The Splinter in My Mind

[Vortex]

I know this is long but I consider most to be important background information for an informed diagnosis. I would appreciate any feedback but especially on:
1- if my conclusions are valid or not and your reasoning
2- potentially overlooked or undervalued symptoms
3- whether or not this could be used as a training tool for psych students

Feel free to ask any questions regardless of personal nature as I am comfortable disscussing any of it. Took me a long time to come to terms enough to openly discuss this.


The Splinter in my Mind
Or
Why am I the way I am?



The Early Years

 My earliest continuous memories are from around 9 years old, which was also the first time I attempted suicide. Most before that are only a few brief flashes lasting no more than maybe a minute and seperated by months or years. One brief memory from around 6 years old was wanting to kill myself but since there was a toy robot I saw on a commercial I didn't try since I would never get to play with it. I was raised in a poor broken family by a very abusive but religous mother. I've always had a very logical mind and would debate what I saw as logical flaws in her religion (and mine by default) which infuriated her.

 While i did well in science, i would usually daydream through all other classes. I always dreaded giong to school or anywhere in public due to my shame of our used clothing that never fit properly and were very out of date. My sisters and I were often ridiculed and most all other children would give  us that look of disdain that made me just want to be anywhere else than there. This developed into a general hatred of people although I was still very sensitive to the suffering of others and would always go out of my way to help someone in need.

 I remember trying to discuss things of a deeper philosophical nature with other children but rarely found anyone near my age that even considered such things. I recall always drifting off in thought on the meaning of life, why are we here, what happens when we die, do we wink out or is there something else, etc. Many children would say they thought i was in a trance which by that time i would rarely even bother with an explanation.

 My mother was a large husky woman of considerable strength who was capable of and had taken on men in physical fights on a couple of occasions. She had a bad temper and would fly into an abusive rage over what seemed like trivial things to me. I recall at around 10 years old, traveling with her and my two sisters in her new car that my absent father had given her. She loved that car and she didnt allow any eating, drinking or anything else that might make a mess. We stopped on the side of the road so my sister could relieve herself in the bushes. Unwittingly, my sister had stepped in mud on her way back to the car and tracked it into the car. My mother flew into a rage. She got out of the car and stomped around the front to get to the rear passenger side where my sister was sitting. My heart was pounding like a train as i squirmed in my seat terrified of what i knew was about to happen. I could see her arms flailing and her eyes were bulging all the while yelling somethng i couldn't make out. We were all crying in fear screaming "we're sorry, we're sorry".

 The door swung open and my sister was dragged screaming from the car. My mother beat her about the body and progressed to smacking her across the face and head. My other sister and I were pleading from the car for her to stop. She then grabbed the hood of her jacket on both sides near the ears. She proceeded then to smash her head into the long rear side window of the station wagon again and again screaming like a mad woman. At that moment I forgot about my fear and clawed my way out of the car. I ran around behind her and grabbed her arms and tried to pull her off of my sister or at least reduce the force of her arms on my sister. I kept yelling "stop, you're going to kill her". I guess she heard that as it seemed to snap her back to her senses and she stopped. We were pretty quiet the remainder of that trip. That is just one of many memories I try not to think of.

 At around 12 I again decided to commit suicide. Late at night I went to the kitchen and stuck my head in the oven. I don't recall if I did it right or not but after laying in the oven a short while, the reality of what was about to happen rushed upon me and I lost my nerve. This was also the year i ran away for the first time. After being hit a couple times with a rubber garden hose i ran out the door as fast as i could. That was the most painful thing i had ever experienced. I remember it felt like i had been seared by a hot poker and it raised a couple long welts that i swear must have stood at least a half inch off my back. Since i didn't know anyone and had nowhere to go, i eventually succumbed to hunger and a need for a place to sleep. I returned late that evening where she had me do my chores and then allowed me to eat and go to bed.

