Realizing you are not able to lead a life

[guy]

I am 25 now and at some point in the last 5 years I had to face the truth about myself...which is...I will never be able to lead the life I want to live...a normal life...wife, kids, stable job. Looking back at my life I don't even know where to start about what's wrong with me. Anyway...I'll just start...I am the youngest in my family. I have an older sister who's 2 years older than me. A housewife as a mother and a diplomat as a father. Which means...since I can remember we've been travelling from country to country. Every 4 years. I was born in Riad/Saudi Arabia...and we moved around the middle east...Kairo,Jeddah...I can't really remember my childhood in depth. When I try, it's like going through a bucket filled with photos of places and people, picking one of them up and staring at it almost emotionless. At age 11, or 12, don't really know we moved to Singapore. At which point I started distancing myself from my family...My older sister was recently diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, naturally I started reading everything about it and finally my sister's bizarre behaviour throughout my life with her at home made sense. Not just hers, my father's and my mother's aswell. I didnt know the scope of how screwed up they really are, but as I said...I started distancing myself early, thinking something's wrong with them. Anybody who grew up with narcissists will know, that describing what they do is nearly impossible. It just goes into the very core of your soul and you kind of can't believe it...or want to believe it. Here are just a couple of examples...my older sister hates me. Always has...at age 13 she started telling everybody stories about me...I didnt know at the time, but realized later...because...at every school we went to, the people in her class would also hate me and have no problem bullying me. I don't know what she told them, but apparently the stories were enough for people to hate me. Completely fabricated stories, as all I did was sit in my room and play computergames at that age. I was a small kid and got bullied in my class anyway, so I liked being alone. It's not like I had a choice, because my mother would basically keep us in the house like pets and cripple any effort to change this situation by me and my older sister. Any time we would want to do something...let's say...go to the city with a couple of friends, my mother would freak out, as if we were going to the moon. Something she always did, was ask if friends were going to be with us, until we said yes, then she'd calm down...indirectly implying, you're too stupid to even ride the bus, better have friends around who know how to do it. Or, when we were at some beach resort I couldn't get into the water to snorkle, cause she'd tell me it's way too dangerous. What my mother did was basically instill: Fear, guilt and self-doubt. Unbelievable amounts of it, all under the guise of " caring " .
My father...one thing me and my sister have in common is, we both get disgusted at the thought of our father hugging/touching us. Once again...anybody who lived with a narcissist will understand. My father is just...creepy. Everything is not...real...there's no emotion behind everything he does, except when it comes to stuff like this...Once we vacationed in the mountains somewhere, once again, me and my sister being dragged along as pets. He wanted to go hike, which is fine. But...he chose the route suited for experts. There are varying degrees of this hiking routes...on a route for experts there are actual places where you could fall and die. Which we had to experience on the very first turn. This was a slantwise sandy path of about a meter on the side of the mountain with a steel rope attached to it. You could look down the side of the mountain, going down about 500 meters or whatever. Me and my sister were pretty young at the time and needless to say were scared shitless, my mother aswell, cause there was an actual danger of slipping and falling to your death. My father was shuffling along infront of me and I could hear him trying to suppress authentic laughter as he was telling us to hold on tight to the rope. You believe that?...neither can I. In our daily lives he treated us like people not worthy of his time. Always defensive, like we did something to him at some point in our lives...always sarcastic, but not funny sarcastic, toxic sarcastic...well you know...all the typical behaviour of a narcissist. So...anyway...Singapore, after that we went to Lagos/ Africa...where I saw real suffering and thought to myself...never pity yourself...so I ignored most of the things I had to endure with my family. Basically being treated like a pet, as I said and not as a human. Having to make friends every 4 years, who were my only escape from the freaking narc swamp at home and then loose them again after 4 years. Adapt to the new surroundings, which I liked...not the being the new guy in class thing, but seeing new countries etc...that I liked...mostly I distracted myself to ignore the pain, that came from somewhere I couldn't quite put my finger on. As is the case if a narc has successfully blinded you...anyway...one day I graduated...which is kind of amazing to me, cause by the time I was 17, or something I was already depressed and goal-less...but I was so desperate for my father to once in my life acknowledge anything I'd done, so yeah...graduated...went to Germany, to live in the town near my sister who I thought had changed, cause of years of therapy but hadn't. Started studying, but broke it off...moved to Berlin where my father has a house. Lived in that house all alone...I have friends in Berlin, but they already live their life. I was too emberassed to let them see me like this. My sister came and visited me for a week at one point and secretly called a mental hospital, claiming I tried to commit suicide, which I didnt... fully knowing I would be taken away, cause it's the precedure for people who are suicidal here...They arrived the next day and I had to go with them...my sister having a weird smile on her face...and...that was the point where I just gave up completely...The fact of having an older sister who would do something like this to anyone, let alone her own younger brother...Yeah...There is much more to it...for example...a younger sister who is 10 years younger than me and wanting to protect her from my parents...the love of my life in Spain which I'll never see now.

