abuse survivor strugglin with relationship

[steven2003]

This is long but I really need some advice, please read and help...thank you in advance

I am 29 years old and am finally coming to terms with myself.  I grew up in a household with a narcissistic father who abused us, made us feel we never counted and drilled into our heads the evils of sex and masturbation.  He called my sister a whore for dating, he would preach to us why sex is ONLY for procreation (I have nine siblings) and he would keep our whole house in fear since we never knew what would set him off.  As a result, I have a brother who sexually abused a sister, my siblings all struggle with relationships or, if they are older, it took them decades to function in a relationship, we all had a hard time making and keeping friends and most of us were very promiscuous.  We are all very intelligent and have successful careers, so the most amazing part is that our father congratulates himself constantly over how "great and successful" all of his children are.  Of course, if we make a choice he wouldnt make he berates us and if we disagree its always because we just dont know any better. Most of us are past the point of seeking any approval from him, but the pain and negative feelings still dominate many of us no matter how hard we try.

The hardest part is that intellectually, I know these things are wrong.  I have been seeing a therapist for some time now and am starting to understand that none of this was our fault, sex isnt evil and, although we may have all made mistakes or done bad things (i"ll get to that in a min), we are not evil and our lives do not have to be dominated by guilt fear and shame any longer.  My therapist tells me that, given my upbringing, what I have done in the past really isnt that shocking and on a scale of what those subjected to the kind of abuse I endured isnt even really that bad.  Mostly i womanized, I used girls for sex, I would lie and cheat and hadnt had an honest relationship since high school.  Of course, the my high school girlfriend was about as manipulative as you could get and it took me a while to recover from those scars as well.

The problem is that now I have a wonderful woman that loves me and has stuck through everything Ive been going through in the past year.  Ive been working really hard, trying to face myself and get over these feelings and trying to be honest.  Unfortunately, I had hidden a number things about myself and my past from her which has hurt our trust, early on in our relationship I lied to her about these things because I had a hard time sharing, I lead her to believe I was always this upstanding great guy who would never use women and I would point out the problems in others and judge.  She knew something wasnt right and she new I was hiding and she would catch me in lies and, despite all of my arguing and resisting, force it out of me until I couldnt hide any more and was honest with both her and myself.  When I got really low (I have depression as well) and when I was feeling most ashamed, I started to text msg another girl and even went so far as to set up a lunch date (I then of course made up an excuse and cancelled the lunch).  About a month after that happened, she found the messages and was devastated to say the least. She was deeply hurt and angry because she had been putting so much energy into me and didnt understand how I could possibly do that.  I was so ashamed of what I had done and couldnt face the responsibility that I actually tried blaming her and making her feel like she was responsible in some way because she was always calling me a liar and suspicious of me and I couldnt take it (of course, women's intuition, she as right the whole time and had every right to be that way) It was then that some of the hurt and "real me" started to come out. It was then that I started to open up and tell her some of these things I had been feeling.  I really was very sorry and was so angry at myself - I remembered how hurt she was and never wanted to do anything like that ever again.  We love each other sooooo much and we want to have a future together.  We want to be married and have kids and a home.  We talk about our dreams and having a garden and when we make love it is like nothing else I have ever experienced before and she feels the same!  Given that I slept around and she is 40 and has dated many before me, that is saying something very special about us!!

We started to make ammends and build again and we were getting even closer.  We were so happy and so in love and it seemed like we were finally on a path we wanted to walk and were holding hands and skipping in the sunshine.  I dont think I have ever felt so loved or been so in love and willing to give myself to someone.  But I was still hiding.  I was looking at porn daily and masturbating and still ashamed of myself.  I hadnt faced some of the things I had been feeling and was still burying a lot of hurt and guilt and shame.  I wanted so desperately to be happy and to pretend that those feelings werent there, I wanted to pretend that I was over all of this and could just be happy.  She was still suspicious of things and would ask about them and I would lie and then one day, she saw a porn site on my computer.  To my surprise, not only was she not upset, but we watched it together! It was something else we could share We planned a trip to her hometown, we planned christmas together, her birthday is 12/16 and we were looking forward to it but first there was thanksgiving and we each went to see our family.

Thats when it all fell apart again.  As soon as I walked in the door my 75yr old father started in on the preaching, he was even wearing a big cross on his shirt!!  Unbelievable!!.  My mother, who knows how to make it stop, gently inserted herself into the conversation and took over until my father went to bed. In the morning, he started in again on why I shouldnt be with my girlfriend and she is too old and etc. etc. I wont go into the rest of the trip but lets just say it never stopped.  When I got home I started smoking pot daily and maturbating 3-4 times a day.  I felt worse than I had in a long time.  I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted to kill my father, I wanted to just...go away.  So I stated smoking constantly, skipping most of my day at work, masturbating more.  My girlfriend knew something was wrong but I mentioned nothing to her...just that the trip sucked.

And then I got a msg from a woman who had been talking to me early on when I met my girlfriend; she and I used to exchange dirty msgs and have txt sex.  She is married and a swinger, she knew I had a girlfriend and I told her back in march or april that we couldnt talk anymore. We started talking again just for a day and we set up a time to meet for lunch.  We ended the txt string with things like "wear something nice" and "I'll make sure I look sexy" (or something like that).  My girlfriend sensed something and went into my phone again and found it despite the fact that I had hidden the msgs under a male name so she wouldnt.  Now everything is crazy.

