My Self Diagnosis Attempt.

[Propagandapanda]

Lately I've decided to re-examine myself and see what my deal is. This is gonna be pretty long I think, but It will be as accurate and include everything I can think of, I'm nto sure it matters what my "problem" might be, I probably won't do anything about it, but the "mystery" to solve is fun.

- I'm 26.
- When I was a kid (11-14) I got in a lot of fights. For no reason at all. Anything would set me off. I was told it was just a short temper. I wasn't sadistic at all; didn't torture animals or anything like that.
- I did lie a bit tho, maybe more than average.
- Always had good grades. 3.9GPA in high school. Dropped out of first semester of college cus I was bored.
- Had about 5-6 Jobs in a year. Went to a technical school and dropped out of boredom again.
- Joined the USMC. Did just over a year, before my personality caused enough problems that they just decided to kick me out. Paperwork says "Personality Disorder". Shrink wrote that on there, not sure from what info tho.
- Got married to someone I didn't love, for the money when I was in the USMC too. Got divorced when I got out.
- Ended up having a baby with the same women a year later. Still didn't love her.
- Just graduated from college with a 4.0 in Business (2 year degree). Really more of a reason to let me take whatever classes I wanted. I'll probably keep gong as long as they give me free classes.

So that's a brief history.
Now on to my personality.

- I lie a lot, probably compulsively. It's an effort not to lie I think. Even writing this and when I analyze myself, I have to make an effort not to lie to myself. I almost lied like 4-5 times writing the history. But only about myself. as long as it helps me I lie. (But not about say: a friend cheating on his wife. see below)
- I'm pretty narcissistic. Probably close to the point, if not AT, the point of NPD.
- I'm really smart and extremely logical. I don't apply myself at school. I don't pay attention, I don't study, I don't take notes, but I get great grades. My logic overtakes just about everything I do. If it isn't logical, it baffles me. But I find illogical things interesting, because I want to figure it out.
- I'm careless, as in I don't care about anyone, at all. I said I have a daughter, and I find it really difficult to care. When my Ex has her, i rarely call, I don't think about her, and when I have her I barely pay attention to her. My ex used to have seizures and I was completely careless when she had them. didn't bother me one bit. I found them bothersome more than anything. When people are sick, even fatally, I don't care.
- I can feel, at least I think so... I've been sad and depressed, and happy, at least as I understand those feelings. I find it strange that I don't care and I am the way I am, but I'm not sure I'm too bothered by it. So I don't think I'm a psychopath or a sociopath. I've laughed and cried before.
- I'm are ridiculously unmotivated. I don't think I've had the motivation to do much of anything. I don't have a good job at the moment, but I don't care. I go to college more to learn about random crap and avoid "Cabin Fever" than anything else.
- I don't think I'm impulsive or spontaneous, those are the same as far as I understand them... I'm calculating more than anything. Everything is planned. not to some extreme level of detail, but planned regardless.
- I'm brutally honest to others. But not about myself. I don't care how badly it will hurt people or screw up a situation, unless the situation is bad for me.
- I know everyone, and everyone knows me, but I'm not friends with anyone. I don't make any efforts at friendships. I don't call or txt or talk to people except when around where those people are found. I don't hang out with them. Some people think I'm friendly, those who have been around me more often thing I'm a nice guy who is way too honest. Just the idea I want them to have I guess.
- I can be pretty manipulative, and I tend to be. I'll use people when it suits me to do so. I won't feel guilty about it.
- This was a bigger issue, but it's not as much any more. I used to never admit to being wrong, and I would never take the blame. It was always someone or something else. I think I do this less to save time, since the other way around was just tedious to deal with. The people were tedious...
- I get bored ridiculously easy, and I hate it. I think this is obvious by my history. I've held almost 30 different jobs. Quit all of them from getting tired of it. same with most hobbies and school and so on.
- Contrary to planning everything, I have made no goals for the future. Realistic or otherwise.
- I'm not a criminal in anyway, but I think that's more to do with the fact that jail and all that nonsense would be in efficient use of my time. I did work at a jail and get along better with the inmates the the other employees tho. I do find the idea of major crimes like rape, murder and things of that nature to be completely wrong.
- I think A LOT. I over analyze almost everything I'm told. Break it down into little pieces and try to find meaning in it. I tend to explain everything in too much depth to everyone if they don't understand something or if they got it wrong. I give more info than is needed when doing this.

