Early Childhood Experiences

[TEC09]

I feel as though I need to talk to a professional,however I am too embarrassed to walk into an ... office due to the fact that the few people I have confided in   have treated me very differently afterward,very harshly with no good reason to.I have daily flashbacks and haunting thoughts and memories that I cannot shake.I am scared and I don't know what to do.I feel as if the memories are haunting me and are affecting the quality of my life.I have children,2 of the 5 are under 5.I need to get my thoughts and feelings in order.If someone here,a professor or degree holding individual could help me via IM or direct message I would appreciate it greatly.This IS a cry for help.I do need it.If there is someone that can lend their time and expertise PLEASE contact me via direct message on this site or respond to the thread for IM or email information.God bless.
                                                                                                                       TC

[pert -5]

No one of any integrity is going to assume the ability to fix your problems this way.  I suggest that you post an inkling of your malady so that people here may get an idea.  Do so as you wish.

Just a suggestion.

God bless you.

[TEC09]

This is not easy to describe.Both of my parents were bad parents.My dad was simply negligent whereas my "mother" was severely abusive.
I get extreme reactions when I tell people of my early life so I have come to realize that it is definitely not commonplace,as I may have thought earlier in life.
To be as non graphic as possible while relaying the extent of the abuse..


My father
Background:My dad was/is a pimp...a real,live pimp.My mother was a woman he pimped,and later "had to stay with" because in his dealings with her she became pregnant.He no longer pimped her after she started having his children,in all they had 13.

Countenance/demeanor : A slick talker,joker,superficially charming,said and did amusing things but everyone knew that there was a nasty side to him as well.
There was "a time to play and a time to be serious" He joked with his friends...at home he was serious,usually rushing in and out.He basically slept,ate and showered at home.He was never there,leaving us in "her" care.

Discipline: My dad would yell.He let us know why he was mad,what he did not like and what should not happen again.If we behaved very badly we were spanked,over our clothing,with a belt.If we were in night clothes we were asked to put pants on before a spanking...he was heavy handed,strong,his spankings hurt.He did not seem to derive any enjoyment from it.Afterward we were almost always sent to bed or if it was early sent to our rooms.My father was rarely home,thus he would rarely discipline us.If he came in and was rushing...looking for something and it was moved,had been eaten....the front door was locked and he couldn't get right in without banging on the door or something that he asked us to do had not been done (a trash bag preventing his smooth entry into the front door after he had asked it be taken out)...etc. these things were grounds for spanking/yelling/punishment.The punishment was somewhat disproportionate to the offense,but we knew he had a temper and agitated easily.It wasn't largely disproportionate punishment however and certainly not as bad as her punishments were so we had few problems with him.

Relationship: He defended us on rare occasion and did and said things that could have been perceived as love,then again every time he defended us whatever he argued about was usually in his best interest as well... (Ex.) Yelling at my mother :"Why didnt you feed them kids dinner yet? It's 10 O'clock I expect some dinner bitch I'm hungry"...and then she would cook,or telling her to stop beating us...because our screams were drowning out the TV.There was no affection of any kind and we were never told that we were loved.He rarely had conversations with us unless about something household related or related to the whereabouts of our mother.



Mother
Background: I don't know much about her.She was an immigrant,her family was wealthy and father worked for the government in his home country.He was a VERY stern,stoic man of very few words.Strict to an extreme.Her mother was very accommodating,domestic,sweet and mildly afraid of her husband.I know my mother feared him.I know as a kid she was defiant and did not like rules.She got into a lot of trouble with the law as a kid and barely graduated high school.The philosophy her mom passed on to her was to be beautiful and sexually permissive to wards men with money the emphasis was not on education,rather on beauty and marrying well.This seems accurate as my mother was a leech and obsessed with physical beauty and youth.



