have you ever wanted to commit suicide?

[SWM]

have you ever wanted to commit suicide?

what was happening at that time that made you think suicide was the answer?

i have but i cannot remember much about it. it was at a time when i was very, very ill. and i dont remember much apart from i had been keeping myself in my room for a about a month avoiding everybody, the television was communicating with my thoughts. i can remember i wanted to dig a razor blade into my wrists but i ended telling my mum what was happening. she took me to doctor and i went to psychiatric hospital. i was given a lot of medications and i dont remember much else.

[Shell]

Yes, I believe I dealt with depression during my childhood.  I dealt with many horrible things growing up and then a death of a very close and needed friend early in my teenage years kind of topped it off.  My depression took on a twisted turn.  Once I hit 15, I went on an extreme roller coaster of self destruction.  I sought love in bad people and hurt those who were good to me.  I seemed to need pain.

Finally, I think I just hit a wall.  I think I was at a climax in my self destructive ways and locked myself in the bathroom.  I just remember letting the shower run and holding a razor.  But I couldn't do it.  I just remember being really sad and angry.  A few days later, someone in my family pulled me aside for a midnight chat.  He told me that he recognized bad signs in me and he was very concerned.  He said I was very withdrawn and unreachable.  It made me realize that someone out there actually cared for me.  Someone noticed.  I stopped thinking about suicide and drove my anger and sadness to the paper.  I wrote a lot of poetry and still continued with bad relationships, but I didn't turn to suicide anymore.

[daftcow]

I decided that the only way out for me was suicide. I thought I was so useless and unlovable that everyone was better off without me. Unfortunately I never had the guts to go through with it, I am too much of a coward.

[SWM]

when i started this thread i was thinking about how common it is for people to have sucidal thoughts. i dont mean that suicidal thoughts are part of a normal mentally healthy person. what i was thinking is that many people experience suicidal thoughts at some point in their life and recover from this to live a normal life.

i wonder about what would have happend to me if i had not gone to my mum at that time. i would never have gone into hospital and the following years of psychiatric treatment would not have happened. even though that psychiatric treatment appeared to make my situation worse, i wonder if i would have got worse without that treatment. i was certainly living in a disordered version of reality already.

when i think about that situation now, i realise that i probably would have taken my own life at some point if my i had continued in my own reality, without the intervention from the mental health services.

cecile
do you ever think of writing about your experiences? like in a biography rather than poetry or a journal.

i think about writing my experiences all the time and i know that this well be a great help for me. however i cannot bring myself to commit the time to work on getting things down. i am conscious of the possibility that i may forget things that happened or they become distorrted and that concerns me. i just dont have enough motivation yet, i geuss.

ali
hi,
nice to see you back here.