Anyway I think that's all I can get at the moment. When I read into most of this its seems almost borderline personality disorder, or maybe even sociopathy. But neither fit well enough, there are things here and there that point me towards something else. Something I obviously haven't read about. It seems my personality stems from the ridiculously logical view I see everything with. I'm inclined to say my intelligence has something to do with it all, but I figure it's just part of the logic thing. There is obviously tons more about me that can be factored in, but there has to be a line somewhere. A solution that includes or explains the rest of the other tiny little details. I can almost associate some of this to schizotypal personality disorder, but when reading into that, I seem much less extreme, but it does apply, but only a bit. Same thing with the sociopathy, or borderline personality disorder.
It's obviously some type of Personality disorder. I can rule out Histrionic, Dependant, and OCD. I fit very little of the Avoidant symptoms. Really I can probably rule out Borderline, and paranoid as well.
I do fit all the "Rules" of personality disorder, except I don't know if this has always be en the same or if its more recent. most of this has been the same for a long time, most have gotten worse. I can't rule out some form of brain damage or anything like that, since I haven't had any of that checked.

Anyway, that's what I've got. I welcome any input, questions and such. I'll probably share more of this when it comes to me and as I learn more.

[Nivleonus]

Sounds to me like you should do a little research into Childhood Attachments.

I suppose your given history isn''t much use in this case.

Can you explain what it was like in your family household?
Did you have a positive Mother + Father figure?
Were your parents around you alot?
Did your parents have time to play with you?
Were you brought up outside of having a stable set of parents?
Were you brought up by carers that changed alot?
Can you remember being angry before 11?
Do you feel you were loved as a child?

Obviously you have trouble forming relationships,
Do you feel it's because you don't want friends?
Do you feel that people don't want to be friends with you?
Do you feel as though it is impossible to care about anyone but yourself?
Do you think that you don't really try with anything?
Do you think that you have a good sense of personallity?
Do you think there is going to be anything you want to do?

On a side note...
Do you play a lot of online games?
If yes, What type do you play most of?
If no, What do you do with your time?

[Propagandapanda]

Can you explain what it was like in your family household?
Good Family. No abuse, we were raised fairly. I have 3 brothers (1 older, 2 younger). Only 2 years apart each about.

Did you have a positive Mother + Father figure?
My parents were both rather positive I guess. they never told us we couldn't do something we wanted (sports, arts and such).

Were your parents around you a lot?
My father was a around a bit more than my mother, she worked nights. But she worked 4-5 days a week at most.

Did your parents have time to play with you?
They had time to play with us. We did some family things. But nothing major. No big trips or vacations or anything.

Were you brought up outside of having a stable set of parents?
No one else raised us. There was only one time when I was 14 that I stayed with my god parents for a month because we moved and I needed to finish he school year.

Were you brought up by carers that changed a lot?
Nope. not really we had baby sitters sometimes and they changed as we moved. We moved every 1-2 years. Never too far except a few times.

Can you remember being angry before 11?
Not that I recall, my memory of anything before 10 is pretty fuzzy.

Do you feel you were loved as a child?
I think so, yeah.

Obviously you have trouble forming relationships,
Do you feel it's because you don't want friends?
Partly yeah. I don't see the need for them. I figure if I need something from someone I get that and then move on. I see people as assets more than anything... When I move one i won't necessarily do something negative, cus they might be useful later.

Do you feel that people don't want to be friends with you?
It seems like people have no trouble trying to be friends with me. Actually people seem to be attracted to me and tend to see me as leader. Its strange because some of them are clearly being used, but they stick around...

Do you feel as though it is impossible to care about anyone but yourself?
uhm... I guess. I don't see much reason to worry about them, it isn't my problem and it doesn't affect me, so I don't care.

Do you think that you don't really try with anything?
hmmm, that's a tough one. I don't try with quite a few things, but that's mainly because I get bored of that thing. If its a hobby or something I pick it up quickly and then I get bored. Certain things I enjoy doing and I don't stop with those. Like analyzing things, and people. Or puzzles, math and such.

Do you think that you have a good sense of personality?
Not sure what you mean. Like a good sense of judging personality? If so, then yes. If you mean do I think I have a good personality, then by societies standards, not at all. By my standards I think my personality is better, and more logical... If that made any sense.

Do you think there is going to be anything you want to do?
I'm not sure. I have ideas of things that I might want to try, because I might like them.

