Fear of intimacy - how to deal

[Melinda01]

It's the first time of my life that I realise that the person I am in love with has a fear of intimacy. Until now I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and he refuses to let go and open up to me an let me come closer to him. I thought that he disliked me a lot. And for that reason I was always getting angry at him and trying to get away from him. But he was always coming back to me. One year has gone and it's now, after many stuff that I've read, old blogs of him that he had many awful rejections in the past that he was accusing himself of being an "idiot" and that noone accepts him for what he is, that he hates being the person that he is. Unfortunately it's me now that is dealing with the consquenses of this, and I'm drawn into this, he has taken me all of my energy. On one hand I want to leave him alone and go on and find someone else to love, someone that will receive my love and give his love back to me. But on the other hand, I care so much about him that only the thought of me taking this chance from him, this chance of making his life better for once, gives me so much pain.

Unfortunately, he hasn't let me come close to him, and so I certainly can NOT tell him to seek professsional help. Unfortunately, what I seek from this thread here is not replies such "leave him to his misery, you deserv better". Cause I know I deserve better, and eventually when and if I feel ready I will leave him. But for now, I would like some advice on how to deal with him. I have no idea how I should be towards him so that he can maybe see that there is a chance that I might be a trustable person for him.

Has anyone had to deal with such a person that fears intimacy? That has been hurt in the past and thinks that it's all their fault and that they don't dare anymore open up to anyone else? If so, how have you dealt with that person if that person hasn't seeked proffessional help?

[SWM]

you want him to know that you are a trustable person.
that means you think he does not trust you now, why does he not trust you now?

[Melinda01]

Because we don't know each other very well and he's afraid that he might be hurt again. He has tried to hold me on distance and therefor he refuses to get to know me and see that I actually LIKE him for REAL and that I don't want to play with him like the other girls have done to him. But he refuses to believe that and to let me come closer.

[SWM]

ok. so he needs more time to get to know you.

what is currently happening is that he is reinforcing his belief that you will reject him. because of this beleive he will act in ways which are not conducive to a trusting relationship and you will start to get pissed off with him. which you are starting to do. you are finding the bits of him that you cannot accept and starting to reject them.

what do you think you might be able to do that could help him trust you?

[TS]

I think there are advantages and drawbacks to both decisions that you can take.
1) If you stay with him you will experience pleasure at first but will have to deal with his relationship phobia afterwards.
2) If you leave him than you will think for a long time that you missed a possibility in your life, which would make you feel sad.

I would recommend giving him a chance. Taking into account that he has already admitted that he was behaving wrong with you, he might be able to be more open this time. Try to talk to him and explain that he can trust you. Try also to explain to him that you are different from his ex girlfriends that were playing with him. If he agrees, you can also go to a psychologist together. And even if it doesn't work out the second time, you can always leave him. It's much worse to think that you missed him when you could build a relationship again.

[ruben]

I think you accuratley assessed him. But it may be even deeper, perhaps he has a fear of something that comes from intamacy, like rejection, humiliation, social exclusion. If you try small steps this person may feel more comfortable, if not i suggest listening to others on here and/or talking to a professional about it

[subguy2]

this is interesting, i beleive a fear of intimacy is actually a fear of emotional vunerability.
i discovered in my personal relationships people who were "easily" open emotionally were often the ones who "loved the shallowest"
i also learned that those who had a "fear" of intimacy needed control..i mean control over the pace the time and the progression of events that allowed them to open up.
this allowed them the ability to go further, or back off at their own pace , for fear of being hurt, judged etcetc..

if you are able,
allow THEM the control over the pace at which your relationship developes. you may find its well worth the wait.

[gone]

I do believe I have this fear of intimacy. It's very complex.

What subguy says above "this is interesting, i beleive a fear of intimacy is actually a fear of emotional vunerability.
i discovered in my personal relationships people who were "easily" open emotionally were often the ones who "loved the shallowest"

I totally agree with.
I haven't been treated badly or messed about by partners, I've always ended the relationship and now I fear intimacy because I fear commitment.  If your guy fears intimacy because of rejection it's the other edge of the sward but the same problem.

I have chosen guys who it can't possibly work with ie: 200 miles away (hehe) or the last guy I saw 'casually although over a year was 18years younger than me (again couldn't work) but we had a lot of fun and laughed a lot. There were on rare occasions moments of great intimacy which were 'non verbal'.. ie: waking up wrapped around each other or the occasional look or kiss on top of the head etc.. Intimacy doesn't have to be spoken. There is greater intimacy in the unspoken.

What I also noticed is that when I did meed someone I considered more compatible (very physicailly attracted to & very similar) althouth I accepted his advances I showed little interest in him and as a risk taker I also risked losing the relationship in order to gain a more intimate one. It was some sort of test of mine I think on refection. I am capable of great intimacy but I don't think many others are and test their 'intimacy' compatibility (they will either fight or fly) the flyers are 'shallow' and not worthy of my affections. If that makes sense.

So if your guy is anything like me he maybe a private person, who will always hold back some of himself, (you said he writes blogs - I do this to share the bits of me I don't readily show to those around me for a number of reasons).

Maybe he's a little private and could be testing you to see if you are indeed worthy of his great intimacy. (most people are shallow).
If you do stay around you could be rewarded with intimacy like you've never experienced, or you could be wasting your time. You have to weigh up what sits best with you.

[psy_guy]

Well, I'm 19 and I'm somewhat like psycho-mother.

I do not like sharing things about myself with people that I might meet in real life, or know in real life, but in the internet - well, I share a little more about myself, as you might noticed in the forums.

I'm a 'private' kind of person, I always will keep something to myself, I won't tell everything about myself, never to a person I know in real life, even my friend, to who I tell a lot more than to others about myself. So yea, I've one friend, to who I talk about myself (my way of thinking about my actions or what did I do on some day, if not usual).

I do not tell most of the other people about what I did on days, if it's not the usual things I did, or are little bit more private. I am not telling about my feelings towards people sometimes, but not always. I am not telling about my own actions' psychological way of thinking and many other things.

I do so, because I do not like people knowing about me much, because they can use it against me (fear of betrayal). Also because they would know on how to act on circumstances, I would like them to be rational about. And of course because people have long tongues.

To get me know, the guy should really prove me, that he is not some punk and can be trusted. That takes time and research from my side (not crazy stuff, just seeing how he acts, etc..). It probably is the hardening circumstance for me about a girlfriends too. I've never had a girlfriend, and I'm 19... I know only one more mysterious person at my class, who didn't. Others - I know none. This is not the main reason though, another reason is that I am silent and kinda other thinking that most of the people are around me (higher IQ means a lot, i guess) and I'm not the sleeping male beuty.

So yea, people have their own comfort zone, which shall not be entered by any other people anymore, than they are let in it. You simply cannot deal with those comfort zones. Just try to let him know, that he can trust you, tell him a few secrets of yours, he should let you near in time, give him time... That's my opinion, hope it was clear, what I meant to say, it's soon ~5AM, so yea, might be hard understand, what I meant...