How to help someone

[samsung]

An ex of mine, who still has very strong ‘feelings’ for me which I assumed were manipulative behaviour has bipolar. It only came to my attention when I saw him lose control and attack me consistently until I had to calm him down using very sensitive behaviour. I had to say that we will get through this (& as he saw a possibility of getting back with me he calmed down) Now I can’t be with him as he has cheated on me numerous times, but I still care for him & want him to seek help which he is not considering at all. He lives alone & has no family & friends in London. His mother has bipolar but I cannot get in touch with any1. he doesn’t want me as a friend no more & I don’t want to lie & give him hope of a relationship (manipulate his emotions) just to get him help. What should I do… I can’t seem to get through to him. After everything he has put me through I still don’t hold a grudge against him as I know its an illness.
I come from a strict family and can’t confide in any1.. am really worried & scared for him. Any advice??

[SWM]

hi samsung,

first has your friend been diagnosed by a psychiatrist?

 if he definitely has bipolar here are some good places to start understanding the illness?

NICE produce guidelines for clinicians and advice for family and friend for all mental health problems. here is there advice and guidance for bipolar
http://guidance.nice.org.uk/CG38

NHS information about bipolar http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Bipolar-disorder/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Bipolar Affective Disorder used to be called Manic depression, the Manic Depression Foundation has a lot of information and useful ways to get support for sufferers of bipolar http://www.mdf.org.uk/?o=56878

and some more information from reliable source http://www.warwickshire.nhs.uk/KnowledgeAndAdvice/Knowledge/PatientInfo/ConditionDetail.aspx?Title=Bipolar-disorder&DisplayTitle=Bipolar+disorder


i guess that when you ask for advice you want someone to tell you what to do, it is not easy to say what you should do.considet that if you are going to continue a relationship  either as a friend or a helper you should be consitent in the role that you take. you will need to be aware of your own needs in that relationship. also are you able to give what he is likely to take and take what he may possibly give, bearing in mind that someone with bipolar can at times be extremely impulsive and selfish. are you able to put yourself in that position to be hurt and forgive in that way.


(i am assuming you are female, sorry there is no indication in your post or profile)
if you think about the relationship that you have had with him and how he treated you that will be an indication of how he will treat you as a friend or a helper.

i am not sure if any of that helps you, i dont know if you have any specific concerns or questions.

hope you work things out.

[samsung]

Thanks...

he is not seeking help, he doesnt believe something is wrong with him, should i manipulate his feelings to take him to the doctor as no1 else is around..

if i can't be consistent in his care... who can help? - a part of me is scared of him... the other part of me can lash out as i have been so used to being angry at him aswell... if i cant help him completely i just want to walk away knowing he is ok.

he has talked about suicide, sworn when he hears birds chirping etc etc... no1 else knows all this so i feel mayb i should be the one to help him...

[SWM]

really important questions, has he been diagnosed with bipolar by a psychiatrist? has he been talking about suicide recently?

some more Q's
how old is he? is he currenlty high or low? how long has he had symptoms of bipolar? has he had previous episodes?
 

[samsung]

he hasn't been diagnosed. His mother has it, & he has been trying to manage it himself (deep down he knows he has it, just doesnt want to admit it).
Now ive got him talking he has admitted he has been like this since his teens. he is now 26,
he had to take care of his mum.
he says he is scared of the side effects of medications & thinks that being on them will make him boring.
He had put on an act he was fine & i had only heard stories about the way he behaved, so i didnt believe it & thought they were rumors.

Until i saw things for myself... (the same person who shows me love & kindness, one minute can attack me with a hammer the next).. the moment i saw him have an episode i believed everything i had heard.

I am currently keeping him calm... although he is doing things without thinking about it.. buying apartment he cant afford, kittens, and now booked a holiday for him alone.

i feel bad as he has changed so much since the relationship ended. i feel responsable but i am taking him to doctors tommorow...
Everything he has done to me in the past 3 years now makes sense to me.. i just wish he had told me about it.

[SWM]

i guess you will have been to the doctor by now, i am wondering how things went.

[samsung]

well i have had to break contact as he sort of has feelings for me & i cant put myself or him through the 'manipulation' thing. It became really difficult for me to cope. I have advised him to take action before things get worse & told his current girlfriend. He emailed me saying he went to the doctors & apparently its just 'depression' & hell be fine. I told him that i knw thats not possible because i knw wat i saw & it was not controllable behaviour. I dont know what to do... but as im not involved anymore & have told him n someone else i think ive my done my bit???. I just pray & hope he gets well soon.. he is such a nice person at heart but i cnt be there with him all the time as i have restrictions at home aswell...

[voodoo scientist]

Manipulating people you have long-term relationships with (significant others, friends, coworkers, etc) is a dangerous practice. It becomes twice as dangerous if you think you're doing it for their "own good". Avoid this, you're only making things worse. At the end of the day, people are responsible for their own lives, not you - he will get help if it's important to him.