 As time went on I became aware of my growing strength. I was always athletic, loved wrestling and was much stronger than most of my peers. That combined with the fact that my mother seemed to be losing some of her strength emboldened me to begin openly defying her. This usually ended up with me beaten to a pulp and submitting, but I didnt lose those encounters as badly as i had originally anticipated... she was indeed getting weaker. This went on for many months until early in my 13th year when one day we were arguing over something. She was sitting in her favorite chair and I was standing near her. Finally she had enough of the argument and i saw that look in her eye that alerted me to an impending beat down. As she arose to her feet i reached out with both hands and shoved her back down into her chair and growled, "I'm NOT going to let you beat me ANYMORE"! At that point she burst into tears and openly sobbed for a while. A feeling of regret and sorrow swept over me accompanied by a sense of triumph and satisfaction as well. It was the best day of my childhood that I can remember.

 The last event i remember was her coming after me with a shovel. Our house was of a weird design with doors connected in way that allowed access to the rooms in a circular fashion. Fight or flight kicked in and fight didn't seem the wise choice. I ran around the rooms in a circle with her hot on my heels. As i ran panic set in. On my last couple circuits my sisters had tried to help my mother by blocking one of the doors with a broom. I easily crashed through knocking them down but I began to worry that they might think of a better way to stop me. As I entered the living room again, i decided to make a break for the front door. I reached the front door but when i went to open it... it was locked. I was so panic stricken at that moment knowing i only had a few seconds before she would be on me that all i could do was claw at the knob trying to open it. Too late, i heard her approaching from behind and i whirled around to see her a few feet away with the shovel raised above her head. I'm quite sure i must've had a wild eyed look on my face as I yelled "go ahead and just kill me"! I don't know if it was the look on my face or what, but she paused and I quickly turned around, twisted the lock and bolted out the door. Later on, for the same reasons as before, i crept back close to the yard and asked my sisters who were playing at the time, to ask her if i could come home to which she agreed. Many years later my sisters had said how sorry they were for trying to block me that day and i told them i understood and didn't hold it against them. After all, the three of us were always trying to garner favor with her to hopefully get some form of affection or approval.

 Soon afterwards, my mother had invited one of my older brothers over for a visit from out of state. This was very unusual as we rarely saw the older generation of siblings but knew they were "bad people" according to tales by our mother. All but one had been or was currently into heavy drugs. One was an alchoholic, another was in and out of juvenille hall and eventually prison. Another had spent time in mental instituions and she was always on prescription and illegal drugs. Another was gay and severely mentally handicapped and treated as the blacksheep of the family... we rarely spoke of him. He, as well as another eventually succeeded in suicide in the years to come.

 While my brother was there, I noticed they went off to talk in private. It wasn't long until he came to me and asked me if I wanted to leave and go live with him. I said I wanted to talk to her before i knew what i wanted to do. She and I went to a room for privacy and i asked her what she wanted. She said "I want you to do whatever you want". That was not the answer I was longing for. I was hoping she would say that she wanted me to stay and we could try to work things out. I returned to my brother and told him I would go with him. I was a bit quiet for the next couple days but as always I tried to keep a fascade of cheerfulness. I think my brother knew this was a difficult time for me and saw through my mask. I got much better at the charade later on in life. He tried to cheer me up by buying me a skateboard I had always wanted so bad. That did help but i remember looking out the window of the plane at the lights of the city below as we took off into the night. I broke down and silently wept, tears streaming down my face... this was not how I wanted it to end. I was ashamed to let my brother know I was crying and so I kept my face to the window until I was able to regain my composure and put back on my mask. With the exception of a brief two hour encounter at 17... I was to never see her again. She died in her 80's about 25 years later. I learned of her passing a few years afterwards.


The Abyss

 My brother soon tired of the responsibility and his wife didn't like me staying there either so I moved in with my other crazier brother. Although he was an ex-felon and quite insane at times, i really liked him and we would spend a lot of time talking about some of the philosophical things close to my heart. My older sister and her boyfriend lived nearby and we would also talk about these things. I dropped out of school and began working on the fishing boats with my brother. I was soon introduced to weed and uppers and so began my slow decent into drug abuse that swallowed the next 20 years of my life. At 15 i left since things were starting to get tense, lied about my age to get a factory job and roomed with a family.

