. when we'd talk about it he'd get upset asking me how i could do that and not feel demeaned if the guy i was with didn't care about me or love me. then he'd apologize, say he just had a hard time understanding, but would try. keep in mind, i was totally faithful to him. when he'd try to explain his perspective, he would speak of a rough childhood: divorced parents, a loving, but irresponsible mother, a dad who was often violent (not very often against him, but more with his step mother, his perspective is that you just kick someone's ass to get respect). matt spent much of his high school years in foster and group homes. bottom line? he had trouble trusting people. i had a relatively easy, loving childhood and i guess i trust a lot of people. anyway, he explained that he was just looking for a loving committed relationship, a life partner. after getting his heart broken from a girl in high school/college, he decided for a period of time in his 20s to be a player, "since that's what girls are attracted to anyway". he thought he'd get more action if he was an asshole and guess what? it worked! but after awhile he got depressed and didn't want to do that anymore. briefly on matt's personality: he's a bit introverted, very analytical and smart, an independent thinker, sensitive (he's a vegan for ethical reasons), yet loves watching ultimate fighting. he's extremely giving outside the bedroom too and respectful to women, yet he will stand his ground i'm ever a pain in the ass. he's tall and lean and very cute. he's straight (not bi). he definitely values intellectualism but also, interestingly, if i say i like an actor who looks a bit "feminine" (say, johnny depp) he doesn't get it at all, but if i say i like clive owen for example he does "yeah, i agree with you there. he's much more manly, he has that square-jaw". :) this is to say, he definitely respects and admires strong males. and he's not submissive to me. even in the bedroom, fortunately for me as being with a submissive guy doesn't turn me on, although i realize it does others (no judgement!).

anyway, one night when we were tipsy during sex he whispered in my ear "you can do whatever you want you know. i know i won't be the last person you're with and you won't be mine". the thought turned me on (more about thinking that i could be with others, not him, and by the fact that he was opening up in this way and not being so rigid about sex). in the morning i thought he'd chalk it up to being drunk and not serious, but no, he said he meant what he said. in one night, a complete 180! so, a short time later i hooked up with a couple other guys, including a couple exes and he was thrilled! our sex life got even better. he was totally turned on by it. he loves thinking about me with other people as long as i always come back to him. he's also ok with me having a regular boyfriend who i see several times a week, and not just for sex. also, to put a spin on our situation, we've tried the swingers scene as well. so far he's just hooked up with his best friend's girlfriend and me with his best friend (they opened up their relationship around the time we did). i still meet with his friend, but also, on occasion with others. i know he would also like to be with more women, but i'm not ready for that yet (the one time was an exception as i didn't find his friend's girlfriend threatening). so you see, it's not purely a cuckold thing. i think there's a degree of variation with this sexual interest/fetish/hobby :) he says there's no pressure to reciprocate and allow him to be with other women. that he realizes that this is more his thing than mine. in fact, i know i would hook up with people a lot less if it didn't turn him on so much. when i've expressed concern over us relying on this too much, he says he can always revert to a traditional relationship if i'm ever uncomfortable. he does say that he wants to continue this after we're married. he loves the idea of me being someone else's play thing so there is some demeaning aspect for me as well i guess. conversely, he says he loves the idea of me "going after what i want". he finds my sexual confidence very attractive. i think there's an aspect of his liking to feel in competition with someone else and being reminded that i'm attractive to other men. finally, more recently, a more traditional cuckold dynamic has come to light where during sex, he's asked me if i like other guy's cocks more than his (if they're bigger, feel better, etc). he said it would turn him on and drive him crazy if i did. but honestly? so far, i love his the best! sex with love is always better i think. i guess what i'm enjoying about this situation is that i get a tender, loving, committed relationship and hot naughty sex as well.

i guess i'm just interested in the perspective of other men like him and the women they are with. i guess if i have a concern at all, it would be a slight worry that this will spiral out of control. we've been doing this for 6 months in our 1.5 year relationship. out of control for me would mean that he keeps upping the ante (ie. wants me to get pregnant with someone else - someone mentioned that here), or that he won't be happy if i ever decide that i just want to be with him. he assures me that being with me is more important than this sexual fetish (he describes it as a fun addition to our sex life) and that he'd never choose that over being happily married to me. he's an extremely honest person so i want to believe that 100%...any thoughts?