Countenance/demeanor: She had a way of making everyone feel like she was better than they were even though often times she had less.She lived in a fantasy world in that regard,never willing to admit she was poor,never willing to accept her life.Drugs and pretending it didn't exist was her escape route.She blamed her problems on others and could never take responsibility for her actions.It was everyone elses fault.Her life being a mess was constantly blamed on us (ids) because we "came along and destroyed her perfect body and perfect life" "I had so much before you parasites came along,little tumors I had to get high while I was pregnant just to keep me from cutting you out of my body" She swore many times my dad forced her to stay pregnant and have us.She wanted abortions.She told us DAILY she hated us and wanted us dead.She threatened us with death on a regular basis.Outwardly people said she was beautiful,I am incapable of seeing that.She was loud,mouthy,opinionated,mean spirited,elitist,delusional and had a very violent bad temper.She would charm those that could benefit her and lash out at everyone else.She could get violent in an instant.She LOVED and was quick to threaten even a total stranger with death or bodily harm.No respect for the law,school system...anyone.She could artfully lie and maneuver out of any situation..she could feel a person out and mold herself to be what they wanted.A con artist.She created dramatic situations to get attention.She'd hurt us to get attention as well...and free things.

Discipline: stripped fully nude and whipped across the back,chest legs...entire body with a belt.She would beat us with the metal buckle exposed.She would do this until there was blood then ask us to turn around.I often couldn't walk afterward,in which case I was drug into my room by my hair and insulted the entire way.She would burn us with cigarettes,lighters,candles...she would make us put our hand on the stove burners and turn them on,she would hit our fingers with hammers,she had an icepick she liked to use as well.There was a time that a dealer of hers came buy offering drugs in exchange for sex with one of her kids...I fought,bit and scratched too much to be worth his trouble...she hit me in the head with an iron skillet and still I fought.She suggested he shoot me up with heroin to keep me still and he wouldn't do that,"I'm not going to jail for killing the little bitch",he gave up and left...this made her so angry that she continued to beat me and asked me what made my body so special...said it was the closest I'd get to a man that wanted to be with me.She lifted up my nightgown and grabbed my genitalia in her hand and said "oh you think this is YOURS?!!" "Bitch you belong to me,if you not gonna use this to help me you not gonna use it at all" she inserted a heated curling iron into my vagina and severely burned me.She then proceeded to beat me until I stopped moving.That was not even the worst example of her "discipline".

is this enough information?

[S. Earl Martin]

Sounds like you had a rough upbringing. I personally can sympathize I was physically and mentally abused as a child, but not to the extent you were. The important thing is that you try and not repeat the same pattern of behavior with your own children. Do you feel your bad experiences are effecting you parenting skills? If so try and use what you went thru as a guide as to what not to do. Set goals and work toward them. Children must be nutured and guided, but must also be given the freedom to explore for them selves. Another suggestion would be to find a book on parenting that you are comfortable with. If you are not sure what to do because you lack a proper role model. The book can be a guide to help with that. The people who abused us will still have power over us if we hang on to the memories and the pain. I know it is hard, but try and concentrate on your present life. Good Luck and be blessed.

[acousticeagle]

A person's psyche can be wounded just like the physical body can. With your early upbringing, it's like your psyche has had too many lashings, and those wounds have not yet healed.

There's one thing I could tell you and that is that you are not alone. People, as a general rule, look pretty 'normal' on the outside, but on the inside they are a walking sum-total of their life experience and many people get around bearing scars from past experiences, including tragic childhoods.

When these memory episodes happen that cause emotion pain come, it's similar to when the body experiences pain: it's the body's way of telling you that something needs to be healed.

And so, I would think that the next leg of your journey involves healing. What is your life like now - and your relationships? Are they life-promoting and positive ones? Do you have people in your life that you find you feel uncomfortable with, even to the point of fearful of? Are their some relationships that you know from inside yourself that you would be better off without?

The people that surround us are important to our continued well-being and healing. Looking to get your wounded spirit healed may take some effort on your part, some thinking outside the usual box you are more used to. Maybe you could try something new, like a support group that has had similar childhood abuse backgrounds. I know this might  sound like pithy advice, but shared experience can be a beginning to lightening of your burden. Any good and positive step in the direction of pro-active healing is a good beginning.

[gone]

There is no 'embarrasement' in asking for help. If this is a barrier that's stopping you seeking the help you feel you need, it's really needent be. There is humanity in many people. I would agree with acoustic above, most people have problems and are unhappy, the image of the 'American dream' is an illusion, that makes people feel 'odd' if they are not living the 'sedate' lifestyle. However your mother was really evil, inhumain towards you and of course you suffered child abuse by her. And you continue to suffer as a result. I agree with acoustic above in that you need to heal, and taking these steps to talk about it, is the first steps to that healing process. You may be surprised and find that talking/writing about it just here will help you, being heard is something we all need at times.