Hello! Some thoughts on my relationship with my mother...

[ciram]

Hello there! I'm new here. I am not a trained psychologist or psychoanalyst but I have somewhat of an interest in all things psychology. I've been pondering my deteriorating relationship with my mother for quite a while now and I thought I'd bring it up to see what you fellows have to say - also I thought it quite a fitting way of introducing myself on such a forum.   My parents are divorced - my mother lives with her boyfriend on the countryside. I have an apartment in a large-ish city about an hour's drive away. I don't enjoy visiting her, but I feel like I must and I do. My mom is quite adept at assimilating to her environment. So adept in fact, that I'm afraid that what I see of her, is not really her. We've grown apart, and our interactions have become shallow and superficial; I can't connect. Her boyfriend is not brutish or unkind, but unchanging. My mother has adjusted, but deep down, I think, feels stuck and unfulfilled nonetheless. I think this weighs down heavily on her self-confidence; she has become increasingly protective of her lifestyle. She believes in Astrology and other nonsensical things. All in all, we're just fundamentally different people. I've had excellent schooling, whereas she has had only basic education. She thinks I'm highbrow and I think she's closed-minded. She has started accusing me of looking down at them. I like sharing knowledge and talking about subjects that interest me, but it is mostly perceived as showboating. We have nothing to say to one-another. I feel like there should be some deeper, loving connection that holds us together despite our differences, but it's not there. I realise I probably can't change her, so the only other option is to change myself. Whilst we interact just fine on an ordinary everyday level I feel there should be more to a mother-son relationship. Other than this, I lead a relatively happy life.

Have a crack at it, will you?
Cheers, ciram.

[liza123]

Hello. I read your post. Well, you do have an option of changing yourself as you put it. But, then, why would you do that for? You are a different individual and people should accept you for what you are.

As Kahlil Gibran said, 'Your children are not yours. They come through you but they are not part of you'. That is the relationship between a mother and a child.

[SWM]

you have expectations of how your mother and your relationship with her should be, you are disappointed with the relationship because it does not live up to your expectations.

i would geuss that your mother has expectations of you and your relationship with her. i wonder if she might be disappointed too.

when too people who are disappointed with each other spend time in a relationship that they are both disappointed the reuslts may be something like you are describing.

if you could be really honest with your mother and say what you really wanted to say to her without fear of hurting her what would you say?

[ciram]

Thanks for all your replies.

i wonder if she might be disappointed too.

Absolutely, It's bilateral.

if you could be really honest with your mother and say what you really wanted to say to her without fear of hurting her what would you say?

I would tell her What I said above. I'd tell her to turn the TV off and take some actual time for herself.

[SWM]

i came across this poem and it made me think of the dynamics between yourself and your mother, i thought i might share it with you. 

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
(Fritz Perls, 1969)

it seems to me to be the opposite of where you and your mother are. you both have wants needs and expectations of how the other should be. and because of these wants needs and expectations opf the other neither of you recognise the beauty of your relationship. 

[ciram]

It is difficult to relativise the relationship one has with one's own mother. I guess its part of growing up to realise she can not fulfil the role of a supra-human caretaker forever. Thanks again.

[Coffey77]

Hi Ciram,

This is my first post here so I hope I don't mess things up too much.  I am sure there are many theories as to what your Mother might be going through, but without knowing her we don't know things about her past which most likely have affected her future.  We only know what we know, so she was only able to teach you what she knew, hopefully to the best of her abilities.  But now, life is your responsibility.