wittoled

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #18 on: July 09, 2010, 12:38:00 AM »
Greetings everyone,

First of all, I had no idea that I wanted to be cuckolded until the night my wife and I decided to discover what a MFM 3some would be like.  We were in our forties, married for nearly 20 years, and looking for a way to spice up our sex life.  She was very uncomfortable with sharing me, and I wasn't uncomfortable sharing her.  To me sex was just sex unless practiced in a loving relationship, otherwise it was just fun, although I never cheated on my wife, primarily because she didn't agree with me and secondarily because I didn't want to become entangled in an unwanted relationship.

Anyway, I was never more SHOCKED in my life than  the instant the 3 of us climbed into bed, so much so in fact that I'm fairly certain I actually went into mild shock, although neither my wife nor our guest was aware of it until months later when I finally found the courage to tell them.  Now I'm in my 60s so I've had more than a decade to ponder what I now believe are the major events that contributed to the incredible transformation that occurred in my awareness beginning that night, and how my life has probably been affected since then.

The MAJOR events, in chronological order: 

1 - The moment we climbed into bed was the first time I saw his penis.  It was enormous, so large in fact that when he eventually penetrated my wife I hadn't even considered the possibility that she would be able to take it all, even though I noticed that the smile on my wife's face looked anything but fearful.  It was the first time in my life that I was consciously aware that I admired a penis, which was extremely frightening/embarrassing because I was immediately confronted with wondering if I was gay, which was just not an option for me.  Before we got into bed I felt like I was presenting my wife with a very special gift by allowing her to enjoy sleeping with a man she admitted she felt attracted to, and since he seemed like such a nice person, I was sort of proud of the fact that I loved her so much that I was so willing to lie next to her the entire time she was with him, in order to protect her and alleviate her concern that I might feel uncomfortable after all with her being with another man.  Not only was I comfortable with her being with him, but by the time he was about to penetrate her I wanted him to ^%#$ her so much that I doubt there was much of anything I wouldn't have done to make it happen.

2 - The instant he penetrated my wife (see 1).  Again, what appeared to me to be an expression of utter bliss on my wife's face immediately after he disappeared inside of her convinced me without a doubt that my initial nearly frantic concern for my wife's safety/comfort was totally unwarranted.  In fact it didn't take long before I realized that I would never be able to satisfy my wife in bed the way that he and other men like him could.  I was/am certain that I had never seen her nearly as aroused as she was the entire time time they repeatedly made love that night.  I had never deluded myself into thinking that I'm a great lover, but I guess I considered myself to be adequate.  No more.  It took me years to admit to myself that it wasn't just about the size of his penis.  It was about the fact that he wanted her sexually more than I was or had ever been capable of desiring any woman, and I now believe that what turns a woman on more than anything else is feeling desired (being taken), assuming that she likes and trusts the man enough to even consider the possibility of having sex with him.  Just my opinion.

Have to run.  I hope this post has contributed to this thread.  Any thoughts are welcome.

 

jenbelle13

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2010, 07:28:32 PM »
Hello everyone,
I'm hoping to get some insight because I'm feeling very conflicted and confused.

Much of what Lavalamp mentioned are very similar sentiments as I am going through as well.

My guy, who we've known each other for 15 years and have always had a very close bond even though we have been apart by distance this whole time. We've been together on several occasions but have been in different places in life at different times to make things work in the same zip code. When we first knew each other up until probably 5 years ago we never spoke of anyone we were dating or seeing or anything. It was almost like avoiding the fact that we both had lives that we were living outside of one another. We both felt from the very beginning a very true and unbreakable love towards one another.

There came a time when he asked me point blake about my past and sexual history. It was very difficult for both of us hearing of each others sexual history and relationships. I think it actually was hurting me more knowing how much if it was affecting him hearing it. I don't recall when the mention of him wanting me to be with others came about but he found extreme pleasure the more harsh I was with telling of the details when it would happen.

