About two months ago I broke up with an ex, to get back with my very first, original girlfriend.
In the beginning, I moved to the state I now inhabit with my first girlfriend. We met while we were in high school, spent all our time together, talked on the phone all the time, met each other's families, spent the night at each other's houses. When we moved in together we thought it'd be all good. It was nice, but dealing with so many of the stresses of first moving out of home, living independently, it was stressful on both of us.
She was the only real girlfriend I'd ever had, when we met when I was 16, but at 18, I just wanted to date other people. Though we were in love, we fought constantly. I felt like the cycle of drama, of make up and break up, was inescapable. I had a good job and had recently met my then-best friends, and was going out without her pretty often. Finally I decided to break up with her, getting an apartment with a friend and his sister. I had a good job and was making good money, and at the time had no real plans for the future.
Living with friends was great. Though I really accomplished nothing those two years, they were undoubtably some of the absolute best years of my life. They were great, fun, exciting, unpredictable, basically everything I wanted at the time. I really had a craving for newness, excitement, and change. I was used to my days being lived fast and sought it out easily.
Eventually I moved into my own place. I had good friends and was dating quite a bit. I had been bartending (from catering bartending, to bartending at a crappy airport bar, to bartending at nice restaurants and clubs) for a while and while I wasn't an alcoholic I was taking full advantage of being young and living it up.
I stopped drinking, eventually, and grew out of my bartending job and lifestyle. I got an office job and studied business for a while, and eventually made the decision to go back to school. After a while I stopped going out with my friends or seeing the girls I had been dating. After work, I would go work out, go home, make and eat dinner, then either go somewhere (a restaurant with wifi) and work (while I had my other job), or write or read. At a party someone sold me weed (I had smoked in high school though never very much) and after that I started buying it from someone else. I was working maybe 60 hours a week (which had been the standard since I moved out and basically still is) and was doing fine, though while before school, really going no where.
Then I met a girl, my recent ex. The two of us hang out inclusively. We both had other friends but at that point didn't really like them, and had quit hanging out with them. When we started hanging out, she was literally on house arrest from an assault charge involving another girl. We hit it off early, easily and were in puppy love. On our third date we were walking in a busy part of my city, buzzed from wine, and while we were jokingly running down the sidewalks, she tripped and fell. We went back to the house and I washed her wound with soap and water, put neosporin on it, pat dried it, then bandaged it. I didn't really think it was that bad at the time and the next morning I took her home.
A couple days later I got a call from her saying she was in her room and couldn't walk on her leg, due to pain, and she thought her knee was infected really, really bad. I got off work and picked her up, took her to an ER, where we waited several hours to finally see a doctor. She had staph infection on her knee, unbelievable. She seemed to take it okay. We were at the hospital until 5am, after which I dropped her off at home, then drove straight to work (was working 7-5 at the time).
While she was recouperating and after she got better, we continued to hang out 24/7, staying the night at each other's houses practically every night. Every part of our relationship was great. One night, while lying in her bed, she told me how much she cared about me. I told her I felt the same way about her. Then we had "that talk" and decided to start dating her. Neither of us had any idea what we were getting into.
Maybe a month later, it was a day before my birthday, and we were planning a birthday trip together down to a lake, which you can drift down on intertubes. A couple nights before we were going to leave, I went to visit my original girlfriend. The sex between the girl I just started dating then had diminished, and some of the initial puppy love had died down. I went and saw my first girlfriend, got drunk, and we had sex. The next day I told my ex, expecting us to break up, maybe secretly wanting us to. She took it in stride and forgave me and said as long as I promised to never do it again and to be faithful to her, she would let it go. From this point on I should have had some kind of an inkling of what my life was going to be like thereafter. But at the time I just said I wouldn't, I was sorry, I wanted her and I to work out, I wanted us to be together.
Things really never got better from there on out.