It is wonderful that you are trying to keep a connection with her.  She is your mother and you feel for her.  As you unravel yourself with Psychology, are you finding things that would probably "fit" her too?  I know I have with my Mother.  We learned long ago to keep a distant relationship.  Don't get me wrong.  She raised me to the best of her ability, gave me all she knew, but she only knew how to have "distant" relationships.  I learned that from her, and it kept me distant from people for almost 32 years.  After a very emotionally difficult divorce, I have started to learn what it means to have a relationship.  Sure, I could have gone through life as I was and been content.  I was well on my way.  Life was good, life was content.  But, after being smacked in the face, a wake-up call if you will, I have changed.  Another poster mentioned about not changing, people should like you for who you are... but what if you have poor relational habits?  Most of the time we have destructive habits built into us but never know it.  Again, we only know what we know and we usually think that way is the only way - because it works for us.  What if there is better?  Why does my friend Todd offset bolts on his porch railings?  It looks better to me with them in a straight line, and I've been doing it that way for years...  He does it because the railings won't twist from side to side, like they do when I do it my way...  He's learned a different, better way.

What I'm getting at here is my experience with what I think is a similar situation to yours.  My Mother and I aren't close.  She loves me, and I love her, but we are not close in a way that I feel we should be.  I didn't know how to do that because she, nor my father, never taught me how and I never knew to go out to learn how.  Now I know how to look.  I am learning how to close that gap.  I am changing because it is for the better.  Change can be good, change can be wonderful.  I am very pro-change.  But, a person has to want to change, no one can make them change.  That is the learned rule and one I've learned quite well with much frustration.  There is a trick though.

Change yourself.  You've said you're growing and learning.  That is great!  Sure you mother is having a reaction to your change... I almost wonder if it is jealousy in a sense.  I wonder if she sees where you are going and wants to follow, but feel stuck.  I suggest to keep doing what you are doing.  Keep sharing things with your mother, but feel out her comfort zone.  Talk with her as much as you can through the process.  There will most likely be difficult times because we carry many deeply entrenched habits that are hard to break.  "Old habits die hard", even if they are ones we are aware of.  As you grow, you will learn better ways to communicate with your mother.  Each failure is an experience, each experience is a lesson and is learned.  You will learn your mother and how to talk to her, but there will be failures at the time.  I tried speaking direct to my Mother when I first started all of this, and she threw up the defenses.  She used guilt, deflecting, and a whole other mess of things that mothers seem to excel at.  But I've learned.  I tell stories to her about "friends" of mine who have certain difficulties.  Basically, I talk about an issue between her and myself and just change the names.  She listens intently.  As I talk of the new things I learn, she gets more intrigued.

Someone told me once, when you start to grow and take off, people who love you and want to be a part of your life will follow.  Sure, they may protest because moving would cause them to leave a comfort zone, but eventually they will come.  It may even mean to leave them behind for the time being.  Take that time to do all you can to learn so you are there for her when she is ready.  Because you can't make her go, she has to want to go.  Just keep showing her you care and want to be a part of her life, but don't stop living yours.

My advice, keep going forward, don't fall back.  You will do her good one day by helping pull her forward, helping pull her out of her rut.  Old dogs can learn new tricks.  This old dog has had first hand experience.

[acousticeagle]

I admit to experiencing something similar. My elderly mother only had a very basic high school education and I've had trouble accepting over the years that we're far from being on the same intellectual and emotionally mature wavelength. It's sad and unfortunate when we need, within ourselves, a more fulfilling mutual attachment with our parents but that doesn't happen.

Much peace comes with acceptance. To accept the fact that she will never be able to meet you intellectually. To accept that she's into her own interests that you perceive are emotionally-driven, whereas you have a more objective views.

I would suggest not forcing yourself to go see her. Phone her occaisonally and make some small talk that makes her feel a bit more comfortable with you - even if you have to grit your teeth. Be comfortable in your own skin and don't try to take on a skin that you might think others want you to wear. Go and be with your peers of the same intellectual and emotional maturity. You  can afford then to be a bit patronising with her, to give a little her way, as long as you're looking after your own emotional needs elsewhere.

The other thing you might do is when you go away on holidays, send a postcard. Keep the contact light and caring that way. That way you let her know you're thinking about her in these small ways and she might find some comfort and appeasement in that. Sometimes we have to condescend and accept others as they are. We cannot change them, but we can change ourselves.