Everything has come out.  I spend 4 days in bed crying telling her everything about myself.  Every dark childhood exerience, when I put on my sisters clothes, the masturbation, the pot. the guilt, the shame, EVERYTHING.  She is so hurt and so upset but at the same time she said she feels closer to me than ever.  She feels like she knows it all now and I am not lying.  She told me about and abortion she had with someone she had an affair with. she told me she started being turned on by porn at age 10 when she found her fathers magazines and that she started having sex at 13 and that it is all ok.  she let me know that we live the life we have and we need to be comfotable and accept ourselves and that I am not wrong and she is not wrong and we can grow.  She told me she will walk this path with me and still hold my hand and I dont think I have ever been more greatful for anything.  She really is an angel and I want to be hers!!!  But she is in a lot of pain and we dont know what to do.  We love each other so much and we want to be together but we dont know how to cope with this pain.  We (especially she) are in so much conflict right now, the trust we had is ruined, she feels like she doesnt know who I am and it is awful.  I am trying so hard and telling her everything now but I dont know if it is enough.  We went to my therapist together but she is hurting so bad, she variies between loving me desperately and wanting to help and hating me more than anything and wanting me to go to hell.

We love each other more than anything and we want so bad to make this work but we dont know what to do.  Will the hurt settle down again?  Now that everything is out can we finally build something that will withstand all of what has happened?  Can anyone help or offer advice?  We love each other and want to make it through this but right now we dont know if we can....please help!! Any advice is welcome.

If you read all of this, thank you

[ftrammell]

Okay. After reading, I am sorry for what happened in your childhood. There is a big age difference between the two of you also, but who am I to say who one should love because of age. But I would say that in order to be happy with your girlfriend you need to work on yourself first. And you might want to start with counseling. And one question, do you feel that you have a sex addiction?

[acousticeagle]

It is in the psyche of a woman to have a mate that is going to be faithful. This is because, if she is to have a home and children with that man, his fidelity ensures her emotional safety and wellbeing for the reason of security and for the benefits of raising children is such an environment. It's possible that you are scared of commitment - hense you text messaged and set up a date with another woman, which you cancelled. Maybe you were testing yourself? Maybe too, you feel that somewhere up the track you will only fail her. Where could this come from? I would say that it comes from your upbringing.

If you have negative-reinforcing from a parent, particularly a father who is the main role-model in your family, then you have been 'told' stuff about you from a very early age that hasn't been true, yet with the negative-reinforcing from this parent it can become like 'self-fulfilling prophecy'. A narcissist father needs to be the 'supreme' ego in the family, his ego-need outweighs the emotional well-being of his family. A narcissist is a deeply insecure human being who continues to pardon off his weaknesses. And, if he can pass them on to his children, then they become an extension of his inferior ego-sense. When a narcissist elevates himself over others, it's a way to compensate for those deep-rooted insecurities - and - to bring others down to his level so No One surpasses his self-supreme world-views.

I would suggest emotional divorce from your father. You can still do the right thing by behaving politely and dutifully, but without the emotional entanglements of the guilt trip that he continually put on you. You are a grown adult and he can no longer put upon you his own weaknesses - unless you let him. So, I would also suggest spending very little time with him and when he begins the tirade again, acknowledge to yourself that it's 'his' weaknesses and failings talking and nothing to do with you, and politely make an exit. Spend time instead with people that accept you as a unique individual with lots to contribute and with those people who reinforce you in positive light; hang with good friends. The more you associate with sane people, the more you see the insane for what it is.

There's nothing like a self-righteous parent to upset one's sexual identity. He's made your inner psyche think that sex is something 'sinful' - something that only makes you feel bad about yourself. In an effort to find yourself and your own sexual identity you've lived to fulfill his self-fulfilling prophecy about that. It's a child's way of rebellion towards the parent; the child throws him/herself into the very thing they are told is wrong/sinful - because the child needs to find out for themselves about the thing that seems so taboo.

Promiscuitiy through rebellion is a way of agression towards the parent who has made you feel bad about your sexuality. You cannot hurt him, so you hurt yourself. Now wouldn't it be good if you could emotionally divorce and distance yourself from your father so you can find your own way in the world, without the cause-and-react effect always happening? Well, this is what I think you need to do. Focus on the positive 'good' aspects of your character, you do not need to state these to your father, however, because he sounds like the sort that's going to criticise you for anything you might do, not do, or say.

The family relationship dynamic is a tricky one, but you are at an age now where you can go your own way. Now that you see where the root of problems have stemmed from, you are well on your way.

As for your girlfriend, well, the truth had to come out, and the truth is better out than it remaining hidden. There's a good possibility that you'll survive this and if you belong together, her understanding into your past and what was done and imposed upon you from childhood, then you'll get through this. You could think of it like a pimple that's burst, all the muck out, it, from then on starts to heal.

You've been in that place where you've done things that now leave a sour taste in your mouth. You don't want to do those things or be that way again, do you? Ok, you've explored the 'dark side', but there's a lot more to life and the good things, and the good ways of individuals to be known and explored. There's plenty of hope for you, tons of it. And an open door. Just remember to close that old door, from the room you've escaped from, too.

All the best.

[sure]

I had a teacher who married his sister.

He taught in Potsdam, Oxford and Stanford.

His father was one big NS-Officer.


maybe it is like this. maybe love is unhappy )