Any thoughts on this personal profile?

[anitap73]

Hello. I apologize in advance if this will be a tedious or overly personal post, but as the folllowing that I will address has been on my mind excessively as of late (with no concrete conclusions being drawn on my part), I would sincerely appreciate the insight from any professional, semi-professional or nonjudgmental poster of this forum. I will attempt to formulate a relatively concise, through and blunt profile that I hope will be sufficient for those who are kind enough to take time from their day to read this and offer an opinion.
For the sake of accuracy and sincerity, I will forgo formalities and will simply state any and all personal information I feel may be remotely relevant to those wishing to offer an opinion.

Physiological:
I am a Caucasian female, and am not diagnosed with any medical condition pertaining to psychological or physiological health. I am of an average weight, height and the only noteworthy medical "ailments" I have experienced are regular migraines (a minimum of 2 per week) for which the onset was the age of 12.
 
Psychological:

(I will write the following memories/facts in the sequences that they actualize in my memory, and thus I apologize if my writing appears as incoherent/non-sequential.)

Other than what my parents deemed as appropriate physical punishment for misbehaving, I have never experienced any physical abuse in my childhood/present life, nor have I ever been subjected to any form of sexual abuse. My parents are not divorced, although the last 15 or so years of their marriage have been generally unhappy, marked with relatively frequent arguments and occasional bouts of physical and verbal abuse. They try to involve myself and my sister in their squabbles as little as possible, but realistically, how much can truly be hidden from those with whom you share a house?

Nevertheless, they both continually sought to be loving and fair parents who always put a particular emphasis on talking through issues together, coming to them for advice or help, etc.  In all, I cannot really say that I resent either of them for exposing me to the negativity that was their marriage in my adolescence because regardless of however unfavorably it affected my personality and/or development, I'm sure it hurt them considerably more.   
 
From a young age (approximately 6 years), I discovered the degree to which I enjoy and relish in melancholia and all activities which have a melancholic aspect to them. Although I was perfectly capable of forming friendships with neighborhood children and despite the fact that at least one sibling and/or relative was always available, I consciously chose to forgo their companionship and instead opted to send afternoons in solitude reading, walking, daydreaming/sleeping, or playing chess with an imaginary friend.

In personal relationships (with both family and a significant other), I am unwaveringly loyal and protective of those that I genuinely care for. However, despite how much love and compassion these individuals receive from me, they are not exempt from the other side of my personality that becomes more dominant in situations wherein I feel angry, hurt, disappointed and/or emotionally vulnerable. At these times, I can become very emotionally cold, detached, aloof and uninterested. Of course this may be the typical reaction for people, but what has always slightly puzzled me is how I can suddenly feel all of the above for someone I was attached to in seemingly very, very little time.

 To employ an overused analogy, it is like "the push of a button" signals that there is something wrong and that they no longer deserve my attention/love/time, and minutes later, I can look upon them with casual indifference for their being. Moreover, I have noticed that the more emotional vulnerability and pain they express in an attempt to apologize or convey their feelings of regret (etc), the faster my indifference sets in.

Similarly, there have been occasions wherein an individual has made him or herself emotionally vulnerable before me (to varying degrees and in varying circumstances) and I consciously chose to hurt them. Not by means of verbal or physical abuse, but by simply exploiting the weaknesses the particular person possesses that they inadvertently drew my attention to at some point in the time we have known one another. To illustrate an example of such a "weakness": the fear of having your loved one leave you or stop caring for you.

As this post has become Tolstoy-like in length already, I will end it now with one last topic that I wish to address: my interest in blood.

Although my primary interests lie within the field of Neuropsychiatry/Neurology, I have expressed an interest in the science of surgery and dissection from an early age. For many years, I took great joy in reading medical encyclopedias and journals while my peers devoured the latest comic books and more than once, the teacher essentially let me teach and instruct the class during dissection labs in Biology class. (As I write this, a preserved sheep's eye awaits dissection and labeling. Fascinating.)

At about the age of 11-13, it occurred to me that I could drag a razor along my own skin (not because of self-hatred or deprecation, but) to see what it felt like to cut. And so I did - millimeter deep incisions along my legs/regions of my body I was sure no one would notice. This served as a kind of unusual source of entertainment for a period of time; an activity that, although I knew was rather strange, I gave very little thought. However, relatively recently marked the first time that I actually tasted the blood that I let flow and to my half-surprise, I was intrigued and pleased by the taste. Intrigued enough that I have cut several times since that occasion just to taste the x number of drops again, perhaps with a cup of coffee or a cigarette. And I am very curious as to why any of you might think this is. Please note: I am anything but a "fan" of the utterly sad and ridiculous sh*te that the recent vampire-themed media is, and I have less than zero interest in any novel, TV show, etc that is similarly based. What I have just explained above has absolutely nothing to do with that.


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Again, I apologize for the length of this post and I applaud you if you have read even a portion of it. I hope that is it enough to offer an initial opinion of the matter, but if not, please feel free to ask any additional questions that you feel may further benefit your understanding.

Thank you.

[gone]

I've read the whole lot, here's a great place to come and vent & discover more of oneself, I've done it & still do often.
The only problem you seem to have & not understand is that you cut yourself. There are a lot of people who do. Famously: The movie 'The Sectretary' is about that (and S&M), and Richie from the Manic Street Preachers was a famous cutter. I once knew someone who's daughter was and it caused her a lot of distress. It seems there are no ingredients as to why people do this, they arive at this practice by different paths. Some feel an enormous sense of relief after cutting, like having a cigarette would to a smoker, others do it to harm themselves as they feel worthless etc etc..

You seem pleasured by the experience, but as you are interested in biology it may just be an extension of that. Many biologist/Doctors have experimented on themselves to discover something. Just last week I watched a documentary where the doctor/presenter re-enact increasing his bleeding times as a previous physisican had done while experimenting with eating only spinach (or something) then cut daily & timing their blood flow (the guy doing this was so enthused by what he was doing - but seemed pointless to me as it wasn't learning anything new, but he loved the process).. 
You don't seem to be doing it to hurt yourself or others, more to please yourself and as you say (entertain yourself), It may be a bus mans holiday, if a person likes watching sport the changes are he'll play it too, maybe you are just partaking in your interest.
And tasting blood, well if we cut our finger with a sharp kitchen knife accidently the first thing most people do is put it in their mouth. Meat eaters consume blood daily.
I don't think there is anything strange or unique in what you are doing, maybe you just need to understand why, and that sometimes comes with talking (or writing) about it and exploring it.

[jbarefield74]

I'm sorry I don't have anything to help you out. Search more on the internet.