I'm going to go ahead and say this. I like to masturbate. I do so every night and sometimes more than once a day. But thats not the problem I want to talk about. Recently I have taken a sexual interest in survivor rape stories. I feel like one of the victimizers and to be honest, I might be. I've always read stories about rape and masturbated to them but they were always erotic stories that didn't even really happen. It wasn't until I read the survivor sights that this sick habit started and I can't stop. I even read the story of Lara Logan and masturbated to it. What's worse is that I especially like to read the ones involving childhood abuse and this just makes me feel much worse. I'm afraid of becoming a pedophile or rapist (or worse, both) just as much as I'm afraid of becoming violent. Its especially bad because the people I make friends with have been abused and the reason I talk to these people is so I can help. But how can I help if I become a rapists myself. As far as rape goes, the only fantasies I have are about torturing the victimizer to death (not sexually). I want to stop! Its extremely disrespectful to the victim.
I'm 15 years old and have been bullied (I don't know if you can call that abuse) by my classmates until I started becoming violent. I would never hurt a victim and I would try to help others, even bullies these days. My teachers even say that I have a good soul (whatever that means). My cousin bullied me a lot and sexually abused me when I was four and he was eight. Please, I don't want to do this anymore. I want to leave my brutish side as a fantasy and have it NOT become reality!
