This is really going to be TMI at times, so sorry in advance.
I'll start off by saying what happened an hour ago. I fell asleep exhausted, only to wake up with my pants around my ankles, and an incredible urge to masturbate. So of course, I did. Luckily, my parents were home, but I had the urge to do something risky. After the ordeal I was just in a pitfall of depression, and anxiety, I crawled into bed and stayed there.
Now, this all started six months ago. Due to some life stresses, I developed a really high level of anxiety for a while. After seeing a psychologist, I was diagnosed with OCD and some Bipolar. But the thing I have never told my psychologist is my problem with the masturbation. Now, I've always done it, and been exposed and aware of it from a very young age, but I never realized how bad it is. I do it impulsively. It's not even enjoyable, I just feel like I have to do it. Call it a compulsion, if you will. Then I started doing it at night. It was like a ritual, before bed, I just had to do it. Sometimes more than once. It got to the point where, one time, about 30 minutes after falling asleep, I woke up with my pants around my ankles. I felt possessed to do it. I, again, did some risky things, with my parents sleeping in just the other room. For example, leaving the door open, etc. I just got this incredible feeling from the chance of getting caught. Maybe I even really wanted to get caught BY MY OWN PARENTS! This got so bad that, after some nights, I would hardly remember it in the morning. I did some research and read about this thing called Sexomnia, or "Sleep Sex". I'm convinced I have it, or maybe something along those lines.
Today's incident just escalated things. I've never felt so anxious and depressed before. Along with everything else I have to deal with, now I have this, and I literally feel like I have NO CONTROL over it. It's really terrible. I never want to masturbate ever again in my life. I don't know how I'll make it until Tuesday when I can see my psychologist, or if I'll even have the courage to tell her. It just really feels like I have no control. I can't trust myself anymore. I need anything that might help right now; information, advice, just some encouraging words.
