Co-Parenting With Someone I Dont Like

[perplexed2010]

I had a child eight years ago with someone that I didn't know very well. As it turned out he and I see the world from two completely opposite sides. His choices seem really poor to me and since they effect our duaghter in a very big way - I'm emotionally spining constantly.

From the moment that I said I was going to keep our baby instead of abortion or adoption things have been volatile between the two of us. Then three years ago his 12 yr old step-son (he got married etc) came to me for help after "dad" spanked him with a belt leaving huge black and blue marks. After trying to talk to "dad" and his wife about it and being told to mind my own business, I made a report to CPS. The wife and "dad" married because she got pregnant and after the baby was born I would take care of her son, thier baby and our duaghter on weekends when she worked. "dad" is out of town most of the time at his job. The wife had story on top of story of the abuse going on in the home, so I felt that if I didn't make the report that nothing would change in thier family. I knew that this would alienate me from his family and cause stress for my daughter, but felt it was the right thing to do.

Since then he retaliates by making any co-parenting choices that we need to negotiate on impossible. Anything I request he says no to - ie changing her after school program to one that she could benefit from more etc. He also trys to withhold her time with me if he has a chance (she spends summer's in his home, and we are supposed to split weekends). We cannot communicate on any level

I've been told that I started a war with him that will not end. How can I stop the conflict?

[RogerP44]

Communication is the key to making any relationship work. I find that without communication, a seemingly good relationship will eventually crash. That being said, the most important thing in your perspective will be your child, and if there has been abuse in the home, there will be again. I would attempt to establish a slow, lasting relationship, keeping it on a level of parenting only. I would simply work through an intermediary, and the court will provide one for you, and obtain a relationship with him where he provides input for your child. I would, based on your story seek custody. I do wish you well.

[subguy2]

co parenting with some one you dont "like" is harder than co-habitating with some one you dont like because they will affct the lives of the person/people you care about and any desion they make is likely to result in conflict regardless if its deserving or not ..why..BECAUSE YOU DONT LIKE THEM..and any thing they do will not get a fair evaluation regardless.

so to co-parent effectivlt with some one you dont like , you have to NOT be emotionally involved. dislike of a person is an emotional responce, they may have wronged you but you have to look PAST your feelings toward them and concentrat on whats best for the kids..
i shared custody of 2 kids with an ex i didnt like. emotionally i would have been a total wreck if i let my dislike of her get in the way of my like for my kids....

[gone]

You ask how you can stop the conflict, if you can't would you accept this is the way it is and always will be?

You don't say how old your daughter is so I don't know how many years until she's an adult and you don't have to have any communications with him. It's a tragic situation. And if he's unreasonable like my x there is no way to communicate without conflict, it's impossible.
I've just called the police because after 12 years of being separated from my x he still can't leave me alone. Any excuse it's ridiculous. For example a random text message last night on my home phone (he doesn't think I have a mobile now so the abusive text are less frequent) the text said 'You own me money and everyone will find out you're a prostitute"... For a start I don't owe him money and I'm not a prostitute either.  The thing is our 14yr old son was the person who first read that, my son would have deleted it as he's refused to pass on his abusive messages to me in the past but I was there also so I read it too. My 14year old more of an adult than he will ever be.

It's really hard, I haven't spoken to him in years, he's just made it difficult for me to bring up his children, I returned home once to find a for sale sign in the garden, the house is mine, I bought it, it's just one thing after another for 12 years, always putting obstacles in the way of me raising his children. Insane, spiteful, bitter and twister, he's never paid money for them but buys loads of property (I think he believed acquiring houses would make him more happy than contributing to his childrens upkeep) he's even tried to claim child benefit and child tax credit which was put on hold for 8 months because of the dispute which meant his children went without food and heating. What sort of people are these? Communication isn't possible with these people, they are unreasonable. I would call him say his daugther was in hospital and it would end with me hanging up after it descended into  'You're a fucking slag you, everybody hates you, bla bla'...

I'm not sure there's a solution to your problem. I refused communications because it was guarenteed to become verbal abuse. So then letters of abuse would come through my door and text messages, to which I've never responded. But sure they can get you down especially after 12 years there is no let up. Looking back I wish I'd upt and left the area. It hasn't been beneficial my children knowing their father. However bad that sounds and I know them not knowing him would have had consequences also, but I do believe it would have been better if we'd moved away. That would have been my solution to the problem in hindsight. But hope things improve & try not to let it get you down.

[NataEames]

Son of a bitch!!! I would gang up with my friends and kick his ass until he's begging for mommy! He's a sorry excuse for a human being, get a lawyer - any lawyer, they will make sure they put this bastard where he belongs!