On a side note...
Do you play a lot of online games?
Nope. I don't like them really. I'd rather read a book or something like that. I did play games a lot before, not so much anymore. but always single player games, like role playing games.

If yes, What type do you play most of?
n/a

If no, What do you do with your time?
Read a lot of books. Watch a lot of educational videos. I like the videos from Academic Earth; Free videos of college classes. I like science type stuff and philosophy, and sociology.

If the answers aren't informative enough I can give more info, just ask. I'm surprised at how many aspects I missed when analyzing myself. Good questions; I look forward to seeing how they help narrow down my issues.

[Nivleonus]

Ah, something you said interests me, could you go into a bit more detail about you and your family moving every 1-2 years?

At what age did this start?
Were the environments quite a bit different from each other?
What were the main reasons your family moved alot?
Did you mind changing school alot?

Also another side note
Do you feel you have a good sense of identity? i.e do you feel you know who you are?
Also when did your mother work nights? At what age about did she start?
Were you placed in day care as a child?

[Propagandapanda]

At what age did this start?
As far as I can remember I think.

Were the environments quite a bit different from each other?
Not usually, the moves were never too far, maybe half an hour at most. Same type of place. spent 2 years in the same school district most of the time. And every now and then we'd move far away enough to be a bit different. But I wasn't bothered by it. never made a fuss about moving.

What were the main reasons your family moved alot?
I think it was my parents work and leases ending I guess. I'd have to ask my parents.

Did you mind changing school alot?
Nope. Not at all.

Also another side note
Do you feel you have a good sense of identity? i.e do you feel you know who you are?
Absolutely. I question where I'm going sometimes, but it's short lived. I don't care enough to worry about it.

Also when did your mother work nights? At what age about did she start?
As far as I can remember. I don't think she ever worked days. She's mentioned working days but never being into it.

Were you placed in day care as a child?
Nope, My father was usually around to watch us for the most part. We did have some babysitters but not very often.

I did suspect the moving had something to do with it all. Just not much...

[Nivleonus]

There is this hypothesis of a disorder called Repetative Conditioning Disorder.

The idea is basically based around learning theory... If one/ones body learns a certain type of behaviour then it becomes imprinted in the persons psyche/physical body. For example if a person stays up late to play a computer game for a few days then the person in question will find after this period that they will have problems sleeping at a normal time after the period has passed.

In the same way if a person, i.e yourself, learns that it is not a good idea to form strong bonds with anyone because you will probably have moved in a few years anyway then that person may find that they are unwilling/unable to change this behaviour even if the situation of moving around a lot changes.

So at least part of your analysis would have to include that the reason you don't make friends or bond with people is based around this learned behaviour.

[Propagandapanda]

I had thought of that. I never put to much thought into it beyond that however, simply because it seems like my behavior was a bit more extreme then the situation warrants. I would have to agree that its a big part of why I am the way I am, at least a precursor to it all.
Does that make sense? I mean the Repetitive conditioning disorder only seems to be something that "starts" a problem. Which then leads to other issues. Or is that wrong?

[Nivleonus]

Well it is more like the idea that once the process is started it is hard to change... the process in your unfortunate case is that you were moved around alot so that you were unable to form any real relationships with people. So now that you don't move you can't make any real relationships because you have been programmed that way. In a sense it is easier for you to not make relationships, to not care about others, and to keep things the way they are, basically because you never know when the person will be gone. This also relates to Emotional Protectivity, that you don't want to let people in incase they hurt you. Which would probably explain the reason you were unable to connect with your exwife on a deeper level, part of you was probably attracted to the idea of her, the idea of having the possibility to let someone else in, however a your logical mind would have pointed out in the end 'EVERYONE LEAVES' or atleast everyone disappears, so it would be more sensible to keep closed contact at your end.

[Propagandapanda]

Is it a valid explanation for the lack of interest in anything? The quick boredom and over analysis of everything, the need for plans and so on?

I haven't been able to find anything on "RCD" so that's why I'm asking. I don't care about that being the way I am, but I wouldn't mind finding out more about it.

If you have anything on it I wouldn't mind looking into it.

[Nivleonus]

Unfortunately RCD isn't very well known about or researched as a disorder. However I can give a relatively short description that may help.

