Unfortunately I seem to be experiencing a very unhealthy co-dependency with someone dear to me.
I'm thinking of one particular woman whom I've known for years. She had a terrible upbringing which we discovered later on in life. I could recall that at a very early age she began to explore her sexuality with boys. Me being one of them.
Over the years she ended up becoming extremely promiscuous having slept with countless men. As far as I can remember she did NOT use protection because she insisted on "feeling a guy cum inside of her".
Thinking back as a child I witnessed the lack of feeling this girl had. It looked as if her soul was ripped and the overlying emotion left, was one of emptiness inside of her. The violation she suffered, could be understood by a child.
Personally, I don't consider it was "normal" for a five year old little girl to french kiss multiple boys in a room. And from my own experience, when she kissed me, I felt like she was going through the motions. We found out later she was sexually abused. And to this day, she has not sought help. She is aware there's a problem with her behavior, but has yet to get professional help. Who knows...maybe one day.
So now I find myself experiencing an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously which has led to my posting this topic in the forum.
I'm guessing that I am going through this personal experience because I recently lost my Dad. Amazing how the death of a loved one could deeply affect someone.
He trained me from an early age to keep my distance and remain indifferent towards her. Even though she continuously pursued me, I always rejected her. I was told she was NO GOOD, a slut, someone who would never stay with me, a girl who went with everyone, that she would cheat on me. So as the years passed she moved on and made a life of her own in the States. For the longest time I couldn't care less about her. Of course with that mental block which was placed there in my youth it was fairly easy to keep her at a distance.
Until my Dad died a few months ago, I never really cared for her. But something happened. Now I find myself constantly thinking about her. Not so much the thought of having a relationship or casual sex with her, but I keep going back to our history together. It's like this Pandora's Box opened up and I can't close it.
Now this flooding of emotions has been pouring out of me the last month or so, and the mental and emotional process I've been going through has been exhaustive.
I keep going back to that poor little girl who was sexually violated. It's heartbreaking, even remembering that at the time, I was a kid myself, I could remember on so many occasions as I peered into her eyes, I experienced a profound emptiness. It caused me to see her as an object. Someone to "practice" sexual exploration with. A kind of spare tire. But it never happened. That would have been a fucking disaster, because had I gotten together with her, we probably would have ended up having children together and end up miserable, throwing our youth away.
So I stayed away even though she kept pursuing me up until our mid-twenties.
I've accepted the fact that because I've known her for so long, she's going to be in my life forever. Somehow I really believe that out of ALL the guys she's gotten acquainted to or been with, I just happen to be the ONLY one who's known her intimately for this long. I think if anybody is going to guide her to a better life it would be me. I have the resources and finances to help her straighten out.
A friend of mine who's a psychologist, assured me that the counselling process would be up to two years maybe three and this woman could finally move on and overcome those demons which have been destroying her life. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't try at least to help her out. I mean it's not like I just met her. We go way back.
I feel like I am experiencing a type of cognitive dissonance. On the one hand hand I want to be there for her, and on the other I feel I should stay away.
Life....what do you do?
