Why do women hate me?

[cherubby]

Ok, someone please help me understand this. 90% of the people at my office are women who just loooooove to chat. They get mad at me, gossip about me, slander me, because I don't say hi. But I do say hi in return when they say hi to me. Now the situation is blown out of proportion to the point where all the women are talking trash about me because I don't say hi first. Here's the situation:

There are other guys who are shy like me, perhaps even shyer, who NEVER say hi! Even when they say hi to them first they say hi back in a whisper. They never have any complaints about them. Why am I hated because I don't say hi but the other guys aren't? Someone please help me out!!! Btw, I don't do anything wrong at work. I'm just a quiet shy guy who works like crazy and gets my work done. I bring food sometimes to share (nobody shares with me) and buy some other women lunches (these small percentage of women are my friends who never speak bad about me) and simply sit at my cubicle and work. The other shy guys do the same but are never spoken badly about. I'm actually nicer than them, but now I'm villified because of not saying hi. Now they try to make me look bad by going out of their way and saying loudly, "HIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or, "I love to go around the office and say HIIIIII!!!! to everyone!!!" to the other women co-workers. And some of their male friends (2 of them who do not know me too well) go out of their way and hug them and say "GOOOOOD MOOOOORRRRRRNINGGGGG!!!!!!" and look at me to try to make me feel bad. Now those 2 guys hate me too. What's going on here??? Thanks in advance!

Sincerely,
cherubby

[gone]

Aww poor you. I think this always happens in large groups of people with no lives. I've experienced it and I've witnessed it. I would say it's bullying.

Maybe it's like this, you see all those people who are loud and fake and you can't fake it and say 'Hi darling bla bla' hug hug hug.. which may make your somach turn at such awful superficial fakeness but you can't under any circumstance bow to such an act, because quite simply you're a little more genuine than that. It's doubtful they hate you, just see you as different and so single you out. For gossip and for solidarity. It's really mean what they're doing to you and would you really want friends like that?

The thing I find is most people are horrible, it doesn't take much to bring it out of them, it's nothing to do with you, there is nothing wrong with you, it is them with the problem. I doubt it will last long before they move on. Just try to sit it out, but if it goes on or you find it intollorable you must report it, it is a form of bullying. Meanwhile try to ignore those who are bad to you and concentrate on the ones who are good to you, as it is those that really deserve your thoughts and attentions.

[warmblanket]

hey cherrubby, im a little same as you, a bit reserved, when i was younger i used to be very chatty but when people keep making negative remarks, its hard to be bubbly again cos as soon as you act confident they put you down so you become reserved instead. Im a woman but i dont understand why other women do this, maybe their 2-3 day PMS extends all month long for them, hence, the rattiness but maybe they really like you and theyre just messing, flirting, being playful, depends on tone

I think you are probably bit more involved in what your doing, and enjoy work, which isnt a bad thing, you know what you want to do in life and are focused and have a solid plan what you want to do, they're just an empty distraction, best thing to do is just keep working, ignore the rumours, just be your happy self,

I remember being tittering / giggling girl at the age of 10-12 with my 2 friends in primary school, then you grow up, developed empathy and emotional intelligence, but as I grew up I noticed some girls were only going through this stage in secondary school, other girls still act like this in university. Its a little petty

maybe isolating yourself is best, since they're going to believe what they want to believe, just be careful they dont use you as a guinea pig and project negative values onto a blank canvas (since your so quiet) in front of the boss, use the *you they conjured up on their heads as a comparative point to exhibit their great qualities to the boss, as the next thing on the line might be your job considering the persistence is so strong.... wish u luck, plus might be short term thing that will pass over soon

[cherubby]

