Girlfriend's self-image issues

[waylander]

I suppose this is the correct place for this because this is something that my girlfriend is going through, not me.

So here's the story, I've been dating her for about 6 or 7 months, and as time passes I've come to find out that she has some extremely severe emotional problems. The root of most (if not all) of those problems is her hatred for her own body (and I don't mean the occasional "do I look fat in this dress?", I mean HATRED). She has mentioned that just thinking about having to live the rest of her life in her body makes her want to cry. It's always in the back of her mind too, it's getting to the point where everything she sees, hears, or thinks reminds her of her body and puts her in a state of very deep depression.

I just don't know what to say to her anymore, I've tried everything. I've tried "there is NOTHING wrong with your body", "you are extremely attractive", "you have a more attractive body than mine", "I dislike my body too" (all true by the way); I've tried pretty much any reassuring thing you could think of. I have also asked other people in my life for advice on this matter and the most common response is "you guys haven't been dating that long, just dump her". But I don't want to do that, I really care about this girl and dumping her because of these issues is NOT an option. I want to stick by her side and help her get past this.

So any suggestions on how I should handle this matter? Any suggestions at all would be appreciated! (aside from "dump her", of course).

[liza123]

Was she affected in any way previously? Was she abused mentally? Or did someone 'put' the idea into her head that her body is 'ugly' when she was young?

[waylander]

As far as I know, none of her previous boyfriends said or implied anything negative about her body. But her relationship before ours was pretty mentally abusive.

The way she describes it, it sounds like she has had Body Dysmorphic Disorder her whole life. The simple thought of me seeing her naked makes her want to burst into tears.

[SWM]

how do you show her that you love her?

also

ask her if she knows that you love her, if she says yes, ask her how she knows that you lover her.

if she says no, ask her what you would have to do for her to know that you lover her.

do you understand the benefit doing of this?

[waylander]

She knows that I love her but she doesn't quite understand why because she considers herself worthless.

I try to show this to her by being understanding, doing nice things for her, complimenting her, etc. etc. But its getting to the point where she gets so far into this depression that nothing i say or do will even get a smile out of her. Every compliment I give her is usually ineffective or it will make her feel better for a matter of seconds. I've even reassured her (repeatedly) that sex is not a big deal and that I'm willing to wait until she's ready.

So I don't know, I'm completely out of ideas at this point. She's been depressed before but it's never been this bad.

[liza123]

As far as I know, none of her previous boyfriends said or implied anything negative about her body. But her relationship before ours was pretty mentally abusive.

The way she describes it, it sounds like she has had Body Dysmorphic Disorder her whole life. The simple thought of me seeing her naked makes her want to burst into tears.

Let me get this clear. She did have a mentally abusive relationship before yours, right? Did you talk to her about it?

I do not know what BDD is. But, has she seen a doctor who diagnosed her with it?

I am not sure but, one of the reasons for her more depressed state could be you. The more you show your feelings, the more depressed she might be because she cannot give back in return. What about taking it a bit slower and talking to her about the abuse? If she has BDD as you say, doesn 't it mean that she should take treatment?

[waylander]

As far as I know, none of her previous boyfriends said or implied anything negative about her body. But her relationship before ours was pretty mentally abusive.

The way she describes it, it sounds like she has had Body Dysmorphic Disorder her whole life. The simple thought of me seeing her naked makes her want to burst into tears.

Let me get this clear. She did have a mentally abusive relationship before yours, right? Did you talk to her about it?

I do not know what BDD is. But, has she seen a doctor who diagnosed her with it?

I am not sure but, one of the reasons for her more depressed state could be you. The more you show your feelings, the more depressed she might be because she cannot give back in return. What about taking it a bit slower and talking to her about the abuse? If she has BDD as you say, doesn 't it mean that she should take treatment?

BDD is a mental disorder that causes the person to worry about their own appearance to such a degree that their ability to function in society is badly affected. It hasn't exactly been diagnosed by a doctor but all the symptoms are dead on, so I'm assuming that's the case here. The only real form of treatment is therapy, which we have discussed and she is planning to attend some sessions soon.

As far as the previous relationship goes, she has talked to me about it and apparently the guy made her feel so worthless that she still has a very low self-esteem as a result. I try to console her about it, but like i said, everything goes right over her head. It's almost like she wants to feel this way.

You might be right about the not returning feelings bit though. It's like love is an emotion that she doesn't fully understand at this point in life...that's why I'm forcing myself to not become too attached yet.

[SWM]

i really think you would find benefit in talking with her about how she knows that you love her, and more importantly what she says you would do that would let her know that you love her.

[Enigma]

I try to console her about it, but like i said, everything goes right over her head. It's almost like she wants to feel this way.

I know someone like this.  I suspect it may have something to do with the attention they receive. 

[liza123]

BDD is a mental disorder that causes the person to worry about their own appearance to such a degree that their ability to function in society is badly affected. It hasn't exactly been diagnosed by a doctor but all the symptoms are dead on, so I'm assuming that's the case here. The only real form of treatment is therapy, which we have discussed and she is planning to attend some sessions soon.

As far as the previous relationship goes, she has talked to me about it and apparently the guy made her feel so worthless that she still has a very low self-esteem as a result. I try to console her about it, but like i said, everything goes right over her head. It's almost like she wants to feel this way.

You might be right about the not returning feelings bit though. It's like love is an emotion that she doesn't fully understand at this point in life...that's why I'm forcing myself to not become too attached yet.
-Quote from waylander

Thanks for your explanation about BDD.  Well, the therapy sessions may help her much in a lot of ways.  At this stage, as you said, whatever you say might just go over her head. Time and therapy might help and heal her a lot. She also needs your moral and emotional support(rather than  much romantic agendas). All the best.