This is a matter which has caused me great concern over the past month.
I am 18, and was severely depressed do to my thinking that I looked ugly when I was 14 and 15. I fully recovered and was more or less very happy from 16-18. My MBTI type is definately INTJ.
I recently moved to a different country and began volunteering, things were fine for the first 2 months (except for two brief instances where I was incredibly anxious and experiencing panic attacks. These were percipitated by a belief that I had contracted Mono, and HIV in that order - I dismissed these thoughts after 3 days with mono, and 4 days with HIV.)
I have smoked marijuana perhaps 15 times before, without negative experiences, The past two times I have done it though I have had bad panic attacks and became very paranoid. I was fine for 2 weeks after I freaked out on cannabis, then it started.
From my journal at the time:
1.It all began on monday when I was sitting on a loud bus, I live in Lima so this is a common occurence, and I noticed that I had difficulty focusing my eyes. By blinking, I soon realized that there were light images similar to what you get from looking in bright lights, over the next 30 minutes these migrated from the center to the periphery of my vision. This difficulty was accompanied by a nausea and headache. I have had this nausea and headache intermittantly over the past 3 days with a seeming sensitivity to light as well, perhaps caused by the headache, or vice versa.
2. In the past I have sometimes had periods of a day or two when my mind starts racing, I can't sleep well, and I am under alot of anxiety. This is always percipetated by some outward stressor. For the past 3 days, I have been more or less unable to sleep without the use of Graval, and I have been under a GREAT deal of anxiety. I also had 3 troubling incidents where I was attempting to say a spanish word and it came out wrong. For instance I wanted to say Papaya and said papa instead. Or I greeted someone with como se dice. It may be the anxiety speaking but I was walking past the supermarket yesterday and a lady walked out and I was scared/jumped. Yesterday and today, I have had brief periods where I strongly didn't want to talk to people. Strangely I am able to function perfectly at work where it is my job to talk to HIV patients for 4 hours every day.
End of Journal
It has been 3 weeks since I wrote this. The anxiety still remains, and I seem to fluctuate between week long periods where I am convinced I am developing schizophrenia, and then periods where I am doubtful. I have had a few days where I am almost perfectly fine (normal), and some days (like today usually after a night of hard drinking and taking graval to go to sleep) where I am extremely anxious and certain I'm developing it. I don't have any delusions, but I frequently think I see things out of the corner of my eyes. My sensitivity to light has disappeared and for the last week I have dealt with it fairly well. Sometimes I think of things that are weird and it really freaks me out because I don't know if I believe it or not. Like for instance I was watching Lord of the rings and I had a few thoughts that troubled me concerning events that I thought happened but didn't, and then thinking that maybe I had seen a different version before (but really knowing I hadn't). Also, I dream almost every night about schizophrenia (mostly talking to my dad - who is a doctor about it, and talking to psychiatrists concerning what are the symptoms etc.) My second Cousin once removed on my mothers side has schizophrenia, this is one of the reasons I fear it so much.
If anyone here could give me some advice. I am deliberating on whether I want to continue backpacking for 2 months in South America, or go home and seek help. It fluctuates depending on if it is a good day or a bad day.
By the way I take 3000mg of fish oil daily, a multivitamin, and sometimes run (I think this helps with the anxiety especially.)
As far as my social functioning goes, For the past 4 weeks I have found that I almost NEED to be around other people. Today though I don't feel like that for some reason (perhaps because I'm hung over.) When I am socializing, it seems to be the only time that I feel somewhat normal, and forget at least partly of my anxiety.
Sometimes, when my mind begins racing, and it is one of my bad days/nights - I will have trouble speaking, I will stutter, forget what I was going to say halfway through a sentence, and say random things. For example today was a bad day, I was thinking about the hectic driving styles in Lima, and as the driver drove around a car and went off the road, instead of the "shoulder" of the road, I thought we went onto a secondary road. Another example is that yesterday, my friends brought a second load of firewood, and instead of calling it "more"wood, I called it the "new" wood. Both of these incidents caused me great concern because to me they indicate that I could be exhibiting the issues with language inherent in the pro-dromol phase of schizophrenia. Accompanied with this was an aversion to interaction with my friends which goes against the usual grain of my personality.
If any of you guys could tell me what you think. I am unable to go to a doctor down here because my spanish isn't very good.
Thank you,
Willem
Topic: Am I developing Schizophrenia? (Read 1055 times)
November 05, 2010, 11:21:58 AM
