would a true friend vent anger

[zena]

Hi, I have been reading this forum for some time as psychology facinates me.

Now I have a queery, and I would appreciate other's opinions when my friend got mad at me.

My closest friend lives abroard for several years.  I have had a load of lifes crap coming together +++.  briefly,  my mother has developed alzhiemers, self neglects and has fallen broken her hip. She requires time attention and be kept safe. As families "doer" they happily let me take responsability for most of her needs. My relationship with my partner has been rocky and confusing However we recently discovered he has aspergers. This has scrambled my world, at first relief that I wqs not going mad,then  realisation we will never share closeness i so long for. Then my dog died, I was bullied at work, and had other dysfunctial family issues to deal with. Then I became ill with shingles (im 50), became very depressed and felt life was over for me. I also went slightly crazy writing on the walls, endless poems about death, agraphobia, and thoughts of ending it all. Then after 18 clean years I briefly relapsesd on an illegal substance and too much drinking for a a few weeks.
I confided this to my friend this, told her I needed a big hug when I saw her next. She then got an internet connection, but messages were  cold and hostile. (some due to not realising when I was joking, or implied something else literally, easy to do when first using computers to communicate). But I thought she knew me better.
Now this is where I am so confused, when we met  instead of a hug I was met with an outburst of anger. She spoke so angrily to me. told me how selfish i had been to spend our savings on drugs, that I was self indulgent ( prob true), and cant really remember what else she said as I was so taken aback, but all was said as parent repremanding a naughty child. We met the next day for a couple of hours and tried to talk it through. however we could not see the others point of view. That I could never do that to a friend who had reached out and confided in me, and didn't  understand her need to vent her anger. After everything I have been through this year,  I expected love and compassion from my dearest friend. I could accept her saying she had felt angry at the time and why, I would also be open to suggestions how I could have dealt with things better. But her view remained that she had a right to show her anger, tell me to grow up, tell me how stupid and self indulgent i was. I did explain I had beaten myself up, so no need for her to contribute. To which I was accused of not wanting to hear the truth.
Also,Her mother and her partner have caused her lots of problems over the years. i.e. Her mothers drinking and having no money. I really believed she was projecting this onto me, but she denied this.
On my last evening  we were supposed to be going out with partners. but he did not come and she stayed 20 mins. and there was a huge barrier. I am going to be self indulgent and say she was the one thing in my life I felt was concrete and forever, and I am so sad. Its prob the crappiest of all my other problems. I feel just cant forgive her Or am I missing something?

Please advise if you think, she dealt with the situation in a loving way, ie being cruel to be kind?

She likely was projecting her mothers problems.

I am a grown up and should be able to accept it on the chin?

Any other thoughts.

I dont want to lose our friendship, its so precious to me, but I dont know if I have the mataurity to put it behind me.

thanks
Zena  x

[joyfulbnu]

Life is tough,however,we have to be optimistic.

[hortonpilot]

Zena,

         you sound like a wonderful person who is only human, sets high standards for yourself and cares for others.
You are only human and not perfect.
 Forgive yourself a little as you try so hard.
You took some drugs to ease your pain , so what?

Anger of your friend is a projection of their feelings , not yours.
They like you enough to lay their shit on you.. knowing you will understand.

Love turns to other things and some people can show love in spite of troubles, distance. Others struggle and can only do it it when things are favorable.
Seems various people are dumping their shit on you ?
You need to chose, and say to them no more?

Always for you is the option of "doing the walk", meaning i am out of here if you are going to be like that.
Please consider this?
You are being manipulated by their behavior and for a change should pull the strings.


Horton

[Zepher08]

Your friends anger is probably abut both your behavior as well as all the other stuff. So it appers to me like a combined anger. People do this sort of thing all the time. Your discomfort with her anger is usually the general rule. I don't know that I have ever been happy when some one chooses me as a target for their anger. Anger managment might say...it is OK to be angry and it is OK to say I am agnry at you because of ab and c But name calling and verbal abuse isn't cool. On the other hand if I picked up my friends cat and threw it into a car He/She it might just result in a ball of flames as well as sorrow.

If I had a savings shared with another person and they spent it all I would be pissed. If our mutual trust about this was broken I would be angry. You can hove all the reasons in the world to have broken the pact but if you broke the confidence that is highly disappointing and even if she never revealed her anger, it is there.

I think expressing anger is OK. Your actions may not be understandable to her and they don't have to be.

It seems to me that both you and friend have acted immaturely in regards to dealing with life situations. You managed your emotions by drinking the money away and friend burst into a rage. The future of your relationship will not only depend on whether you can mutually accept each others human responcers but also that you find better tools to deal with real life situation / challenges.

PEACE

[acousticeagle]

It's sad, but sometimes it is that the friendship that we have desired to last 'forever' may not. Over time people change, and the friends you have say 10 years ago may not be the ones you will have now. You've been through a lot of bad circumstances, enough to binge drink for a little while. btw, I am not judging you at all and not for that! From what you've described you've been through more than what you could handle.

It's possible that your friend has taken a new direction from you and you have grown apart, but she is reluctant to say or cannot express that in words. Also, when one person has problems in their lives  (and your friend may have) it's hard to be an 'ear' for another person's at the same time. You may have delivered too much of your problems on her doorstep and she's finding the relationship burdensome -and one reaction could be 'anger'.

What I would suggest is cooling it with your friend for a period - but seeking professional help for your problems ie. via a social worker first. If the social worker suggests other courses of action  ie home help for your relatives with Alz, then it would be a wise course to pursue that. There are social institutions in place when our worlds seemed overwhelmed. If you can 'outsource' some help for yourself, then next when you see your friend you won't be overburdening her.

Never see yourself as 'trapped' - there's always something - something - that can be done to release a tight situation in your life's circumstances. Try making some phone calls to social services that could help, it would be a start.

"I really believed she was projecting this onto me, but she denied this."
It's possible that she is connecting the bad feelings she has had from her own experience with her relatives with you. If she herself is not a drinker then she could be judging this behaviour through anger.