 Although I had dropped out, I still had my fascination with science and philosophy. I would read voraciously and returned to studying the bible as well. Unlike most of my drug using friends, my primary reason for using the harder drugs like LSD and meth was because I found that I was able to think of things in new ways. It seemed to allow my already vivid imagination to suspend belief and preconceived notions easier so I could comptemplate seemingly outlandish concepts from a more open minded point of view. I was able to imagine things so vividly i could experience nearly the full emotions of losing a loved one for example. I found i could also study for days on end although as anyone can tell you that has done this, it quickly leads to a state of induced psychosis.

 In any case I often speak to kids about why they should never get into hard drugs. I relate to them the destruction of drug abuse not only financially and socially but also the mental horror of experiencing hell with no way to turn it off. I often refer to bad trips as a "vacation in hell".

 I was still very suicidal until around 20. A pink floyd song had a line in it that went "noone lives forever". At that moment I realized I didn't have to commit suicide since I am definitely going to die someday and it really is just a matter of toughing it out until then. This strangely gave me some solice and I didn't seriously think of suicide ever again. I know... strange.

 For the next 10 or so years i would obsessively study these things often wondering "why am I the way I am"? What is driving me to this compulsive quest. Why is it that others can go about their lives with little or no thought given to these issues. I couldn't understand why at times I would be literally incapable of going to work with a potential theory running through my mind. I bounced from trivial job to trivial job. Relationships with women were fleeting to say the least. Although I was lucky to be physically attractive and was fairly successful at getting gratification, relationships would rarely last more than a couple weeks.

 For years I would go through life struggling with trying to live in society while at the same time walking around in a halucinatory state of some altered reality i had concocted. It's difficult to go to work or do anything required for survival when i was experiencing a world where many people around me are actually demons or something similar all with alterior motives. It's to live in a constant state of dread. Don't try it, it's harder than you think, haha.

 Through my studies of psychology, I learned that many of the things I was experiencing on my drug trips were symptoms of schizophrenia and other mental disorders. Armed with that knowlege I was always able to hold on to just enough logic to not react violently to my perceived threats. I would prevent this by always deciding that even if this is real, i will allow them to kill me or whatever horror i was imagining, rather than defending myself. At those times it seemed like a slim chance that what i was experiencing was not real but I would rather err on the side of caution than to find out I had killed someone that was actually innocent. It's hard for people to understand just how real these experiences can seem unless they too have experienced it.


The Dawn

 At the age of 30 I decided it was time to stop the drug abuse that was ruining my life. I picked up a couple hobbies I could divert my compulsive behiour into rather than drugs. Computer gaming was one of them and the one i stuck with to this day. It took three years and a few backslides before I was finally successful. My life greatly improved. I was holding down a decent job at an air conditioning company and was promoted to running the installation dept. I had money to raise my standard of living and became hooked on laser tag. I actually became a minor legend at the laser tag arena... I was the best and the league teams I created set records that were never broken. That is where I met my wife to be.

 I had noticed her when she entered the lobby, she was so beautiful. While in the dark smoke filled arena I came around a corner sporting my black hockey mask and head to toe black clothing. She saw me and literally screamed in shock. I promptly shot her and dissapeared into the fog in search of more prey. Afterwards while everyone was resting between games, she asked a friend to introduce us. We dated and I discovered that not only was she incredibly gorgeous but she was extremely intelligent as well, i fell head over heels.... SCORE! We were eventually married, had three children and lead a very happy life. Both of our carreers were doing well and it seemed as though I would live in heaven for the remainder of my life. I was able to ponder my theories in my spare time and didn't have much problems sleeping.


Trouble in Paradise

 Nine years rolled by, we owned our first house and while her career was still going well mine had begun to deteriorate. The company I had dedicated my working life to had hit hard times. I hadn't received a raise in a few years and worse, they had removed all bonuses and my hours were eventually reduced to less than 15 per week. I finally gave up hope of the company recovering and decided to leave. I was devastated. My dreams of eventually running the company when the owner retired were gone. I was so depressed, I had done the best anyone could expect from an employee. I was a company man, dedicated, missed no more than a couple days per year, always looked for ways to save the company money, etc. Now here I was having to start all over again at 42.

