Christmas Nightmare

[daftcow]

Can anyone provide any advice on coping strategies for me this festive season?

Christmas is complicated...my parents are going away on holiday, and I am really excited for them. We are spending all day with his family, which is difficult because I cant stand any of them, except his granny. We are having a starter at his sisters house, then everyone is having main course at his parents, then pudding at his grannys. To start with, I think the whole idea is completely stupid. But that aside, i find being in their company torture. His sister is a complete nightmare, and doesnt hold back what she thinks, she gets a kick out of hurting peoples feelings, theres a whole history between us and shes done so many things to me. Think mother-in-law from hell, except its his sister. Her boyfriend isnt much better. Then his dad is a horrible man who also just says hurtful things, and his mum is so two-faced it makes me sick. They all think its funny when his sister says nasty things. Naturally if I try to stick up for myself, it ends up with bf and me arguing because Im not allowed to say a thing against his family, no matter how they treat me.

To top it off, this is the 3rd year in a row hes invited them to us for new year behind my back. (He says his mum asked 'when are we invited to your house'. Maybe im wrong but I think thats total cheek to demand an invite to anyones house. I dont even invite my own family over.)  Plus im expected to cook for them.  My housekeeping isnt brilliant, largely because i work full time and he makes enough mess for 10 people and makes no effort at all to help me around the house.  I know his mum and sister will be inspecting the house and bitching about me later, theyve done it before.

I know I should make an effort for my bfs sake because he loves them. But I feel backed into a corner, like they can do and say what they like to me, and ive to smile sweetly and take it. I dont know how im going to get through this. Any advice would be appreciated. I did consider getting really drunk but his granny doesnt like people drinking alcohol so i cant even do that.

[STaR]

You dont need coping strategies, you need a shot gun. I just would not be around that bunch for anything in the world.

Your boyfriend should support you not them. He is a waste of space if he prevents you from standing up for yourself.

But I feel backed into a corner, like they can do and say what they like to me, and ive to smile sweetly and take it. I dont know how im going to get through this. Any advice would be appreciated. I did consider getting really drunk but his granny doesnt like people drinking alcohol so i cant even do that.

This is Exaclty the problem. You ARE backed into a corner. All you can do is smile sweetly and take it or the alternative stand up for yourself, maintain your boundaries and fight it out. If you do the latter they may respect you a little more next Chrsitmas.

[Shell]

StaR, brutally stated.  But I can't disagree.

Daftcow, there is a major red flag that you haven't quite put your finger on, though it is blatantly obvious.

Your boyfriend's responsibility to you is to care for you, protect you, even from his own family.  His disregard for your emotions (especially on a special holiday) reveal his true character and his concerns for you. 

If my family didn't play nice with my husband, I'd talk to them about it and tell them to buck up.  If they don't, I'll have the heart to spend Christmas away from them where my man is comfortable and safe from emotional attack. 

I'd suggest talking to your bf about this.  Let him know how much they hurt your feelings and that you feel uncomfortable.  If he won't agree to stand up for you, maybe you can do Christmas with friends instead.

[daftcow]

Thanks a lot to both of you for your input, its very much appreciated.

You guys are right. He should stand up for me more. However, part of me does feel sorry for him, being stuck in the middle. It cant be easy.

Hes been brought up to bottle his feelings so I dont think he even knows how to stand up to them. He either doesnt notice their behaviour or he does the ostrich thing and buries his head in the sand.

His sister is a complete bully and where hes tried to stand up to her in the past, he hasnt been very successful. His parents treat her like a china doll, shes never been told off for any of her behaviour, it wont happen now that she has a baby.

I dont feel that I can spend Xmas without him, and besides, all my friends are busy doing family stuff. I guess I'll have to make up for it on Boxing Day.

[STaR]

My heart goes out to you. Your boyfriend needs a kick up the arse or maybe he needs a someone (you) to support him. He needs to stand up for himself and stand up for you. But to do that he will have to feel that it is his power that he taking back and not something that he is taking away form them.

Maybe you could enable him to talk about how they make him feel. Talk to him and let him know how you feel. Dont get into an argument about it but find ways to talk about why he buries his head, and why he does not see the wrong in their behaviour. If he can talk to you about all this, then he may be able to figure out that they have no right to make him feel the way they do and they have no right to treat you like they do, and from this new awareness he may begin to challenge their behaviour.

Might not be in time for christmas but sooner better than later

[daftcow]

Sometimes, he'll tell me how his family have upset him. Ive encouraged him to tell him how he feels. He always refuses though, I dont think they take his feelins seriously anyway. He also has a severe anger management problem, but it never ever gets directed at them. Only me. Guess Ive just gotta put up and shut up at Christmas.

[Enigma]

Sounds to me like you need to improve your communication with your boyfriend.  I think you should sit him down and have a nice long talk with him before they arrive.  You should clearly state your issues: his family is rude to you, you can't defend yourself to them, you have no say in inviting them over, etc.  Tell him how these thing affect you.  Since this is the third year that this has happened, it doesn't seem like the type of thing that will just go away.  If he continues to disregard you feelings, I'd seriously consider reevaluating your relationship with him. 

[daftcow]

yeah i did tell him that inviting them over without my approval was total disrespect. I think his mum put him on the spot though, saying 'so when are we invited over to yours?' I feel sick at the thought of them coming over.

He always makes excuses for them, 'they dont mean it, they dont know theyre doing it'. Hes a lovely guy, but when it comes to them its like he wears rose tinted specs.

[coyote]

So the holidays are over now. How did you survive?

[daftcow]

Well, Christmas was boring and I found it so hard having to watch my Ps and Qs. They arent even posh, they just pretend to be. His sister and her bf spent most of the main course trying to put me down and rip the piss but I managed to ignore them. I even got to make my excuses and got to go home before they had pudding.

On New Years Eve, his mum invited us to her house instead, so we went there. It was ok, we played a few games.

Quiet holidays just dont do it for me, I have a huge family and Im used to a lot of noise and arguing

But I am relatively unscathed because things didnt go the way they were planned XD Thank you for asking, and thanks for your advice. I may be seeking it soon about something else too.

Hugs to you all x

[coyote]

Sounds like you beat them at their own game! Awesomely played!!!!

[daftcow]

lol thanks You have been an excellent support, as has Cecile.