We've come to a cross road at this point where either we go fully into this and accept this life as ours or turn our backs. We've both decided that this life regardless is going to happen but I'm having such a difficult time understanding and putting it into perspective. I don't know why he would want this, besides the obvious turn on's, but the larger question for me is what is causing him to feel this way? I do worry that what if I can't give him the harsher side of things that he is wanting. He wants me being more degrading towards him but I don't have it in me to be mean in that way towards someone I love so dearly. Is being a cuckold something that is just inbedding in him and I need to quit questioning and trying to define why and just go with it? I know his large issue with me that he doesn't feel like I know what this is doing to him, which is correct. I have a very hard time putting myself in his shoes when I don't understand why he would want this when I love him so uncondionally even without this lifestyle.

He's a very private person and for the most part keeps to himself. He did go through a very wild stage of drinking, drugs and women but never a relationship that was extremely meaningful. He doesn't share much about his family, but what he has shared is everything I've pulled out of him over the years.  He recently revealed that he believes that his parents were swingers at one time. His dad's brother actually was involved with his mom beyond sexual relations. His dad and brother would force him to perform sexual acts for them in a very verbal degrading way. His parents are recently, within the last few years, sepereated and his father has some very young 20-something girl. He has very little contact with his father other then the ocassional phone call. His mother he speaks to on a regular bases and is somewhat close to. His brother went through a difficult phase of drugs and is now clean and living a productive life but doesn't have much contact with the family. His uncle lives a very open sexual lifesyle and has become my guys outlet for revealing more of his desires and finding out more about his family.

I hope this wasn't completely confusing! :) I have to believe that his up bringing of the family dynamics have something to do with him wanting to be cuckold. I just don't understand if it was such a dramatic and difficult time why he wouldn't rebel against it and never want to face that degrading life again? If anyone can shead some light on this I would greatly appreciate it!

Big Psych

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2010, 07:58:05 PM »
Do you watch a lot of porn?  Because new discoveries in porn addiction have linked porn addiciton to more bizzare tastes in sexuality.  See, when getting off to porn, the brain is flooded with dopamine.  Well, similiar to a coke addiction, eventually the brain needs more stimulation to get off, so many people who start with "regular" porn end up viewing tranny, granny, submission, cuckold, etc in order to get the same "high".  You see it a lot in people who viewed porn at younger ages. 

jenbelle13

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2010, 08:03:10 PM »
We look at porn but it's not a huge thing really. Kind of a take it or leave it type of thing. I can see what your saying and does make sense but don't think it has to do with porn.

Big Psych

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #22 on: July 14, 2010, 08:08:59 PM »
We look at porn but it's not a huge thing really. Kind of a take it or leave it type of thing. I can see what your saying and does make sense but don't think it has to do with porn.

No, no no.  Not how much porn do YALL look at.  How much does HE look at by himself?  Never assume that the porn he watches with you is anything more than the tip of the iceburg...


Also, I have a theory that the cause is evolutionary.  When a male feels threatened with losing his female, he subconsciously becomes more aroused in order to mate with her more often.  Kind of a competition brings out the best sort of scenario.  It make sense from and evolutionary perspective, but it's just theory at this point.

jenbelle13

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2010, 08:15:06 PM »
Well of course, he says, that porn doesn't do anything for him because it's about the mind set of what's happening and he doesn't care about other people. When I've sent pictures or what not of myself he's beside himself in awe.

I have to believe your theory on evolution but doesn't explain why he would want to push me to other guys. Wouldn't there be a fear of loosing me more because of it. He's wanting me not only sexually with others but is encouraging me to develop something more meaningful with them while he waits at home. That's the part that doesn't make sense to me when I would be happy having only him and why he does have these feelings.

Big Psych

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #24 on: July 14, 2010, 10:03:34 PM »
Well of course, he says, that porn doesn't do anything for him because it's about the mind set of what's happening and he doesn't care about other people. When I've sent pictures or what not of myself he's beside himself in awe.

I have to believe your theory on evolution but doesn't explain why he would want to push me to other guys. Wouldn't there be a fear of loosing me more because of it. He's wanting me not only sexually with others but is encouraging me to develop something more meaningful with them while he waits at home. That's the part that doesn't make sense to me when I would be happy having only him and why he does have these feelings.