 I found it difficult to get a job. I believe it's due to my age. Who wants to hire an older man when they can get a young kid who will work for peanuts. I know the company I left rarely hired anyone of age although it was an unspoken rule. I found intermittent work with small companies here and there but most of them were already on their way out of business when i was hired so they rarely lasted longer than a few months.


The Re-Emergence

 This went on for the next couple years and I found myself sinking into deeper and deeper states of depression. Unable to provide for my family I felt worthless. My sleeping disorders had returned with a vengeance. I would fall into fits of dispair comptemplating the end of life and worse, the end of my loved ones lives. I hadn't resolved any of lifes mysteries to a satifactory degree and had resigned myself to an oblivion after death. The thought of us eventually dying and never seeing each other again was overwhelmingly painful. I found that I couldn't sleep and couldn't stop my mind from contemplating a potential theory into the wee hours of the night. My motivation dissapeared. I couldn't seem to control my sleeping paterns. I fell into a 20+ wake state and 4-6 of sleep.

 I soon discovered that sleep deprevation would cause similar experiences to tripping on meth. What's worse is that it didn't take much anymore. Just a minor state of tiredness would make me feel the onset of paranoia. It also agravated my obssessive nature and I would go into long bouts of theory comptemplation. I also discovered it was self propagating in that since i was feeling paranoid it further inflamed my insomnia which in turn gave rise to deeper states of mental disturbances.

 Then it happened. Without any drug use for over 15 years, I guess I had a mild psychotic break. I was experiencing full blown auditory, visual and tactile halucinations combined with severe paranoia and some night terrors. I was shocked, I couldn't believe that I was experiencing all this without any chemical trigger. These were as intense as any I had experienced in my drug years. I would swing from times of elation to complete states of terror.

 A common theme of my dark delusional states was that I had stumbled upon something humans weren't supposed to know. That there was an evil group of entities that operated within the subconscious of mankind. From our subconscious, they could comunicate with one another through body language that people wouldn't notice. They could affect the world and carry out their will in the same manner. The more powerful ones could take complete control of their host while they slept and some could even control the memories of their hosts to avoid detection. Some people however were always controled and for some insidous purpose, pretending to be your co-worker, your friend, or even your wife and children.

 My wife stuck by me and was understanding and supportive. She would try her best to convince me that she wasn't plotting against me and was in fact a human... yeah right! Exactly what I would expect an evil insidious creature pretending to be human to say. I must pause to laugh maniacally at that one... Ok, I can continue now. Can you imagine what that must've been like for her. I swear the woman is a saint by anyones standards.

 I started getting large bumps on my body that itched intensly or caused pain. They would last a couple days, then fade and reappear in another area. They were so large at times that if it appeared on my foot I couldn't walk properly. I eliminated things from my diet and wouldn't even take over the counter medications in an attempt to find out what was causing such a profound mental condition and the bumps. I excercised and got fit to see if strengthening my body could help me overcome this. In a matter of a few weeks I had dropped around 30 lbs and was feeling physically healthy other than the bumps. Nothing seemed to work though. My doctor seemed clueless after trying various meds for controling alergic reactions failed to stop the bumps. Of course I lost my job when I was unable to report to work too often. I couldn't go in when I was either recovering from a delusion or currently in one. 

 This went on for several months. I had begun to take a powerful prescribed sleep med. It did help by allowing me to barely get enough sleep to reduce the delusions. As they decreased I was less stressed out and better able to control the downward spiral of fight or flight and insomnia. I slowly returned to a more normal state of mind and the bumps faded as well. A problem with the sleep med is that it makes me sleep for long periods of time and the following day I feel groggy with no energy.

 My sleep patern did not return to normal though as I still stayed awake for longer than normal periods. When I had a job I would run for long periods of time on about 5-6 hours per night. I stopped taking the med unless absolutley nescessary since I found it nearly impossible to wake up on time and function at work. I was fairly normal for about a year and was struck by another break and the bumps returned as well. I returned to the med and the episode only lasted a few weeks. I have been somewhat stable since then but still have been unable to find a job. With large gaps in my resume it doesnt look good to prospective employers.