Basically the idea behind RCD is that as a child people learn things to protect themselves, for example a child touches something hot, s/he doesn't touch it again (as a mental responce to a physical stimuli). In the same way as a child we can program ourselves to protect ourselves mentally by shutting people out, seperating ourselves from our emotions, and various other things. If you would want to do anything about it you would literally be trying to reprogram something that has been like that for a very extended period of time, it is possible, however it would take a lot of work. If you are happy the way you are then there is no reason to stop your behaviour, unless of course you get to a point in your life where you suddenly think 'what was it all for?' If you do crash then it would be harder than changing yourself now.

[Propagandapanda]

I understand RCD enough from that, and from the psychology classes and books I've had. I don't plan on changing, I don't think there is much wrong with my personality. I find it useful. Thanks for the information. It's interesting to get other peoples opinions on things.

I still think there is more to it than just RCD. There are other parts of my personality that are "off" from what is generally considered as "normal" But this is definitely a big part of of where it all began.

[alloker]

All non-organic mental disorders are caused by unbearably harmful failures that could not be terminated or are expected to be repeated. Their symptoms are automatic self-protection responses. They serve to (a) terminate and prevent the failures and their harmful consequences of all types, (b) attribute the failures to external causes, and (c) balance the harmful effect of failures on mental health through successes that may be unrealistic and even irrational. The ultimate aim is to protect mental health, at least by preventing its further deterioration. The type (c) symptoms occur in severe disorders caused by long-lasting or repeated harmful failures that cannot be dealt with adequately by types (a) and (b) symptoms. You exhibit all three of these types of symptom, and my diagnosis is a mild case of paranoid schizophrenia.

You are somewhat right in saying, “I can almost associate some of this to schizotypal personality disorder.” Schizophrenia is caused  by long-lasting mastery, or control, failures, i.e., by failing to master the environment sufficiently and by being controlled and used  by others.  You must have experienced such failures as a child and also later as a result of moving every 1-2 years with your family. Nivleonus rightly suspected harmful consequences of some events of your childhood and of moving too often with your family.

Schizophrenic symptoms can involve violence, and you say, “When I was a kid (11-14) I got in a lot of fights.”  You also say  “My memory of anything before 10 is pretty fuzzy.” This suggests that you may have repressed some mastery failures that you suffered before age 10. This is a possibility despite the fact you don’t remember being abused as a child, because most of your symptoms are schizophrenia symptoms of type (c), as explained below.

You lie a lot, because through lying you master and shape the reality as you wish. You are bored easily and stop doing what you are doing, because continuing to do the same thing looks to you like being forced to do it, and you therefore stop doing it to prove your independence.

“Got married to someone I didn't love, for the money when I was in the USMC too. Got divorced when I got out.” That was using her, mastering her.

You liked to “take whatever classes I wanted,”  because this proved that you were not controlled by others.

“I analyze myself”  and   “I'm really smart and extremely logical,”  because these serve to master yourself, to put yourself in order. 

“My logic overtakes just about everything I do. If it isn't logical, it baffles me. But I find illogical things interesting, because I want to figure it out,”  because this gives you a chance to master and arrange everything. 

“I don't apply myself at school. I don't pay attention, I don't study, I don't take notes,”  because you are expected to do  these things and therefore doing them would give you the impression of being forced by others to do them.

“I'm careless, as if I don't care about anyone, at all. . . .My ex used to have seizures and I was completely careless when she had them. didn't bother me one bit. “  This is the opposite of what people would expect from you.

“I'm ridiculously unmotivated” because motivation looks like slavery to you.

 “I go to college more to learn about random crap” because this proves that you are free to do what you like to do, that you are not obliged to do anything you don’t want to do.

”I don't think I'm impulsive or spontaneous . . . .I'm calculating more than anything,”  because you want to be consciously the master of yourself, of your behavior. “

“I can be pretty manipulative, and I tend to be. I'll use people when it suits me to do so. I won't feel guilty about it,” because this behavior and all others interpreted above constitute symptoms of schizophrenia in the form of mastery successes that serve to compensate the harmful effect of past mastery failures on your mental health, i.e., type (c) symptoms. They can also be considered indirectly type (a) symptoms, because realizing mastery successes means not experiencing mastery failures.

“I'm not a criminal in anyway, but I think that's more to do with the fact that jail and all that nonsense would be inefficient use of my time.”  You are right, because being jailed would be the most unbearable mastery failure.

“I over analyze almost everything I'm told. Break it down into little pieces and try to find meaning in it.”  This constitutes mastery success.

“I don't make any efforts at friendships.”  This is a symptom of paranoia, which is a disorder caused by social failures. Not wanting to have friends prevents further social failures in the form of losing friends, i.e.,  it is a type (a) symptom of paranoia; and it also means that you don’t have friends because you don’t want to have any, which is a type (b) symptom of paranoia.

