i've been self punishing myself can someone help me stop.

[rolyreefer]

i've just realised that i have been self punishing my self for over 2 years for the way i have treated my mother whilst i've been looking after her.  i can't stop it or forgive myself because i still think i deserve it.  i have also been messing m whole life up for the way i treated my mother as kid.  i can change opinions or beliefs, but i do need evidence that i wrong and i can't tell myself coz it doesn't work.

I have looked after my mother for seven years, she has Huntington’s disease and when I came back from Spain I stayed for a bit but felt sorry for her because she did nothing at the time and lives on her own and her friends said that she was much happier since id moved back.  i do shout

she is very difficult to live with as my sister said (and always has been) and I was never liked living with her as a kid, but we did get on well when we lived apart. she doesn't listen to anything I say nor believe a word I say. I tell her things literally five times in the same conversation nicely and she still doesn't get it into her head. she screams at me all of the time for things that aren't my fault - such as when I won't phone the carers because they aren’t late and she screamed at me yesterday because she overslept and thought I had turned her alarm clock off. . she doesn't answer questions so I ask her nicely 5 times what she has done to tv and she won't evre tell me if you shout at her a few times she quite often answers, but not always. a lot of them time we aregu she won't stop - never - no matter how many times you tell her - f you tell her to ff off she still doesn't stop the only way to shut her up is to walk out of the hosue. I have runied 5 pairs of shoesbecause of that when I have walked out in shoes that can't handle rain, but often in rain.

on top of that she also treats me liek a lot of women treat their boyfriends / husbands - deliberatly winding me up. she often diliberaely gets in the way, especially when she does somethig wrong or I / she are late. she has the tv blasting usually around 40-50 when there' nothing wrong with her hearing. if I have heavy nights on the drink and I ask her to leave me alone and she won't and does my head in even more.

this started when i decided to go to spain just over 2 years ago, when i messed up my loan application so i couldn't take it out, making me miss six months of payments and going out there with hardly any money.  to cut a long story short, my trip to spain, when i had £2000 which run to every quickly. my car was towed away and cost £1000, which was worth the same as the car and my landlady kicked me out of my flat 2 days before Christmas, when i was 3 weeks late with the rent. none of my friend could or would let me stay, so i spent 2 nights sleeping rough on xmas eve and day. i ended up staying with some friends for the next couple of weeks, because most of my friends were 30ks away i hardly saw any of them and sat on my own most of the time. this whole spain thing cost me £6,000.

I haven't had a job for 2 years and my creditors take all of the spare money I have, so I sit on my own all day every day. I don’t have any friend s in fleet, so I can't even go round peoples houses because all of my friends are a train ride away. I do voluntary work and  I am always late for work, which i hate it. once a month I am on time. I had to stop buying stuff on the internet for mum because 4 lost or messed up orders aswell as the one that messed me around. everyone messes me around nearly all the time and it often takes 10 or 15 times to get something sorted. the most recent time being my dentist who messes me around loads of times to get my appointment moved later but ended up the next week... he has also cost me £150 in 3 wasted appointments for the 2 appointments I have left for some work I had done 21/2 years ago (it was me that disappeared for 18 moths, until I got a tax rebate, which has a all be taken off me by god. I still haven't got the implant fitted because he has forgotten it/drill last week. every time I phone or e-mail him he forgets to do what I ask, but he has his own practice and couldn’t treat his other patients like that or he would be out of business..  i also stitch myself up all the time costing myself lots of hassle or money every day where i often have warnings which i ignore.  i drop tea every day, most of the cigarettes i smoke downstairs, but some upstairs.  i drop everything else.  it never stops.  i mess myself up loads of times every single day.


i started messing my whole life up when i was a kid, when i got into trouble a lot with police a few times as a juvenile aswell as at school for a few years. the police came to mums work a few times and school, plus i stole money from her mostly to feed a gambling (fruit machines) habit. it was just a stage i went through because i don't do anything like that anymore for about 20 years.

i had noticed that some of it was happening. everything goes wrong for me, every time i get some money it goes on living expenses, every christmas i have my christmas stitchup, which is either unemployment or my car costs me £400, and never £700 or £200. every birthday and christmas, if i don't spend my mum’s birthday money on living expenses i wreck 2 of my work clothes. every time i buy some clothes that i really like i ruin them in a week. i even have a name for all the money that i have been cost, i call it stitch up money, because it is money that stitches up roly and doesn't happen to normal people.

i have also spent half of my life out of work and didn't look in the right direction for work (office career job)till i was about 25 when i got sick of it. there is a lot more attributable to me messing up my life.  i have always thought that psychological torture is a lot worse that beating someone up.

please can someone help me sort this out. thanks ever so much.

[gone]

First off I feel for you and recognise you are experiencing difficulty. I am sympathetic to that.

I also recognise that you are very negative in your attitude towards yourself. You believe you've messed things up. Why? Because of social & cultural conditioning, you have been mislead (like everyone else) to believe a sucessful life is a career & wealth & popularity. You haven't failed, if anything you have succeeded against the machine.

And therefore you shouldn't feel a failure.
Your mother must be difficult and trying. But please try to accept her for her ways. It's the way she is, some people derive enjoyment from anoying others, I could never understand how personally, but you have to recognise people are different if and when you can accept that, she will stop winding you up. She may wind you up to get a reaction, or to hurt you or whatever I don't know but I know that her actions are 'motivated' by something (all actions are motivated and nearly always selfishly) And when you understand that, you may understand & accept her more. (even if that means accepting her as an UNREASONABLE person)

You think you are alone in what happens to you. Absolutely not. Infact the less money you have, the more it's taken away from you, that's not just you but everyone who's skint. And it's very hard to organise finances with no real finances. You really are not the only one but you think you are. You focus on these and how things go wrong for you and beleive the world is against you. But this is a state of mind. You have allowed them to happen, basically.

If you don't keep on top of things they will get out of control, you haven't been the best at organising as it seems and the things that happen are a result of your chaotic and unorganised way. But again this is not wrong, it's a difference. It's not you messing up. But it's a difference that is making you suffer.

And there is a different way. You can re-gain control of your life. You must realise though NO ONE can change it for you. You are writing here for help, like someone can help you, NO THEY CAN'T. Can you see how rely on others, then when the fail to deliver you get down on yourself and probably feel it's your fault because you messed up again. Most people are shit horrible selfish people. YOU/people can not rely on others for anything. When you realise this, it make make you realise only you alone has the power to change yourself and you life for the better.

But it starts with a change of attitude.

Dump the 'I mess up' attitude and replace it with 'I can do anything' attitude. Take control of your life, instead of life taking control of you and you will be early for your work. You won't drop things or let people walk all over you. Take control ie: when your feeling the heat of your mothers ways, put on your rainproof shoes and walk, before it gets too much. That is taking control.

Hope this helps, but really only you can help yourself. And it begins with a change of attitude.

[rolyreefer]

i can't forgive myself for what i have done and i need to do that before i can get on with my life.  i've been so awful to her and i don't feel i deserve forgiveness, maybe because of her huntingtons.  she  has been quite bad with it for the last 3 years, she moves constantly, her face is deformed and she is very difficult to understand.  i do feel that i could have tried much harder to put up with it all, rather than shouting and swearing at her.  thanks a lot.

[NataEames]

It is in human nature to misjudge when we do not understand something.

What matters is that you understand now what you have done wrong and if you cannot forgive yourself, then at least stop pitying yourself and try to make amends.