The Splinter

 It dawned on me recently why I had been and am so obssessed with philosophy, theology and science beyond a normal interest. I believe it's related to my first suicide attempt at age 9. An older sister had visited for a few days. While the family was playing cards she had pulled out a bottle of little black pills. When I asked what they were, she said "they're black pills... take one of these and it will kill you". I immediately thought that those would be the perfect way for me to painlessly end it... no muss, no fuss. She placed them on top of the fridge.

 After everyone had went to sleep I snuck down and grabbed two pills just to be sure. I returned to my bed and swallowed the pills. As I waited I tried to imagine what it would be like to be dead. I imagined falling into a dark void. I kept imagining it and it grew darker and darker until it was ink black all around me. I then tried to quiet my mind and stop all thoughts. I was able to do it for quite a while. The thought entered my mind that this would be death and I would be like that for ever, never to think or play or enjoy anything again. A wave of panic swept over me and I remember snapping my eyes open and gasping for air. I was absolutely horrified at that prospect. I had never been so scared in my life. The next day when i asked her about the pills again she said she had been joking and they were sugar pills. They were probably birth control or something... who knows.

 I believe that experience traumatised me so badly that I subconsciously needed to find a way to believe there was something after death or a way to achieve immortality. And thus the Splinter in my Mind was born... my obsession to find a way of avoiding certain oblivion.


Further Self Analysis

I believe that my childhood caused a deep mental disturbance to be just below the surface. I believe I have a classic case of Schizophrenia. The drugs I abused helped bring it to the surface during my trips and would then submerge again once the influence of the drugs wore off. Furthermore, I think that in my later years it became less submerged and it would erupt with far less stimuli than previously required. Stress and minor sleep deprevation is all that is now required to potentially cause an episode.


Hope

 I don't believe psychotherapy can be of much use. What can anyone say that could change this condition or remove the splinter? I have decided to seek a psychiatrist who can begin medication therapy. I must do this while I am rational because I will be unable to do so during an episode. I would be far too suspicious of anyone for me to take that kind of perceived risk. Hopefully that can keep it controlled and dormant. If all goes well I want to fullfill my dream of returning to school and then college to study my favorite subjects of science, physics and quantum mechanics. I would also like to study psychology as a hobby as I dont think I would be fit to actually work in the field on a regular basis. I don't know how I will ever be able to afford something like that but hopefully I will find a way.


To others like me:

I know what you are going through. You are not alone no matter how much it may seem that way. I encourage you not to wait to seek professional help, it will not go away by itself. It took me til the age of 49 to realize this.

[SWM]

i only noticed this thread this morning. i havent managed to finish reading it yet. i will try and catch up later today.

[SWM]

well that was interesting.

the first thing that i want to say and i want to say first because people will read your post an may think to take your advice.

I was diagnosed with schizophrenia around 12 years ago. that resulted in the worst 3 years of my life. the medication that i was prescribed would take away the positive symptoms of my schizophrenia and leave me with the negative symptoms. the positive symptoms would only be controlled by the medication for a couple of months before i would have to go and get my medication reviewed due to the symptoms returning. those 3 years relying on psychiatric help, my condition deteriorated and the medications i was given were getting stronger and stronger.  i was told that this was the natural course of the disease and that this was the way it would be until my end.

due to my own condition my paranoia made me suspicious of the people that were treating me and i stopped trusting them. i believed they were trying to kill me slowly through the medication or that they were trying to remove my intelligence. i decided that whatever there intentions for me by giving me that medication, i would not make it easy for them.

i stopped telling them about my symptoms and i stopped taking medication. i decided to understand for myself.

many of my symptoms were thought disorders and reality distortions. (supernatural, psychic and metaphysical phenomena) i decided that if medical science could not provide a solution i would look to other possibilities. you will notice that my beliefs leak out now and again on the forum.

i have not taken any medication for about 9 years. mystical experiences are not classed as psychotic and when such experiences are placed within a context that gives them meaning and a perspective from which to explain them they are no longer distressing.

in regards to the rest of your post. you sound like a very interesting and intelligent individual. you have many experiences that have contributed to the richness of your character. i wonder how grateful you are for the struggles and the challenges that have made you.

you have experienced the mind of the psychotic and i am sure with your intelligence you have looked for your answers with science. how does the brain create experiences which have no connection to your body/mind out there in "reality". how can your mind influence and be influenced by the minds of other people without the physical expression being given to those thoughts. how do events and situations arise in such coordinated and synchronized fashion as though orchestrated for some unkown reason.  maybe you have experienced some of these phenomena maybe not, maybe you have experienced other things that are beyond the realms of common understanding.  

if you have and you have turned to science for your explanations you will like me you have found science lacking any reasonable conclusions.

