Why can't i physically fight someone

[welshdude22]

Ever since my late teens i have really been scared of confrontation and fighting with other people, i even get scared to joke in case i offend that person. When i was a young boy i always fought people whenever they offended me and picked on me but since someone gave me a beating ive backed away from fighting sometimes ive had no option but to fight.

I get this over powering feeling in my guts, i start to get a dry mouth, i start to have a cold sweat, and whenever i sense i might have to fight i feel really down and depressed which in turn makes me want to back out by any means necessary. I don't know why i i have these horrid feelings whether its about losing or a thing with confidence, my girlfriend believes i have the head for a fight but something stops me from taking action. This is a really big thing to me, i think about it every day and try to think how i can be more confrontational and stand up for myself and be able to say to someone, for example "lets go for it" and be confident and want to go for it.

This has brought me down so may times over these years and ive had enough, i need to find out how i can change for the better.

No point telling me your the better man to walk away. In some cases this is true but in others you need to show others that you can and will fight for yourself and the people you love.

Thanks.

[gone]

What is 'fighting' really about, and why do men do it?
Is it a status thing? A cultural thing? An aggression thing?
I've sometime seen violence due to the lack of language skills in people, the don't have the language skills to communicate effectively which leads to further frustration and violence. You sound intelligent and you don't just have to walk away to be a bigger man, there are other techniques you can develop, charm for one, by saying something unexpected like 'Mate if I were you, I'd want to do me too but I wouldn't right now, cos I got a nice shirt on, you have to, so another time when I don't look so good' The last thing he will expect is a compliment & the humour will change the dynamics completely.
"Words are mightier than the sword"
Words are the most powerful tool a human being has.

If you really have to fight you have to find strength and motivation and if you're not feeling the aggression - that usually triggers the adrenalin then like a professional sportsman, boxer you could learn how to.

[SWM]

fear. conquer it.

[welshdude22]

@captcha - Where i'm from thats considered as sucking up or arse licking, frowned upon down here. So to fight someone is the only way to gain respect and keep the thugs away from me by putting fear into them.

@SWM -so basically i have to man up, take a deep breath and go for it? that is where i struggle, my body stops me and turns me into a mess which then makes me go "i cant fight in this state" horrible feeling. Would hypnotherapy work?

[SWM]

fear is a response to a perceived threat. since you got beaten you are conditioning yourself to respond to fights as dangerous by telling yourself you don't want to be beaten again, you don't want the pain, you dont want the humiliation. when you think about fighting your brain responds in the way you have conditioned it. your brain recognises the threat and produces the fear which prevents you from fighting. so your brain is protecting your body in accordance with the instructions that your thinking has provided.

most therapists including hypnotherapists would probably refuse to treat this problem as it would cause ethical and moral problems which would be contrary to most codes of ethics and practice.

if you want to change it yourself you need to change the instructions that you give your brain. i.e. you need to be comfortable withe idea of being beaten and humiliated and you have to be prepared to suffer the pain of defeat.

putting yourself in situations were you can fight for fun such as martial arts classes that have contact sparring will enable you to overcome the fears in an enjoyable and mire social way. I imagine some form of martial arts class would give you much more than helping you too overcome your fear of fighting.

[gone]

Welshdude in the south or the valleys? I know the culture of those parts and understand, like I said you could look at it from a sportsmans perspective, I agree with SWM about martial arts class or similar. Please don't even think about hypnosis, hypnosis does not exist. It won't help you but you'll waste a lot of time and money on a crazy belief and a practice in that crazy belief. I'll post about hypnosis as it's something people don't question or understand. Good luck anyway.

[welshdude22]

Welshdude in the south or the valleys? I know the culture of those parts and understand, like I said you could look at it from a sportsmans perspective, I agree with SWM about martial arts class or similar. Please don't even think about hypnosis, hypnosis does not exist. It won't help you but you'll waste a lot of time and money on a crazy belief and a practice in that crazy belief. I'll post about hypnosis as it's something people don't question or understand. Good luck anyway.

South west, near Swansea.

It's all about reputation around these parts and when i was younger i did have a reputation until i started to "chicken out" of fights. It started when i had my first beating and snowballed from then on, i have had fights since, lost and won but i still get these overpowering feelings throughout my body and mind, so powerful they take it out of me.

Thanks for the heads up on hypnosis i was going to have a few sessions about 6 months ago but couldn't.

