prolong severe problem; trace back to childhood;cannot conquer

[chueh]

I LOVE music; period!  I majored in music (the requirements for graduation is different from performance major), just because of my love for it.  I became a piano teacher long time ago at several music schools, and I did not have to perform for anything.  Now, I started as an independent piano teacher, and people want me to play.

I am a good teacher, not only do I teach for music's sake, but also I want to share this good thing as music with people with passion.  I have no problem demonstrate the hand, finger, arm, and wrist motions and piano playing techniques to my students, but I have an extremely severe problem of stage fright.  I cannot play anything when there is even a 3 year-old around.  It goes without saying to play for an audience.

With different beliefs, 3 of my friends, who do not know one another another told me the same thing that I need to learn how to "share."  Although it does sound very selfish to play only for myself and alone, my stage fright is not coming from "not want to share."  It is because I have a severe problem of expressing myself when people around.  My friends told me a million times and I knew it without their telling me that i should not think about people criticizing me.  I don't care if people criticize me or not; that's not what I am afraid.  I just have problem expressing myself freely when there is someone "watching" me.

My mother is a very tough woman who does not allow emotions to be expressed, except showing grief for the dead. She considers emotions expressed other than for the dead is a sign of weakness and instability. I was criticized by my mom for crying because of being bullied by my brother.  I was criticized shedding tears because of a movie, and etc.

I did not have any stage fright problem when I was very little, if I remember correctly.  The more I grew older, the more stage fright I have.  I am very self conscious.  I would quickly yet gently wipe my tears away with care, so people around me do not notice my wiping off tears in a movie theater.  I KNOW that NOBODY would criticize me for shedding tears, yet COVERING SHAME seems to reside in me so deeply.

I am so very uncomfortable when people stare at me or even look at me.  I notice that I even cannot walk straight confidently or proudly with people around.  For this instance, I am getting a little better, yet playing the piano when people are present totally destroy my ability to play.

I ALWAYS play wrong notes if there are people around who do not even pay attention to what i am playing.  It goes without saying that ALL MY EXPRESSIONS for the music is totally gone.  I am like a machine playing 50% of wrong notes.  Every note sounds dead.  When i practice, I enjoy playing the music so much that I am totally IN IT and feel so much of it that I would sometimes shed tears.  It is the same music when I practice and when people are around, but it can sound playing with the heart and soul or without.

What can I do?  I FORCE myself to get friends over to hear me playing, yet it does not help at all.  I cannot be calm or relax when playing for people.  My soul seems separate once I start playing.  No kidding!! I feel an empty body playing the piano. 

[seekinghga]

Please forgive my criticism of your mother's thoughts about emotion.  If I am understanding you correctly you are saying that she recommends the suppression of emotion.  You see, the problem with that is that it will lead to psychological complex and the inability to express your emotion naturally.  The emotions must be sublimated and brought under control through introspection and understanding.  Only then do they cease being a hindrance and start adding the "flavor" that they are meant to do.  You must become the master of your emotions as it were (I am not even kidding when I say that the mastery of emotions is NOT an overnight thing).

As for your fear of performing in public, part of it may be this childhood (it was childhood?) suppression of emotion and part is maladjustment of some sort.  I can say this with some great certainty because I used to suffer from severe social anxiety (still do, but beating it as we speak) and my hands shake and my mind goes blank when I play music in front of others and it is just a nasty situation.  What I used to do to ameliorate this situation was use alcohol as a counterweight and I can tell you that that is a pernicious remedy.  Exposure therapy is the method that I am employing with good success.  I too felt that "soul separation" that you describe.  I am guessing that it comes from the worrying of what others think instead of focusing on your own actions.  You really just have to set your nose to the grindstone and have at it.  It may take months, years, whatever, the key is that you oppose this feeling.  As I said, my hands would shake, I couldn't think straight or at all, was consumed with what others thought (or more correctly, what I thought that others thought) and I just worked (am working) through it.

That's what I can come up with for now.  I hope that one letter of one word of it helps at least.

[ozziemate]

There are many possible reasons and approaches to your issues with stage performance. [ I was a professional stage performer musician for about 14 years] But before getting into it in depth can I ask one question:

Have you ever simply recorded your music to tape or cd and given it to people for them to listen to and offer constructive critique?

If not I suggest you do and make notes on how you feel when you know they are listening to it.

I have a friend who has a seriously "autistic" child who was never able to speak in his own voice always mimickin gother peoples voices. This was quite distressing for every one including the little boy.
I suggested that they give the child a recording device and tell him to find his own voice and when he did manage to find his own voice bring it out and let them hear it....[recorded on the device] as yet I am waiting for a result.

The key was that he would look for it with out any one being present to inspire his mimickry while he did so. The idea was that he would get used to hearing his real voice after a while and tend to stick to it...

hint: "the truth of who you are is in the music your soul plays" ~anon

SeekinHga may relate to this ancient sanscrit wisdom:

The true teacher is in the tone of the sound.
interpreted:
the true teacher is in the music you hear"
the true teacher is you own connection with the devine...which is in the music you hear.