[Vortex]

Hmmm, that's a drag to say the least. Two reasons I had not sought professional help all this time is that when I was 13ish, my older sister had told me that she had been commited on a few occsions. She related the horror stories of never ending cycles of different drugs and how she felt they only made her worse and that I should avoid that at all costs. Mental issues are prevelent in my family to one degree or another. I only know of my immediate family, mother and the siblings as we never knew anything beyond that. Due to my mothers early promiscuity, we aren't even sure of the fathers of each of us so researching further familiy medical history is not possible.

I was really hoping that psychiatry had progressed more in the last 30+ years. I have tried everything I can to cure myself and in the end it has failed to a large degree since I am now experiencing recurring eruptions of the condition. At the moment i am pretty stable with only minor symptoms that I have been able to control. I don't think I'll have an eruption in the near future unless the stress of not finding a job OR the stress generated by continuing loss of sleep that always happens with a new job agravates it.

you have many experiences that have contributed to the richness of your character. i wonder how grateful you are for the struggles and the challenges that have made you.

I have thought about that a lot in my younger years. I concluded that I wouldn't change my past because I believe I wouldn't be who I am today and I like who I am. I believe that I would have less of a philosophical mind and less empathy for others two things i value dearly. I also firmly believe that not only would I not have my current insight into delusional minds and the psychology of why people do things but I also do not dismiss all the conclusions i have derived from my delusional states. In fact, I believe it would be nearly impossible for some of the insights to be achieved without it. That's what inspired my hypothesis on "the Value of Delusional Thinking- from an evolutionary point of view". I will post it on this forum for some input and debate.

you have experienced the mind of the psychotic and i am sure with your intelligence you have looked for your answers with science. how does the brain create experiences which have no connection to your body/mind out there in "reality". how can your mind influence and be influenced by the minds of other people without the physical expression being given to those thoughts.

I have concluded that the mind is capable of generating physical manifestations of an internally generated "altered reality". I have experienced this first hand to a startling degree. Others can experience this on an easy safe level. The next time one of you are going to call into work sick and you are working yourself up to make that call, pay attention to the effect it has on you. If you are like most i have talked about this to, you should notice that you actually start feeling slightly ill. Basically a psychosomatic response but is directly related just on a weaker level. The greater your imagination the more profound the affect.

how can your mind influence and be influenced by the minds of other people without the physical expression being given to those thoughts.

I have derived many theories on how this is possible. While in a delusional state, my logical nature demands I figure out how a phenomenon I am perceiving could be possible. I touch on one such example in my hypothesis I'll be posting soon as I finish here.

how do events and situations arise in such coordinated and synchronized fashion as though orchestrated for some unkown reason.

The synchronicity I have experienced still leaves me baffled. I can dismiss certain things as being misinterpreted by a delusional mind. I can also dismiss things that could be halucinatory. What I have not found an answer for are the things that are confirmed by others of sound mind or I have determined that they were not a halucination. The level of synchronicity at times is overwhelming.

I can tell the difference between visual halucinations and reality. Those are usually restricted to my periphery vision and consist of quick flashes of movement or an object that is not there when i turn to focus on it. This is a primary reason (besides level of distraction) that i refuse to drive while in that state. I cannot tell the difference between tactile halucinations (the feeling of being touched or insect like crawling sensations) unless i can visually see nothing is touching me. Hence why I MUST have a light on while attempting to sleep when in that state. The auditory halucinations are also very difficult. Usually (but not awlays) they consist of voices from outside myself and are not related to any thoughts currently going on in my consciousness. They are usually very soft and hard to hear ridiculing remarks from people all around me when no such remarks would make sense in a normal situation. This is what usually ends up forcing me to leave work or call in sick. I mean for the love of all, one can only endure so many days of that toment before you must try to avoid it entirely. I have learned not to respond to such things for the sake of others and myself.

