Controlling Spouses

[Simplyme]

A good friend of mine is in a cery controlled relationship. She is kept on a tight leash and suffers avid belittling if she does something that is not "approved" by her husband. He has done this for years and it seems now that she has actually accepted this as an ok form of communication.

Does this kind of behavior have any psychological effects on someone? Is that why they stay so often?

[daftcow]

If he has been doing it for years, she has probably begun to believe everything he says. She will feel worthless. He is nothing short of a bully. He will have her believing it is all her fault he behaves this way. A lot of women stay because they also think they can change the men.

Is he violent physically? She needs to know youre always going to be there for her and will support her if she leaves.

[Simplyme]

He has never been physically violent just verbally. I try and reassure her that I will always be there and I am very verbal and not afraid of physical confrontation and I think that may be one of the reasons that she has me over so often is because when he starts doing this I call him on it and say my piece. Obviously though I would not do that the way I do if it was physical as I would not want her to suffer the repercussions but so far he has not tried to keep me from coming over and does tend to curb his tongue when I am around at least after the first time I have to say something. I am hoping that by her seeing me verbalizing that it is not ok even in front of him that it may help her to see that it is not right and that she should not be putting up with it.

[daftcow]

I think youre right to call him on it. Hes a coward. I think some work on her self-esteem is in order, perhaps an assertiveness course too. It will give her the tools to stand up to him.

[sam]

Hi,

I have seen this happen in my own family.So I know from experience that we women tend to pamper and mollycoddle our spouses in the initial days of courtship and marriage and bend over backwards to do everything for them.For someone who is used to controlling this is a huge boost as they come to expect it even later in life and get quite upset about it,if a woman somehow drops the act or does less of what she used to do earlier.

[illini1]

Actually, as a male, I was on the short end of the control aspect with my former relationship with my ex-wife. Believe me, it takes courage and the ability to know that if you are not going to be with that person that everything is going to be alright. Some people just can't break the cycle on their own.

[spider]

hi,
@sam
pampering and mollycoddling in the early days of courtship may be a form of control aswell, just more subtle.

@illini1
the female of the species is more deadly than the male, so ive heard. hehe.

[AmericanWoman]

This is abuse, plain and simple.  I'm sorry your friend is in such an unhealthy relationship.  Does she see his treatment as abuse or does she think it's normal and acceptable?

[Shell]

Having going through a marriage like this, I understand why victims of abuse (yes, it is abuse like AmericanWoman says) stay.  Most people who have never been abused find it hard to understand the many factors, especially psychological, that play against the victim that cause him/her to stay in the relationship or go back after they have left.

Attacking the husband (verbally or otherwise) in defense of the victim will only cause the victim to pay for it later behind closed doors.  Or if he's brave, in front of you.  If the abuser is also narcissistic, you're dealing with an even more dangerous and calculating person.

The best thing, and hardest thing, you can do is to be there for the victim.  Listen to her vent, be her shoulder.  Support her.  Do not push her to leave, but tell her that if she ever felt like she  needed to, that you would be there for her.  This is an extremely hard thing for most loved ones to do.  However, the more pressure you put on her to leave, the more she will withdraw from you.  Victims do not seek rescuers, they seek comfort.  They will leave when the time is right.

I left after 4 years of it and all it took was observing my best friend's marriage.  I saw a good, healthy marriage and slowly, things started to become clear.  Leaving was hard.  I went back about 3 times before I finally ended the marriage.