Traumatic Childhood

[steffent]

Hi,

I wonder if anyone can help me please..
My girlfriend 29 years has had traumatic experiences in her childhood. I asked here to tell me more about it in a casual way but she does not want to talk about it much. This is what I know from her childhood...
Her parents were arguing alot when she was pre school age, she was hiding under her bed when her dad was breaking glass, which fell out of door frames and she was hiding under her bed a lot. Her mum once tried to get her to leave the bed but it took almost an hour (as an example).
She was afraid a lot and could not understand why her parents where fighting all the time. In pre-school she had to leave for a special boarding school due to a medical issue with her eyes and stayed with her grandparents since then. Once she was about 6 or 7 she was allowed to go to a "normal school". During that time the dad had an affair for about 10 years and has a son from this as well.
I met her parents and the dad seems like macho playboy, the mum has pretty much given up on life and says what the dad wants.
My girlfriend is a lovely, kind person has two kids from her previous marriage. The issue does seem not come from her previous marriage. The problem is that she cannot express her feelings in great details with me and said she "blocks" when I tell her that I love her. I know she loves me more than anything however she says she is unable to express that to me in person. She can write emails explaining and caring for me but this is obviously not a permanent solution.
I am trying to support her where ever I can and always try to give 110%. I know she appreciates this deep down...

I would like to know how to approach this issue so she will open up and let me help her by talking or otherwise.
I appreciate any advice you may have.

Best Regards
Steffen.

[SWM]

if your girlfriend does not want to talk about it then the best course of action is to leave the subject until she talks to you about it. of course letting her know that you are there for her which you are doing any way will allow her to feel safe with you when she is ready. let it go until she can let go too.

the problem you have is that she cannot express how she feels to you. you say that she can write her feelings or communicate them in other ways. i think if you are able to show appreciation to her for that kind of expression she may eventually feel safe enough to try different ways to express her feelings. this is about accepting where your partner is with her problems. if you can meet her where she is she may feel comfortable to enough to meet you where you are. i hope you can understand my use of metaphor to communicate psychological processes.

[steffent]

Great advice. Thanks so much!
Regards

[acousticeagle]

Your girlfriend sounds like a naturally sensitive person that still suffers from the trauma of what she suffered in childhood. Does she tend to jump/startle at loud noises? Referring to what you said about her father breaking things.  According to psychologist/writer Elaine N. Aron in her book "The Highly Sensitive Person" highly sensitive people will react to loud noises ordinarily more than others who are not as sensitive to external stimulous. Certain behaviours like this could give you a greater indication of how her childhood experiences still affect her today.

The other thing that maybe I'm getting an inkling of is that her father sounds like a narcissist; you describe him as a "macho playboy". If this man has a 'Me First', charismatic and attention-seeking manner, then those kinds do not make for good parents. Your girlfriend would probably have trust  issues: curious as to what sort of man she married in her previous.

Because the nurturing fathering is lacking, the child grows as a survivor of someone who finds it difficult to feel secure in relationships. She might be seeking that partner who makes her feel very secure for her to be much more at ease. Like SWM suggests, it can take time, but if she's the one for you, then, because of her sensitivity you will find yourself with a very loving and loyal mate. It's possible she will learn to trust you through your manner that can say 'you can trust me' rather than using many, many words of constant reassurances to that affect. Talking does help naturally of course, but sometimes it can be body language that can give out good and lasting vibes.

[steffent]

I have not noticed she would react to loud noises.
The father does seem to me like the "me first" type. There was actually a talk between her Ex husband and the father. After that the father said to my girlfriend that the Ex is not good for her as he is "the same kind of ass he is". I.e. my girlfriend seem to have picked the same kind of type in her previous relationship. This must be some kind of a reaction like "even though the father was bad enough the daughter still goes after a similar character.. "

What you actually saying does make a lot of sense. Thanks!

[acousticeagle]

I mentioned about any reaction to loud noises to try to find out more info about how badly she might be affected by her past. From what you've added, it sounds like she's not reactive about it. It can be typical for a girl to marry someone like 'dear-old-dad', as the father is the child's original role modelling. With abusive fathers, the child can grow into adulthood with the bar lowered as far as partners are concerned.

[sure]

mother/father-child-relations shall stay forever - as lots of people think (my included). Honor your parents - allthough they beat you halve to dead, and so. Your girlfriend must be in pretty much a conflict with this. Do the parents just need her for a better feeling, and can't they be without her, physically? Do they hate themselves a lot?

[sure]

I wept my whole childhood through till my parents finally started to box me in the face and shout me all together - than I stopped weeping!
(that they rape me, I didn't recognise untill I became 38) and they're still fighting with words, e.g. mum tells them she's Christine. She was with WB and UN and not me and so on. than she muddles all the people together untill someone, propably me - has to clean it up.

[Joni]

Don't bring it up at all. Either she is not ready to deal with it, in which case bugging her about it will only make her withdraw even more, or she has successfully put it behind her and you wanting to know all the detail will only keep the experience raw in her mind.

[sure]

Pretend: Silence In my country: "A witt-doc and the doc of the minister are radical right-wing...!" (and so on)
Dead and Devil !

[Joni]

It's not pretending nothing is wrong. It's waiting for the time when she can acknowledge her feelings without drowning in them.

[Mahiqun]

I don't know how long you're together, but the blocks should slowly disappear with time. It's probably fear of rejection and needs some time to fade.