I Feel Undeserving

[Ohgodspiders]

I've got a serious problem: I have it nailed inside my head that I won't ever find anyone to have a relationship with. I'm currently going through my last year of high school with the idea that there's no one out there that could ever be compatible with me. It's not because I'm ugly, I look okay. It's a whole bunch of self esteem issues and some issues with my personality.

For starters, I really don't like my body. I'm afraid that I'll only be going for disappointment if I try to seek out a relationship. I'm 6'2, 180-ish pounds and I've got enough flab to make it seem unattractive. I'm not morbidly obese or anything (I actually look pretty fit with the right clothing) but it's enough to make me feel like I should hate myself for it. I work out to try to get rid of it but I get stressed out by a whole bunch of other shit that just adds up and it overwhelms me.

I've also got some serious trust problems in people my age: I hate my peers. It feels like 99% of them are complete idiots (I know, that whole "I'm the only smart person alive" complex thing), but I feel as though when I was born I started out at age seven (if that makes any sense at all). I live in minnesota and a good majority of the women here are pretty daft (at least in the teen-young adult area). I don't have a huge standard for looks or anything, I can get by with just your average person. But my lack of trust in anyone my age makes it insanely impossible to find someone that's right for me.

Last but not least, my personality is VAAAAASTLY different from everyone else. I'm beyond an internet person: I know the deepest darkest reaches of the internet and all the horrors that lie there, along with all the lulz that lie there as well. This caused me to develop a different point of view on life than others. Things I'd find funny would be either insane or just boring to others. I'm afraid that this huge difference is a giant road block to connecting with anyone.

I don't really know what to do here. Every time one of my friends ends up in a relationship, I always feel a blow to my pride. I'm hoping that having one myself (not just for the purpose of having one and boasting about it) will help my self esteem go up. Anyone have any suggestions?

[Enigma]

find a hookup thread on /b/


but srsly, meet people.  Join a club, and find people with similar interests.  Hell, you can even try plentyoffish.com.  Can't hurt.

[voodoo scientist]

First, solve this. You need the spare mental energy to work on the next problem: getting over yourself. This has become a cliché and you will probably dismiss it immediately, but it's not as entirely useless a phrase as you might believe. Getting over yourself means you stop assuming you are automatically right, that your personality is the best personality, and that you get a realistic outlook on life and that you start becoming a goal-oriented thinker. Sometimes you are right, and sometimes your personality is the best adapted, sometimes you've got preparation work to do before you can go from A to B - that's realistic. That shit up there - are you serious?

For instance: Is it realistic that 99% of your peers are idiots compared to you? No, that's idiotic. Is it realistic that a significant number (say, 50%) of your peers are idiots compared to you? Yes, quite probably. That distinction gives you a much broader range of acceptable people to interact with, which increases your chances of selecting a compatible mate. It will also put you in more social situations, which will raise your self esteem. Boosh.

On the other hand, do your feelings about your body match reality? You're fairly tall and your weight isn't exactly competitive eating level - in fact, your weight is pretty much perfect for your height. Is it then realistic to hate your body? No. Yet you still feel bad about your body, so there's gotta be a (realistic) reason for that. What's the most realistic reason you'd hate your statistically normal body? Here's why: Like most of the rest of society, you have unrealistically high expectations that are not based on the statistically average human being, but on some fantasy idea in the clouds you pulled 50/50 out of your ass and MTV.

Without sugarcoating it, you're not special and you're not different. I'm not going to try and debunk your rationalizations for why you are, actually, special and different, because it would be an exercise in futility. I'm just going to say this: You can keep assuming you are special and different, but it's only going to prevent you from getting what you want in life and impede your own happiness. Read and fully comprehend a good psychology book and you'll understand 60% of how you work (assuming you're capable of correctly and honestly drawing parallels between abstract concepts and your own behavioral patterns), then the next 30% will come before age 25, and the last 10% you just won't really care about.

[Karaten]

Deserving is a pointless concept. In nature, you deserve what you take. If you can get it, you deserve it.

Any ideology of deserving is subjective and should be disregarded. It seems from your post that either you're capable but don't find anyone else you think is deserving and then try to play a victim or you delude yourself into thinking you're better than you are. Your best bet would probably be to just figure it out for yourself.

By the way, I'm 5'11 and 200 pounds, you're fine.

