recurring dreams about the boy I had crush on long ago

[chueh]

I had a crush on this boy from the same junior high school. I have never seen him again after the junior high. I had two boyfriends before I got married the first time. Then, divorced, I am married the second time. Ever since the day I went to senior high school until now, I have dreamed about him so often. It almost makes me feel guilty about it, because I still had dreams about him when I was and am married.

Past is passed, and it was not like I had a great impact of dating this boy. As a matter of fact, we had never dated or even talked. Why is it coming back to me again and again? What's my subconsciousness trying to tell me?

Thanks

[SWM]

can you give more information about the dream, about the boy or about the crush, and what you think about the dream yourself.

[seekinghga]

This sounds like a case of the "what ifs".  Being in such a prolonged state of uncertainty can have a profound effect on subconscious, as well as conscious, levels.  Even though you have obviously moved on with your life, you still have these feelings.  I would conjecture that this is related to this uncertainty more than the boy; him just acting as the 'embodiment' of the crux of the problem in your mind. 

Perhaps you are not 100% satisfied with your current state of affairs and a small part of you wonders "if I had gotten with that boy, what if...".  Of course, this is just a guess given the current data presented.  As SWM suggests, more information would be very helpful.

[chueh]

Thank you both for your replies.  What you said make sense.  I had never dared to speak with the boy, although all the junior years I had strong crush on him.  He just SEEMED so perfect.  I guess I had more crush on him, because I could never known about his imperfect sides like everyone of us.  I do have to confess that when I was falling in love with a boyfriend, I did not have the recurring dream about the boy.  He only popped up in my dream during the ok or disappointing periods with boyfriends or husbands.  I would keep dream about the boy, I assume, because of my feelings of not being loved enough, feeling a separate entity from my ex or current husbands, and unsatisfactory marriages.  Nevertheless, I don't understand why my subconsciousness is STILL SEEKING a perfect man or having the imprint of this boy as someone I am never to see again.  Even if I see him again, I am not going to do anything about it, because I REALIZED strongly that no man can make me happy (no offense to any male readers, but it's just how I feel).  I am VERY sure that I am done with romantic relationship.  I am not going to change anything for my current marriage now, but just let it be.  That's how strong my belief is now that I am not going into another romantic relationship whatsoever.

That's why I don't understand the contradictory between the reality and my subconsciousness.  I mean: what am I SEEKING?  Have I not had enough?  Why is this boy coming back so often, which surely disturbs my emotions.   

[chueh]

I have to add that I do NOT believe in long-lasting love anymore.  I used to think that my current husband and I were going to be have eternal love for each other, for we had had strong passion and strong emotional bonds to each other.  I believed that our love transcended beyond any phenomenon.  It turned out to be a more disappointment than any relationships I had before.  My heart for romance is dead.  Even if the boy was single, and I divorced my current husband and married this boy, it would just end up another disappointment too.  Thus, I don't look for, or expect any love, because my heart is totally dead.

[seekinghga]

I have to add that I do NOT believe in long-lasting love anymore.

My heart for romance is dead.

I don't look for, or expect any love, because my heart is totally dead.

Now the question is do these realizations bring you solace or are you unsatisfied with them as such?

[chueh]

both, but more unsatisfied with them than solace

[seekinghga]

If these thoughts are not bringing you peace of mind then I think you might be able to answer your earlier questions:

what am I SEEKING?  Have I not had enough?