You know, more and more I hear this same tale.  It's always the guy pushing and the girl resisting.  Considering females don't look at porn nearly as much as males, I'd say it's probably the addiction theory.  I get the strong feeling that he isn't being at all honest with you.  I mean "porn doesn't do anything for him because it's about the mind set of what's happening and he doesn't care about other people."?  That's a BS line if I've ever heard one. Virtually all males with healthy functioning brains get aroused by pornography.  Hell, even male turkeys have been shown to attempt to mate with crude representations of female turkeys.  Even when the body of said fake turkey was removed, they would try to mate with just the head.  Some even still went after the head with the beak and eyes were removed.  In a study of chimps, an microchip was implanted into a male and female chimp's brain, connected to the pleasure center.  They were each given a button that when pushed, actived the chip and thereby activated their pleasure center.  While the female used it sparringly and with moderation, the male chimp literally pushed the button until he died.  Such is the male species.

My assesment is that he's into some off color stuff sexually, driven by his porn addiction.  As with anything else, if you don't feel comfortable with it, by all means refuse.  Think enough of yourself to not be shared with anyone. 

wittoled

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #25 on: August 09, 2010, 01:04:25 AM »
It is impossible to think about reality.  If you believe that you either understand what I just said or believe that anyone could possibly understand what I just said, I know that you're wrong.  The reason reality is so elusive is that it is impossible to understand.   Aristotle once said/wrote something like "the only thing that I know is that i know nothing".  I like "the only thing that i know is that i understand nothing".  There are no answers, let alone right or wrong answers.  Only a tiny fraction of humans are fortunate enough to know that. 

Dr. X

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #26 on: August 22, 2010, 12:15:06 PM »
Hello everyone, I've registered on this forum for the sole purpose of adding my input to this discussion. I am a 27 year old man with an above average education, but I have thus far been unable to find an explanation for my cuckold fantasies, though certainly not for lack of trying. Like some of the men who posted before me, I too feel very disappointed with myself after I reach orgasm: the usual feelings of guilt start to kick in, along with the fear of the negative judgement of the people whose opinion I value.

I have no history of family-related problems. When I was a child I was greatly scared by the possibility of running into some disfiguring accident, or catching some deformity-inducing disease that would cause my parents to stop loving me. It may be worth mentioning that I recall fantasizing about being castrated: these disturbing fantasies occured when I was about six, then resurfaced when I was eighteen (which coincided with the most difficult time of my life) but had somehow faded away by the time I turned 20 (at which point my life had noticeably improved due to external factors).

From what I've gathered, I appear to the world as a harsh, uncompromising, rather eccentric loner, all work and no play. I'm the arrogant, annoying moralist who expects people to do the right thing no matter what. I'm pretty much the nazi. To my own self, I appear as an unwilling idealist. According to the Myers-Briggs test, I'm an INTJ.

During my early adolescence I had no luck with the opposite sex, and this led to feelings of inadequacy: I felt inferior to my peers, because they had girlfriends while I had never even kissed a girl. It was maybe for this reason, or perhaps simply out of youthful naiveté, that I reached the age of seventeen with the solid certainty that people did not engage in sexual activities unless they were either married or deeply in love with each other. It wasn't really a belief, it was something I took for granted, much in the same way as you expect a rock to move downwards if you let it drop. Then I finally found a girlfriend, let's call her Sue, who I fell madly in love with, though looking back on it now, I can see it was more worship than love. In my eyes she was perfect in every possible sense, an angel to be praised and cared for, and not a day would go by without me dreaming of our future together. Then one night she went clubbing with a friend, got drunk and gave some random, unnamed guy a blowjob. Needless to say, I was left a wreck. I began cutting myself, attempted suicide twice, first with painkillers then with sleeping pills, I was sent to a psychiatrist and she put on prozac for some time. It took me years to recover, and of course I was never the same: I've since grown very cynical and bitter, though I have also developed a very harsh set of morals that I must live by.