That seems to lead to a very unresponsive state where i don't respond appropriately to even sensations of discomfort from sitting too long in one position. Depending on the duration of the delusionary state, it can also lead to a lack of humor whatsoever or feelings of love etc, that I will then fake what I think are the correct reponses at the time... mainly to not insult others or be asked questions I can't answer.

if you have turned to science for your explanations, you will as I, have found science lacking any reasonable conclusions.

I have deduced many answers through my research into science, philosophy, psychology and the mental processes of the mind. There are many things I have not received an answer for and most are impossible to achieve with our current technology and evolutionary state. Don't forget scientists are peple too and most have difficulty even considering something from a delusional person... most. One of my favorite quotes is from Einstien when he was looking out a window at an insane assylum accross the way. He said "they are madmen who know nothing of physics... and I am merely a madman who does". How profound...

I greatly value my understanding of the workings of the mind. I am always instructing my children as to the hidden reasons behind peoples actions so they can better understand and empathise with the real reasons and therefore the person. Minor Example: One daughter (who's popular and a trendsetter) got upset with a girl that was always copying her styles, makeup, etc. After some fact finding questioning, I explained that the other girl was not very popular and she was imitating her in an attempt to make friends as easily as she does. Sometimes it sticks and sometimes it doesn't but in the end I believe it will make them better more compassionate people.

BTW: by design, my children do not know much about my side of the family. My wife has a ridiculously large extended family of well adjusted people and that is who they know as family. I swore to myself at 13 that I would break this viscous cycle of insanity and child abuse for my descendents. While hereditary predispositions are possible, I believe that proper enviroment will reduce the likelihood of it manifesting in them. Hopefully they'll get the best of both worlds. This is the one achievement I am most proud of and consider it my greatest success. They have given my life true meaning and a reason for having endured it all....

[voodoo scientist]

It sounds like you've taught yourself is also known as a decentered personality view. It's a technique also used in mindfulness-based CBT that has tentatively, but not conclusively, been shown to positively manage some symptoms of schizophrenia and many other psychological issues, where you learn to view certain negative events as something that happens 'in your brain' or otherwise removed from your "free will", which is intended to detach cognition from behavior and buy time to reflect.

Getting medical treatment as well is a good idea. If you do see a psychiatrist, which is a great idea, you may also want to ask him about your kids. As you yourself note, it's possible that it's a hereditary condition (roughly 9% of children with schizophrenic parents have schizophrenia themselves) - your mother might have been acting "under the influence" of many years of unmanaged episodes, and your kids should learn what you know as early as possible in case it happens to them - even if you don't sneak in a lil' abuse here and there, you sly devil. Coordinating with a psychologist in this is advised, considering you claim to have kept your children in the dark about this with the intent of sparing their fragile minds, it may be something of a bomb to drop when you tell them that they are actively engaged in a game of genetic russian roulette that could end up toasting their minds as they know it and sending them down decades of introspecting and self-analysis.

Put it this way: While I give kudos for accomplishing what you have, it appears you are always instructing your children to the hidden reasons behind everyone's actions...except your own. Maybe I'm misunderstanding - statistically improbable, I am right all of the time - but it sounds like you want to teach them the lessons you've learned without telling them all the details that went into constructing those lessons, in order to somehow spare them. The only reason you'd want to spare them from knowing is if you thought knowing was harmful, and the only reason you'd think that is because you think if only you'd never had stimuli X/Y/Z, you'd never have awoken this monster that you now need to save your kids from.

The danger of learning advanced psychological techniques through introspection is that you don't learn how to apply them. I think you decentered your personality from your "free will," and instead made it revolve around your illness, in a sense. This is extremely effective in managing your illness, because much background thinking is then devoted to solving and managing the 'central problem.' There is no real effect on happiness, competence or otherwise - perception doesn't care whether it is generated around "free will," an illness or LSD, and given the severe disadvantages of your illness, this was a highly adaptable strategy. However, I don't think you've considered that the directive of managing your illness directly conflicts with the directive of honestly preparing your children for the possibility of the illness under the conditions you've set (certain stimuli in your past caused the illness), because doing so would lead to to reliving the stimuli you believe caused your illness, whether your mother, drugs or other environmental factors, and would 'inflame the wound.'

