Discussing ideas and meaning of ideas: no way out!

[laio]

Hi all,

I have some problem with my wife and cannot understand how to move out of the situation (I mean solve the issues without breaking apart).
We discuss a lot, but most of the times she gets angry with me, not because of what I say (=> my ideas about the subject of the discussion) but because of what my ideas mean.
That is to say: any minor deviation of my feelings from her feelings (in dealing with situations, persons,...) are felt by her as a  "not symbiosis", "not sincronicity" between us.
Then she's sad  because she feels "alone", and I'm sad because I could not explain myself even if most of the times I am very close with what she thinks, I do not want to renounce to my own ideas (so not going the "yes, yes, you're right, yes..." way)  but I also do not want to "win" and convince her either.
It's  then impossible to discuss, she goes in the direction "you said that because you are so and so" while I just want to explain my position to her (as I would with another person). We move from language and meaning to metalanguage devoid of any possible meaning (discussing why we used a certain language).

I do not want to expose here all our relationship, even if this may have a cost in terms of clarity, or look for people which say "you're right"/"you're wrong".

Please write down any idea you may have on the situation, even if it may not apply to our particular situation in the relationship.
I need ideas on how can I break out of the deadlock in which we are.

Anybody helps?

Thanks,
Laio

[gone]

I've been exploring arguments lately and yes they descend into silly childishness most of the time, far removed from what the the argument began about.

Maybe when you become aware of this, tittle tattle language you can say 'Whoah let's just stop and discuss how we came to be arguing about this'... I'm refering to backtracking to discover the route of the problem. When we mis-place keys it can make us angry as we rampage about looking for them, or we can solve the problem by calling an expert in to make new ones. But if we stop, think and backtrack we can usually REMEMBER where we last had the keys and find them.
When arguing it will usually be about difference and DIFFERENCE CAUSES CONFLICT (difference in religion, in values, in practices etc.. learning to recognise difference in opinions causes conflicts is half way to solving the conflict.. we are not the same and it would be a boring place if were were.
Also by backtracking and finding the route of the argument it's possible to assess if you arived at your opinion/difference by rational or irrational means. For example if one arrives at their opinion by irrational means ie: intuition "I just know you fancy her" or by being told something "Coffee is bad for you" or holding the beliefs of their parents ie: party politics.. these are all arrived at 'irrationally' without research or experimentation or observation..
So stop, think how your beliefs differ from your wifes, think how both you and your wife arrived at your different opinions and perhaps discuss this as a point of interest instead of continuining with an argument which will be futile.

Remever too - You can't reason with an unreasonable person.