I am not able to determine if that awful experience has somehow implanted these cuckold fantasies in my sexuality, or if they were there all along: I clearly remember masturbating repeatedly to an erotic story I'd found on the internet of a typical alpha man sharing his girlfriend with a number of college guys to show his complete control over her, a year or two before I even met Sue, but back then there wasn't a lot I couldn't masturbate over, so that may not be a significant piece of information. I also remember something I felt when she confessed her deed to me: among the cacophony of agony that went through my head in those moments, there was also a strange, morbid curiosity. I needed to know. The knowledge tore at my very heart, it was more pain than I'd ever imagined I could feel, but for some reason, part of me wanted to hear it all. I even went so far as to ask her if she'd swallowed, to which she replied "I'm not sure but I think I spat", which indirectly gave me the knowledge that he had indeed ejaculated in her mouth, something I'd never done myself.

Anyway, like I said, my life has improved considerably since then, I've grown stronger and wiser, and I have become involved with other girls. I was about 22 when I began fantasizing about my girlfriend having sex with other guys. When I told her about it she was understanding and willing to try, but I never had the courage to actually go through with it. I've since shared this fantasy with two other girlfriends, including my current one, but again, something's always kept me from taking it from fantasy to reality.

I've spent a lot of time and effort trying to understand this deviation. It's worth noting that, contrarily to what is commonly found on cuckolding websites, none of my fantasies involve domination and/or humiliation. In fact, my ideal experience would be one where mutual respect with her lover/s would be felt at all times. I also have no desire whatsoever for "interracial" sex, which seems to be a dominant theme amongst the people who share this fetish. I should also mention now that I have some bisexual tendencies: I feel ok with those urges, but I've never acted upon them for fear of "getting caught", which would cause a lot of unnecessary friction with friends and family, not to mention the rest of the homophobic society I live in. My hidden bisexual thoughts have naturally merged well with my cuckolding desires, resulting in very powerful fantasies of shared lovers and, specifically, of feeling and tasting another man's (or men's) semen on the body and mouth of my woman (sorry to be so descriptive, I thought it was worth mentioning because it could be linked to my experience with Sue). Up to this point, I've come up with several possible explanations for this fetish:


1. Seeing or imagining my girlfriend with another man may be a way for me to stop being The Man, to give myself a short break from my own self imposed standards of morality, productivity, self-reliance and general masculinity, and let someone else - her lover - take that burden for a while.

2. It could be a way to let the other man take the risk of being let down instead of me.

3. It could be an outlet for my accepted but never acted upon bisexual tendencies.

4. Grass is always greener on the other side: seeing her as another man's sexual partner could make her look more desirable.

5. Going back to my early castration fantasies: it could be a way of identifying myself with her, thus "becoming a woman".

6. The obvious one: it could be a way to eroticise, and thus exorcise, my teenage trauma.


All explanations sound reasonable, yet none sound exhaustive. I have this annoying feeling that the true, final explanation that would encompass everything that I've just written is lying elusively just a whisker away from my mental grasp, and that whenever I seem to be getting closer to it, some invisible barrier gets in the way. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this: I hope my input and your replies will be of some help for everyone here, myself included.

Lastly: having read lavalamp's post, I have to say I've found some truly striking similarities between her boyfriend and myself, and what she describes is pretty much my ideal relationship. So far in this thread we have two "independent thinkers" and a 19 year old writer. I wonder if that could mean something.

Fearless

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #27 on: October 03, 2010, 08:01:52 PM »
Ok, guys and girls... I'm glad that you all have shared your experiences, and helped yourselves and others to shed some light on this subject. It has made it easier for me to get a perspective on the subject by hearing someone else talk about it and for once be able to have the perspective of a "listener" or an observer. I registered solely to post a reply. Hoping that my reply will contribute to shedding even more light on the subject for myself and hopefully also You.

First Some Background Info
I am 28 years old. I grew up mostly with my mother. My father was very dominating and violent, so my mother left him when I was very young. I have three brothers. I am next youngest. My oldest brother took the role of being more dominating and responsible, the second brother became the black sheep who always broke things and his sole mission was to tease me and make me cry every day. My younger brother became my moms favorite, obviously. I guess I felt I never could compete with him in getting her attention. But I took the role of secretly listening to my moms interests, often in regards of spiritualism and stuff like that, and adopting them as my own. I guess we all developed these strategies to get our share of her attention. My experience was that she had very loose control over us and many times I wondered if she cared.

