Straight-ish boyfriend's gay past

[chi brown]

My boyfriend is 31 and has had about 5 or 6 serious girlfriends. He tells me that when he was with those women he wasn't interested in men. However, when he went a long time (6 mo-1yr) without sex he'd start to get restless and he'd  fantasize about men. His first physical experience with a male was when he was 15. He and an exchange student touched each others penis to climax. Other times he's allowed men to give him oral sex.

He says that this is all tied to him submissive tendencies. He also says that he's not interested in anal sex and that he only want to be with me. I asked if he want to be with me (he speaks of marriage often), to conceal his true gay self. He says that while he isn't 100% hetero he doesn't consider himself gay. What do you think. Is it possible to be only 10% gay. He says that he only wants to be with me and that if we sometimes tapped into his submissive side then we'll be fine.

Thoughts?

I really need help.

[SWM]

you doubt what he tells you, do you feel that he is not sincere in his love for you?

[Enigma]

Sexuality is a spectrum, it's not black and white. 

[Robs_ter]

I agree with enigma.  I'd like to think that I'm fairly educated on sexuality-related issues.  Nothing about what you described him saying sounds too outlandish or far-fetched.  Unless you specifically have any reason not to believe him.  If he is good to you and loyal and trustworthy in general, then I don't think you should need to sweat about his past homosexual experiences.  Admitting about that seems like it would be very difficult for a mostly hetero man to tell his girlfriend though.  He must trust you and care about you very much to have shared this with you.  So that is a good thing for you at least.

[slinkysally]

He says that this is all tied to him submissive tendencies. He also says that he's not interested in anal sex and that he only want to be with me. I asked if he want to be with me (he speaks of marriage often), to conceal his true gay self. He says that while he isn't 100% hetero he doesn't consider himself gay. What do you think. Is it possible to be only 10% gay. He says that he only wants to be with me and that if we sometimes tapped into his submissive side then we'll be fine.

Thoughts?

It seems he's being pretty straight-forward about it, even mentioning that, in having submissive aspects, he has certain needs that would have to be accommodated. That's definitely a good sign he's opened up to you and is being honest about where he's at.

I'm sure there's a lot of other things in the relationship that are based around mutual interest, where it's evident that he specifically wants to be with you because of how he feels about you. Take his word for who he is sexually, and even indulge in his sexuality with him. I'm sure the idea of seeing him fooling around with another man must excite you, as well as the idea of both of them pleasuring you. Even if you don't engage in it, fantasize about it together. And if you at some point feel secure in doing so together, then why not have some fun together?

[heitorbff]

The only person who can really know about his sexual orientation is he himself. I guess what we can say is that all gradations between heterosexual and homosexual do seem to exist, and that interests can shift through the years. Now what you feel towards what he told you is really up to you.

[ThatRayGuy71]

There is a spectrum of sexuality.  There are plenty of guys that have tried the gay sex.  Some have "converted" because of it.  The admission of a submissive side that he wants to have indulged sometimes is interesting.  What is this guy like day to day?

[HeyItsRyan]

I believe there's no such thing as a "gay male." Men CHOOSE to have sex with other men for the sole purpose of pleasure. This has been seen over many centuries. But even a man who calls himself homosexual will still have natural desires to mate with the opposite sex. Same goes for women.

The reason why your boyfriend has such an easy time fantasizing about sex with other men is because he's seeking sex solely for pleasure and he can relate to the sexual desires of men more easily.

Before you go judging your boyfriend and bow down to the social stigma that people can't have multiple partners, take this final thought, from a recent posting of mine, with you:

"All human beings are bi-sexual by nature. As any other species on this planet we possess a natural desire to procreate. Some accept that desire, some suppress it. Unlike (most) other species on this planet, being as we are complex and intelligent creatures, we also desire pleasure. Specifically the release of dopamine and serotonin within our brains that we achieve during orgasm while having sex. The desire to seek out this pleasure does not coincide with the natural desire to mate and reproduce. Both genders of our species, unless they suppress their desire, will seek out this pleasure from either gender, be it their own or their opposite. This should in no way be considered a "confusion" of this persons perception, or natural will, to preserve our species."

Basically... just forgive what he said, don't take it to heart. If it truly bothers you that he has sexual desires for other men while with you, then one can assume that you're more than likely pleasing him like his fellow males do. Don't over analyze the situation and don't make him uncomfortable about it.

The fact that he even told you to begin with is a very admirable quality in ANY person. If cheating is an issue with you, even with the opposite sex, then express that it's either you or no one. If he's honest enough to admit that he can't live a lifestyle like that, then you two need to peacefully move on and go your separate ways and you to find someone who is more in-tune with your thinking.