I am literally...like...a scrambled egg walking around. My life almost seems like a parody of a life.
...even if I tried I wouldn't be able to " get a life ". I get scared of doing something wrong doing something completely trivial, like getting on a bus...I am terrified of people, cause I grew up with 3 people who are absolutely vile...people who are nice to you, so you'll open up, just so they'll have more fun sticking the knife into you, cause they know it will hurt more.

I don't know anymore...                           

[sakoz]

guy; You had a very unfortunate upbringing,life experience.  Some children grow up in gettos, impoverished, mistreated, etc. Some grow up 'losers', criminals, etc.
But some. 'rise above' those experiences; they show a resillence and  are 'normal' adults.  'Beliefs' made the difference between the two groups of getto and unforntunate upbringing.
I would like to help you; here's what I got.- Are you keeping the past alive in the present by thinking about it; contaminating the present?
At the age of five, you probably believed Santa Clause was real. By the age of ten you probably stopped believing that myth. You still remember the image but you don't believe it's real anymore.
Another example to help neutralize images. Suppose you go to a movie theater (before television). You watch the movie, it looks real, you laugh, you cry, or other emotions.
After the movie is over, your allowed to go to the projection booth. The projectionist rewinds the film and hands you the reel. You see that the images on the celluloid film are not moving. The images on the reel are not real.
Out involuntary (amygdala) reacts to images the way it reacts to perceptions from/of environment, it can't tell the difference. So our mental images are like the movie.
This may seem complicated, but you 'did' neutralize your image of Santa Clause and the boogyman or monster you 'believed' was real at the time.
This is the only proof I can give you here; you can do the same to any and all images likewise. (neutralize the emotional charge).

[S. Earl Martin]

Hey guy, I understand where you are coming from. I can relate to a lot because I have had similar experiences growing up. My father was military and we moved about every 4 years on average. My family was disfunctional. Very self oriented. It is hard not to repeat the same mistakes.

I know it may not seem like it, but there is hope. I hit rock bottom in my life several times. I have attempted suicide, but it isn't worth it. Take stock of your life. There is always a way to acheive your goals. You sound like you are intellgent and are self aware. That is good. Determine what you want in life. Take it a little at a time. You have learned that your family is not trust worthy. This is unfortunate. If you are still in the mental facility. Do what you have to to make them aware of your situation. Most places that treat people have the patients best interests at heart. This could be an opportunity to get counseling. Try and use whatever resources you have at your disposal. If you are out do not seek revenge on you sister. It would be a waste of time. Try and stay positive. Set meaningful goals and work toward them. I had a number of experiences that made me feel like you do. I thought after I found out my fiance was cheating on me I would never find a woman I could marry etc. I was 26 and thought it would never happen. Then out of the blue I meet my wife of 21 years. So it can happen.

Something I don't understand? You state you are the youngest child, but then at the end you say something about a younger sister 10 years younger? If you have your sisters address? And you think she is trustworthy you could still write her? Rebuilding your life is a real pain. I know I have done it several times, but it can be an opportunity. I have learned some of my best lessons when the stuff hit the fan. If you are a US citizen and are in Germany. There are women there who want to marry US citizens. Just a thought, but it is an option. I know because my parants kept sending me pictures of women they meet when they where there. I am praying for you. Peace and blessings. 

[sakoz]

guy; are you using your past experience as your credentials to living now? ( a overly used common practice).
Is english your second language? Think of your past experience as training for living, analogous to learning your first language. But that 'training' is not useful  as is english is not useful in some countries.So learn to think alternative thoughts about the present rather,than use thoughts from/about the past. How can the past 'live' in the present? Only via thoughts.
Are you in touch with your family? Even if you were on  the other side of the earth, or if they were all dead; you would still carry IMAGES of them, and your amygdala would continue to react to your IMAGES of them, even though none of them are present.  ( Are you familar with the saying;"Can't see the forest for the trees?")