Porn
I started looking at porn at around the age of 13. Starting out with lesbian softporn. I remember fantasizing about pleasing a woman, and I knew I would LOVE to lick pussy long before I had even done it. I was never much into anal. Except for licking it though. Later on I got bored with soft porn and started watching "normal porn". Guys fucking girls. But I think I watched it amazed of how they could degrade a girl the way I couldn't. The first time I found femdom I was shocked. Now I've been watching mostly cuckolding and femdom humiliation.

Characteristics
I'm not a macho guy. But I'm not feminine either. I'm kind of in between. I'm naturally semi-athletic but slim. meaning I don't have to work out to have a good body. I'm very social and have good confidence. Or atleast I'm good at acting like it. I'm good looking and it's easy for me to attract girls without having to do much myself. I'm the guy within my friends sphere who has had most girls. When me and my friends go out clubbing I'm always there up front at the trendy places, taking it for granted that the club owners will let me (with my friends standing a few steps behind me) in at the club before the line and for free. I don't have a large penis, but it's not small either. It's medium sized. Girls usually tell me I'm good in bed. It is funny that when me and two of my more "socially submissive" friends compare our sexualities - they practically want to rape or destroy the girl - and they can never in their wildest imagination understand how I can want to be humiliated by a girl.

Girlfriends
My first girlfriend was when I was 18. She had to pursue me for a while before I gave in. But when I fell for her, I fell deeply. I remember already then painting up some fantasy of her being fucked by another guy. When she left for a weeks holiday I became so insecure. Over sms, asking her if there were any good looking guys where she was, and telling her that there was some cute girls where I was, and we started competing in making each other jealous. Which led to the break-up. Even though I know we both loved each other. I think even to this day she holds me quite high on her list, even though I'm not interested anymore. My second love was even harder. I fell really deep. But since we lived in different cities the insecurity was there and we played alot of games with each other. When she was going away to spain for three months I feared that she would end up with a good looking spanish guy, so to protect me from that, I decided that it was better if I was to be "unfraithful" before her. So I fucked another girl, and skillfully let the information slip to her friends, who obviously told her. I masturbated, thinking that she was getting gang banged by several spanish guys. I still loved her though, and regretted my behavior. So I went to spain to see her. Where I acted as nothing had happened, and... she broke up with me. My third deep love was a girl who picked me up at a club for a one-night stand. After our night together she proposed that we could be "Fuck buddies". Such a relief was brought upon me. I suggested that we could have a threesome with another guy, but she wasn't into that. But after a while I started thinking. "Why does she only want me for sex? Doesn't she like me for who I am?" But I though "Well, if you try to catch a bird in a cage they wont sing" and I told her about my thoughts. Upon where she replied "Well if you hold to loosely in a bird they might fly away..". Needless to say, I kept holding her to loose and she... flew away...
During many years I had many one-night stands. I'm not sure how I succeeded since I'm not the typical "dominant" guy who picks up girls. Somehow they just came to me. And many times I think I went home with girls that "chose me". I was not really the active one and "the one who chose". But usually I would just lick their pussy, wanting them to be pleased, and I never enjoyed when they wanted to give back to me. Usually if they wanted to see me again I would just not answer their sms.
The last girl I was with almost gave me some "hope". Already the first day we seemed like a good match. we started talking about sexual fantasies and I gave hints that I wanted to get humiliated. She said that it didn't turn her on to do it, but that she could do it to turn the guy on. So, the next day she went with another guy, which actually shocked me, cuz for me it was still at a fantasy stage, but reality made me very jealous and insecure. But I managed to win her back and I got her to spit on my face and almost to pee on me. We got separated by distance for a while but kept contact over mail, and started to fall in love, but our insecurities started playing in. I really wanted to hear about her "sexual adventures". But she didn't really pursue anything, saying that she probably would only get disappointed comparing how she had experienced being with me. She on the other hand didn't want to hear about my romances. I on my side went with four girls during the time we were apart. When we met again after three months we hooked up again. She seemed to want me to live with her, but I kept alittle distance. I kept talking about my fantasies of her being with another guy and one night when I left her out partying cuz I was tired I went home to sleep. I woke up the next morning. She hadn't come home. When she finally came in the morning she was crying. Telling me she had "cheated" on me. I was shocked... and I left her for a week, during which she was sending me messages that she felt like shit about how she had treated me. We met and talked and I said it was ok, since it was one of my fantasies actually, but I was just disappointed that she didn't check with me before doing it, to make me more involved. But she started thinking that maybe I wasn't in love with her since I wanted her to be with another guy. At a later point she was going out with her friends, and i said I was tired and wanted to stay home, and we started talking about how it would be if she brought home a guy, having sex in the sofa while I was sleeping. But at that point, I actually said, "Well, you know what - you Are free to do it if it's what You really want. But don't feel that you have to do it for my sake. Because I'm just tired and I don't think I will be turned on by it." upon where she replied "But I don't want to be with another guy. And I want you not to want me to!". And so she came home to my bed that night and whispered (maybe not thinking that I heard) that she loved me.. Unfortunately i screwed things up in this relation to though... I still didn't move in with her and many times when she wanted to meet i preferred working. kept my distance, even watching cuckold porn sometimes rather than being with her... Until she broke up with me and met another guy that she fell in love with after only a couple of days. This was a couple of weeks ago and That's when i started realizing how much I loved her... and now I miss her! Now I have been masturbating thinking about her with her new guy... But I'm not happy with this. i've seen enough of my patterns now and am ready to make changes. That's why i started searching on this and found this forum.