“If I need something from someone I get that and then move on.”  This means that you leave them, not the other way around. This is a type (b) symptom of paranoia, but it is also a type(c) symptom of schizophrenia, because it means mastery success.

It is thus possible to say without doubt that you are suffering from a mild case of paranoid schizophrenia, neglecting the subclasses of these disorders. But it is not sufficiently clear why you have this disorder. Moving every 1-2 years with your family may have separated you from some much valued friends and may additionally have been evaluated by you as mastery failure. You may also have experienced some mastery and social failures before age 10 and may have repressed them.

You can profit from discovering you past failures, because you will find out that they occurred because of harmful external conditions that were accidentally realized and that you could do nothing to prevent them. I recommend you to question yourself in bed as follows before you fall asleep: “What happened in my childhood? What went wrong? What have I done wrong?”  The answers may come in dreams, because I know that this happens in neuroses and I think that it may happen in your case too. Clarifying past failures and their causes constitutes cognitive therapy.

Behavior therapy consists of realizing successes that counter the harmful effect of past failures on mental health.  I found the following exercise very useful. You need a partner to do this exercise. You will give orders to him or her such as the following, and he or she will obey them: “Sit here!. Put your right hand on your head, and your left hand on your right knee! Now put your hands in your pockets and get up? . . .” You can also determine your partner’s posture with your hands. This exercise produces good results very fast. But you can realize lasting amelioration only by securing mastery and social successes of several types by arranging the circumstances to make this possible.

[Propagandapanda]

Good post Alloker.

Even if the past is the cause, assuming the condition wont get worse, wouldn't be the brightest idea I assume? Its sort of feeds itself, right? So If I do nothing to fix it, looking at paranoid schizophrenia would be give a clue as to how bad it could get?

As for the cause, I do have knowledge of my past before 10, a lot of it is manufactured (In the sense that they are memories that I've made based on what my brothers and parents have told me) I have some very vague memories, but only a few. I don't think there was abuse, my parents were nice. I can see repeated social failures as a good possibility. Until more recently in my life I was never any good with people. sort of a self referencing loop there.

I'm a bit confusing at the exercise. It seems like its just feeding my need to control things. I mean I do that to people as it is, not direct orders but veiled ones. Making them do things, but making it seem like i asked them to volunteer or asked a question, or even gave them a choice.
This is why what you wrote seems rather accurate, I do control everything, and I get rather annoyed when I cant. I never really saw it as a control issue until now.

Thanks for the information also.

[alloker]

“I don't think there was abuse, my parents were nice. I can see repeated social failures as a good possibility.”

You said that also before. It is possible that your problem is not being abused but the opposite of it. I mean that maybe you were treated very very good by everyone in the family, became a privileged member and got used to it. You probably never tried to make friends in your childhood and never tried to control your environment because you did not need to try; and therefore you never learned the art. Being later deprived from this unusual treatment looked to you like an unbearable social failure. Maybe your mother was sometimes with you and sometimes was not because of her working hours, and this prevented your acquiring useful habits. If you understand what really happened in your childhood you can develop a more rational response to it.  

“I'm a bit confusing at the exercise. It seems like its just feeding my need to control things.”

That is right, but the exercise can do more than that. At the present, your unconscious is relentlessly forcing you to control your environment because you did not try to do that in your childhood due to the treatment you received and therefore you have not learned the art and have not acquired the conscious habit of it. If you consciously try to control your environment through those exercises, your unconscious will stop forcing you to do it because it will see that you understood its message. In fact, as a general rule, doing something voluntarily terminates its automatic realization. For example, producing hiccups voluntarily especially at the moments they are expected to occur automatically is the best method of terminating them. Besides, realizing successes is the only means of terminating mental, or psychological, disturbances; and the exercise I recommended does just that. Any form of psychotherapy succeeds only in the measure it terminates failures and secures success.

I understand that you suspect being narcissistic. This appears to be a consequence of having been treated unusually good as a child, at least at certain times.
I recommend you to do the exercise and also question yourself in bed about your problem, using the words failure and mistake, because these words will force your unconscious to produce dreams for protecting you, for terminating your failures and mistakes.

[Propagandapanda]

Interesting.
Most of that makes enough sense. I'm gonna read more into it. Gonna go find my books now. Thanks for the information.