[welshdude22]

Do you think if i start training at the gym i would make myself more confident, im hardly a big guy and could do with bulking up. I was doing well in the gym before and my girlfriend did notice a big difference in confidence.

She was saying ive got the head for fighting, i know how to fight but theres something stopping me.

[SWM]

contact sparring. fighting for fun.

[sure]

they flew me to hospital in a helicopter. before that, ive been carried from the playground in a breath-tent. i had had a real boxing job!! which i got because i ran away too much  sure

 

[welshdude22]

huh?

[sure]

the hospital

[welshdude22]

i had had a real boxing job!! which i got because i ran away too much  sure

 

that is what i dont get, you just being sarcy or serious?

[voodoo scientist]

You're having anxiety attacks. It's very common in stressful or confrontational situations, and fortunately for you, it is easily treated with temporary medication and therapy, usually over just a few months of treatment. It's comparable to having minor car troubles - it probably won't fix itself anytime soon, but it won't be an outrageous investment to get it fixed by a professional.

[welshdude22]

You're having anxiety attacks. It's very common in stressful or confrontational situations, and fortunately for you, it is easily treated with temporary medication and therapy, usually over just a few months of treatment. It's comparable to having minor car troubles - it probably won't fix itself anytime soon, but it won't be an outrageous investment to get it fixed by a professional.

What is the next step to getting this help?

[NataEames]

Anxiety is a natural reaction to being threatened.

You need to understand what exactly you're afraid of in a fight.

Are you scared of the pain of being punched? Are you scared of being embarrassed? Maybe you're afraid of having a broken nose heal incorrectly?

Only once you understand your fears you can overcome them.

[SWM]

You're having anxiety attacks. It's very common in stressful or confrontational situations, and fortunately for you, it is easily treated with temporary medication and therapy, usually over just a few months of treatment. It's comparable to having minor car troubles - it probably won't fix itself anytime soon, but it won't be an outrageous investment to get it fixed by a professional.

What is the next step to getting this help?

your in wales, you get help for free, see your GP.

or try some contact sparring.

[welshdude22]

Anxiety is a natural reaction to being threatened.

You need to understand what exactly you're afraid of in a fight.

Are you scared of the pain of being punched? Are you scared of being embarrassed? Maybe you're afraid of having a broken nose heal incorrectly?

Only once you understand your fears you can overcome them.

the embarrassment of losing i think, ive been hit and its not that painful and im not confident about my punching power and even if i did beat them, i think what will they do after it, would they come back and attack again, i get very paranoid. Loads of things run through my head when im in a threatening situation.

[S. Earl Martin]

Okay I will weigh in on this. When I was young I had ashma and at that time it was thought to be psychosomatic. I used to get beat up alot. I learned to take a punch. When I got older the condition subsided. I also got bigger and took martial arts. I over compensated by beating the crap out of guys that challenged me. When I was younger I was 6" 220-240 lb athletic build. Most times if I raised my voice the other guy backed down. I also carried a gun. That was back in my criminal days. Although I still carry a gun, but now it is legal. I have a permit. Anyway I realized that violence is not a safe option. Even when I won I still got hurt in the process. I have been shot 4 times and stabbed 3 times. Several of my street fighting friends got killed.
Another option you might check out is Mediation training. I have used the technics on this sight and in day to day life and most of the time it allows the conflict to be resolved with both parties saving face.
If you are interested in Martial Arts? Find a sensei/instructor that teaches the philosphoy that goes with it. There are dogos that teach you how to beat people up, but it is better to find one that helps you understand how to use and control the power/ training you are recieving. Good luck. Just because you are scared it doesn't make you a coward. Fear is designed to promote caution and to make us more aware. Peace Earl

[sure]

welshdude, you can't physically fight someone cause it's forbidden ! My raiser went to the police tellying I'm schizoid and will attack and so on. I'm not schizoid, a friend she's fucking is. I held a potatoe-knife at her once. since than, I'm not aloud to enter the house, nor she is with mine. She fucked me nearly 20 years long and sold me to the government, after she made 500.000 bucks with my education. ANother one she fucks has the horror. that's why. those people masturbate, saying they have sex or make love or else. they just touch their private parts and rubb or up and down. nothing else. thos people are called thais, vietnam, bridge or river Kwai. they don't know where children come from . those masturbation- mutants- sucking-in-ma-governments-tits. that they get aids is an honnour for them. The first time and so on.
Cheers,
Kirsten

[NataEames]

Thanks for the info christine but the law is not stopping the bullies from hitting people, is it?