Conclusion

Reading all of Your posts and writing my own makes me think that the common traits are that it's actually the Guy who is trying to Convince the girl to do it, and I see the common root cause seems to be Fear. Jealousy which is actually a Fear of loosing someone. Fear of being left. Fear of being betrayed.

I'm gonna quote some earlier posts:

Quote
@carlforu2 wrote:
All through highschool dating I was obsessed with "losing my girl"  I was and have been extremely Jealous.... until I discovered that I could turn the pain into an orgasm.
If I try to put the thoughts of my wife having sex with somebody else away.... i instantly become Jealous.

Quote
@captphredd wrote:
This is my second marriage and it was a deal breaker with me if she did not want to sleep with other men before and after we got married, something she found hard to believe at first

Quote
@ToUnderstand wrote:
her feelings for me increased dramatically but I remained extremely untrusting.  I’d hate to be classed as insecure, or to be accused of being controlling over her, but it was the case that I hated her going out with her friends, or doing anything that could allow for flirting etc.

Quote
@Zepher08 wrote:
Fear of intimacy & fear of engulfment. People do all sorts of things to create distance from making contact on a truly intimate nature. I think this is one method."
Out of decency I refrained from making any demands, but it was clear that I didn’t trust her at all

Quote
@mike wrote:
When in my teens I was always a very jealous possesive person regarding girlfriends and I had difficulty in trusting people.
...
It took a lot of convincing her to do it to me, but we started cuckolding a number of years ago and are still involved in that lifestyle.

Quote
@Ryan wrote:
I was reading about the fear of intimacy and I'm like that, I've had an unrealistic number of official girlfriends yet my longest relationship is 5 weeks.

Quote
@lavalamp wrote:
my boyfriend "matt" used to get jealous when he first heard of my sexual past. he had a problem with the fact that i had sex sometimes purely for the enjoyment of it,
...
he realizes that this is more his thing than mine. in fact, i know i would hook up with people a lot less if it didn't turn him on so much.
...
he's asked me if i like other guy's cocks more than his (if they're bigger, feel better, etc). he said it would turn him on and drive him crazy if i did. but honestly? so far, i love his the best!
...
i guess if i have a concern at all, it would be a slight worry that this will spiral out of control. ... out of control for me would mean that he keeps upping the ante (ie. wants me to get pregnant with someone else - someone mentioned that here), or that he won't be happy if i ever decide that i just want to be with him.

Quote
@jenbelle13 wrote:
It was very difficult for both of us hearing of each others sexual history and relationships.
...
He wants me being more degrading towards him but I don't have it in me to be mean in that way towards someone I love so dearly.

Quote
@Big Psych wrote:
You know, more and more I hear this same tale.  It's always the guy pushing and the girl resisting.