Thank you both! I wish they had people like the both of you at my workplace, that is, people who are not fake and have real concerns for others. I try to ignore the bad stuff they say about me by putting on my headphones and listening to some soothing music, but when they see me do that they purposely get louder to try to aggravate me but I try not to bite. I use to buy my co-workers breakfast or bring food in the morning to try to be nice to them, and when I stopped bringing food because I simply didn't have enough funds, they said I was stingy and they tried to spite me by buying their friends food and never asking me if I wanted any. So basically I was wrong in their eyes for not continuing to bring them free food. I sometimes leave to go to the bathroom and cry because it gets unbearable at times. They are about 35-55 yrs old but giggle like young girls in elementary school when they tease me and this troubles me. Some people tell me that I get picked on a lot perhaps because of the way I look. I'm 37 yrs old but barely look old enough to buy alcohol. I'm scared to go to work tomorrow but I have to go to make ends meet. I appreciate the warm responses and thanks for the advice.

Sincerely,
cherubby

[iNuha]

Silence is the silent assassin which builds confidence within and walls externally. Cherubby, I know we do not face the diatribe or the head-on-traffic of gossip you experience each day. Remember, people are who they are regardless to whom or what. Never fall victim to (so-called normal) maladjustment. Being you is unique. The pulchritude of being one's self. Resilience unto you, Cherubby. 

[warmblanket]

Never fall victim to (so-called normal) maladjustment.

Cherrubby, no need for adjustment at all, your just fine the way you are. You do not fail adjustment, no one should need to adjust (or be made accept such a situation as tolerable) to a foul situation, you do not need to "conform" to their petty behaviour. As iNuha says, you need not falter for their maladjustment to you. Usually, there is already internal conflict in the group, however, none of them wishes to be a victim of it, so they all conform to target one person to keep themselves at peace, their own identity intact and evade getting the brunt of the negative energies brewing underneath, is it a competitive environment?

[cherubby]

Ok, I do feel the need to make an adjustment here. The topic should be titled, "Why do women at work hate me" Thanks again for the advices.

Sincerely,
cherubby

[gone]

You could always use a Jedi mind trick:
A technique of infiltration. At the moment they are a solid mass at conflict with you. Put on your war head and do battle. But not with weopans, with intelligence.
For example they feel safety in number, possible peer pressure, so get to them one by one. If one of them was at a coffee machine, try to be there, make small talk with that one person, about the weather or traffic or whatever. Then do this with the next person, get them on their own and use these jedi mind tricks.. hehe... The point is this chat on a one to one (and I know you said you're shy I don't know if you'd try), as it may make them feel guilty for treating you badly, because they've been in a one to one situation with you, that has formed an unconscious bond they don't even know about, but it will make them feel awkward if broken.
A psycholgy trick.

[warmblanket]

I guess try to be less shy, and try say hi perhaps bit by bit practice. Sometimes that happens to me as I said, sometimes I feel it very difficult to approach people and say hi due to shyness so I understand, guess have to try harder, sometimes if I'm not wearing my glasses, I dont see people wave over or wave at wrong person cos im shortsighted, which is another thing but i think if u can try adjust in terms of overcoming shyness things might get better as well...plus, maybe if u see funny side of it, it might not be so bad...

[hortonpilot]

Interesting topic.

Interesting replies.

Women in groups where the are a small number of men in workplace situations can make life difficult for men.
OHS ,anti-bullying codes of practice don't seem to apply but would if you stepped out of line.
I find this very strange.
I also don't understand why when poor workplace situations exist and a likely cause is the dominance of women nothing gets done.
Changing the balance of numbers alters the dynamic very quickly into a more harmonious workplace.

Some of our departments have managed this problem by altering the balance of numbers very effectively. The managers seem to see it as the way it is, an un-healthy dynamic rather than a personal thing.
Even some women don't enjoy these situations and ask to be transferred out.

[gone]

It's funny Horton I've just replied to a topic with the concept of Yin and Yang. Harmony in opposites and here again it's been identified as a sucessful way to find peace. I certainly agree.

[hortonpilot]

Simple ideas do not occur to all.
Yin/yang.

[cherubby]

I've learned to concentrate on my work and not worry about what others think about me being shy and forcing me to change.