[voodoo scientist]

By the way, I'm 5'11 and 200 pounds, you're fine.

FATTY

[Karaten]

By the way, I'm 5'11 and 200 pounds, you're fine.

FATTY

I'm a vegetarian now, because Milk hurt my feelings.

[hortonpilot]

Kara',

 interesting post.
"Deserving is a pointless concept. In nature, you deserve what you take. If you can get it, you deserve it."

Have pondered the idea of this kind of tiered expectations  that are conditioned into society.
Which is what it is .
You superbly point out the reality!
We limit ourselves.

" The Dice Man",  novel is about freedom to choose and desire.
Worth reading if you are stuck for ideas.

Fat or otherwise you are deserving of happiness.


Horton.

[hortonpilot]

Ohgodspiders,

 you should really consider these ideas, above replies, please?

horton

[Ohgodspiders]

Sorry for the very long interval between posts. A lot of what's said in here is true. I guess I'm in the right ball park for weight and height, I just don't feel it.

And yeah I do need to get over my main problem first. I get that I need to stop thinking I'm right and everyone else is wrong and stupid.

I feel sort of stupid myself for saying that in the first place 

I guess you can only knock things out one at a time.

[hortonpilot]

Realisation of people's stupidity is a fright and frustrating.

It serves no purpose to torment yourself when you can change so little.
Best to keep silent and just use their stupidity to your advantage , since you might have the upper hand?
Try it for a week.

Horton

[voodoo scientist]

Sorry for the very long interval between posts. A lot of what's said in here is true. I guess I'm in the right ball park for weight and height, I just don't feel it.

And yeah I do need to get over my main problem first. I get that I need to stop thinking I'm right and everyone else is wrong and stupid.

I feel sort of stupid myself for saying that in the first place  

I guess you can only knock things out one at a time.

The main reason we don't want to admit faults with ourselves is because the brain is wired to give a negative neurochemical response. What's worse, this instinctive negative response teaches you to avoid engaging in that behavior to begin with - it's not so much fear of self admittance (which would be irrational) as fear of the neurochemical response to self admittance (which is not entirely irrational). You're obviously a relatively intelligent guy, and frankly there's no reason you should allow your brain to play games with you.

I think the brain basically doesn't have a proper mechanism for expressing a change to its framework, and instead cognitive dissonance sets in between your memory of past actions and the need to justify those and your realization that those actions do not contribute to your happiness, which manifests as feeling stupid (Which, while technically rational, does not encourage rapid personal development). This is why all self insight feels like this: "Why the hell didn't I ever think that out loud before? That's so obvious, I must be an idiot." - or the rationalized version, "Yeah, I totally knew that, I just didn't think it out loud before."

[hortonpilot]

Short reply to large idea.

Whole idea of deserving is nonsense, what you take is yours?

"Deserving" is just invented by those on the top to impose control over others.

In the most ugly situation we have the idea that those on the imagined/real social scale don't deserve to be treated in the same way as those further up.

Not sure what you do this stuff is so entrenched that to stand for your rights is seen as "insolence".
If people were to behave reasonably there would be no problem and harmony would exist.
Reflects on the perpetrators mind-set which is out of step with what is actually law in the work place.

Disgusting ideas of inequality that is justifiable exist in society.

If you can't do anything you still have the option of disgust and non co-operation?

I had an incident at work yesterday where i blamed for something, even though it was not my doing or any of my business. All it did was cause me to lose respect for that person and view them rather differently. They think they showed strength but in reality it was weakness and stupidity.

Keep on truckin!!!


Horton.

[docjp]

I've got a serious problem any suggestions?

Self doubt comes from ones own MIND, and most likely it is meant as pain for you as part of your Karma, and something for you to overcome

At ones Core is a Soul, and your Soul is Perfect, but it is learning, as all Souls are learning, all about this Creation as a means of discovering who and what oneself is? The Soul consists of Neutral Spiritual Energy, NSgy, and as such it has no way other than to explore Life to discover who and what it is.

Do not let your MIND beat up up with its thoughts.  Get something you like to do and practice it until you become quite good at it, and this will help you combat the negativity of your MIND.
Explore:  http://about-psychology.com

[jbarefield74]

Hey.. all you need is confidence.... just be confident.. he really loves you if he stays.