Seeking attention

[ArP]

Hi everyone,

So, where do I start!?

I'm a healthy 25 year old with no previous mental health issues/problems.

In the last month or so, as embarrassing and as silly as it sounds, I've been getting these weird thoughts and feel a bit messed up in the head. I get urges to seek attention, like 1-on-1 attention, like if I see an ambulance, I think to fall on the ground and fake an injury and to act unresponsive. (I've never acted these out and don't think to actually harm myself). Then, at other times, like today, I sit on the bus coming to work and it's quiet and I have the urge to scream or do something.

I can only think that this is linked with me feeling a bit lonely and unloved - I'm not depressed however. I just feel a bit down at times. I moved to a new country a few years back and had a family member here who I was close with, but whom recently got married so we're not as close. We relied on each other a lot social-wise and now we're not close, I've had to try and make new friends which I have no problem in doing (no problems in social situations etc), it just takes time and I haven't managed yet to do this. I socialize at work but outside of work, I live by myself and spend a lot of time alone.

I don't know if I should be more concerned about these weird feelings I get or not. Sometimes something clicks in my head and I can see myself going crazy and on the other I just tell myself that the thoughts are stupid and to stop it.

I just get these urges, which for now I can control, but that causes me a lot of tension and is a bit upsetting when it happens. Sometimes I can cry and sometimes I can laugh when it happens.. I just feel like a bit of a mess at times.

Thanks in advance for any advice anyone can give.

[ArP]

I'm going to look in to getting some help I think - I don't think it's right that I should carry on living like this. Sometimes it is worse and sometimes it's OK, but today for example has been a weird day. I didn't have a bad day, I even went to join the gym (which I think could be great for me, as I used to do lots of sports and keep fit!) but it's come to being at home by myself in the evening and I've felt the need to escape somehow, and I've been drinking and am really at this point trying to control myself as to not drink too much more. I don't drink often, maybe once every 2 weeks, but I guess it's not right to feel the need to do something like this in order to escape. My aim is to drink until I fall asleep and that's where I'm heading.

Anyway, that's enough from me - It looks like I like hearing my own voice and being the centre of attention - But it's not the case. Thanks for listening to me vent.

Be seeing you all around. ;-)

Amy.

[SWM]

hi ArP

Getting help is a good step.

and going to the gym is too.

drinking to want to escape is not good, so you are right on all counts.

i dont think you are going mad sounds like a bit of sadness/ stress/ loneliness all muddled up.

do you have any body you can talk too?

[ArP]

Hi SWM, thanks for the reply.

I agree with what you say about the muddled things that I have going on. It's kind of funny, because I don't think that I am lonely for example, but if I probably dug deeper, I would see that I actually am. As much as I think I have control over my mind, I can't process these emotions and thoughts and link them to something that happened/is happening with me.

I agree about the drinking thing also, but a positive has come out of it - I was seriously stupid last night - I was by myself and decided to have a drink, just to get a little tipsy and 'let my hair down' - I ended up getting pretty drunk and collapsed in bed. I woke up this morning and needed to go to work, but knew that my stomach was in a bad state. Ended up not going to work and vomiting. Not good. I haven't been sick from drinking in years. In all honesty, as rough as I have felt today, I'm just laughing at myself for doing that. I don't and won't do that again for a long long time.

I think I'd maybe like some gentle verbal therapy. I haven't got a messed up past or anything, but I guess I have some things that again, probably bother me than I actually realise. For example, I'm not really in touch with my Mother, which I feel 100% OK with, as long as I speak with her every few months, I'm fine with that. I live in a different country now, so we naturally, aren't so close. I do hold some resentment against her though from the past - She wasn't abusive or anything, but I guess, she just found it difficult being a Mother and struggled sometimes, along with getting caught having an affair with a family friend! OK!!

I don't have anyone I can talk to unfortunately. I have my sister, but as close as we are (and used to be more in the past before she got married) I would never anyway tell her all of my thoughts and feelings. To be honest, even if I did, it wouldn't help me.

You know what, thinking about it a bit more, I guess there is 1% of me that wants things to get worse, probably so that I can get some attention out of it and be taken care of - That's what I need to control.