We took classes together over the summer. I came to her work on lunch break. While living between her mom and dad's house (divorced parents), back and forth between the two, she asked if she could stay at my house for a few days. I said fine, and she moved "some" stuff in. By some stuff, I mean a full closet of clothes, pillows, every thing. In her defense, ANYWHERE she goes, any time she packs, she brings the most ridiculously absurd amount of stuff a person could bring. Far past what is even "average" for girls who just pack a ton of stuff. She literally would bring 3-4 LARGE bags for 4-5 day trip.
Then she asked if she could just move in, so I said okay, since we had talked about it, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. She had a group of friends and worked full time at a summer job, I was doing the same at my job, we took some classes together in the summer and spring. In ways it was beautiful, magnificent, the time we spent together. Things calmed down to what they always do when it goes from puppy love to an actual relationship. We were together 24/7 when not at work, after a while. We both ended up disengaging from our friends, turning down invitations to going out or even just seeing friends. We never got bored of each other, even though we had no TV at the house. Most of the time we just smoked, laid in bed, went for walks, talked, went on drives, downloaded music. It was really great. But after a while things between us, sexually, was not fulfilling for me. She is very unconventionally beautiful, truthfully gorgeous, but after a while I just lost interest. This hasn't happened with many other ex's, but everyone has people who things do not work out with chemistry wise.
I cheated on her, admittedly a horrible thing to do, and we fought some more. She wrecked her car and used mine for a month. She got sick again, staph infection again, and laid in bed for days. She didn't work. She never wanted to do anything, she was always at home, in bed. She had several hospital visits. There were health complications. She was depressed for months and thought she'd never get better. She refused to eat for months because she thought she'd gain weight and become unattractive.
I got tired of everything, so frustrated, and I hated waiting around after work for her to come pick me up so we could go to school together (I let her use my car during the days). I was talking to my ex and fell out of love. I eventually asked her to move out. One broken light switch, ruined cell phone, bottle of klonopin and a bottle of asprin later, threats to call her parents, threats she'd kill herself, we fell asleep. The next morning she left.
We still talked. I wanted to be friends. I also wanted to see my ex, my original girlfriend. Her and I started talking, and she told me how bad this girl was for me. She made me see her in a negative light and I began to resent her, because she was so needy, even though she was more than capable of returning all the love she needed and more in return. She returned to drinking (used to drink a bottle of Cuervo Gold a day, daily), other drugs, coke, her old friends and ways. Made out with an ex. Surely slept around though never admitted to it.
Still, we dated, broke up, and dated again. I couldn't understand then why she even liked hanging out with me. I simply felt obligated and had nothing better to do. I genuinelly still liked her. We slept together some but it was never good for me again. It felt like sleeping with a stranger. There was no love left. Even though otherwise she always was caring and sincere and loving towards me.
I cheated on her, broke up with her. She was sent to jail for probation violation. She started falling apart again. For $800 I paid bail, started hanging out with her more often again. But things didn't work out. I decided to get back together with my ex, and broke things off with this girl forever. Everything from death threats to beyond occured. My life was hell for a solid month. I knew I would never get that $800 bail money back (never have), and worse than that she hated me. Any proof that she actually cared about me, ever, vanished form her entirely. Yet I still find myself with feelings for her, ironically, though I do not think we could be together. And she is much, much to proud to ever get back with me, after having literally begged me not to break up with her. Nor would it ever really work out, anyways, between someone like myself and her.
I am taking summer classes. On the positive side of things, school has always gone well, as has my work life. A great job, school, moving. On the surface things are great. And I am not depressed nor anxious, really I feel healthy. But in my life there is so much melancholy, present in the blank time of the day, sitting at home doing nothing, when normally I would've been with her. I do not want to get back with her, though, and have a full schedule of work currently, plus school, approaching, so I will have plenty to keep me busy.
Anyways this is basically where I am at right now. I just wanted to type it up to get things off my chest.
Topic: basically my life story (long) (Read 1080 times)
January 14, 2009, 06:49:06 PM