[gone]

Thanks Nata, I wont hog this topic & shared my story as I thought relevant. A nice police man came. He went away & wrote a statement & returned for me to sign it, he'd done some checking up and there was an incident 9 years ago he found logged so hopefully when the policeman goes to see him and tell him he could face court action for harrassement it may scare him into finally leaving off with the text & letters. Although stupid claims against me for payments or whatever - or bogus reports to authorities against me will remain I'm sure..
I don't know why I thought to call the police, I thought I was stuck with it unable to do anything. But they've been really good and I'm glad I thought to take action.

[NataEames]

I'm really glad Mommy. Such people really should be behind bars. I've had so many women coming to me for advice on such situations and I've understood that the only two ways to deal with such bastards is to either run away and disappear or involve the authorities.

[gone]

The police man said 'Why after 12 years'
and that's a question I found I didn't want to answer so reluctantly said 'I can only theorise on the psychology ie: he believes I've ruined his life and he's vengeful (in brief)' and he said 'We can't log theories' hehe what did he want me to say? (I can't identify with someone on a hate campaign for 12 years who's distorted the reality to fit his own warped perceptions) I'd already said I thought he needed psychiatric help, he's obviously obsessed. Maybe it's about damaged ego. I also think he's angry with himself for having had me and lost me, but blames me. But all this doesn't stand up in court they want evidence and dates.
But I wonder what is the motivation for men to behave in this way. EGO?

[NataEames]

If a police man had asked me that, I would have broken out in tears and said "I was too scared for my life and the life of my child, he is very unstable" He needs to be committed. Electric shocks I say!

[perplexed2010]

I appreciate the response and am using part of what you said in my court documents for a hearing coming up. thanks

co parenting with some one you dont "like" is harder than co-habitating with some one you dont like because they will affct the lives of the person/people you care about and any desion they make is likely to result in conflict regardless if its deserving or not ..why..BECAUSE YOU DONT LIKE THEM..and any thing they do will not get a fair evaluation regardless.

so to co-parent effectivlt with some one you dont like , you have to NOT be emotionally involved. dislike of a person is an emotional responce, they may have wronged you but you have to look PAST your feelings toward them and concentrat on whats best for the kids..
i shared custody of 2 kids with an ex i didnt like. emotionally i would have been a total wreck if i let my dislike of her get in the way of my like for my kids....

[perplexed2010]

Thank you for your insight. i hope that you have access to a legal way of stopping your x's behavior because it really is over the top. Where I live there's a lot of help for people who represent themselves etc (not recommended, but as a last resort) so if you can you should get some help.

You ask how you can stop the conflict, if you can't would you accept this is the way it is and always will be?

You don't say how old your daughter is so I don't know how many years until she's an adult and you don't have to have any communications with him. It's a tragic situation. And if he's unreasonable like my x there is no way to communicate without conflict, it's impossible.
I've just called the police because after 12 years of being separated from my x he still can't leave me alone. Any excuse it's ridiculous. For example a random text message last night on my home phone (he doesn't think I have a mobile now so the abusive text are less frequent) the text said 'You own me money and everyone will find out you're a prostitute"... For a start I don't owe him money and I'm not a prostitute either.  The thing is our 14yr old son was the person who first read that, my son would have deleted it as he's refused to pass on his abusive messages to me in the past but I was there also so I read it too. My 14year old more of an adult than he will ever be.

It's really hard, I haven't spoken to him in years, he's just made it difficult for me to bring up his children, I returned home once to find a for sale sign in the garden, the house is mine, I bought it, it's just one thing after another for 12 years, always putting obstacles in the way of me raising his children. Insane, spiteful, bitter and twister, he's never paid money for them but buys loads of property (I think he believed acquiring houses would make him more happy than contributing to his childrens upkeep) he's even tried to claim child benefit and child tax credit which was put on hold for 8 months because of the dispute which meant his children went without food and heating. What sort of people are these? Communication isn't possible with these people, they are unreasonable. I would call him say his daugther was in hospital and it would end with me hanging up after it descended into  'You're a fucking slag you, everybody hates you, bla bla'...

I'm not sure there's a solution to your problem. I refused communications because it was guarenteed to become verbal abuse. So then letters of abuse would come through my door and text messages, to which I've never responded. But sure they can get you down especially after 12 years there is no let up. Looking back I wish I'd upt and left the area. It hasn't been beneficial my children knowing their father. However bad that sounds and I know them not knowing him would have had consequences also, but I do believe it would have been better if we'd moved away. That would have been my solution to the problem in hindsight. But hope things improve & try not to let it get you down.