And self-defense is not illegal, it is compulsory sometimes for survival. Maybe welshdude, you should learn some martial arts or something, it would kind of be like insurance.

[welshdude22]

To be honest i have taken so much sh*t over the years the consequences don't bother me where the law is concerned however i do get concerned about what that person is capable of, my mind is screwed i lack so much confidence in my ability to fight when it comes to how strong i am and how hard i can hit.

I need to train my body and mind by training myself or by attending boxing sessions.

Thing is though how do you condition your mind to stop it triggering off these feelings in my body that make me back down if there's a hint of conflict and make it get a nice buzz in your body that makes you want to get stuck in so to speak.

Welshdude22.

[NataEames]

I also used to have no confidence before i threw my first punch. I would back down, stay out of fights and stand by when there was a fight. The first hit i landed was with a back punch (like a swing with the back of my hand), the second was a proper punch right after the first. The guy was down on the ground with his nose bleeding!

And im a girl!

[welshdude22]

I also used to have no confidence before i threw my first punch. I would back down, stay out of fights and stand by when there was a fight. The first hit i landed was with a back punch (like a swing with the back of my hand), the second was a proper punch right after the first. The guy was down on the ground with his nose bleeding!

And im a girl!

Ive been in many fights myself and when i was a kid i would fight anyone. But why am i different now? ive fought people i the past two years but i still get this awfull feeling.

[NataEames]

For some people, fighting is just not natural i guess. It definitely wasn't for me.

I was forced to make myself more aggressive in order to not be bullied and to be able to protect myself and those around me.

Sometimes it is best to back down and not provoke a further problem but sometimes physical fighting may not be something that is your choice.

[welshdude22]

For some people, fighting is just not natural i guess. It definitely wasn't for me.

I was forced to make myself more aggressive in order to not be bullied and to be able to protect myself and those around me.

Sometimes it is best to back down and not provoke a further problem but sometimes physical fighting may not be something that is your choice.

 cant you change the way your mind thinks though, for example isntead of being afraid of fighting, train your mind to want it?

[NataEames]

Yeah you can but that takes a lot of work and thinking. You first need to understand what is important, because sometimes if you're just plainly aggressive or passive, it can be the wrong choice.

A different reaction is needed for a different situation, place, time and people involved.

I still do not like fighting. I would like to avoid it if i could. But I made myself aware of when i am feeling scared and avoidant and i push myself to rationally decide what is right.

Feelings are irrational and illogical and they will lie to you. Do not use your feelings to decide, use your common sense and logic. That will not let you down.

[SWM]

For some people, fighting is just not natural i guess. It definitely wasn't for me.

I was forced to make myself more aggressive in order to not be bullied and to be able to protect myself and those around me.

Sometimes it is best to back down and not provoke a further problem but sometimes physical fighting may not be something that is your choice.

 cant you change the way your mind thinks though, for example isntead of being afraid of fighting, train your mind to want it?

your thoughts change when you change your behaviour. if you behave differently, i.e. if you go out an have a fight and you get beat but it doesnt hurt as much as you thought it would. your thoughts change i.e. "fighting doesnt hurt that much".

training  your mind as you say involves a combination of challenging negative thinking and behaving in more constructive ways.

it is no really helpful for you to try to challenge the thought that fighting is painful and will cause humiliation because it is a true thought. challenge truthful thoughts is not helpful because you end up with an unbalanced assessment of the danger but you can change your behaviour to help you learn more constructive ways of thinking and feeling in these situations.

seriously, i recommend joining a martial arts class where you engage in fighting for sport. where the  fighting is controlled and where you are learning and training your mind and body to be calm and comfortable in a combat situation.

[NataEames]

I've known a bunch of martial artists and even a trainer. In the studio, he will beat you like you're a baby but outside someone once gave him a slap and he got scared.

Moral of the story - anyone can do anything in a controlled situation. A real fight will not be controlled. It ranges from a slap or a push to being kicked on the ground or stabbed.

I became a fighter the day i accepted that I will bleed. And my promise to myself in all such situations is "even if I end up beaten so bad I end up in the hospital, I will give them hell of a very hard time getting me there!"

[S. Earl Martin]

I agree with NataEames. Several times Just because I wouldn't back down even though the other guy was getting some good shots on me. Eventually I landed and they backed down.