life so far

[surfratnj]

Hello,
This is my first post so I'm not sure if this is the right place, but I have to vent a little.  I'm 23 and male.  I'm just going to sum up and highlight the mental problems I've had so far in life.  I remember getting behavior problem notes sent home with me in first and second grade a lot, but I would always tear them up and throw them away before my parents would see them (some system they had).  I took an IQ test in fourth grade and was put into advanced classes, I did well in school up until 9th grade when I just "didn't want to do it anymore",  I failed classes because I didn't care at all.  I hated every second of everyday and had no idea why, I literally did not want to do anything except be alone and play guitar.  Before this I had a girlfriend I would see once in a while and talk to on the phone for hours on end every night for one and a half years, we really did love each other (as much as it could be at that age) then out of nowhere I just flipped out on her over the phone, cursed her out called her every bad name possible and made her cry.  I hated everything about life and these were the first times I thought about suicide.  Then I moved elsewhere to live full time.  My friends got into weed and stuff and all I would do was smoke every day.  I began to care less and less about life and school.  I hated school, I was in all honors classes somehow but my brain just felt blank everyday.  I would drink and smoke weed in the morning before school, alone, I was depressed a lot and could best describe my day to day life as being trapped in a box.  I slowly withdrew from everything and everyone except for some close friends and dropped out of school 5 months before graduating.  I was tired all the time and all I would do was sleep.  Before I dropped out I would sleep from 9:00-6:30 and then sleep for two hours after school.  Now before I go on I should say there were times inbetween where I never felt depressed at all.  I would feel so great and think what the hell was I doing during those time periods that was stupid.  Suddenly life was really great again, I would be social again and make a lot of new friends.  Everything would just feel amazing, I would have so much energy I wouldn't know what do with it yet I can't focus it, but I would have tons of energy, I wouldn't sleep much and get really into my hobbies.  Luckily I was a able to get a really good full time job.  I thought it was amazing, the people were cool and I enjoyed the physical labor because I loved to use all my energy.  I thought I was really something there I asked to take on as many responsibilities as possible and I wanted as much overtime as possible, a typical day would be wake up at 4:00 am make my breakfast and lunch and if I wasn't working overtime I would surf, fish or run until 7:00 am then I would commute an hour, I would work my ass off all day until 7:30 pm, usually without even stopping for lunch and then commute the hour back home, and either do some hobby stuff or hang out with my friends until 12:00-1:00am, all I could say is I was just excited about everything.  One day I got up at 4:00 am surfed for 3 hours drove to work, worked all day then drove alone straight through to my friends house in Miami (I'm in Jersey) arrived there at 5:00 pm the next and hung out until 11:30 like nothing happened.   I did this for a year and then crashed around Christmas, I used up all my sick days and even a couple unpaid days and pretty much said f u to working there.  It was like someone pulled the rug out and that depression thing was back, nothing external changed in my life.  Luckily, because of family connections I was able to get a transfer to the job I'm in now which is a great job and doesn't allow me to do too much just by the nature of it.  I've been there two years and have been pretty stable with it though in the beginning I had a few problems.  I was really depressed last march through June and ended up slicing up my arm pretty good, i know that is stupid but it really felt pretty good.  Then when summer started all of that was gone again and I was high again.  Everything was amazing, all I wanted to do was meet and be around as many people as possible, surf as much as possible just be on all the time.  I felt life is just so good, my friends are the best, my life is the best, all I wanted to do was do I went all summer without feeling depressed once or sleeping more then a few hours a night.  I spent my whole paycheck on fireworks for the 4th.  And when I would wake up in the morning I would just jump out of bed excited to start the day.  So that's pretty much it, I should also say I have social anxiety a lot, especially when I'm low.  I've never really been able to have a stable girlfriend even though girls throw themselves at me. As a background my father had a schizophrenic breakdown about 9 years ago, he thought he was hearing voices from god and had to be institutionalized for a month, he would always be moody all the time and when "god was talking to him" it was like he was in another world.  My uncle on that side may have been bipolar, he would be really great and then just withdraw for a while.  I haven't seen them in a few years.  Luckily on my mom's side everyone is stable and has great mental health.  And externally my life is amazing and there is no reason any of the crap I wrote about should have ever happened to me but I'm telling you my moods are as real as taking drugs.  Like take acid and try to be normal is the same as when I'm depressed trying to be normal it just doesn't work.  So sometimes I feel like I am the greatest and life is amazing and everyone thinks I'm just incredible, everything is going to work out i want to just do do do, to life on earth is hell and misery I hate my life I'm a loser being around people is exhausting and everyone hates me, all I want to do is sleep and eat and there is no chance I will ever have anything that resembles a normal life and cutting myself and fantasizing about suicide (which I will never do because I know this is temporary) is all i can do.  No matter where I am I can never really concentrate, or rather I always feel like my mind is separate from what I'm doing if that makes any sense, it's really hard for me to ever complete any goal beyond a few days.  I live at home and my future is blank, I feel like that part of me that is supposed to make a life for myself isn't there.  I know I should see a psych again but they never really helped, or i didn't let them help (I'm a good faker that everything is fine at least so I think).  The only people that now this stuff is my immediate family and closest friends but I know others can see that I'm not always the same person, i never whine about any of it but people notice the physical changes that happen like the look on my face or my eyes, or if i just flip out in a rage and break old surfboards with a sledgehammer.  Any ideas what all this crap is?