When I say fighting myself, I guess I mean I expect more than what I offer. Example being, I want to earn so much money that I could have whatever I want and give my family whatever they want. I want my name in history. I beat myself up when I don't do well. Example being, I become severely self-conscious.
you are preventing yourself from succeeding because your idea of success is too strong. and you are not allowing yourself to learn from mistakes, instead you see your mistakes as evidence of you being a failure. if you veiwed your mistakes and failings as stages of learning you may enjoy your adventure to your goals.
you may find some books on goal setting and planning for success are helpful for you.
set yourself small tasks that will lead you to where you want to be.
I can't look at people without that feeling of fight or flight. I guess its from past events and now I see everyone as an enemy.
what are you afriad of?
I don't mind not having friends anymore though, they just slow me down and the ones I choose are usually influential to me (they influence me).
I need a little support to do the things I want to do and that kills me because I can't trust anyone. Example, my ego says I can have any girl I want (i really feel this way) but if you look at the facts, I don't have the girl I want, yet still inside my head, I say its not too late, you can always make things work. I can get very detailed down to the last crumb on any subject I mention but I don't know whats relevant.
i guess this is why you feel you should elimnate your ego, if it is contradicting your experience. what i recognise myself is that ego keeps a balance within a persons psyche. if you did not have your ego then you would probably be a bit depressed about the other problems you have.
trying to find a balance between your ego, conscious experience and your impulses/ desires may help you. finding balance involves learning to allow each aspect of your psyche to have its own expression.
I don't know if my ego is a good or bad thing. I really cant back it up on anything but I believe it drives me to try, or maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe I can't fess up to being weak and emotional or whatever so I run back to my ego.
your right, this is what i am saying above. all things that we experience in our psyche as human beings are working for the benefit of the whole organism (our existence) when we stop fighting the different elements within our selves the warring factions return to a state of peace and harmony.
you may find it useful to write in a journal, to identify what each element of you is wanting from you, and work with your self this way to bring yourself in balance and integrate the conflicint aspects of yourself in to a homogenous self.
Now say I smoke marijuana, my ego is broken and it takes a few days to come back. While it is broken, I become self-conscious and beat my self up badly, sometimes to the point I wanna just give up. The thing is, I'm beating myself up but everything I self-consciously think is true, I just can't handle it or won't allow myself to believe it consciously.
some part of you is telling another part of yourself that you should nto be trying to kill or quiet certain parts of yourself.
you are causing a seperation of the elements that make up the whole of you. this is leaving you fractured and broken. trying to find a way to negotiate between the different elements within you.
But hell, I dunno... I don't know! Should I destroy the ego or find ways to back it up? I'm not comfortable in my own skin. Remember, this is how I feel, I'm not sure if its the truth.
allow your ego to express itself. you dont have to act on everything it wants you to do, just as youdont have to act on all of your impulses and desires, but you could allow them to express themselves and experience the pleasures that desires often bring. all things must be balanced or their is struggle and conflict.