[hortonpilot]

cherubby,

sometimes it is better to be on the outer ?


Horton

[shamsan]

 
  women always hate someone who are shy . the same problem with me . because of my silence toward them , i am   a hateful person for them . women want someone to praise her ,  good morning , how are you , i miss you , you seem somthing new , what a dandle you are , if you say what a beautiful you are , you well become the most important for her . so break the shame wall , speak , praise and you become  a loved one .  so it is butter to keep isolated of them because of thier inconsistencies both in   their feelings and understandings.Her love is followed by hate, she says yes when she means no. Whilst such contradictions may be a trait of humankind at large, they are especially the traits of women.  .  However, while such contradictions are traits of both men and women, they are especially particular to women.
 
shamsan dabwan saeed - Taiz -Yeme

[S. Earl Martin]

Another aspect of this is people are bored at work and look for a distraction or a reason to goof off. The situation you discribe is just an excuse to do anything, but work. I owned my own company and would have to deal with personality issues. We would have to have meetings and discussions. Most of the time it was just all about nothing. It just was a contrived excuse to get out of work. Just keep doing your job and make sure you don't get caught goofing off. If the management are worth anything they will put a stop to it and make everyone go back to work.

[gone]

As this was brought up in another topic I will add further. (All women don't hate him because he says some are his friends)..

The problem began when he gave them gifts - food, buying lunch etc.. This is creating a 'superficial' friendship.. It is not the way to make 'genuine' friendships.

I didn't mention this before, because I felt sympathy & an ear were more important at that time. But I've observed manipulators use this technique to their advange time and again, the 'superficial' relations they gain by this method are ALWAYS short term. You don't have to give people things to make them like you, on the contrary it is more likely to work against you.

[hortonpilot]

Pm's advice is good, consider it carefully.
Life in the workplace can be made difficult when you forget some basic rules of survival.

A little distance between people is good and not telling people stuff about yourself that will be used against you or make for envy.

[psyc kid]

Hi, I may just be 17 but I know a little about female psychology so lets take a look at this.

The reason I found this interesting is because the focus of abuse (yes i consider it abuse) is coming from mostly women. This kind of thing usually happens when women are attracted to you and need a excuse to be around you so they pick something they can nag you about. I was leaning towards this since they picked something as meaningless as not saying hi. The other thing that caught my attention was that you said you buy food for other women. This could provoke an act of jealousy.

Here is some advice, try to stay away from groups. A single person is smart and usually open minded, but when people get into groups they devolve into stupid panicky animals who tend to go into a mob mentality. If a women approaches you and says something bad, stand up to her and she will back off and maybe even respect you if you come off as an alpha male.    

[sakoz]

cherubby last posted 1/18/11
"Why do women hate me?' Is this question similar to "Why does it rain?" Think there's a specific answer?
A  practical question would be; " How can I maintain homeostasis/equilibrium in this or any social   climate/context?"(like James Bond, or cowboy heroes,; Barack Obama keeps his 'cool'.)

[hortonpilot]

As Mum mentioned there are elements of ,
"
The problem began when he gave them gifts - food, buying lunch etc.. This is creating a 'superficial' friendship.. It is not the way to make 'genuine' friendships."
Don't feed the sharks!

Horton.

[S. Earl Martin]

Yeah I agree. They could be doing it to try and get him to buy them more gifts to please them. I have seen marriges where the wife keeps finding fault and throwing a fit and the husband takes her out to eat or buys her gifts to plese her. It just encourages her to do it more to get more special treatment.

[hortonpilot]

Could people be this superficial?
prolly.........

horton

[HexHammer]

Seems this is the "pecking order" in action, that the dualistic bad side in people are lived out on the "outsider".
You violate their unwritten rules about behaviour, not to say hi and act a bit shy, they'll have an easy target who doesn't fight back.

Put youself in respect with these women, and they'll probaly change to the most nicest women in the world.