Also, aside from telling your children, you should probably stop worrying about how to prevent the illness from ever happening, because it's not going away. It sounds like you've committed decades to it already, and you're probably not going to get much better than you already are. Instead, try to focus your efforts on managing your behavior and cognition while in a state - maybe you can't drive safely or do other high-risk activities, but you could generalize your skills from studying how to prevent episodes to how to manage an active episode, your "useful hours per year" would rise considerably faster than if you continued to bash your head against a genetic wall. Get some meds and call it a day on the prevention front.

[Vortex]

I agree they should know of the hereditary risk. Only 2 are old enough to tell. I've already let one know and will let the other two know when the time is right. I am not as worried for them since they have lead a fairly pampered life thus far. Of course cant know what roads they'll travel in the future but at least they have a good foundation. I swore to myself at 12 that i would remember and never treat my chidren like that and i have been very successful at breaking the chain of child abuse prevelent in my side of the family. I've only used corporal punishment as a lsat resort usually to enforce my preferred methods of time out, groundings, removal of priveleges and extra chores. Since i am very consistant they know if i get to 3 they will be spanked i have only had to administer 5 or so spankings in their first 10 years of life. I find that constistancy is the key. I have very strick guidelines i set for myself under those rare instances where i have to administer a spanking.
1- never spank out of anger, it's not about you venting.
2- pay close attention to the amount of force applied, no need to cause undo pain. A little goes a long way.
3- always on the butt and never smack in the face. That's too much degredation and infringment on their self esteem (imo)
4- over 10 is too old for me spanking girls so their mother would be used if it is ever required again... unlikely since the other methods i mentioned seem to be quite effective.
This is of course my personal opinions and legal right in my state and using the methods described i do not consider it abuse.

You'er correct that i have sheltered them from my own episodes and in depth discussions about my families issues. They know general things like some are on drugs, some have been hard core criminals and a general idea of the abuse. They also know i haven't been an angel in my youth but nothing specific. Many of those conversations will be for later times when they won't use my past as an excuse to try drugs or whatever. The mental issues of the entire family is being broken to them incrementally as they get older and i feel they're ready to handle more precise info. Many of those discussions will happen in the next year or so.

I do think if i hadn't had certain stimuli it might have remained dormant but it's impossible to know. I do think it's important for them to know that if they do experiment with drugs that they may have a higher risk of a bad outcome. Even if they still experiment in the future maybe they'll be more able to recognize cause and effect sooner than i did. Took me nearly a year of complete psychosis in my mid 20's before reading a psych text book and discovering many of the things i was experiencing were closely related to mental illness. At the time i figured the drugs had that result on everyone over time and didn't think it was an underlying condition surfacing. That knowlege helped me control my abuse enough to stabilize enough to elevate my state to a somewhat socially functioning addict. Yeah, that was a step up from the psychosis i had been under for a year or so, don't even remember most of that period. Wasn't til my latest couple episodes after 15+ years of no abuse that i realized it wasn't just the drugs emulating mental illness.

It sounds like you've committed decades to it already, and you're probably not going to get much better than you already are.

I was hoping the profession had advnced more than it apparently has in the last 30 years since i heard the horror stories. As you mentioned, i had tried what i could to end it but hadn't tried any of the newer drugs and thought it was time for "the last resort". Since posting this i have been contacted by a few that let me know it's still a big crap shoot and can actually worsen the condition.

I will look more into management techniques. I will also look into other types of sleep aids as well since the downward spiral is greatly affected by my insomnia. The seroquel I use as an emergency sleep aid just leaves me to groggy the next day to function well even at half a pill of the smallest dose tabs. Over the counters are too weak and have no affect, maybe there's a better middle ground med out there. I'll talk to my general practitioner for a milder alternative.

Thanks for your input.