Quote
@Dr. X wrote:
Then one night she went clubbing with a friend, got drunk and gave some random, unnamed guy a blowjob. Needless to say, I was left a wreck. I began cutting myself, attempted suicide twice, first with painkillers then with sleeping pills, I was sent to a psychiatrist and she put on prozac for some time. It took me years to recover, and of course I was never the same: I've since grown very cynical and bitter, though I have also developed a very harsh set of morals that I must live by.

I am not able to determine if that awful experience has somehow implanted these cuckold fantasies in my sexuality,

Ok, I don't know about You guys. You'll have to draw your own conclusions. And I'm not claiming that what I'm saying is some general truth. But to me it seems very clear now.
I don't care how much we keep saying that we get turned on by our girlfriend being with someone else or how much we think that we are beyond jealousy. To me this sounds quite the opposite. To me it sounds like we in fact ARE jealous and that actually the last thing we want is for the person we hold dear would choose to be with someone else. But we're so afraid to express what we really feel and want. Because we don't want to sound weak. Knowing that it is beyond our control. And our way of controlling our fear is to realize it willingly before it gets realized in a way that is out of our control. It's like running a race, knowing well that you might lose, you choose to give up and lose willingly rather than take the shame of having tried to go for first place and not win.

I mean, this is the same fear and same desire for control that would turn a man into a dominant control freak. Trying to impose his power over the girl not to talk to others. Covering herself up. Checking her every move and her phonebook. But seeing as how this would take too much energy and would be impossible in the long run we have chosen another strategy. To set her free. Even encouraging her to do the things we fear. That gives a false sense of control. In a way we're afraid of letting her be just free. To have her own will. Maybe she wants to be with YOU? Maybe she'll want someone else at a later point. But that's up to her. To admit your fears and state your wants, even though it's out of your control and risk to get hurt.

Our Ego finds it so hard to believe that she has had men penetrating her before. And that she probably enjoyed it. That we're not the Only man in the world that can satisfy women just by our mere presence in their life. It is hard to believe. But I suggest to Man up to the competition and make some effort. Be brave enough to tell her what you Really want and compete to win her heart instead of just giving her away to someone else pretending as if it was what you wanted.

Quit using these defense mechanisms. Drop the armour, your shield and your sword. Be true to your self and Dare to state what You want, your fears and expose your past wounds. At least to your self.
Instead of saying: "I get turned on by girls cheating on me." Or "I want my girlfriend to cheat on me." Tell the truth.
"I want my girl friend to love me and to respect my feelings. But I scare myself because I've been hurt before and I imagine that it will happen again." or "I want to be able to trust a girl and want to ask her to be mine and to respect that i would get terribly hurt if she would go behind my back - but I feel weak saying that - and I scare myself imagining that she will not respect me."
You despise that weakness don't you? You think the girl won't respect you if you tell her the truth? Well do you think she'll respect you more if you let her be with another man?
If she's a mature girl she wont cut you like you've been cut before. She will heal your wounds. If she was just in it to hurt you because she is hurting in herself, she will fade away and find someone on the same level who she can hurt and get hurt by. Whenever you start feeling fear, Do some work out, go for a run, play music or something creative. Buy a flower representing yourself and your relations and water it everyday. Stop cutting yourself or asking others to hurt you. Ask them to hug you.

These are my advice to myself, and whomever feels something clicked.
If it isn't helpful to you, don't bother about it - there's nothing that you Have to do. Only what you feel is of help to you.

Respect yourself!
cheers!

Fearless

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #28 on: October 03, 2010, 10:44:16 PM »
oh, and one last thing! don't forget to Meditate!
Instead of immediately trying to "stop" something, it's always much better to Start something...
it helps to clear out any old repressions! and helps to not create any New repressions.

as far as I am concerned, this "fetish" is just a repressed fear (or desire) that has been repressed from the conscious mind for so long that it has turned into a perversion that's preventing both the man and woman in the relationship to feel any real intimacy or security...

Outsider

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Re: Psychology of a cuckold
« Reply #29 on: October 05, 2010, 10:50:23 PM »
I've read that fetishes of all kinds come from conditioning; although Eysenck's work is pretty old, he found that introverts and neurotics were most prone to accepting conditioning like this, and that fantasizing during masturbation caused the fetish to form. Mind you, it's been a while since I read that, and much longer since the research was completed, but it at least sounds plausible.

 

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